Chapter 9 Selene #2
“Yes. It’s a distraction, a way to block out the memories and stifle the pain.
You allow me to have a moment of relief; you let me soar to your Neverland, but that’s not enough to cure me.
The reality is something else, and we can’t do anything to change it,” he concluded, breaking off contact with me.
“That’s why I can’t give you a relationship.
I know I’ve got too many problems in here…
” he tapped his index finger against his temple.
“How can I care for someone else when I can’t even take care of myself?
” He turned away from me, shaking his head.
I was overwhelmed by emotion. Speechless, perhaps because there was nothing to say in the wake of a powerful confession like that.
Neil pulled his pack of Winstons out of his discarded jacket and grabbed a cigarette.
I just kept staring at him as he stood there by the coffee table, watching as he tried to control the tremor in his right hand that was keeping him from holding the lighter steadily against the end of the cigarette.
I’d noticed his hand shaking before, but I’d never dared to ask him about it.
I knew, deep down, that I was seeing the worst of him.
The disappointed part.
The worn-down part.
The part that everyone avoided.
The part that everyone feared.
The worst of him.
I was learning to love the worst of him.
Just like I would love the best of him.
I could wait for his sweetness.
I could wait for his sadness to fade.
I could wait for the sun to rise inside of him.
Everyone would see his worth, and I’d be right there beside him.
And maybe…one day…he might fall in love with me.
But, until then, I would fight. For me and for him.
I would love him in silence.
“What are you thinking about?” Neil asked, and I jumped. I hadn’t realized he’d gotten so close to me again. His lit cigarette hung from his lips as he watched me with a frown. There was no way I could tell him what was actually going on in my head.
Silent love was all that I could give him until he was capable of accepting what I felt for him. Though I still thought it was crazy that he could be content without giving or receiving feelings.
“Just that I’m glad you talked to me. When I asked if I could be with you, that was exactly what I meant: I want you to communicate with me, tell me more about yourself, and put a little more of your trust in me.
Thank you for doing that.” I gave him a small, shaky smile.
His eyes slipped down to my lips, and my reaction was immediate.
I went red all over again. His fresh scent mingled with the dissipating smoke in the air warmed me all over. I could never really be in control of myself when I was close to him because my very soul was caught in his stare. “I think I’d better get changed and go to bed now,” I added quickly.
In reality, I wanted nothing more than for him to follow me to my room and make love to me, but I couldn’t allow myself to give in to him after what happened with Jennifer.
He had to learn that he couldn’t have me whenever he wanted and that I deserved to be shown some respect.
“Get undressed right here, in front of me,” he ordered, making me shiver.
“I know you’re wearing different underwear than usual.
Show them to me.” He looked at me, his face full of expectation, and then leaned back on the kitchen island, waiting for me to obey him.
How did he guess about the lingerie? Maybe he could tell because my dress was so tight?
“I’ll undress, but you can’t touch me,” I said clearly, though the need to feel his hands on me was nearly overwhelming.
Neil looked annoyed at my peremptory tone, but I didn’t care. I had my own dignity to defend, and I was going to do so, starting right now.
Did he really want me?
Then he’d have to give up all the rest of them.
“Okay,” he agreed, stubbing out the cigarette in a nearby ashtray.
He blew out the last of the smoke through his nose and folded his arms over his chest, adopting a casual stance.
Obviously, he was ready to enjoy the show.
I felt a little awkward because Neil knew so much about dazzling a woman, but I tried to get a hold on my feelings of inadequacy.
I had learned what he liked and how to make him feel good.
First, I slipped off my coat and tossed it on the sofa.
Then I bent one arm behind my back and unzipped the dress.
Then I slowly let the sleeves fall, allowing the garment to slip down over my hips and legs until it was just a puddle of fabric around my ankles.
Neil narrowed his eyes and looked me up and down, lingering over my breasts, squeezed into white lace.
The deep breath that made his chest swell told me that my body was having the same effect on him that his muscles had on me, and I was pleased.
I lifted first one leg and then the other to step out of the dress, balancing on my high heels, sexy lingerie, and thigh-highs in full view just like he’d wanted.
As long as I wasn’t completely naked, I could hold on to some self-confidence.
Neil rubbed his lower lip with his index finger while his other hand clutched his bicep.
What was he thinking? Did he like it? Or no?
Then, he focused in on some of the visible bruises on my skin, and his forehead wrinkled, giving him a more glowering expression. I had the vague suspicion that he was chastising himself for putting those bruises there.
Then, he rose and moved toward me.
Everything about him—his catlike stride, his magnetic stare, and his lips tipped up into an alluring smile—made me think he was about to do or say something that was going to embarrass me.
My knees went weak as he cut the distance between us.
When he stopped right in front of me, I stopped breathing.
Even with the heels, I wasn’t at eye level with him, so I still had to tilt my head back to look him in the face.
Neil looked me over from head to toe and let out a groan.
“White lingerie…” he murmured. “I like it,” he added.
A compliment; I could hardly believe it.
“Wow, I feel honored,” I joked, trying to deflate some of the erotic tension that had arisen between us, but he ignored me, concentrating instead on my body.
Abruptly, he raised his hand, and with one index finger he traced the contour of my cheek. My breath caught at the motion.
He had broken his promise, but I wasn’t mad about it.
Neil drew a trail down my throat, moving into the space between my breasts, and slowly descended to my abdomen, stopping just below the waistband of my panties. I tightened my abdominal muscles slightly at the seductive brush of his hand and shivered when he circled my navel with a finger.
“I know all your erogenous zones, Babygirl. Every time I’ve fucked you, I’ve paid close attention to what you like…
” He drew his index finger back up to the place between my breasts and, this time, ventured further out to circle my nipple, which stiffened against the white fabric.
Neil was good with his hands; he knew how to seduce a woman and make her want him.
I had to hold myself back from begging him to continue touching me.
He leaned in close to my ear and breathed in my scent. “And how you like it…,” he whispered, dragging his hand away from my breast.
He stared deep into my eyes, his blown pupils betraying the arousal that coursed through him, the same kind he had kindled in me.
The urge to fall upon each other was palpable as we stood there trading breaths. We just stared at each other’s lips, tempted to kiss.
“Now I get to see another side of you, Tinkerbell,” he told me with an insolent smile. “My favorite side,” he went on wickedly, and finally it dawned on me what he was talking about.
It would be embarrassing to turn around to leave now, and Neil had realized that because he stepped around until he stood behind me. I couldn’t see him looking, but I could feel his eyes burning a hole into my back and further down. He let out a small, guttural noise of satisfaction, and I blushed.
Fortunately, he wasn’t in a position to see it.
“Your ass, Babygirl…” His voice deepened my arousal. “Is absolutely my weakness,” he noted with approval before moving back to face me, scrutinizing me with those golden eyes as though he were a god prepared to judge some poor human subject.
“If you like it so much, I don’t see why you go looking for other people’s,” I taunted him with a self-assurance that surprised me. He raised one eyebrow, and then he laughed cheerfully.
What was so funny about what I said?
“You’ve just made me a dangerous proposition…
” He bit his lip and moved closer to me until he could actually put his hands on my ass.
He cupped my cheeks and pulled me forward until I was plastered against him.
The warm material of his sweater against my bare skin thrilled me, and I gasped when I felt his erection pressing into my lower abdomen.
“Do you even know what you offered?” he asked me, and I blinked in confusion.
What was he talking about? By now, I had completely lost my train of thought due to his fingers kneading my buttocks.
I was telling him that if he liked my body, he should pick me and not anyone else, and then…
“Oh God, no!” I exclaimed. In a moment of clarity, I realized just what the hell he was thinking.
“No… No, I didn’t mean that… I mean… I…” I descended into total panic.
I put my trembling hands against his pectorals and grabbed hold of his sweater in agitation.
I flushed violently, and all my confidence vanished in the face of the knowledge that Neil was still using my naivete to mess with me.