Chapter 51
Leo
‘Take a seat,’ I tell him.
‘Put that knife down.’ He seems pretty fucking mad. Just in his boxers again. Jesus, this guy.
‘No.’
‘What’s going on?’
‘Mandy’s gonna tell you.’
‘Mandy? Who’s Mandy?’
I look at her. ‘Wait... Doesn’t he know?’
He looks at her. ‘Know what?’
‘Oh, another curveball.’
‘Know what, Mal?’ he repeats.
He seems stressed. Let’s calm him down a bit. ‘Do you want some wine, Ronan? Or vodka. She’s drinking wine and I’m drinking vodka. It’s all chill. It’s a book club. See?’ I point to the screen. ‘This is the book we’re reading.’
‘Why is he here, Mal? Did you let him in?’
Can she talk? She seems to have forgotten how to. I’ll help. ‘I’ve been here for a while, Ronan. You have good cupboard space in this house. You sure I can’t get you some wine?’
‘Get out of my house.’
‘You gonna call the police again?’ He doesn’t have his phone.
Unless he’s hiding it in his kecks, but it doesn’t seem that way.
‘Just sit down and join our book group.’ He doesn’t.
‘Sit down, Ronan. Sit the fuck down.’ I tap the tabletop with the knife.
‘We were discussing the topic of redemption.’ Mandy looks at me funny.
‘A good story – from what I remember at school – needs some redemption at the end.’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’ He’s still not sitting.
Fine. ‘Sit the fuck down, Ronan. I like this knife. Looks sharp.’ He looks a bit conflicted, hesitant (I like these words, good words for a book group).
Then he nods. Sits at one of the stools.
Does not look happy about it. ‘That’s better.
Here we all are. The meeting can resume. So. What do we think of redemption?’
‘OK. Leo, is it?’
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘My name is Liam.’
He frowns. Puts his hand out towards me, like he’s trying to calm me down. But I feel pretty fucking calm. ‘Well, Liam. Put the knife down, and we can talk. I’m not talking to you with that. We don’t want an accident to happen.’
‘You’re a liar, you.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘I know what you are.’ I keep the knife in my hand. ‘So let’s go back a bit. To Mandy’s book deal.’
His eyebrows raise. Surprise. ‘What book deal?’
‘She got a one-hundred-thousand-pound book deal.’
The way he looks at her actually makes me feel weird. He loathes her. ‘What? The romance?’
I laugh. ‘Slay is definitely not a fucking romance, Ronan.’
‘Slay?’ He pulls a face. Like, fucking fuming. He can’t hold it in. This is a mad conversation. I need more wine. I take a big fuck-off glug as he turns to her. ‘I thought you’d deleted it, Mal? I saw you delete it.’
She’s still not speaking. I’ll answer for her. ‘It’s definitely not been deleted.’ I point to the screen. ‘It’s right here.’
He stares at me. I shrug. He stares at the screen.
I can see him itching to lean over the table and grab the laptop.
He won’t though. He looks a bit stupid, actually.
A bit pathetic. Smaller now he’s sat down.
I reckon he was blonde once. I feel drunk.
On the voddy. But also the power. I like this knife. It’s good.
‘Leo...’ Oh, she does speak. Very quiet though. ‘Please can you just give me and my husband—’
‘No fucking way. All members of book club should be present when discussing important book club-related topics.’ I smile, because I want to seem like a willing participant.
I am willing.
I like it here.
And there are still some things I need to know.
‘Leo, please, just put down the knife and pass me the laptop—’
‘So when you followed me, Mandy – and you came to the AA meeting...’ I hold up the vodka bottle again.
Cheers. ‘You were so nice to me. What I wanna know is, if I’m the inspiration for Liam, is there something like copyright I can get?
Is that what it’s called? Or is it royalties?
Asking cos I’m skint, and some of that money would go a long, long way for me.
You know, this poor little drug addict sex worker over here needs to pay his way.
Although – I’m not really a sex worker. I suppose I am a bit.
But I never meant to be. Anyway. Whatever. I want some money.’
I smile.
‘We don’t have any money for you, Leo.’
Ronan can fuck off. ‘Liam.’
‘Fine – Liam—’
‘What were you gonna do with it anyway? You’re minted.
Look at this place. Help a poor boy out,’ I say.
I clasp my hands together like Oliver Fucking Twist. ‘Please, sir, I need some more.’ I don’t even know why I’m having to ask, if I’m honest. ‘Should I email this Stan guy, ask him what he thinks?’ I stab at a laptop key to activate the screen.
‘He might love that. Meeting me. He might offer more. Maybe we could do like a joint interview.’ I see her face. ‘Oh. I see. He doesn’t know about me.’
I get the email chain up.
She flinches. ‘It’s not you, Leo. It’s not about you.’
‘Why are you lying? I wanted to talk about the love interest. Mark. It’s mad, this stuff.
So let’s just go through it, my fellow book-clubbers.
Liam is gay – which is very cool, isn’t it.
He gets raped by a teacher at school a few times, and then when he gets older, he meets this man, Mark, who pays him for sex but also abuses him – but Mark loves him really – so it’s kinda like OK because Mark has his own shit.
He’s a well-rounded human so we feel a bit sorry for him.
Which is really nice. He’s a real human being with his own faults and stuff.
I think Stanley said it was brave of you to do that.
Yeah, brave. That’s what he said. It is.
Very brave, Mallory. Making Liam keep going back to the man who’s fucking him up because he just wants to be looked after, because he can’t do it himself.
Wait... Maybe Leo is actually you?’ I stop.
They don’t look at each other. ‘See, I think these characters are more similar than they know. And that’s interesting to me, cos when I came back – to speak to you—’ I can hear my voice crack.
Fucking stop it. I down more voddy. ‘I was never in love with Mo – you know that right? Just checking. And definitely did not want his protection. I just wanted his fucking money, like I want yours.’ I take another gulp.
It helps. I get Slay back up, start scrolling through the text again.
‘I was in love once. A long time ago. His name was Sam. He was dead sweet and stuff but we were very boring together. It really wasn’t very dark or interesting.
But I do like that you made Liam insane for a man who fucks him over and drives him to the edge.
’ I stop talking, scrolling. Look up at her.
‘Makes you feel sad for him, doesn’t it.
But I do love that you make him cool. He’s like edgy-cool, Liam.
Isn’t he? Kinda doesn’t really give a shit that his life is in fucking tatters.
It’s fun. Oh—Oh.’ I find the bit I’m looking for.
‘And he’s sexy. I really love that. There’s this bit where you talk about his muscles when Mark is doing something fucking awful to him.
His... “six pack gleaming with sweat”.’ I pull my top up.
Show them my stomach. ‘As you can see, I do not have one. So I liked that you put that in. Stanley loved that too, didn’t he.
He said it’s no bad thing to make your lead character hot. ’
They both look at me like I’m fucking bonkers.
I think they are.
‘Leo, this is getting out of hand now,’ Ronan says calmly. ‘I want us all to be safe. I want you to be safe.’
‘Do you?’
‘We can sort you somewhere to stay tonight, and then figure out the help you need, OK?’
‘The help I need?’
‘Yes.’
‘You need fucking help.’
‘Leo—’
‘Does that mean the money I’m owed?’
‘Owed?’
‘Yeah.’
‘We don’t owe you any money.’
‘She does.’ I point the knife at her. ‘Lots of the stuff in her book came from my brain. I know they were lies, but they were my lies – and she made them way worse. I was lying, you know, for money. I wanted you to think I was really fucked up and sad then invite me here so I can nick your stuff. But isn’t that what you’ve been doing?
I genuinely want to know. It’s OK – cos like I said, it means we are the same, you and I. ’ I stand.
‘Leo—’ she says again.
‘Did I use the words correctly there? You and I. Not: you and me.’ I start to move around the table towards her. I feel a bit... I dunno.
Out of control.
But not.
Fucking calm.
It’s mad.
I move in front of her. ‘Are we the same?’ She looks up at me. Something in her eyes. Something terrified. I know it. I do. Makes me feel suddenly sick. ‘What would Liam do?’ I say to her. ‘Right now?’
She shakes her head. ‘Please, Leo – please just—’
‘I think we have to give him a chance, don’t we? Cos I dunno, I’m not the author or anything, but I think he would fight. Fight for himself. For his survival.’ I am close enough now to see the mascara smudged down her face. ‘Why are you crying?’
‘You’re scaring me.’
‘I’m scaring you? That’s a good thing, isn’t it? Nice dramatic material.’
‘Leo...’ Ronan says.
I look up at him. ‘What do you want?’
‘I need you to calm down.’
‘I’m very calm.’
‘Move away from my wife.’
‘You’re running too,’ I say to her. I feel all ballsy now.
Feel like a madhead. ‘You said when you started this you wanted to leave.’ I point the knife at him.
My hand is trembling now. ‘Cos I love in the book how you really got stuck into the life of the therapist. I guess she’s just trying to survive too, isn’t she?
She sees something in Liam – it gives her something back.
A part of her she misses. It’s dead nice that.
And that thing she wants – he wants it too.
Liam and Mandy actually want the same fucking thing.
It’s genius. That’s what the book is saying.
We are all just trying to survive. I was really hoping she would get out.
Cos her husband’ – I jab the knife through the air at him – ‘is a fucking cunt.’
‘Put the knife down, Leo.’
‘No – Ronan. No.’
A noise.
From the kitchen door.