Chapter 51 #2
We all turn at once. There, in the doorway. The other woman. Her mum.
‘What is going on?’
‘Mum – please go back—’
‘No!’ I say. ‘Definitely don’t go back upstairs. Are you here to join book club?’
She looks fucking petrified. And half asleep. ‘Who is this?’
‘I’m Liam,’ I say.
‘Liam?’
I should clarify. ‘Yeah. Liam. From Mandy’s story. I’m him, in the flesh.’
Her eyes widen. ‘What is happening—
‘Stace, go back upstairs.’
‘No, Stace, do not go back upstairs. We are having a very interesting discussion. Sit. Sit. Sit.’
She makes a small whimper. Then sits. Good.
Easy. My hand is really shaking now. I can see it.
‘Let’s move onto the topic of endings. So in the ending, there is a death.
Have you read it, Stace? No? Oh, OK. It’s really good.
But a bit much. I dunno if you like to read about bad things happening to other people but that’s basically the gist of the book.
Anyway, then he dies. Sad that, innit. He kills himself.
’ Her face has gone white. She looks absolutely fucking terrified.
‘Mandy made me the focus of the book.’ I do a little spin.
I dunno why. Put a bit of gay flare into it.
‘Yas, gawd. I actually won the award in high school for most likely to be famous – and here it is! I also won most likely to be dead before I’m twenty-seven – which...
I mean, all bets are off for that one. But if Mandy’s story is right – both things could be true. ’
Stace stares at me.
‘So – I was just clearing some stuff up for her. It’s the first time I’ve been able to give feedback.
I can tell she’s a bit unsure – but I wanna give it anyway.
And Ronan, here’ – I point the knife at Ronan.
I see him flinch – ‘Ronan isn’t really keen for me to be here, but I think it’s fun. Do you have any voddy?’
‘What?’
‘Vodka. Get more vodka, Ronan.’ Stace looks like she’s gonna fall off her seat. ‘Ronan, I said get the vodka.’
He stands slowly. Goes to the fridge. Opens the freezer compartment below.
Takes out another bottle of Grey Goose. ‘Yes,’ I say.
He takes a glass from the cabinet and starts to pour.
‘More. More, Ronan, more.’ He keeps glugging.
When it is nearly full, he stops and hands it to me.
‘Ta.’ I do it in one. The burn is amazing.
‘Right, Stace, so you haven’t read it – but in the book Liam is the lead character.
He’s a nice guy – but a bit stupid. Gets himself into all sorts of bother.
He gets abused a lot and gets sick and all that – and he can’t read.
That was interesting to me. Cos the thing is, I can read.
I actually used to love reading. I went to uni to study English but I fucked that up – drugs.
Yeah, drugs will do that. Had to drop out, went back to Essex.
Pretty boring, really. Anyway – I read Charles Dickens when I was like fourteen and absolutely fucking loved it.
Do you know why I loved it? I loved it cos it was funny.
I found it well funny. I love a bit of humour.
Slay doesn’t have much humour. Actually, Slay is not funny at all.
’ I rotate the knife in my hand slowly. It feels good.
Weighty. ‘Also, I liked Shakespeare. Shakespeare loved killing people off, didn’t he?
Can I get a big gay book club yas to that one?
’ No one says anything. ‘I think most of his main characters died. So makes sense that Liam dies at the end of Slay. He’s a bit Shakespearean.
A bit dramatic. Tortured. But I’m missing something.
I’m just trying to get to the reason, Mandy – the reason why he does it.
I mean, I might be wrong – and maybe we should open it up for discussion – but I think he dies cos he is gay and can’t cope.
’ I look at Stace. Stace doesn’t look like she should be called Stace.
‘You haven’t read it, so I’ll just clarify.
There was a version of the book where Liam got better and had a happy life – but people thought it wasn’t realistic – and I agree.
So he has to die. Liam has to die. Isn’t that right, Mandy?
Have I got that right? Liam has to die for people to buy it? ’
She stares at me.
They all do.
Fucking well quiet in this kitchen when I’m not talking. Someone else should have a go. All I can hear is the hum of the fridge.
‘In the proposed outline, you don’t actually say when he does it. What do you think – should it be today? How about now?’ I turn the knife to my stomach. ‘It might help you. With writing it. If you see it. Know what I mean?’
She puts her hand to her mouth.
‘Liam...’ Mallory says.
The mum looks like she might drop dead. Don’t think that was in the proposed ending.
I look down at the knife in my hand, facing my own tummy. I wanna cry. I really want to. I thought I would be by now. But I can’t. I just feel nothing.
They’re all crying though. Guess that’s something.
Didn’t really expect it to end like this. I am sad. Fucking gutted, actually.
That this is all it comes to.
How fucking bleak.
‘Is this how you see me?’ She still doesn’t answer. None of them do. ‘All I wanted was some warmth,’ I say. ‘A bit of your warmth.’ Nothing. ‘Right,’ I continue. ‘Since you know best. Goodbye then.’