Chapter 16
CECILIA
The tension is thick, and silence hangs heavy between us. I waited a few minutes after Julio left before grabbing my things and making my way down the bleachers.
Gabriel stood beside my car, keys in hand and a tight expression on his face. Neither of us said a word as we climbed inside, him in the driver’s seat and me in the passenger side.
I could have argued. Told him I was fine to drive.
But I’m not fine. And I’m too tired to argue with him for pride’s sake.
I’m exhausted and frustrated and humiliated.
So, what’s the point? My only priority at the moment is getting home so I can lock myself in my room and hide from the world for a while longer.
Then I can go over what the fuck just happened and try to figure out how to make sure it never happens again.
We’ve been driving for ten minutes now and with each passing second, I wait for him to break the silence. For Gabriel to lash out over my behavior. To ask questions I don’t have answers to. Or tell me he never wants to speak to me again.
I completely lost it back there, so that last one is probable. He might not say anything at this very moment. Or even today. He seems like a decent guy. Probably doesn’t want to hurt my feelings after seeing me fall apart like that. But I can only imagine what’s swirling around in that head of his.
He bit off way more than he could chew here. With any luck, he’ll realize his mistake with this misguided hero complex of his and drop out of my classes and go about his life like I don’t exist. That would be the right move. The smart move on his part.
My chest squeezes at the thought. I ignore it. I barely know him. There’s zero reason for me to get attached. My head is just a mess. My emotions frazzled. He kissed me, and was kind to me, and it’s just screwing with my head.
I do not care if Gabriel drops me like a hot sack of potatoes. Not one bit.
We’re less than five minutes away from my parents’ when Gabriel breaks his silence.
“Can we talk about what happened back there?” He keeps his eyes on the road, hands clenched around the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip.
I suck in a shaky breath and chew on my lower lip.
I’m not surprised by the question. I expected it.
He deserves some sort of explanation. I know he does.
If our roles were reversed, I’d want answers too.
But… I don’t want to answer his question.
Or any others he might have. I want to pretend today never happened.
That the past year of my life never happened. I just want to move on.
Maybe if I just ignore him, he’ll get the hint and drop it.
“Cece?”
I bristle. “Don’t call me that.” My voice is brittle, and a rush of irrational tears stings the backs of my eyes. “Fuck,” I mutter under my breath and press the backs of my hands to my eyes.
I hate that nickname. Hate it so much that I want to hurl myself into oncoming traffic anytime I hear it.
Only Austin ever calls me that. It’s not sweet or cute.
It’s a tool. A name he throws at me to remind me who’s in control.
I can’t make him stop using it. I can’t make Austin stop anything.
And that’s exactly why he does it. He revels in my discomfort. It makes me feel helpless.
I shiver and tuck my hands under my thighs.
“Yeah. Okay. My bad.” Gabriel shakes his head. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
He reaches out across the center console and I recoil.
“Shit.” He sighs. “I’m really fucking this up here.”
I don’t say anything. We’re almost to my street. Just a little further.
“I think we should talk about it.” He tries again. “Cecilia?”
“I don’t want to.” My voice is a raw whisper.
His honey-brown eyes flick toward me before returning to the road.
He navigates the car over, parking on a side street less than a block from my house.
I eye the keys, still in the ignition. I don’t want to fight with him.
I just want to go home. But if I ask for my keys, I know he won’t give them to me.
Screw it. I’ll figure out how to get them tomorrow.
I reach for my seatbelt. I’ll walk the rest of the way.
Gabriel shifts in his seat and places his hand over mine. His touch startles me and I jump just as the buckle unlatches, but he doesn’t remove his hand.
“How about I talk? That okay?” When I don’t immediately shove my door open and run for it, he continues. “I need to say some things. I’m going crazy trying to process all this shit and… I just need to say a few things. Okay?”
I hold back my snort. There’s a whole mountain of shit I’ve been bottling up these past months. Things I’d love to get off my chest, so excuse me, but I’m a little short on sympathy at the moment.
He must see my response in my expression because he adds, “Please.”
I purse my lips together. I should leave. I don’t want to listen to whatever he has to say to me. But a small part of me wonders if maybe he’ll leave me alone if I hear him out. That’s the only reason I stay. It has nothing to do with the sad puppy dog expression he has trained my way.
Look at me, finally looking at the glass half full for once. Silver linings. Assuming this works and he does back off after he gets whatever he needs off his chest.
When I don’t object, he exhales a loud breath and turns to face me fully. Mimicking his position, I turn and press my back against the door, the cold from the window seeping through my shirt and chilling my skin.
“Okay. Good.”
He considers me for a moment and I wait. Silence stretches between us. Seconds pass and he just stares at me, seemingly at a loss for words.
I blink. Wait. Blink again.
Another harsh exhale. He squares his shoulders and comes to some sort of decision. Opens his mouth.
Nothing.
His shoulders slump.
Gabriel runs his hands through his hair, tugging at the dark brown strands before staring out the windshield. Almost like it’s too much just looking at me.
Welcome to the club. I hate looking at myself, too.
Still not looking at me, he says, “Back there,” he waves in the general direction behind us, “that was a panic attack, yeah?”
I nod, but he doesn’t see it.
Thinking I ignored him, he flicks his gaze toward me, and I nod again.
“Was that because of me? Did I set you off?”
I open my mouth. Close it. I consider the question more fully, but shake my head. I don’t think it was him. I’d been around him all day. If he was going to set me off, it should have happened sooner.
“Julio and Felix?”
I shrug. I don’t know. I mean, I guess it’s a yes.
But also no. My brows pull together and I close my eyes.
It wasn’t them specifically. At least, I don’t think it was.
They could have been any unfamiliar guys, and I probably would have had the same reaction.
It didn’t help seeing Austin today. Or his cronies on the team.
“Do you know them? Have you met either of them before today?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Good.”
When I frown at his response, he explains. “I trust them with my life. They’re like brothers to me, but,” he gives me a sheepish look, “I wanted to be sure. You know?”
No. I don’t know. What would my having met them before have to do with anything?
My confusion must be written across my face because Gabriel adds, “I think someone hurt you.” I hold my breath, praying he stops there.
I don’t want him making the same assumptions his friend did.
What if he told him? I silently curse. They’re best fucking friends.
Of course, he told him. Dammit. I should have asked.
Or, at the very least, begged him to keep his suspicions to himself.
My chest rises and falls at a clipped pace, my breaths ragged and shallow. This can’t get out. I can’t become the topic of campus gossip. Not about that. It’ll get back to Austin. I swallow hard. I can’t let it get back to Austin.
“That’s why you freaked out earlier, right? Because someone hurt you?”
“No.” I vigorously shake my head. “No. No. No.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” He reaches out for me and—shit. I can’t. My hands fumble for the latch on the door and, getting it open, I fall back onto the sidewalk.
“Jesus—” Gabriel rounds the car before I even manage to scramble back to my feet. “Cecilia—”
I pick up my bag and make a beeline for my house.
“What just happened?”
Gabriel jogs to keep pace with me. The door to my car is wide open and I can’t find it in me to care. I just need to get away.
“Cecilia, talk to me.”
Gabriel puts himself in front of me, blocking my path, and grabs both of my shoulders. “Will you stop for one second?”
“No.”
“No?”
I tear away from him. I can see my house. I’m almost there. My steps pick up. I’m nearly running, but Gabriel is right beside me.
“You can’t just run away from this.”
Watch me. I push past the front gate to my house and jog up the porch steps. Shoving my way inside, I slam the door behind me, but Gabriel is there to catch it. Without missing a beat, he follows me inside.
Mom and Dad are in the living room like they always are, waiting for me, but I can’t deal with their shocked expressions right now.
I round on Gabriel. “Get out of my house!”
Gabriel’s jaw tightens. He turns to my parents and in a respectful tone says, “Mrs. Russo. Mr. Russo. Hi.” He nods in greeting.
“Don’t talk to my parents.” My vision goes red and the feeling of betrayal wraps vicious hands around my throat, reminding me they’ve already met. That they helped him invade my life. “Why are you saying hi to my parents? Get out!”
He keeps his eyes locked on me, but I’m not the one he speaks to.
“Is it alright if Cecilia and I speak in her room?”
Mom and Dad stare at him in stunned silence, but it’s Dad who clears his throat and tugs a wide-eyed Mom to her feet.
“We’ll give you two some privacy.” He grabs his keys from the hook by the door and tugs my mom out behind him.
Neither one of them mutters so much as an apology to me before leaving.
I stare open mouthed at their backs. What the hell is happening? How could they do this? Just leave me here alone with him. They don’t even know him.
The door closes behind them with a soft snick, leaving Gabriel and me alone in my house, and I just can’t with him right now. I storm upstairs to my bedroom, ignoring the sound of his heavy steps on the carpet behind me.
I try and fail again to slam my door in his face. He kicks his foot out into the gap between the door and the frame before pushing his way into my space. My life. It’s too much.
He has no right to do this. To insert himself into my life like this. I don’t want him here.
“Get out.”
“Not until we talk—”
“Get out!” I say again, my voice louder this time.
His eyes narrow, and a vein jumps out on his neck.
“You had a panic attack.”
I spread my hands wide. “So what? They happen. It’s over now. You can leave.”
He stalks toward me, a tick forming along his jaw and a determined glint in his eyes.
I stumble back, but he follows, closing the distance between us despite my retreating steps. Gabriel doesn’t stop until he backs me up against my dresser, leaving me nowhere to run as he cages me in, placing his hands either side of the dresser behind me.
My heart pounds in my chest, but not from panic. I cling to the anger swirling inside of me, but even it begins to recede when Gabriel’s dark brown gaze pierces mine, and he says, “Someone hurt you.” The way he says it, like it hurts him just knowing, makes my stomach flip inside out.
I swallow hard. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” My bottom lip trembles. He doesn’t miss the motion and his eyes darken.
“Who hurt you, Cecilia?”
“No one.”
“You’re a liar.”
“So what?” There’s no point denying it. But it doesn’t mean he deserves an explanation. This is my life. My trauma. Mine. I don’t need to share that shit. Not with him. Not with anyone.
Gabriel cups the side of my face, his thumb stroking my cheek in a deceptively gentle caress. “Why are you fighting me? I want to help.”
I shove against his chest, but pushing Gabriel is like trying to move a boulder. He barely shifts.
“I don’t need your help.” Angry, unshed tears fill my eyes. What I don’t say aloud is that he can’t help. Not really. I asked for help before and look at where it got me.
“You need to let it out.”
I shake my head. No. If I do that, I’ll never get it back inside again. I wouldn’t be able to function. To go to classes. To be normal, or at least as normal as I am now. “Why won’t you leave me alone?”
“Because you’re hurting.” He draws me close, pressing his lips to my temple. His touch is tender and for a moment, I find comfort in him when I know I shouldn’t. Gabriel isn’t someone I can afford to lean on.
I fist the material of his shirt between my fingers, but this time, I don’t shove him away. I cling to him, dipping forward until my head presses beneath the hollow of his throat. He rests his chin on the crown of my head, his hands slipping to settle low on my hips.
“I’m fine.” I force the words through gritted teeth.
His chin brushes along the top of my head, moving from left to right. “No. You’re not.”
“You can’t know that.”
He sighs. “Yeah. I can.”
“How?” I demand, pulling back to gaze up at him.
His eyes land on mine and in them, I see my own feelings reflected back at me. Hurt. Anger. Pain. It sinks vicious claws into me.
“I see the hurt inside of you and it reminds me of my own. I can’t walk away from that.”
I suck in a breath and close my eyes.
“I’m tired of hurting.”
Gabriel wraps his hands around my nape and presses me against his chest. The heavy drum of his heart beats against my ear and I fist my hands in his shirt, but I don’t push him away.
“Me, too, baby. Me, too.”
His words from before come back to me. About his brother. How he killed himself. How it tore his family apart. He’s broken, too. Did anyone try to fix him the way he’s trying to fix me? Is that why he’s here? Because he wishes someone tried to put him back together?
My shoulders shake and I sniff as I struggle to bottle up my feelings. “Why do you care so much?” I whisper the words, almost afraid of his answer.
He’s quiet for so long I wonder if he heard me, until he squeezes me tighter and says, “Maybe we can be broken together? It might make the pain hurt a little less.”
I chew on my bottom lip, thinking for a moment before I nod against his chest. “Okay.”
“Okay.”