CHAPTER 20
Claire
“Men are douchebags, Claire. Believe me,” Audrey tells me, holding a bowl of popcorn sprinkled with M&M’s.
I’ve been lying with my head in my mom’s lap for the past ten minutes as she stroked my hair while I teared up telling them about my last argument with Harvey.
We’re in my room, all of us on my bed like this is a slumber party.
Except it’s not. This is painful .
“Show him what he’s missing out on,” Audrey says.
“Hmm, I’m not sure that’s the best idea,” my mom chimes in. “He might not mind using Claire in the meantime.”
Audrey shakes her head. “Nah, Mom, he really likes Claire. It’s obvious.”
A few more tears fall down my face, and my mom wipes them away one by one. “Yes, maybe, but he loves her ,” I mutter.
“Oh, sweetie.” My mom sighs as I sit up and grab the bowl of popcorn. “Life and love, especially love, can be messy. But it’s beautiful too, I promise.”
“How would you know?” my sister asks boldly.
My mom laughs. “I dated a few men before your father. And after I birthed you two, I felt a different kind of love—the most powerful one I’ve ever experienced.”
“How can I even love someone I’ve never dated? It doesn’t make sense to me,” I say, more to myself.
I knew I loved him when I wanted him to work things out with Gemma if it made him happy.
“It’s up to you, Claire.” My mom comforts me. “There’s no guarantee that things will work out with his girlfriend. But if they do, how much heartache are you willing to put up with, especially if it affects your career?”
“If she acts cold toward him, he’ll realize what he’s missing out on. You didn’t see the way he looks at her, Mom,” Audrey says, reinforcing her point.
“Perhaps.” My mom stares at me. “I just don’t want you to get hurt the way I did.”
“I know.” I smile at her, holding on to her arm.
Audrey’s shoving popcorn into her mouth. “Step one: act cold. Step two: watch him grovel at your feet.” She wiggles her eyebrows, and we all laugh at her silliness.
I’m so lucky to have these women in my life.
We end up watching The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement until I start getting ready for bed, feeling much better than I did earlier.
I’m glad I opened up to my family.
It was hard keeping this situation with Harvey a secret. Not that I told them everything, but still. The hardest thing was acting like his words didn’t bother me today when I realized how heartbroken he was because of Gemma.
After showering and blow-drying my hair, I stare at myself in the mirror, noticing my red eyes. I look sad. Something love shouldn’t do to someone before they even date the other person.
Maybe Audrey’s right.
I can’t have him. I want him to try with Gemma. But he can’t try his hand with me also in the meantime.
I straighten my posture.
It’s time I act professional. Let him do his thing with Gemma while I focus on myself.
“Claire…hi,” Harvey says when he sees me.
“How are you?” He looks taken aback, no doubt by my tone of voice.
It’s nothing personal, but I know, deep down, that if I don’t reel in my feelings for him now, they’ll grow and grow with uncontrollable fervor.
And leaving this job is the last thing I want. The pay is good for a postgrad student, and I’d like to have at least one year of experience on my résumé.
Still, I also know that I don’t care about anything as much as I care about Harvey. And that must stop because Gemma’s the one who gets to come home to him every night and be with him.
“I’m…good.” He looks good, much better than he looked yesterday. “Claire, please let me apologize.” He takes my hands in his, wheeling closer to me.
I shake my head, my heart torn in half. “You can’t touch me, Harvey. Not anymore. You want Gemma, so we must keep our distance from each other.” I swallow because this is one of the hardest things to do—to keep him at bay.
Really all I want to do is pull this man closer to me.
I want to sit on his chair and kiss him.
Grab his face with my hands and whisper sweet nothings to him.
I want to laugh with him and do dishes with him by my side and play games with him and grow old with him.
Yet the time has come to get off of fantasy island and get a dose of reality.
He lets go of my hands as he looks away, then he nods, wheeling backward. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright,” I reassure him. “I’ll reach out to Gemma again and then hopefully we can put this behind us.”
And I try to do exactly that.
I try and pretend I never fell for him.
On Friday, I meet with Gemma for a late lunch after wrapping up with Harvey early. I don’t tell him that I’m meeting her. This way, if she asks him about it, he’ll be surprised.
She finally responded to my text and agreed to meet me at a local sandwich bar, where I sit waiting for her. When I see her, I think she looks miserable, with prominent circles under her eyes.
“Hi, Gemma!” I wave to show her where I’m seated, then I play with my nails beneath the table.
“Hey.” She sits across from me, grabbing the menu right away.
I don’t blame her for her air of hostility.
I fell for her boyfriend when all I was supposed to do was help him.
She has every right to hate me.
The waiter comes and takes our orders, and then I thank her for agreeing to meet with me, not sure how else to break the ice.
“Yeah, well…we had to meet at some point.”
I nod, tightening my ponytail. “I just wanted to say that I should’ve handled this better. As Harvey’s nurse and PT assistant, I completely failed my duty.” I start rambling about breaking the code of ethics.
God, why can’t I shut up when I’m nervous?
It’s not my first time around Gemma, yet I know I messed up, and I hurt her.
I sigh. “Whatever feelings I have for Harvey will not jeopardize my job in any way, but I will keep things professional from now on.”
I hope she knows I mean it.
“Look, Claire…”
She doesn’t seem to know what to say next, so I tell her the first thing that comes to mind. “I hope you don’t hate me. I’m sorry I was out of line.”
Her eyes widen in response. “I don’t hate you,” she says, as our waiter sets our plates of food on the table. “I guess I’m just wondering… I mean, Harvey doesn’t physically need someone with him daily. His parents knew this when they hired you. It was more to have someone spend time with him and focus on his physical therapy.”
I nod, agreeing, not knowing what else to say. I should’ve known that it would come to this. That Gemma would seek to get rid of me or reduce my hours.
She’s not wrong either—Harvey doesn’t need a full-time nurse nor PT assistant.
At the same time, the silly part of me doesn’t want to imagine not seeing Harvey five days a week.
I don’t know what to tell her, so I ask, “Does Harvey know?”
Perhaps he’s discussed it with Gemma and simply never told me. It’s very possible that he promised to get rid of me to win her back.
The thought of him doing so hurts me beyond words.
Instead, Gemma shakes her head. “I’ll talk to him about it.” And just like that, I release a breath of relief.
“I know…I know he manages well on his own, but he’s also doing really well with therapy because of my help. And, well, I think he must get lonely sometimes.”
She knows all this, yet it can’t hurt to remind her.
“I’ll let you know what we decide.” She hits me with the we , reminding me that she and Harvey are the ultimate team here.
“Of course, Gemma.”
We finish our lunch, and I ask a few questions about her job. I stop when I sense a lot of hesitancy on her part. She even blushes a few times, and it makes me wonder if Harvey’s right and she is cheating on him.
I hope not.
I know that Harv and I messed up too, but this would truly hurt him.
I change my mind and call Harvey after lunch to give him a heads-up about my meeting with Gemma, but it goes straight to voicemail.