34. Grae #2
There is something vaguely familiar about Jenny and the way she treats Alana.
I scan over the faces in the room, and a new sinking feeling hits me.
Old fears, almost forgotten, rise back in my mind—the way Waverly curls up next to Lukas, the way Izzy moves off the couch to go tend to Lance after the joke has passed.
Alana says something, but I miss it. Whatever it is, the group starts laughing. But nausea grips my organs, and I need to turn away. Deep breaths. One, two, three, in and out. Images of our final days so many years ago, connections that click into place and I can finally see the whole puzzle.
Years of press training come into full force right now as I smile and laugh with the group.
Conversations jump from person to person, and I can’t keep track.
I only listen for the change in topic, something new to distract the group.
Once everyone is talking about some trending video that will be irrelevant in three days, I reach for Alana’s wrist and give it a squeeze.
Her eyebrows crease when she looks at me.
I almost choke on the words, “We need to talk.” She laces her fingers with mine as we walk upstairs.
The kids are all in another bedroom yelling “That’s not fair!” and other cries of outrage. But we continue up a third flight of stairs to the master bedroom. The room is large, with classic neutral designs, a custom bed frame and a walk-in closet with motion sensitive lighting.
“This is your second home?”
“I don’t like it, it’s too big and fancy.
” She says, “When Amanda bought a place a few doors down, I took it as a sign to leave and crash with Lance for a while. Plus, the apartment was easier to keep clean.” She sits on the bed and bounces.
“Since my apartment was compromised by every single criminal in the city with a shred of power and my front door is broken, I packed Midge and moved back in here.”
Always so logical, but that doesn’t mean she’s devoid of emotion. No one feels as deeply as Alana, and I’m so stupid for not seeing it sooner.
“There’s something I need to say, and I’m struggling with the words so bear with me.
” I sit on the edge of her bed and lace my fingers together, staring at her feet.
“I took everything from you, and you spent the last few years creating surrogates from that old life. Jenny is Lena, chaotic and kind. Waverly is quiet, but smart and highly sensitive, just like Amanda.” I tighten my grip on my fingers.
“Izzy is everything you’re not. A mom, down to earth, and encourages to show emotions, so that’s why you gave her to Lance. ”
The lump in my throat tightens. “I think Katya is supposed to be you, but if you had a happy ending and got everything you secretly wanted.” My vision blurs against her gray carpet and it clears when I blink.
“I think you did the same thing with Ian.” The final words come out as a choke.
“You were pregnant when I broke up with you.”
She’s silent, and I can’t look at her. It hurts too much.
“No.” I feel instant relief, but when I lift my head, I see the pain on her face. “You got me pregnant the night we broke up.”
My heart shatters. My worst nightmare is true.
Every man in my family got their high school girlfriends pregnant and ruined her life.
Forcing them to abandon the lives they wanted to be mothers at such a young age.
My grandfather, my father and even my brother had gotten his girlfriend pregnant before they both died in a drunk driving accident. And I continued the legacy.
“We don’t need to talk about it,” she suggests, always trying to give me an out. But I shake my head.
“No. I need to hear it.” I’m torn between needing to touch her and feeling unclean, and I don’t want to contaminate her. But she makes the decision for me and laces our fingers together.
“I was at my lowest point. Depression, suicidal ideation, and that’s when Penny found me.
She gave me purpose, a support system, and a mission.
” Her voice drops so low I have to lean closer to hear her.
She keeps her eyes on our joined hands, thumb dragging over my knuckles.
She’s digging up buried memories to explain, only to have them jump out of their grave and sink their zombie teeth into her neck.
“I was eighteen weeks along and had one sonogram. Thiago flew out to L.A.to drag your ass home. My parents were in Florida moving my grandma into assisted living. I was alone and I started to bleed.” Her fingers tighten around mine until her nails bite into my skin.
“It wasn’t stopping and I called Lance, who took me to the ER.
By the time Thiago had landed, there was no point in getting you.
Any responsibility you might’ve had ended.
That was the one chance I had to be a mother, and I lost it. ”
My stomach drops. Heat crawls up my neck and settles behind my eyes. Suddenly every cold look from Lance snaps into place. “So that’s why Lance hates me.”
There’s a humorless laugh before she says, “No. Not exactly.” She shakes her head but stops and stares off at the wall.
“Three days later, you and Amanda officially announced your relationship, and she was singing a song you wrote about me. The last shred of hope that this was all a horrible misunderstanding vanished along with the last remnants of you I had.” She squeezes my knuckles as we sit lost in our mutual questions waiting for answers.
“Why don’t you hate me?” I whisper.
“I did, but there’s a razor-thin line between love and hate, until eventually it becomes indifference.
” She shakes her head. “No, that’s not true.
I was never indifferent to you. Anger and sometimes pride.
Shame followed by acceptance. There was always some sort of emotion whenever you crossed my mind. ”
We’re silent for a moment. She rests her head on my shoulder, and we listen to each other breathe.
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
“It would’ve only brought us more pain. It seemed unnecessary.” My fingers reach for her wrist, and with a light tug, I bring her closer to me.
“That's why you only wanted to do this for two weeks.” I slide off the bed and kneel in front of her. My arms wrap around her waist, and I put my head onto her lap.
She makes an equal part laugh and huff. “This was supposed to be only two weeks. I figured we could talk about Knights of the Night most of the time. And that if I could keep it quiet, we would avoid this conversation, and I wouldn’t catch feelings.” Her voice softens.
“So, I fucked up your plan,” I say.
“Like I said,” Her fingers run through my hair. “There's always been feelings when it comes to you.” I lift my head.
“It would be really mean of you to leave me now.”
“Neither Kinsley nor Alana are known for their niceness.” She strokes my cheek and rests her hand on my neck, leaving her thumb on my chin. Her spot. “But I prefer to think of myself as chaotic good.”
A huge weight lifts from my chest when she cuts the tension. I lean back to look at her, to wiggle my eyebrows and grin. “Ohhh talk nerdy to me.”
She rolls her eyes but gives me a little smile. “Do you want to stay the night?”
“I would but I don’t have any clothes.”
She motions to her closet. “There’s a few things in there for you.”
“Oh, you’re so obsessed with me, admit it already.”
“Ew.” She pushes my face away with her hands. “You’re gross.” And for a flicker of a second, she’s my goofy weirdo. But her smile fades, and the concern comes back in. “Are you okay?” That side of her won’t stay long when she’s worried about me. So I answer her honestly.
“Not really. It’s going to be a lot of talking with my therapist, but we’ll work it out.”
Together we stand, rocking each other, letting the moment last as long as it can. This was it, the worst it can be. No more secrets or hiding. Through the vents the kids yell as they play their games. They are the future while we let our forgiveness wash over ourselves.