Chapter 1 Neil #5
“You’ve always been interested in Neil, haven’t you?
” Logan murmured, sounding disillusioned.
She said nothing in response. “That’s why you were always asking me if he was at home or how things were going with him and Selene.
” He shook his head like all the clues were finally coming together for him.
“That’s why I caught you staring at him all the time.
That’s why you had such a hate-on for him and said you couldn’t stand him.
” He smiled thinly and gave her a sneering look.
“Because my brother always just ignored you. Because he was never attracted to you. And you wanted him to be.” He rubbed his face, chewing his lip as he came to that awful conclusion.
Logan’s guesses troubled me as well—I didn’t want to think about how much he must have been hurting just then.
“I didn’t see it until it was too goddamn late,” he whispered, overwrought.
“Logan, I…” Alyssa tried to speak, but my brother lifted a hand immediately to silence her.
“Get out!” He pointed at the door in a way that brooked no arguments. Logan didn’t even want to listen to her try to explain. After all, he knew why she kissed me, didn’t he? She wanted me.
The girl had been concealing a little crush on me all this time.
I still couldn’t really believe it.
It made total sense that Logan no longer had any trust in her. He was a good man but definitely not a stupid one.
There was nothing for Alyssa to do but obey him. She turned and headed for the door, not having the guts to look either of us in the eye.
And then we were alone. The silence that fell over the kitchen made me feel awkward.
I was so torn up that I didn’t even know how to face my brother.
I glanced at him, trying to get a bead on how he was doing.
He was undoubtedly devastated, but I wanted to say something to him to make sure that things were still going to be okay between the two of us.
I started to open my mouth, but he just shook his head, still looking shell-shocked, and walked out into the backyard without giving me so much as another glance.
I felt like a piece of shit.
After all, I had briefly returned the kiss, albeit unintentionally. My body reacted automatically to contact with Alyssa because she was a woman. Though my brain had no intention of kissing her, my lips had opened to admit her, if only for a few moments.
Shit.
I wanted to go after Logan, to beg him to forgive me and to please not hate me, but I forced myself to let him have some time alone.
He needed to cool down—God only knew what I would have done in his position.
I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers and squeezed my eyes shut.
I couldn’t do anything right.
It seemed like women were my worst nightmare, and, at the same time, I couldn’t survive without them.
Not for the first time, I put the blame on the way I looked.
Kimberly had been right all along: Women thought they loved me because I was physically attractive and made them think lewd thoughts.
The fact that it had been Logan’s girlfriend who had fallen for the deadly honey trap this time made me feel wracked with guilt.
Half an hour later, we sat down to dinner, and I didn’t touch my meal. I spent the whole time staring at my brother, who was seated across from me.
He couldn’t even bring himself to look at me.
I kept trying to catch Logan’s eyes because the blank indifference he showed me was worse than any “fuck you,” but he just kept ignoring me.
Then, I shifted my attention to Matt, who was eating his chicken, and watched Chloe nibble at a piece of bread, lost in her own thoughts.
The only sounds in the room were the clink of cutlery and Anna’s soft footsteps as she moved around the dining room, making sure that nothing was missing from the table.
The tension between my brother and me was so biting it was almost tangible.
“Okay, that’s enough. What’s going on, kids?
” my mother broke the silence with a vexed tone and stopped eating.
I leaned back in my chair then and gave her a flat stare, drumming my fingers on my plate.
“Logan?” Obviously, she’d decided not to waste time trying to pry anything out of me, knowing how seldom I talked, and started with my brother instead.
“Nothing, Mom. It’s fine,” Logan answered with a sigh of irritation.
“Is it? I’m your mother. I know when something is wrong,” she answered, dabbing her mouth with a napkin. I managed to keep from laughing aloud and instead just cleared my throat sarcastically to get her attention. Her eyes moved to me, and she frowned.
“And what are you scoffing at, then?” she asked me sternly.
“Do you really consider yourself the kind of mother who is good at knowing when something’s wrong with her kids?” I asked sardonically. “I don’t, but, you know, we can pretend for tonight.” I waved a hand through the air like I was shooing away a gnat.
I stared at her, daring her to argue with me, and, fortunately for her, she decided to pretend I hadn’t spoken.
“As I was saying, Logan…” She turned back to my brother.
“What’s up? Also, where did Alyssa go? Wasn’t she going to have dinner with us?
” she continued, glancing at the empty chair where Alyssa often sat.
A tic in Logan’s jaw demonstrated his discomfort, and a new surge of guilt hit me, crushing my chest like a boulder.
“Apparently she wanted to fuck someone else,” he answered decisively. He shrugged, and suddenly everyone, even Matt, turned their attention to him.
“What?” Matt asked.
“For real?” Chloe cut in, and I went rigid, staring down at the fork abandoned on my plate.
“Yeah. She cheated on me just like Amber did,” Logan said sharply, referring to his ex-girlfriend.
Before Alyssa, she was the most serious relationship he’d had.
I didn’t know what to say or what to do.
I didn’t even have the balls to tell the rest of the family that I was the other man involved.
Instead, I just silently reflected upon everything that had happened recently.
Everything was going tits up: Matt hated me ever since he found out I was sleeping with his daughter.
Chloe almost died because of me, because Player was using the people around me to get revenge on me.
And now I’d let my brother down as well.
I was the sole reason that each one of them was suffering.
I was the one who was always causing pain and frustration, fear, and worry.
I was the cause of everything.
“I’m going to leave after graduation,” I blurted out, still staring at an indeterminate spot in the middle of the table.
I figured I had all eyes on me by that point because I’d said something so unexpected and caught them all off guard.
But there was nothing else to do at that point.
Walking away was the best choice for everyone.
I could keep my family out of the shitshow that was my life and protect them from whoever wanted to kill me.
“What are you talking about, Neil?” my mother asked, and I almost laughed at her crestfallen tone. I chewed my lower lip anxiously and looked up at her so she could see that I was serious.
“My architecture professor put me forward for this internship in Chicago. It’s for the most deserving students in his class, and apparently I’m one of them.
I hadn’t decided whether to accept it or not, but I think I’m going to go.
The distance will be good for all of us,” I told her, affirming for myself that it was the right call.
Shit, the thought of spending that much time with Megan made me wince, though.
But that would have to be a problem for another time.
I could find out something to keep her away from me.
Besides, graduation was still a few months off, so there was no point in getting myself tied up in knots about the situation right away.
“You didn’t tell me anything about that,” my mother answered, sounding confused.
“I haven’t told you anything about me or my life for years now.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise.” I got up, unwilling to keep sitting with them and enduring this unpleasant atmosphere that only made me sick to my stomach.
Then I walked out of the room without waiting for her reply.
I had no interest in stumbling through some faux-maternal conversation with her.
I knew that, inside, they were all celebrating my decision. I felt like a stranger in my house, someone who was only ever a complication in the lives of others. Unsurprisingly, everyone was looking at me like it was an inquisition, like they were ready to judge and condemn me.
I went out to the backyard and, ignoring the cold, sat down on a lounge chair. I gazed into the pool and took note of how my breath condensed in the freezing air.
I felt like I’d been drained of all emotion.
I had a void inside me, and I knew that empty place would never be filled.
I turned my face up to the sky, a mantle of black serving as a backdrop for the full moon, high and bright.
I wondered what Babygirl was doing just then.
Was she wearing those horrible pajamas or those boner-killing fluffy slippers?
It was only then that it occurred to me that my decision to leave would actually take me closer to Detroit.
I smiled bitterly at myself.
There was no future for us, just like I’d thought.
Our paths were fated to diverge. Selene still needed to finish undergrad and achieve all her dreams. Plus, there was no way she was going to leave her mother and move to God knows where with a man who didn’t love her and was incapable of giving her anything like security.
Disheartened, I gave up on trying to find something positive about my life and recognized that it was nothing but negative.
All fucking negative.
I didn’t have anything to hope for; even the idea of leaving for Chicago didn’t engender much enthusiasm.
I shook my head and scrubbed a hand over my face, feeling inundated with thoughts.
Then, my phone rang, and I was roused from my funk. I fished it out of my jeans pocket and, after a brief glance at the screen, answered it.
“What do you want?” I snapped at Megan, my back already up.
That girl had the uncanny ability to show up at the most inopportune moments just to bust my balls.
“What is this about Logan kicking Alyssa out of the house after you kissed her?” she asked me angrily. She’d even raised her voice like she was going to intimidate me somehow.
“Tell your bitch sister to quit lying to you. She’s the one who kissed me,” I said truculently, not caring in the least if I sounded aggressive. The girl had blatantly lied about me.
“What?” she murmured, sounding unconvinced.
“Yeah, you heard me right. Be pissed at her, not at me.” I sighed as I considered, yet again, how ridiculous all of this was. And the irreparable consequences were all falling on me.
“My sister wouldn’t do something like that,” Megan insisted, sounding surprised.
“Yet, she did. But you know what? I don’t give a flying fuck what you believe. I don’t need to keep wasting my breath on you, Head Case.” I leaped to my feet and felt rage spreading throughout my body.
“Try to relax, Miller,” she answered flippantly.
“Relax? Because of her, I don’t know if my brother is ever going to look me in the eye again!
” Terror clenched my chest tight at the idea of Logan hating me.
I couldn’t get a breath, though I inhaled deeply and squeezed my eyes shut.
I had to get myself under control, or I was going to break something.
“Your brother loves you. And, if what you’re saying is true, I don’t get why Alyssa would do something like that.
That’s not her.” Megan tried to defend her sister, though she sounded as shocked as I had been.
I had many flaws. I was far from perfect, but I wasn’t a liar, and Head Case knew that about me.
“Were you able to straighten things out with Logan?” she added almost immediately, and a sneering laugh burbled up from deep in my throat.
“That’s none of your business. You and your sister just need to stay the hell away from us,” I said menacingly, only getting angrier. I had started to think that the Wayne sisters might be bad luck for us.
“Mmm… That might be a difficult request to accommodate, Miller. Did you think some more about the Chicago internship? If you take it, you’ll be putting up with a lot of me.” I listened to her laugh and rubbed my forehead uncomfortably.
“I’ll figure out some method for keeping you away from me, rest assured,” I retorted firmly. In reality, I had no idea how I was going to keep our paths from crossing.
“Wait, wait—does that mean you’ve accepted the internship?” she asked, and I sighed impatiently.
“What’s it to you?” I dodged her question. I hadn’t emailed Professor Robinson yet; I still had time to rethink my decision and maybe change my mind…
“I need to know so I’m prepared to bow to the king of the assholes when I see him in person,” she teased me in her most irritating voice, but I remained as unmoved as ever.
“Listen, Head Case, I gotta go now. Try to never call me again, okay?” I said, scowling. “In fact, lose my number. Pretend you never knew it.” There, now I had made myself perfectly clear, and my authoritative tone would surely have the desired effect.
“Is that an order?” she asked with a sneer in her voice, and I wanted nothing more than to slap her.
“Exactly. It’s an order, and you need to listen to me!” I said, raising my voice. Why couldn’t she understand that she had to just leave me in peace? Why did she insist on pushing me over the edge?
“I don’t enjoy an overbearing man. I believe I’ve already told you that,” she continued.
“Fuck off. I’m not wasting any more time on this shit.” And then I hung up before she could answer, an expression of self-satisfaction on my face.
I smiled a sly, victorious smile. If Megan thought she was going to fuck with me, she was grossly mistaken.
I’d known for a while that she got off on getting a rise out of me, so I played along.
Her arrogance bothered me, and her pushiness was even worse.
I played the part of the thin-skinned guy to make her feel like she had some power over me.
Oh…they were my favorite kind of adversaries.
Soon enough Head Case was going to realize that’s exactly what she was to me: an adversary. And that there was only going to be one outcome with an opponent like me…
A crushing defeat.