Chapter 4 #2
His words land…hard. I know he’s right. I hate that he’s right, that I can’t deny it.
I don’t want to face anything. I want to run away and hide.
I want to erase everything that happened, everything I felt and are still feeling.
I’ve been shutting the door on my feelings and it’s starting to leak through the cracks.
I wipe a tear that’s rolling down my cheek.
EJ reaches out and squeezes my hand.
“You can’t let him dictate your future, lillasyster.”
“You sound just like mom.” I sigh. “He was supposed to be my future, EJ.”
“Yes but he messed up the chance he had,” he says, his voice firm. “He shouldn’t get the privilege."
My gaze is pinned on the different cars in front of us, making their way through traffic with us. I can’t help but wonder if any of the people in those cars are struggling with a past they wish would disappear, if any of them have issues they don’t know how to fix.
I’ve prayed.
I have.
But still, it’s like I don’t have the answer. Or I have it, but I don’t want to see it.
I don’t know which is worse.
“Just…try,” he says as we turn onto the gravel driveway of Lucas and Hannah’s home in Westchester. “Don’t you have someone at work that you could go out with? Maybe go on a date or something?”
He switches off the ignition and I can’t help but laugh.
My brother has never, in our entire lives, encouraged me to go on a date with anyone.
In fact, quite the opposite is true. He was alright with me dating Axel, because he knew Axel first. And most of the time, the three of us spent time together.
“A date? Are you being serious?” I ask with a huff. “You must either be really worried, or a puck hit you in the head during your last game.”
He shrugs. “Couldn’t hurt, right?”
“This coming from the guy who hasn’t had a date in what…?” I ask, grabbing my bag off the floor of the car and setting it on my lap, ready to head inside and end this crazy conversation.
“That’s not the point,” he says quickly. “And, I go on dates.”
“Oh yeah?” I ask, opening the door and stepping out into the cool night air, leaning on the roof of his car with a sceptical look on my face. “When was that? And Katya in high school doesn’t count.”
He closes the door and walks around the hood, ignoring my gaze.
“I went on a date with Liz last week,” he says like it’s no big deal. He’s hit it off with one of Hannah’s friends for a while now, and I’ve been waiting for the two of them to act on what we could all see is between them.
“And?”
“And nothing,” he says with a shrug. “But we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you moving on with your life. Just please, no dating apps.”
The look on his face matches my own distaste.
“Never.”
We reach the front door and he knocks.
“And no more teammates,” he adds. “Maybe it’s best if you keep away from hockey players all together. Pick someone who’ll be home every night, a teacher or a lawyer or something.”
I don’t know why his words stir offense inside of me. I’ve never considered my type to be ‘hockey player’, but now that he’s telling me to stay away from hockey players it leaves me to consider the alternative. And I’m not sure how I feel about it.
“You’re a hockey player,” I state, wondering what the issue is.
“Exactly. And I spend a lot of time with hockey players.”
“Are you saying your teammates are all bad guys?” I ask, only half joking knowing most of them are great guys. Maybe with the exception of Declan Murphy.
“They’re great. But none of them are good enough for you,” he plants a kiss on top of my head before ringing the doorbell.
“You’re a hypocrite."
“No,” he says with a grin. “It’s called a big brother. It’s in the job description.”
* * *
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I say, drinking my peppermint tea while settling at the counter in Hannah’s kitchen. “I really don’t want to go back to Sweden.”
After the guys went outside to get the grill ready, I spilled my guts to Hannah. I’m convinced God sent her to me since it’s so easy to talk to her. There’s never been an ounce of judgment from her, she sets me at ease, and I know when I talk to her I’ll get Godly wisdom and advice.
Hannah continues to chop the tomatoes for the salad, not looking at me but rather focusing on what she’s doing.
“I don’t understand,” Hannah says, a small frown on her face as she tosses the tomatoes in the bowl next to the chopping board. “So you have two weeks left at your job…”
“Yes, and then I have about a month's grace period. But I can’t work at that time. It’s basically to get my things in order before I go back.”
“And you can’t just reapply?” she asks, rinsing her hands before adjusting her braid over her shoulder. I’ve shown her a few new ways to braid her hair while we’ve been friends.
“Not from here, no.” I sigh. “I’d have to go back, unless I can find a company willing to sponsor me in the next few weeks. But that’ll be difficult, especially considering that I’m already counting down the days until I have to leave. No one moves that fast.”
Hannah grimaces as she grabs the cucumbers from the fridge and gets to work on them.
“Okay, so if you have to go back…then what?” she asks, eyeing me carefully. “You look for a job from there? Or apply for a different kind of visa?”
I shake my head, not even wanting to consider it. “I want to stay. I don’t want to go back, not even for a day.”
In a bid to keep my hands busy, I reach for the sugar snap peas waiting on the counter and tear open the packet.
My mind goes to Axel’s self-righteous face and the fake tears he sported when I walked into the locker room and found him tangled up with one of his many, many fans.
Snapping the peas in half is oddly satisfying especially since I can’t help but imagine it’s his collection of signed hockey sticks I’m breaking instead.
“Why?” Hannah asks. There’s caution in her voice. During the playoffs I mentioned that I used to be engaged before I moved to New York, but I haven’t told her more than that. I didn’t want to, and I’m forever grateful that she hasn’t asked.
I sigh. Looking out the kitchen windows, my gaze settles on EJ and his teammates sitting around the grill, happily chatting away. I try to erase the feelings bubbling up, the feeling that I don’t have a place like that. A place where I completely fit in and belong.
You can’t run forever. At some point you’ll have to face it. You’ll have to forgive…
My wounded pride bristles at the thought. Forgiveness? He didn’t even try to call after that night…Except, that’s not entirely true? Is it? He called and texted. I just didn’t want to hear what he had to say. He even showed up at my parents’ house when I refused to see him.
I grip another sugar snap pea too tightly. It breaks, juice splattering across the counter.
I know I should forgive him, even if he hasn’t shown a shred of remorse. Perhaps he hasn’t because I never gave him a chance to show it. But it’s hard. It’s easier to tell myself he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. I’ve already given him everything, and I’m not giving him anything else.
“It’s a long story,” I say, tossing the broken pea aside.
I wipe my hands on the dishtowel, looking at Hannah. The person who’s been the only real friend I’ve had ever since moving here.
She glances over her shoulder to where the guys are putting the steaks on the grill.
“We have time…” she says, leaving the floor open if I should decide to share.
“Well, you know I was engaged.” I sigh, popping a sugar snap pea in my mouth and biting into the crunchy vegetable.
“I swear, looking back, God had a plan for me to escape. That job came out of nowhere. And the fact that it was here, in New York, over 3000 miles away from Axel, was just exactly what I needed.”
Hannah continues to cut the cucumbers, her green eyes filled with compassion. She’s always managed to make me feel comfortable and supported by just being near me. I have no idea how she does it, it’s a gift from the Father, honestly.
“And Axel is the fiancé, right?” she asks.
“Ex-fiancé,” I correct her. “Yes.”
Hannah nods, tossing the cucumbers into the bowl. “The guy who never really knew you…the one who bought the engagement ring you never really liked.”
That was the part I shared with her when she got married to Lucas. That and not a lot else.
“Yup. Exactly.” I toss in the rest of the peas, before opening the feta cheese. I’m not about to tell her that even though I didn’t like the ring, it’s still neatly tucked away in my dresser.
I really do need help.
“What happened?” she asks carefully, turning to the drawer and taking out tongs for the salad. “Or do you not want to talk about it?”
“It’s fine, I guess,” I say, looking up at her. “We all grew up together, Axel and EJ played hockey together and we’ve been in each other’s circles for as long as I can remember. It was easy to be with him, you know?”
Hannah smiles knowingly. “Axel was always around the house, at our dinner table, in my brother’s room—it was weird not to see one without the other. Which means he was present for most of my life. He knew me like nobody else did—or at least that’s what I thought.”
Hannah narrows her gaze. “Why do you think things fell apart?”
I shrug, swirling the peppermint tea in the cup.
“I’ve thought about it over and over again.
Everything was perfect between us, and then EJ moved to New York.
Axel still played for a great team in the SHL, but something changed.
I don’t know—maybe when EJ left there was no real reason for us to be together anymore.
Which is just wrong. I remember him getting more distant.
I couldn’t get a hold of him all the time, he was fine with me missing games and didn’t always want me to go along.
I thought we just needed to get into a new rhythm, one that didn’t include EJ…
but by that time, I guess he was already including other people. ”
I look up at her, fighting back tears. “I walked in on him with one of his fangirls,” I say, my voice soft as the image pops up in front of me again…his jersey, her giggles, the way he didn’t even notice me standing there.
Hannah’s hand flies up to her mouth. “I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that. That’s absolutely horrible.”
I’ve struggled with that image for so long, it’s been haunting my dreams. A part of me broke when I saw that.
After years of waiting, we had started our physical relationship when we got engaged.
I wanted to wait until we got married but when we got engaged…
I figured this was a step we could take together as a couple who’s about to commit to each other for life. It felt like the right time.
But seeing him in that locker room…the betrayal cut so deep it feels like it won’t ever properly heal.
I’ve asked for God’s forgiveness so many times.
Sometimes my prayers sound hollow, other times I can almost feel His love and forgiveness flooding me.
Then there are times where guilt and shame creep back in, leaving me to think that I never really had His forgiveness to begin with.
I don’t know if it even means anything anymore.
“Don’t tell EJ,” I tell Hannah, unable to meet her gaze. My throat feels dry, my eyes burning just thinking about the humiliation I felt at that moment.
“He doesn’t know about Axel?” she asks, reaching over the counter and squeezing my hand. “About what he did?”
“No, of course he knows,” I say. “Well, he knows the gist of it. But I mean about the visa.”
“Avah—”
“I’ll tell him myself when I’m ready. I need to figure this out on my own. I can’t have him rescue me all the time.”
She eyes me wearily. “You know he loves you and will do anything for you, right?”
“That’s exactly the problem, Han.” Getting up, I take the bowl of salad from her and walk to the dining room table. “He’s done so much for me already. Axel was his best friend, his teammate, and because of me, he lost that person in his life.”
“It’s not because of you, Avah, it’s because of Axel that he lost him.”
“But if I hadn’t…”
“No,” Hannah says, getting plates and cutlery from the cabinets and setting them on the table with a loud clack.
“I get feeling guilty, really I do. I’ve sat with guilt myself about the decisions I’ve made in the past. I’ve struggled with forgiving myself when God has already forgiven me. But this isn’t on you, Avah.”
She starts to make her way around the table, her eyes not leaving mine as she sets the table.
“You’ll have to forgive Axel on your own time, that will be something you figure out with God. But EJ losing his best friend? That’s not your fault, your blame to carry. That’s between the two of them.”
I swallow. I’ve wanted to take that on me too, because I know my brother hasn’t completely dealt with this.
He hasn’t seen or spoken to Axel ever since it happened…
that I know of. We also haven’t really talked about it.
For a year, it’s been moved to the side, because it’s easier to just pretend that nobody dropped a bomb on your life.
“So, you’ll keep this a secret?” I ask, needing to know that I have one less thing to worry about.
Hannah sighs, walking around the table before pulling me in for a hug. “Of course I will, until you’re ready to tell him. I hope there’s something you can figure out in the meantime. You’re the first friend I’ve made here, and if you leave…”
“I know,” I say, hugging her back. “In the end I’ll probably have to go back. But I’m hoping that somehow God will intervene the same way He did before. Unless…he gave me this chance and I blew it.”
Hannah smiles. “Maybe that’s true. But I know that God doesn’t just give you one chance. The next opportunity might not look the same as the first one, but another opportunity will come along.”
Please, God, let this be a message from You. I need this to be true.
“Why don’t you come with us to church on Sunday?” Hannah asks as we make our way back to the kitchen. “We found a place that we actually like. Maybe there’s a message for you on how to move forward. If you’re looking for answers, God’s the only One who has them, Avah.”
I find myself nodding in agreement. I haven’t found a church in New York, which just tells me again how I’ve basically been sleep walking for the past year.
“I’ll definitely join you, thanks Han.”
At this point in my life, it’s going to take an intervention from God to show me where I need to go.