Chapter 29
CECILIA
The day drags on at a snail’s pace. Sitting through my first class of the week with Gabriel is uncomfortable, to say the least. There’s this heavy tension hanging between us, and despite the weeks that have passed, it never seems to abate.
He still sits beside me, just like before—when he bothers to show up to class at least. And I know the classes he’s missed lately are because of me. But even when he’s here, he doesn’t look at me. Doesn’t flash me that crooked smile of his. He doesn’t try to pull me into conversation.
I used to hate that. Hated that he wanted to be friends. That he tried to pull me out of my shell. But this … this is so much worse.
It’s a painful, suffocating silence.
The weight of unspoken words fill the space where casual banter used to flow, and by the time the bell rings signaling the end of class, I’m desperate for a reprieve from it.
Only there isn’t one. Gabriel and I have two classes together today, and I get the feeling that the next one will be even worse. I don’t know how to fix this. And if I’m honest, I’m not entirely sure I want to.
He isn’t supposed to be my friend. He isn’t supposed to be my anything.
Mom used to say, time heals all wounds.
Time hasn’t helped me recover from what Austin did to me, but maybe with enough time, I can heal from this. From losing Gabriel.
The semester will end soon enough and with us no longer seeing each other, there’s no reason for him to be in any more of my classes. He won’t need to insert himself into my life. He won’t drag me to his practices or drop in at my parents’ house unannounced.
We won’t cross paths every day. There’s a good chance we can go an entire semester without even seeing one another.
Maybe then it will hurt less. That’s all I can hope for these days.
After I gather my things, Gabriel walks beside me in silence, keeping pace with my shorter steps. I don’t know why. He isn’t talking to me, so why walk with me to class when he can easily outpace me?
But this has become a routine of sorts.
He shadows me but doesn’t talk to me. He sits by me but never looks at me.
It’s infuriating. Meanwhile, I can’t help but steal glances at the hard line of his jaw, the furrow between his dark brows.
What is he thinking?
Is he angry? He looks it. But whether his anger is directed at me or someone else, I don’t know. He might still be pissed about Austin. Though that was an hour ago. Maybe someone or something else is on his mind right now?
We’ve drifted apart in such a short span of time that I don’t know how to read him anymore.
But I miss him. And I hate that I miss him because I have no right to. Not when I’m the one who pushed him away.
Part of me wishes I could slip my hand into his like I used to, and have things go back to the way they were before I opened my mouth and ruined everything.
But I can’t. Life doesn’t work that way. And it wouldn’t be fair to him.
I told myself I wouldn’t be selfish. Not when it comes to him.
We walk into our next class, and just like before, Gabriel claims the seat beside me. Our second class goes by much like the first, our professor droning on about this week’s lecture. I’m barely paying attention, too caught up in watching Gabriel from the corner of my eye.
He looks as miserable as I feel. Is he sleeping okay? Are those dark circles or just shadows under his eyes?
Is this what it’ll be like from now on? Gabriel spoke to me earlier in the hall when he defended me against Austin. A part of me thought it would continue. That this strange silent treatment thing going on between us would finally come to an end.
At least, I hoped it would.
Gabriel takes methodical notes beside me, his attention locked on the front of the room.
It’s like I don’t even exist.
Of my three classes, two of them are with him, and while I can’t stand this weird limbo we’re stuck in, I still dread when class comes to an end.
Gabriel will go off to soccer practice, and I’ll drag myself back home, where I know I’ll overthink and second-guess my decision to break things off between us for the hundredth time.
I need a distraction. Some way to quiet my racing thoughts before I completely lose it. A swim, or maybe a run? It’s days like this when I’m reminded of the fact I no longer have friends.
Joelle and Kim dropped me as soon as Austin drew battle lines in the sand. They were shitty friends. But they were the only ones I had and an irrational part of me misses them. Misses having someone to call and confide in.
The bell rings, jolting me from my thoughts. Our professor announces what chapters we’ll need to have read by tomorrow, and everyone begins shuffling their things into their backpacks, eager for freedom.
I shove my own books haphazardly into my bag, refusing to let my eyes drift back to Gabriel. I can’t stomach seeing that closed-off look of his aimed my way. Maybe I should make an appointment with my counselor. See if I can make some changes to my schedule before the semester ends.
I might have to take a zero since the withdrawal date has already passed, but it might be worth it. It’s not like I’m in a rush to graduate or anything.
My phone chimes, and I look down at the screen, seeing the email alert from another of my professors.
Dear Students,
Class is canceled today and tomorrow due to an unforeseen personal matter. Please read up on last week’s assignments. We will have a quiz on Wednesday on the materials we’ve been covering. It is weighted at 15% of your final grade. I encourage you to study in an effort to be prepared.
Regards, Professor Bowman.
My shoulders slump. Great.
Gabriel hovers beside me, his movements slow as though he’s waiting for me. I try not to read into it. He’s always walked me to my last class of the day when he’s here, regardless of how tense things are between us, but it’s canceled today.
Do I tell him?
No.
It’s presumptuous to assume he’ll want to walk me to class today, isn’t it?
It is.
I’ll just head to my Jeep and see what he does. Maybe he’ll go the opposite direction as soon as we exit the classroom.
I don’t know. And I hate not knowing.
We exit the building side by side, silence stretching between us. He’s still following me, but we’re not going in the direction of my class, and he hasn’t asked me why. He also hasn’t moved to head for the locker rooms, which are on the opposite end of our campus.
He just wordlessly walks beside me.
I want to bridge this gaping chasm between us, but I don’t know how.
Or if he even wants me to try.
Lost in my thoughts, I don’t see Felix bounding up to us, or the guy trailing close behind him. But I do notice when Gabriel stiffens beside me, coming to a stop. My footsteps falter beside him.
“Cecilia!” Felix greets me with a grin. “Long time no see. Have you met our new roomie?”
He tugs Deacon forward, and on instinct, I take a reflexive step back.
Gabriel all but growls beside me as he quickly tucks me behind his back.
“Shit, my bad.” Felix offers me a chagrined grin. “I forgot about …” He shrugs. “You know.”
My aversion to strange men? Nearly all men, really.
There are very few exceptions. Gabriel being one of them.
I’ve gotten used to Julio and Felix, but only enough to be near them.
Not to hug them or be any sort of touchy-feely with them.
In a strictly platonic way, obviously. But you know what I mean.
We’ve been friendly. But I don’t know. I guess I really only count Gabriel as a friend.
Before, I mean. We’re not friends now. We’re not … anything.
I swallow down the lump in my throat, reminding myself that it’s fine. I’m fine. Felix is safe. And if this guy lives with Gabriel, I’ll assume they’re friends, which means he’s probably an alright guy.
Taking a deep breath, I force myself to take one cautious step forward, enough for me to see the new guy while still keeping myself shielded by Gabriel’s back.
“No worries,” I force out a smile, tamping down my anxiety.
“New roommate?” I ask, my gaze flicking from Felix to Gabriel and then to the other guy.
I take in his visible ink, both forearms decorated with intricate designs.
He has light brown, almost hazel eyes framed with dark brows. Medium brown skin. Full lips.
There’s a cross tattoo on the left side of his neck. A scroll design filled with script on the right. He’s attractive, I guess. If you’re into the whole athletically built, tattooed god sort of thing. But he’s also … imposing. A formidable player.
Is he on the soccer team? I don’t remember seeing him on the field when I used to go to Gabriel’s practices. And he’s not the sort of guy you’d easily miss.
Gabriel likes to keep his circle tight.
I wonder how they know each other. And why I’ve never seen him around before.
“Yeah. Hey. I’m Deacon.” The new guy shoots me a cocky smile, soft brown eyes scanning my face with interest. “Cecilia, right? Pretty name for a pretty girl.”
Heat climbs up my neck, and not in a good way.
I don’t want him to notice me. To look at me like that.
Like he finds me attractive. My breathing shutters, and Gabriel shifts abruptly, blocking me from Deacon’s view.
He glances over his shoulder once, looking down at me with concern flashing across his handsome face before turning back to the guys.
“You two should get to the field.” His voice is hard. Cold. “Practice is going to be grueling today.”
Felix’s smile falters.
Silent communication passes between him and Gabriel before he nods, subtly drawing Deacon away. “Right. So, uh we’ll see you out there. Later, Cecilia.”
“Bye.” I mutter, giving him a half-hearted wave.
I’m not sure he hears me.
As soon as they’re gone from view, Gabriel turns halfway back towards me, then pauses, some of the tension seeming to drain from his broad shoulders.
He sucks on his teeth for a moment.
“You good?” His tone softens a fraction. This is Gabriel trying.
My chest squeezes and I nod. “Yeah. I’m good.”
He nods his head, and the silence stretches between us again.
“Did you forget something in your car?”
My eyes snap up to his. “What?” The question slips out on autopilot before I put two and two together and correct my response. “Oh, no.”
He tilts his head toward the doors. “You were heading to the parking lot …” he trails off.
“My last class is canceled.” I shrug. “Guess I’m all done for the day.”
He dips his chin once before tilting his face up to the ceiling, almost like he’s searching for the right words to say. Seconds tick past before he huffs out a sigh and god, I didn’t know there could be so many words unsaid in a sound.
“I don’t know where we go from here.” There’s defeat in his voice.
Neither do I, I want to tell him. But I don’t know if that’s the right thing to say or if I should say anything at all, so I stay quiet and wait for him to decide what to do.
How we should move forward. I took Gabriel’s choices away when I broke things off.
This—allowing him to decide how we move forward—it’s the least I can do.
“Do you want to come watch our practice?” Before I can respond, he adds, “I know the guys would like to see you. Julio asked about you this morning.”
Oh. I find that hard to believe, and I don’t really need the pity invite. He shouldn’t have to see me at practice if he doesn’t want to.
“No. That’s okay. I … uh …” Julio is great. All the guys are. But they’re not my friends, no matter how welcoming they’ve been to me. They’re Gabriel’s friends. His best friends.
And I’m the girl who broke their friend’s heart.
I doubt any of them really want to be around me, though I appreciate that Felix was kind just now and said hello.
“You have other plans?” He knows I don’t. I never do. I go to school. I go home. I hit the campus pool if I need a swim.
Rinse and repeat.
“Yeah.” The lie rolls off my tongue. “I’ll uh, see you around.”