Chapter 9 Selene
“Even though he was a train wreck of a man,
as grim as the abyss and as unpredictable as a storm at sea,
I loved the bitter, savage, indomitable creature that lived within him.”
Selene
We’d been back at the penthouse apartment for about five minutes.
We hadn’t even tried to talk in the car; I was too uncomfortable and disappointed, and Neil just didn’t like to talk unless he had to.
I watched attentively as he peered into the refrigerator, searching for something to eat.
The doorless arch between the two rooms gave me a view right into the kitchen and allowed me to watch his every movement.
He’d already taken off his leather jacket and tossed it onto the couch a few moments before while I stood in the living room still wearing my own coat.
I was furious about what Jennifer had told me and by the way Neil himself had behaved, but he seemed to be much more interested in getting a snack.
Must be nice; my stomach was closed up tight.
“You hungry?” he asked, pulling out a bottle of water and setting it down on the kitchen counter.
“No,” I answered tartly, letting him know I wanted his undivided attention.
But Neil still seemed uninterested. He grabbed a glass and poured himself some water, which he then sipped in an attitude of total calm.
I watched his Adam’s apple bob, his arm flexing, and his biceps contracting as he drank.
I couldn’t tell if the white sweater he wore was too tight on him or if he’d just been working out extra hard.
I thought about how often I’d dismissed guys in the past for being too muscular or too polished. Neil didn’t take it to excess, though.
His powerful physique was in good proportion with his height, his broad shoulders making him imposing from all angles.
Once again, I felt love constricting my heart as I admired him in a daze. He noticed, putting the glass down on the counter and giving me a smug look.
I was probably just standing there slack-jawed. Damn it!
“You shouldn’t have let Jennifer sit on your lap!
” I blurted out. I just couldn’t keep holding back the jealousy I’d been fighting for so long.
“And you shouldn’t have had sex with her and Alexia, my God!
” I passed a hand through my hair while Neil just furrowed his brow and looked at me in confusion.
I usually tried to hide my anger and control the possessiveness I felt over him, but after everything we had been through, after he’d shared parts of his past and finally told me about Kimberly, I deserved a little more consideration from him.
“How can you stand to touch other people the same way you touch me? How?” I lashed out at him, stabbing a finger in his direction.
I felt like I was burning up, and the fabric of my coat suddenly seemed too tight for my body.
I felt like slapping Neil in the face and getting out of this penthouse.
From the way he was watching me, I knew he could see all the despair I was feeling in my eyes.
He was capable of reflection; he knew perfectly well why that despair was there.
He sighed and rested his hands on the kitchen island, rounding his shoulders slightly.
It was going to be difficult for me to calm down, and he knew that.
He could not continue to diminish what there was between us.
Whatever the true nature of it was, it was clear to both of us that some sort of bond connected us, so he needed to give me a valid reason why he’d done the things he’d done.
“It’s hard to explain,” he answered, his tone flat.
“Try,” I prompted him, trying to catch my breath after my outburst.
“I don’t just have sex with anyone,” he began, trying to clarify the issue for me. “I need to have sex with women who remind me of her…” He looked down at the counter to avoid looking me in the eye.
“Her?” I asked, confused.
“Kimberley. She was blond, shameless, bold, and… I always pick women who look like her…” His jaw clenched uncomfortably.
It obviously wasn’t easy for him to tell me this, but I needed to know all of it if I was going to understand him and the sides of himself that he’d kept hidden from the very beginning.
“Why? You should be trying to forget her, not forcing yourself to remember. It doesn’t make sense,” I said, trying to make my voice less accusatory and more nonconfrontational so he might feel a little more comfortable.
If he retreated into his shell again, he’d stop talking to me entirely.
“It makes sense to me,” he answered, raising his eyes to my face.
He stared bitterly at me, probably because he thought I was about to judge him.
I knew how he couldn’t stand that. “I need to reverse the roles, to squash that feeling of emptiness that presses down on me every day. I need to show myself that no one’s ever going to be able to bend me to their will ever again.
The violence I experienced wasn’t just physical; it was psychological too.
My dignity was ground down, my soul was violated, and my childhood was stolen from me, and I can never get it back.
Kimberly is the monster that lives inside my head, and I’ll never get rid of her,” he said in a soft, resigned voice, allowing his head to hang down.
With each word, my heart bled for him. I didn’t know what to say. All I wanted to do was go to him and wrap my arms around him to show him that I’d always be with him. I stayed right where I was, though, so he couldn’t push me away.
He didn’t like to be touched, especially when he was feeling emotionally exposed.
“Can I ask you a question?” I said, breaking the silence. There was something I’d been wondering about for a long time, and perhaps, finally, this was the moment to ask.
“Ask it,” he said seriously. He rounded the kitchen island to get closer. My heart began to beat wildly against my chest; his sensuality beguiled me, and my knees went weak. He stopped right in front of me, waiting for my response.
“With me…” I cleared my throat, trying to banish my embarrassment. “Did you ever think about Kim…when we were…” I trailed off; it was obvious what I was talking about.
He furrowed his brow, and I hoped I hadn’t been too invasive or indelicate. With Neil, I never knew when I might be hitting a sore spot or how to address it with him. His mood shifted so easily and shut down our conversations.
He watched me attentively in that moment. I should have been ashamed of myself for how weak he made me with just a look, but I couldn’t resist him. Just like I couldn’t truly get angry at him, hate him, or try to hurt him.
He was becoming everything to me.
“No. Not with you,” he answered, after a few moments of reflection. “That never happened.”
I heaved a sigh of relief and looked down, flushing. He could have told me something else, if only to hurt me, but he’d given me the truth. I knew in my heart he wasn’t lying to me.
“This is going to sound nuts, but…” he went on, rubbing the slightly scruffy jaw that made him look so savagely appealing.
“My brain is very complicated, especially after everything that happened to me. To understand what I mean, picture a line going up and down…” He raised a hand, tracing an imaginary line in the air in front of me.
“On this line is making out, sex, carnal contact of any kind, pleasurable things, obscene things, everything that was done to me and what I like to do…” he told me coolly, staring intently at me to make sure I was following what he was saying.
“And, for me, that is normalcy,” he told me nonchalantly.
“Then there’s this straight line.” He drew another imaginary line through the air.
“On this one, we have sweet kisses, gentle touches, compliments, attention, relationships, and love. All the regular stuff. The actually normal stuff. The stuff that, for me, doesn’t exist,” he explained, lowering his arm.
My eyes stayed fixed on the empty space where he had sketched those two lines.
I furrowed my brow. “I don’t understand, Neil. What is my role in all of this?” I asked softly as he looked at me, his eyes hooded in a pensive expression.
“You make my waving line less miserable.” He drew closer to me, and I held my breath as he caressed my cheek.
His touch was gentle, completely unlike the passionate, hard-driving touches he usually gave me.
“When I’m with you, for a little while at least, Kim isn’t in my head.
You’re a pleasurable distraction, Babygirl, like a pill that dulls the pain for a little while.
But she’s still there; she lives inside me.
I can’t pretend that I’ve gotten over what she did to me.
I’m still just a pile of broken shards…” He smiled so sadly, and I wanted to cry.
“My line is going to stay wavy; it’s never going to straighten out…
you understand that, right? I might have the…
wrong perspective on life, but I’ve had it since I was little.
It’s a part of me now…” His eyes bored into mine, waiting for me to say something—anything.
“So being with me is a need you have? I’m sorry.
I’m not trying to insult you. I just want to understand…
” I was being cautious, lest our conversation turn into an argument.
Neil continued to stroke my cheek, his knuckles moving delicately over my skin, and I wanted to feel his warm touch on me forever.