Chapter 29
Britain
“Mom! How are you feeling?” Elodie answers the phone, even though I called Caroline. I laugh. Elodie doesn’t self-regulate the same as Caroline, but I love it. It makes her vibrant, and I smile a small smile for the first time in days.
“I’m fine, sweetie. I promise. Just learn from my mistakes, okay? Don’t skip meals, especially if you’re not feeling well. Is Caroline with you, too?”
“Yeah, Mom, I’m here. Um, I’ve been worried about you.”
“You don’t need to be worried, I promise. Uncle Alex is taking great care of me. He told me to tell you guys he said hi.” I’m trying so hard to keep my tone positive and upbeat even though I feel like I’m dying on the inside, but I don’t want the girls to see that.
“I don’t want to go to camp, Mom,” Caroline says, her tone is downcast.
“Why? You love Camp Freedom.”
“I just miss you, and I’d rather be with you.” My heart breaks.
“I miss you both a lot. So much. But I’d have to talk to your dad first if you really didn’t want to go. We’ve already paid for it and made the commitment and I think Dad and Summer were really looking forward to taking you both. I also think they may have a surprise for you after camp, too.”
Elodie pipes up. “Oh, I know! Summer wants to go to Disney World, and I’m all in for that!” She lowers her tone, “But I do miss you too, Mom.”
“I think you girls should go to camp, and have an amazing time with your friends. Then go to Disney World and have an amazing time with Dad and Summer. And then when you guys get home, we’ll have a girls’ summer. We’ll have almost two whole months to do whatever we want. We can go on vacation, we’ll go to the movies, and order pizza. We can do the pool every day. I think you’d regret missing camp, sweetie, and we have so much to look forward to afterwards.”
“Will you still be seeing Liam during girls’ summer?” Shit. It takes nearly everything in me not to break down and start crying.
“Oh, um…” I take a pause and a breath, bracing myself. “I’m not going to be seeing him anymore. We just weren’t a good match after all.” I mute my end of the line as a cry breaks free. How am I ever going to explain to them I’m having his baby? And after all the talks about safe sex we’ve had? They’re going to lose their minds.
Caroline just says, “Oh.” And Elodie chimes in, “You don’t need a man, Mom. You are a strong, independent woman!” I laugh, clearly Jess has rubbed off on her.
I unmute myself. “Absolutely. We are strong, independent women. Can you girls text me some vacation ideas over the next couple of days, and I’ll start working on that, okay? Also, have you both finished packing?”
Caroline, “Yes.” Elodie, “No.” I just laugh. My little polar opposites.
“Okay, well, I’ll let you both finish up, and we’ll talk soon. Text me tonight, though, please.”
“Okay, love you.” “Will do, love you.”
“I love you both so much.” My voice cracks on the last word.
“Bye, Mom.”
“Bye, girls.” As soon as I end the call, I fall on the bed in a sob. On to Georgia’s bed. I can’t stay in my old room. It still wreaks of memories from the last time my heart was shattered. No, this time, it felt fitting to move into Georgia’s room. The irony isn’t lost on me.
If you would have asked me a month and a half ago where I’d see myself now, I would have told you on a plane back to Virginia. I would never, not ever, have guessed I’d be staying at Georgia’s house, in her room, pregnant, and alone.
I head to the bathroom, grabbing a roll of toilet paper before heading back to the bed. On my way, my eyes fall on her box. Sandy and Jim were kind enough to drop it off the day after I came home from the hospital. They’ve also checked in on me a couple times already. I know Sandy cares about me, but I don’t doubt for a minute she cares about her future grandchild more.
She’s going to make the best grandma someday. It’s a shame I won’t be around to see it. I had these visions of Sunday dinner at Sandy’s house. Liam and me showing up, and her reaching for the baby the moment we step foot in the house. I was picturing the girls learning how to make pastries from Jim, and Liam coddling my belly where another family member was growing. My throat burns and my chest gets tight over what are nothing more than foolish thoughts now.
It’s been four days since the last time I saw him and still no calls or texts. I haven’t even tried again, not since Alex called him from the hospital. He hasn’t shown up looking for me either. I try not to think about what he’s doing or where he’s at, but so far, I’ve been unsuccessful. On a Tuesday morning he could be at his house working out, or down at the office just getting into his day. Or maybe he’s lying in a ditch somewhere. I doubt that’s the case, though. Death would be too easy an ending for him and me. Death would be the easy way out, and I’ve learned life is crueler than that. No, no, dying is easy, it’s the ultimate escape. Living, that’s hard.
I grab a notebook before crawling back in bed. It’s the same one I’ve been reading out of since I learned about the night of my conception.
June 29, 1987
I had my doctor's appointment this morning, and they confirmed what I’d already feared. I’m pregnant, and without a doubt, it’s Ray’s child. I already knew that, though. Life has never been too kind to me, so I have to admit, I was expecting this. I don’t know how I’m going to tell you, so I probably won’t. I’ll just leave you my notebook at the end of the week like usual and you can read it yourself. I won’t be able to bear the look on your face. The pity.
I still can’t wrap my mind around how we went from nearly having it all to having nothing. What would have been our full house is now an empty one. Living here without you and Alexander is so painful, I can barely stand it most days.
I don’t even know why I’m still writing to you either. But you keep taking my notebooks, so I keep writing them even though I know we’ll never be. It’s a fool's errand, this habit. Part of me thinks it’s your punishment, though. I have to live this hell, so you have to read about it. You don’t get to just forget about me. That’s the only power I have left in this world, to exist.
Disappearing from your life would be easy. I could start over somewhere new, find a new man to love, but that would be too easy on you. No, I’ll keep showing up to work every day, living in the house you bought for us, writing to you every night so you can’t forget me. You won’t be able to forget the pain I carry either. I’d say in about 3 months, you’ll even have to witness it in real life. I’ll be growing with the baby that should have been ours, yours.
Maybe after you read my notebook this week and you see what I’m doing and why, you’ll stop taking them. But if I know you, you won’t stop. You’ll keep taking my notebooks because it’s all you’ll ever have of me.
Damn. I tried so hard to not be like her, but I guess in the end we really do become our parents. It’s what I was destined for. I’m sitting in the same house she was, pregnant, and alone. Except I’m not entirely alone, I have Alex. But he’s not Liam. No one is.
“Disappearing from your life would be easy,” runs through my mind on a loop. I reread part of her entry. “It’s your punishment…I have to live this hell, so you have to read about it. You don’t get to just forget about me. That’s the only power I have left in this world, to exist.”
Georgia was stronger than I ever gave her credit for. She stayed when I ran. She showed up when I cowered. All these years, I thought she was weak, pitiful, for never leaving this place. I thought doing the same thing, day in and day out, was pathetic. I never knew or understood the amount of will and inner power she had to have in order to do it, and she did. She fucking did it.
She raised the child who was a literal and physical representation of everything she lost. She showed up to work and faced the only thing she wanted, but could never have. She was right, disappearing is easy. And that’s what I do, it’s what I’ve done. I moved to D.C. I'm going back to Virginia, and never going back to Spearhead again. Unlike me, Georgia didn’t take the easy way out, she did the hard thing.
I’ve done hard things in my life, but I can’t say I’ve ever taken the hard route. The one that required strength. I always thought I was too weak to bear it. But I’m not, I can’t be anymore. And if Georgia could do it, I can, too. I have two young women and a baby who need me to be strong. If I couldn’t do it for myself in the past, I can do it for them now.
That’s all that matters anymore anyways. As long as the girls and the baby are good, I’ll be good.
“Hey, look at you, out of the house!” Alex talks to me like I’m a toddler taking their first steps. I basically am, relearning how to do life with part of my heart missing.
“Yep, I did it. Even showered, too.” Alex comes up to me, giving me his signature half hug. It feels good for a moment, before I think about the embraces Liam used to give me. My chest feels like it fractures at the memory. Stop it, Britain. You’re strong, you can do life without him.
Alex has been working in the backyard all week and I haven’t been outside since we got home from our Target and In-N-Out adventure post hospital. Maybe some vitamin D can help get me moving again. I send out a silent prayer. Please, help me get moving again. I check on what Alex is working on.
“I thought you were planning to sell this place?” I ask. “Planting a vegetable garden would imply you’ll be sticking around to tend to it.”
He heads back to the plot where Georgia used to work, slipping thick canvas gloves back on before answering me. “Yeah, well, you know what they say, make plans and god laughs.” Ain’t that the truth.
“Word,” is all I say to him, before taking a seat in one of Georgia’s peeling, plastic lawn chairs. “So then, what’s the new plan? Or is the new plan to not have a plan?”
He chuckles. “I feel like I could ask you the same thing.”
“You’re deflecting.”
“So are you,” is all he says.
“Fine, I have a plan forming, but I don’t know. I think it might sound kind of stupid if I say it out loud.”
“More stupid than me planting a vegetable garden at my late mother’s house?”
I move my head back and forth weighing his stupid versus mine. “Yeah, alright. I’m thinking about trying to move here. Not to Georgia’s house, but here.” I motion with my hand to the land around us.
“That doesn’t sound stupid, Brit.”
“Yeah, that’s not the stupid part. I think I’d be doing it as a sort of punishment for him. By being happy, without him, here. By not just disappearing, and making it easy on him. I don’t know. I’d also be doing it as a way to stand my ground. Like why does he, why did Matthias, get to take this place away from me?” I’m having a hard time expressing what I mean. I think that probably just sounded really stupid. “I can’t move here full time, but some sort of part-time scenario, I don’t know. Haven’t figured it out yet and I need to talk to the girls and Damian about it first.”
“That’s not stupid. It takes a lot of strength to not run away from the pain, or the bad, or the memories that keep you up at night. I know that for a fact.” I wonder how much therapy he’s had over the years. At this point it’d probably be more cost effective for us to go in on hiring a live-in shrink, which reminds me, Carla. I’ve been avoiding her.
“So, what’s your plan?” Your turn, Alex.
He stops what he’s doing, “I think my plan is to not have a plan. I know the end result I want, but I don’t know how I’m gonna get there yet. I do know it’s never gonna happen if I keep hiding in the farthest corners of the world living out of tents, though. So, staying put for a little bit, that’s the plan.” I doubt he’d share what the end result is. I can take a couple guesses, though.
I nod in understanding. “I feel the same, I guess. I’d love to find peace with being alone in the end, I just haven’t figured out how to get there and I know I won’t find it if I keep running away from all my problems.”
“Still haven’t heard from him?”
“Nope.” I hate how I feel burned every time he asks me. And he asks, daily.
“Have you asked Matt about him?”
I tense up at the mention of Matt. “No. He’s texted me, but I haven’t responded. I don’t know, just doesn’t feel right to ask him about Liam.” I hate the way his name sounds coming out of my mouth. It feels like coating my tongue and lips with acid.
“Well, you could just ask him now.” Alex nods toward the open gate where a G Wagen has come to a stop in the driveway. Fuck. Alex just puts his head back down, focusing on his shovel and dirt and I make my way to the front path.
It’s like déjà vu. How many times did I wait out here for him? And now, here he is, like all the wishes I made when I was 18 finally came true. But it doesn’t feel like a dream realized anymore.
He steps out of the driver's seat, and christ. I can’t help how attractive I still find him. He’s a 10 at 42, in the prime of his life, a physically astounding specimen, but somehow I’ve lost that spark I’d always felt for him in the past. Even when I was with Damian, I’d still get the feeling when I’d think of him. Liam’s ruined me.
He walks around to the passenger side, grabbing a tray of coffees and a box of pastries. I’d know that box anywhere.
“Oh my god, did you bring LaBoulangerie?” I can’t help the excitement. I guess food is the only thing that does it for me now.
“So now you’ll talk to me?” His tone is joking, putting me at ease.
“I’m sorry I haven’t responded. I’ve been meaning to, it’s just been a hard couple of days. This is, uh, actually my first time outside since I came home.”
“Well, by all means, don’t let me drag you back inside.” He heads straight for the bench sitting in the front of the house. He’s not exactly dressed for a day at the office this Friday morning. He’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt with Adidas Sambas, just like he used to. He’s still as cut now as he was at 25. His hair is thick and black, no grays in sight, and it’s just about long enough to touch the collar of his shirt. Such bullshit that men get better as they age.
The bench is shaded by eucalyptus trees and thankfully the temperature is still tolerable thanks to the mid-morning hour. He waits for me to sit first, then sets the tray of coffees and the box of pastries between us.
I motion to the drink tray. “Are we expecting more guests?”
“No, I, uh, don’t know how you take your coffee, so I brought a little bit of everything.” Yeah, can’t say I was a big coffee drinker at 18. “I have a decaf, because,” he motions down to the general region of my womb, making me blush. “I have an iced almond milk latte. I have just a good old-fashioned black coffee, and then an iced coffee with oat milk. What would you like?”
“I’ll have the almond milk latte, please. And, thank you. That was very thoughtful to think of the decaf, I’m just not strong enough to go cold turkey on caffeine.” He hands me my coffee with a smile before moving the tray to the other end of the bench. I don’t realize it until a moment later, but I’m smiling back. Smiling with Matthias is natural, but it doesn’t feel right, like I shouldn’t be happy with anyone else but Liam.
He opens the box next. “Well, Britain, I may not know your coffee order, but I do know this.” The box is filled with cinnamon buns. They’re perfectly glazed, buttery cinnamon buns.
“You remembered,” I say in disbelief.
“I still go there every Friday. That is, if I’m in town.” Wow. The bakery is right by the MS Group office and Georgia and I would go every Friday morning before school for a cinnamon bun. I can’t believe he does that. I don’t know what to say, so I just reach for a bun instead. I take a bite, and oh my gawd, it’s exactly how I remember.
Matthias laughs. “You still do that?”
My mouth is full of pastry, but I eek out between chewing, “Do what?”
“You moan, and make these little noises when you eat something really good.”
“Umm,” I swallow my food, “that’s embarrassing.” I finish with a laugh.
“No, it’s not. It’s cute.” I’m sure my face looks like a tomato now, so I keep eating my pastry to avoid having to make conversation. He doesn’t say anything more, though.
“How is Constantine doing these days?” I ask after we’ve gone too long without anybody talking.
“He’s, well, he’s had better days.” I immediately look at him.
“Oh, I’m really sorry to hear that. Is it his health?” He laughs when I say this.
“No, god, no. He's going to live to be a hundred and twenty. Uh, no. Julie left him last week.” Wow, after all these years. He keeps going, “But I don’t think that’s actually bothered him all that much. Really, it was Georgia’s passing. He’s just not the same.” There’s something about his tone when he says this.
“So you knew?”
He hesitates. “Yeah. I just realized you didn’t know, did you?”
“Not until a week ago.” My god, has it only been a week? It feels like another lifetime ago. I shudder at the memory. That was the day I realized I was pregnant, the day I found out I was conceived via rape. The day before I got engaged and dumped. My stomach turns and I absentmindedly rub my hand across my abdomen.
“Are you okay?” Matthias asks, looking at me with concern, and then my abdomen.
“Yes, yeah, I’m fine,” I say, shaking my head. “Just reliving a memory, that’s all.” I give him a half-hearted smile.
“Did Liam tell you then?” he asks.
“Actually, no. He wasn’t the one who told me. When Georgia passed, she left me her notebooks. Hundreds of them. I could never figure out who she was writing to, or writing about, until last week when I learned about how I was conceived, which was shocking. But that was the first and only time she ever named your father.”
“I always loved your mom, Britain. You know she used to take care of me every time I got sick? Julie would make Constantine bring me into the office with him, you know how she is. And so, whenever I was sick, your mom would take care of me. I always wished she could’ve been my mom instead.”
“I didn’t know Julie did that. That must have been strange as a child having to go to your dad’s office when you were sick, no?”
“Julie never was exactly ‘maternal.’” I just nod my head, feeling sorry. Georgia would have loved to be his mom.
“Georgia was really looking forward to being your mom, you know? She wrote about how she couldn’t wait for you and Alex to run wild through these hills.” When I look at him again, he’s slightly teary eyed. I reach out for his hand at the same time he reaches for mine. I let out a small laugh.
He breaks the moment, speaking first. “You know Julie was the one who made Liam do it.” Huh?
“What do you mean?”
“He didn’t tell you?” There’s that gut feeling again, the crappy one. What is he talking about? The look on his face tells me that maybe I don’t want to know, but I need to. I need to know.
“Matthias, tell me what?”