Chapter 4
AVAH
It feels like I’ve hit a new low.
The landlord didn’t even blink when I told him I’d be leaving in two weeks. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise…but still it kind of stung.
It’s just more evidence of how I’ve isolated myself over the past year.
For the first two months I stayed with EJ.
But his constant hovering was too much and as soon as I could, I took Vivienne up on the offer of company housing.
I moved into my own apartment under the guise of not wanting to rely on him too much… although hindsight gives you clarity.
I used that as an excuse to distance myself from my brother too.
And I used my brother and his hockey career to distance myself from the people at my job, and apparently in my building. Their invitations to drinks, dinner, and even pilates was always met with excuses of me having to attend a hockey game or NHL event.
Meeting Hannah a few months ago was my saving grace. She’s the only real friend I have in New York, the only person I’ve felt really comfortable talking to in a very long time.
The apartment I’ve been living in for the past ten months suddenly feels empty or hollow somehow.
The fact that I have very bad parking and a slightly annoying older neighbor is now somehow something I’ll miss in two weeks when I have to move out.
I’ll need to start packing as soon as possible…
I just don’t know where I’ll go just yet.
The loud vibration of my phone ringing on the counter draws my attention.
“Get your stuff, I’m waiting for you downstairs,” EJ’s voice comes over the phone.
“What?” I ask, walking toward the window and looking down. Sure as day, there’s EJ leaning against his very old car, phone to his ear and looking up at the window.
“We didn’t have plans, right?”
“No,” he says. “But Lucas just called and invited us for a grill tonight.”
I groan. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with Hannah and her new husband.
It’s that I will now have to fast track my sulking because there’s no way I’m not going to tell her what happened.
She’s been exactly what I needed here in New York, and sometimes I’m even upset that Lucas didn’t marry her earlier.
Perhaps if she’d been here from the very start, my year would have looked a lot different.
“Come on, you love spending time with Hannah,” he adds, although I’ve already made up my mind. “And this way we get dinner and we don’t have to argue about where to eat.”
“Fine,” I say, heading to my room to freshen up. “Meet you in a few.”
After getting ready, I thank God that my brother chose today to wait for me outside. Otherwise he’d have seen the moving boxes, forcing me to tell him the truth. I make my way downstairs but not without giving his car another look of disapproval.
“I still don’t get why you’re driving something as ancient as this. It’s not even a color anymore,” I say, getting into the passenger seat and waiting for him to get in.
“What do you mean?” he asks, before putting the car in gear and pulling into traffic. “What color do you want it to be?”
I shrug. “Any color. It’s just…off right now. What is it? Washout blue, or very sad gray? It’s ridiculous.”
EJ chuckles, shaking his head. “It’s glacier blue. And there’s nothing ridiculous about this, lillasyster. This is the epitome of class.”
I huff, looking at the outdated center console that’s missing the screen and bluetooth music player.
“Class without music?” I ask, smacking the dash, pretending to look for a button to a radio of sorts. The buttons are big, the vents small and the car is so low, it feels like I’m sitting on the road.
I shouldn’t have said anything about music, because EJ fumbles on the dash and I groan again as I watch him slip the tape cassette into the old radio. Def Leppard starts to play over the speakers.
“You really are an idiot, you know that?”
“I love you too,” he says and I can’t help but smile. EJ might have very different tastes than I do, but I love my big brother more than life itself. He’s always been there for me, in more ways than I can ever repay, and for that I’ll always be grateful.
And now, I’m going to have to go back to Sweden.
Which means I’ll see him maybe once a year.
It’s not very often that the NHL play in Sweden.
Maybe a few exhibition games, or if he gets chosen, the Four Nations tournament.
But other than that, his hockey schedule doesn’t allow many visits.
And with my visa expiring…I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see him again.
EJ looks over, and I try to wipe the expression off my face the moment his eyebrow twitches with suspicion.
“What’s up, Aves?” he asks, his blue eyes inspecting me too much for someone who should be watching the road. “Something’s eating you.”
Darn.
He’s known me my whole life, so there’s no hiding from him. But I’m going to at least try until I’m ready to share with him.
I sigh, looking out the window in a bid to hide my face from him.
I don’t want to tell him that I’ve basically lost everything.
A year ago he saved me, stepped in with a place to stay when I told him I’m coming to New York.
Without question, he was there to help me pick up the pieces Axel left behind.
But none of this is his to fix, although if you ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you differently.
Axel was his best friend first, and now, they’re on the outs.
Something I appreciate, but on the other side, Axel’s actions hurt more than just me.
He hurt my family and his life-long friend in the process.
I have no idea how EJ would’ve reacted if he were still in Stockholm when it happened.
I’m thankful to God that he was in a whole different country.
Knowing my brother and his protective streak over me, he would’ve done something that could’ve cost him his career.
No, I’ve taken up too much space in EJ’s life, and I can’t keep doing it.
“It’s nothing,” I say, reaching toward the archaic radio and turning the knob a little louder. “This is good, who’s this again?” I ask, trying and failing to pretend to like Def Leopard.
“You’re not fooling me, Aves,” he says, turning down the music again. “You hate them.”
“I don’t hate them,” I defend, watching as his brow quirks accentuate the scar above his eye, daring me to prove him wrong. “I just don’t get why you have to listen to dead people singing along to their instruments.”
“They’re not dead,” he says with a laugh, the look on his face like I just attacked his goalie. “You just don’t know a good thing when you see it.”
Maybe he’s right there. I’ve had an entire year in New York. A good opportunity to build more relationships, to find a different job and a different apartment. I had an entire year to cement my place here…and yet after all this time I’m finding myself with nothing.
Again.
“So,” I ask, wanting to steer the conversation away from me, my troubles, or my taste in anything. “Why are we having dinner with Lucas and Hannah? Special occasion?”
He looks at me, a knowing look on his face.
We may as well have been twins. We look so much alike and with only eighteen months between us, we grew up as close as twins would.
I’m pretty sure we started talking at the same time too.
Mom used to joke that EJ waited for me with most things.
Talking, getting off diapers and even riding a bike.
I sped up on my milestones while he happily waited for me so we could reach them together.
So I can’t have that anymore. EJ needs to live his life.
“I’m here for you, you know?” he says, reaching over and squeezing my hand.
“Yeah, I know.”
His mouth twitches a little and he looks out the window as we turn off the main road heading to Westchester.
“You know I haven’t used my big brother privilege to set Axel straight yet.”
“There’s no such thing.”
“No such—” he says, frowning at me. “Come on, you know I have the right to at least break his nose.”
His words may have started out teasingly, but it’s quickly turning into something else.
Talking about Axel just isn’t easy. I don’t want to go into details and I certainly don’t want to relive my mistakes over and over again.
It’s a sore subject, both of us sitting with too much anger and resentment to handle this.
“And that’s at the very least,” he adds when I don’t say anything.
I sigh. “EJ, it doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.”
He lets out a mirthless laugh, his fingers tightening on the steering wheel.
“Avah, you never want to talk about it. You don’t want to discuss exactly what happened. You don’t want me to call him, or break his face—”
“Exactly,” I cut him off. “There’s no reason to discuss it, or to talk to anyone about anything, EJ.
It’s in the past. And no amount of talking or nose breaking is going to fix what happened.
Nothing anyone can do, will be able to erase what happened.
So that’s why I just want to shut up about it. Is that so hard to understand?”
There’s a few minutes of silence after my very mature rant. I dare a glance at my brother, whose jaw is still tight, his knuckles still white as he stares at the road in front of him.
“Yes, because I don’t get it. You’ve been here for a year now, Aves. Everytime I try to talk to you, or try to help you, you shut me down. Hannah is the first person you’ve actually reached out to and that’s saying a lot since you’ve been at almost all the games and social events.”
I turn to him, his words cutting into my heart.
“So what?” I ask. “I’m dealing with this how I need to—”
“You’re not dealing with anything, Avah!”