Chapter 13
For the second time that week, Jace raised his hand when Nina asked for volunteers at the meeting the next morning. “I’ve met someone,” he said, cutting to the chase. “Someone I really like.”
“That’s wonderful, Jace,” Nina said. “But you seem troubled.”
“I’ve been sober more than six years, so it’s not that it’s too soon. It’s more that I worry I’ll somehow mess up her life the way I did my former wife’s, and this woman has already had more than enough crap to deal with.”
“Why do you think you’d mess up her life?” Mason asked.
“Because that’s what happened the only other time I was seriously involved with someone. I created a nightmare for her and left her to raise our two kids alone.”
“You can’t really compare who you were then with who you are now, Jace,” Quinn said. “You were a drug addict then. You’re in recovery now and have been for years.”
“The damage I did to Lisa went far beyond my issues with drugs.”
“Is it possible,” Mallory said, seeming contemplative, “that you haven’t made peace with her yet, and that’s keeping you from being able to fully commit to a new relationship?”
“I can’t make peace with her. She died.”
“Which leaves you with unfinished business with her that might be holding you back from moving forward with someone new,” Nina said.
Jace considered that. “Yeah. I suppose that’s possible.”
“Do you know where she’s buried?” Jeff asked.
His presence at the meeting had given Jace pause about whether he wanted to bring up his new relationship with Cindy. He’d decided he needed their advice badly enough to risk it. “I do. She’s here on the island.”
“Then maybe you go have a talk with her, tell her what’s in your heart where she’s concerned and clear the air with her,” Jeff suggested. “Short of being able to speak to her in person, that might be the next best thing.”
Surprised by the younger man’s insight, Jace said, “I suppose I could try it. I owe her the biggest apology, but if I’m able to do that—even symbolically—that doesn’t mean I won’t screw up with Cindy, too.”
“My sister Cindy?” Jeff asked, eyes big.
Jace nodded.
“Oh, well…” Jeff said. “You do need to be careful there.”
“I know, and it’s why I’m so worried. I like her a lot, and I think she likes me just as much, and now we’re roommates, too, so the stakes are even higher. I can’t mess up with her. I just can’t.”
For the sake of the others, Jeff said, “I’ve mentioned some of what our family went through with my father.”
While Jeff had talked about their father at meetings, Jace had learned most of the details from Cindy.
“Yes, and Cindy has talked to me about it some. She’s sweet and kind and strong, but there’s an underlying fragility to her that she tries to keep hidden,” Jace said, aware of her brother hanging on his every word. “I couldn’t bear to ever hurt her.”
“Then don’t,” Quinn said, blunt as always. “Just don’t. Show up, be there, don’t disappoint her. That’s how you avoid hurting her.”
“You make it sound so simple,” Jace said.
Quinn took his wife’s hand. “It is.” He paused before he continued.
“Look, we’ve all been through some shit, or we wouldn’t be here every day talking it out and trying to stay sober.
We’ve disappointed people we cared about, we’ve fucked up, we’ve done things we’re not proud of.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t do better going forward.
It takes effort every day to be worthy of someone’s love, but it’s effort well worth making. ”
Mallory stared at him with the start of tears in her eyes.
“What?” he asked, seeming slightly annoyed.
“I’ve never heard you say that much at one time.”
“Yes, you have. I said more than that at our wedding.”
“I guess you did, and PS, Dr. James is very good at showing up every day and being present in our relationship. But it wasn’t always that way for either of us. We had to work at it to get to where we are now.”
“If you’re willing to put in the work,” Mason said, “the rewards can be incredible.”
“And he ought to know.” Mallory grinned at him. “He’s happy as a pig in shit with Jordan.”
“Oink,” Mason said, making the others laugh.
“You guys all have your lives so together.”
“So do you, Jace,” Nina said. “You shouldn’t sell yourself short.”
“I’m an ex-con bartender with two kids someone else is raising. I’d hardly consider my life in any way together.”
“Look at where you were six years ago,” Mason said. “Think about how far you’ve already come rather than how far you have to go to get where you want to be.”
“Mason makes a good point,” Nina said. “For what it’s worth, I find that the people who tend to do the best in this program and in a sober life are the ones who have genuine regret for what’s happened in the past and want to do better in the future.
They’re the ones who tend to work the hardest to maintain their sobriety and to chart a better course for the future. I see those qualities in you.”
“I’m glad you do,” Jace said, moved by her words, “but I feel like a work very much in progress.”
“We all are,” Mason said. “When I was first with Jordan, I couldn’t imagine what a woman like her saw in me.
I almost messed it up by having so much self-doubt.
You need to think of yourself as a clean slate, like a dry-erase board wiped clean with a new set of markers that you can use to create a whole new picture. ”
“That’s very profound, Mason,” Nina said.
Mason rolled his eyes. “If you say so.”
“I do say so,” Nina replied. “What do you think of that metaphor, Jace?”
“I like it.”
“To continue Mason’s metaphor,” Mallory said, “you could put the mistakes of the past in a box off to the side, stored in a safe place to remind you not to make them again.”
“You guys are good at this,” Jace said, grinning.
“We’ve all been where you are,” Mallory said. “We understand how hard it is to rebuild, but we’ve found the effort is worthwhile. The rewards can be enormous.”
The others nodded in agreement.
“Thank you for listening to me and for the outstanding advice.”
“We’re here every day, same time and place,” Quinn said, smiling.
“I’m very thankful for that.” Jace was amazed at how much lighter he felt after airing his worries with the group that had become so important to him. When Mallory, Quinn and Mason invited him to join them for coffee again, he was pleased to accept.
After the meeting, Jeff pulled him aside. “I heard what you said, and I respect the effort you’re making, but please… My sister is so special. Please be good to her.”
“I promise you I will. She’s very special to me, too.”
Jeff nodded, seeming satisfied by what Jace had said.
Jace extended his hand to Jeff, who shook it. “Thanks for looking out for her, and maybe don’t tell her I was talking about her at an AA meeting?”
Jeff smiled. “I won’t.”
They parted company in the church parking lot, where Quinn, Mallory and Mason waited for him. When they were seated at Rebecca’s with coffees and muffins in front of them, Jace thanked them again for the insight they’d shared at the meeting.
“You’re doing all the right things,” Quinn said. “That’s what matters—and it’ll matter to Cindy, too.”
“Part of me feels like I should just leave her alone. She’s been through so much. More than I even know about, I’m sure.”
“It’s a lot,” Mason said. “Her dad is a piece of work and got away with his shit for years because he was a high-ranking officer.”
“I hate that for her. For all of them. She deserves a nice, uncomplicated guy who’s an accountant or something.”
Mallory snorted with laughter. “Why does everyone shit on the accountants?”
“You know what I mean. A doctor or a firefighter would be good for her, too.”
“We’re all taken,” Mason said, smiling.
“You’re a hardworking guy,” Mallory said to Jace. “That’s what matters to any woman. Cindy isn’t the type to care that you’re a bartender.”
“Thanks to you, I might also be a plumber.”
“Oh, did Mac call you?”
“He did, and I’m supposed to meet him next week. Thank you so much for the referral.”
“You’re welcome. He’s going to the mainland today for a vasectomy, but don’t let on that I told you that. He’s acting like he’s the first guy to ever get one.”
“Be nice to your brother, babe,” Quinn said. “Anything with the penis is traumatic for our kind.”
“You heard him last night,” Mallory said. “He’s insane.”
“We knew this about him long before last night,” Quinn replied.
“Don’t worry, though,” Mallory added for Jace’s sake. “He’s a great businessman. He’s only insane in his private life.”
“Good to know,” Jace said, amused by their description of Mac.
“I’m glad it might work out for you working for him,” Mallory said. “He’s got big plans to remake the old alpaca farm into a wedding and event venue, our latest family business venture.”
“I’m looking forward to checking it out.”
After they parted company, Jace hit the gym and then went home to shower. He was surprised to find Cindy there. “Not working today?”
“I’m between appointments and came home to grab lunch.”
“How’re you feeling?”
“Much better, but I’m taking it easy today. I’m always wiped out for a few days after a migraine.”
“You couldn’t rearrange your appointments?”
“No, I never do that if I can avoid it. People count on me, and I don’t want to let them down.”
“But if you’re sick…”
“I’ve powered through worse than a few haircuts and some color treatments.”
“Is there anyone who can cover for you if need be?”
“I could call Chloe, but I try to save that for dire circumstances. This was a mild one.”
“Didn’t seem mild to me.”
“Trust me, that was nothing compared to what can happen. It’s been a few years since I had one like that. I’m on better meds these days, and they work most of the time.”
“I hope you never have a really bad one again.”
“Me either. They’re the worst and usually last multiple days during which I literally can barely function. Anyway, enough about me. How’s your day been so far?”
“Great. I probably stink, though. Just came from the gym.”
“I don’t smell anything.”
“Maybe I should get a little closer,” he said with a wicked grin.
Cindy laughed and held up a hand. “I’ll take your word for it. If I wanted to go to the gym sometime, would you show me what to do there? I’m terrible at that stuff.”
“I’d be happy to train you. Any time you want.”
“I’m off on Sundays and Mondays.”
“Either of those days work for me. Just let me know.”
“I tend to talk more about the gym than actually go, so we’ll see if it ever happens. You want a sandwich?”
“Sure, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I’m just going to grab a quick shower. Be right back.”
“I’ll be here. My next appointment is at one thirty.”
They had an hour to spend together. Jace intended to make the most of that.
The unexpected lunch on the patio with Jace was the highlight of Cindy’s day. He smelled so good after his shower that all she wanted to do was breathe him in.
“How about I trade you a haircut for training at the gym?” he asked.
“Sure, we can do that. When do you want to do it?”
“Whenever you have time.”
“I’m off tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow works. Thank you for the sandwich. Not sure what you did to bread, turkey and cheese, but it was the best turkey sandwich I’ve ever had. If cutting hair doesn’t work out for you, you’ve got a career in the sandwich industry.”
“Whatever you say, charmer.”
“Hey, Cindy?”
“Yes, Jace?”
“I heard what you said last night about your dad and all that, and I want you to know… I’m going to do my absolute damnedest to never hurt you. And if I do? I want you to tell me, okay?”
“I, uh… Yeah, I’ll tell you.”
“I hope it’s okay to put that out there.”
“It’s okay.” And refreshing, she thought, but didn’t say.
Over the years, she’d gotten so tired of men and the games they played that she’d begun to avoid dating and everything that went along with it.
It’d been years since she’d had anything resembling a boyfriend.
The girls in the Dallas shop had always tried to fix her up until she’d said no so many times, they’d finally given up on her.
That’d been a relief. “I’d better get back to work. ”
“Will you be in to see me later?”
“I’ll see how I feel when I get home.”
“Hope to see you, but only if you feel up to it.”
“Gotta run. I’ve got my favorite client due in—my grandmother.”
“Enjoy that.”
“Always do.”
Cindy left him with a smile and a wave and headed back to work, feeling energized after spending time with him.
And what he’d said about not hurting her…
He had no way to know what an enormous gift those words had been to her.
There’d been so much hurt in her life that all she wanted now was peace and harmony, even if that meant being alone.
She vastly preferred that to the drama that seemed to accompany relationships.
As she approached the doors to the salon, her grandmother waved from across the street.
Cindy looked both ways before watching Adele cross the street with a spring in her step.
“I parked at the hotel.” She hugged and kissed Cindy. “I hope Owen and Laura don’t have me towed.”
Cindy laughed. “They wouldn’t dare.”
Her grandmother’s calming presence was a balm on Cindy’s soul, as it had been for as long as she could remember.
“I couldn’t wait to get here. This hair of mine is ridiculous.” She ran her fingers through her snow-white hair. “Grandpa said I’m growing a mullet.”
Cindy sputtered with laughter. “It’s not a mullet, yet, but it’s heading in that direction. Not to worry, I’ll fix you right up.”
“Spin your magic, my love, and tell me everything that’s going on.”