16
Logan
Weak. Weak, weak, weak, weak.
“So much for moving on, huh?”
Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck you so much. Fuck me.
Goddammit, I’m spiraling. I have been for the past hour. And Damien, as he at last breaks the heavy silence that’s been making this drive intolerable, is doing nothing to help.
This is the girl who’s been hurting me my whole life. This is the girl whose cruel words led to five guys breaking twenty-seven bones in my body. This is the girl who fucked and married the first guy who wasn’t me.
This is the girl I comforted because I felt guilty for hurting her just a little.
So fucking what? It’s not my fault she’s getting laid so infrequently that it was kind of painful. What’s a little physical pain compared to everything she’s made me endure?
And yet, the wall I’d built up, the anger I’d used as a shield… all of it melted in an instant when I realized I’d crossed the line.
Did I violate her?
No, she wanted it. She wanted it rough, even. She probably manipulated me, tried to get me to feel sorry for her. And it worked.
But the angry shield is back now. And I’m dead set on keeping any other emotion buried as far down as I can.
“So much for moving on,” repeats Damien, as if I hadn’t heard his words for the first time.
“Fuck. You.”
In my peripheral vision, I notice that Lia has put up just as much of a wall as I have.
Now that Aurora’s fallen asleep, she’s staring straight in front of her in stony silence.
Good. I can’t handle her sharp tongue right now.
I think I’d have it in me to kill her if she spoke again.
Well, maybe not kill her. But hurt her. I want to hurt her so fucking bad.
Make her feel just an ounce of what she’s made me suffer over the years.
“You know, my offer still stands,” drawls Damien, settling back against his seat.
“I’ll help you lock her up. You’d have the only key.
Unless you want to give Igor another set.
I’m sure he’d be just thrilled to beat her up if she ever tried to escape.
You know, he was just chomping at the bit to come along.
I guess he could just tell that girl was bound for a good beating. He’s such a sadist.”
The only sign that Lia is listening is the flattening of her lips, and the tremor in her hands as she squeezes them between her thighs.
What’s wrong with me for wanting to reassure her? The realization that I’m a moment away from going soft again enrages me.
Pushover. Fucking pushover. Guess I haven’t changed, after all. I’m just a weak fucking pushover.
I bite down on my urge to tell Damien to shut up, and instead stare moodily out the window.
“We need to come up with a solution to keep her from talking, though,” continues Damien, even though he must be able to tell how pissed off I am. “You’re not the only one who hates the sound of her voice.”
Shut up, Damien. Shut up!
“Maybe we could just kill her. You know what they say: the easiest solutions are usually the best ones. Personally, I think Dario had the right idea. Obviously, he’s a coward, so he’ll be too scared to act on it, but if you decide to snap her neck, I don’t think Carmelo will really have a leg to stand on. ”
I do not want to look at Lia right now, but I can’t help but spare her a glance, and my chest grows tight when I notice her expression. She’s grown white as a ghost.
Why am I so fucking soft?
“Or,” drawls on Damien, “we can just tell Carmelo Moretti to fuck off.”
Lia’s eyes widen, and the sudden flicker of hope in her eyes makes me ball my hands into fists.
“The only person I want to tell to fuck off is you,” I growl.
Damien merely shrugs. “Whatever. I’m just saying—”
“Well, stop saying.”
“I’m only saying,” he continues his maddeningly calm way, as if he can’t tell how badly I’m reeling in the back seat from pain and anger, “is that it is a possibility.”
“It fucking isn’t,” I hiss out, “so shut the fuck up. The don told us to bring her to him, and that’s what we’re going to fucking do.”
“Okay. Well, I told his goons we’re not going to Idaho. At least, not yet. I called off the plane.”
Lia blinks her eyes in clear confusion as I sit up abruptly.
“What the fuck, man?”
“I thought we’d go on a road trip.”
“What the fuck?”
“Come on, it’ll be fun. A little bit of bonding time. I’ve always wanted to see the Midwest anyway. Heard it’s ugly as fuck. Have you ever had ambrosia salad, man? It’s like this fruit salad with mayonnaise. Doesn’t that sound gross? I’ve always wanted to try it.”
“Damien,” I say, my voice strangled from the way I’m trying to control my homicidal rage. “What the hell is Carmelo going to say when he finds out we’re not going?”
“Probably a whole lot of things,” shrugs Damien. “So what?”
“So, are you fucking nuts?” I hiss. “Do you have a death wish or something? Want to piss off the entire family?”
He stifles a yawn. “You know, Logan, if you want to get ahead in life, you have to stop being a patsy.”
“I’m not a fucking patsy,” I growl. “But I also like the idea of living.”
He doesn’t answer me, merely shrugging yet again.
“So what exactly is your gameplan?” I snap after a moment. “What are we doing with her?”
I spit out the last word, and have the satisfaction of seeing the flicker of hope in Lia’s eyes die down, replaced by hurt. Though a tightness in my chest has me looking away quickly.
“Well, Damien?”
“Well, I guess that’s up to you,” he says slowly.
“If it’s up to me,” I snarl, “then we’re bringing her back to Carmelo.”
In the reflection of the rear-view mirror, I can tell that Lia’s features have hardened again, and her eyes no longer tell me a thing.
“Got it, man,” says Damien.
“Okay.”
I sink back against the leather seat. “So, you’re gonna get us another plane?”
“Sure.”
I fist my hands at my sides. Why the hell is Damien so fucking reckless? So fucking unpredictable? The guy’s going to get us killed, one of these days.
Right now, though, I’m a lot more focused on getting the hell away from Lia than on my possibly impending fate. I wish I’d never said yes to hunting her down for Carmelo. Though the truth is, I didn’t say yes to anything. Damien volunteered me, and I’m still seething about that.
But it’s just too hard to be near her. It’s too hard, because it feels like I’m on the verge of that old precipice.
Like I’m about to get caught up in a whirlwind again, and I’ll be helpless to do a thing to stop it.
And I know what comes after. What comes after is pain.
There can only be pain, with a snake like her.
“I was just thinking…” starts Damien, in a hesitant way that I know he’s far from feeling.
So I don’t react, turning my head toward the window instead.
“I was just thinking…” he says again more insistently.
I keep my mouth shut, because I am done playing his games. He’s the one who told me to move on. So what the hell is he doing right now?
If I didn’t know him better, I’d imagine he was enjoying torturing me. Or punishing me, for getting close to her.
But I don’t think he wants to hurt me. He’s never wanted to hurt me. He’s only ever looked out for me.
So what the hell is he playing at?
“I was just thinking… don’t you want to know what I’ve been thinking?”
“I don’t believe for a second you even know how to think,” I retort.
He snorts out a laugh. “Touche. Well, want to know what I haven’t been thinking?”
“Fuck off, Damien.”
“Okay, fine, since you insist, I’ll tell you. Well, it occurred to me that your girl—”
“She isn’t my girl!”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. It occurred to me that Lia sure has changed a lot.”
I raise a surprised eyebrow.
“Okay, so? She’s three years older. She has a kid. She got ugly. So what?”
Another glance at the undoubtedly attractive girl beside me, and I see that she’s closed her eyes. I can tell she’s pretending to sleep, but that she’s hearing everything. Good. I want to insult her. I want to hurt her. I want to make her cry.
“I didn’t mean physically, you superficial bastard.”
“You’re the bastard,” I growl. “Are you going to tell me what you’re driving at?”
“Thought you weren’t interested.”
“Just fucking get it out.”
I try to calm myself, taking deep breaths to keep from lashing out at him. Goddamn, do I want to strangle him right now.
“Well, it occurs to me,” he starts again, in an aggravatingly slow voice, “that Lia sure has changed a lot. I mean, didn’t you wonder why the hell she was running in the first place?”
No, I didn’t. It may have taken every ounce of energy I had, but I managed not to question it at all.
“I guess it’s none of my business to wonder,” I mutter.
“Oh. Interesting. I figured it was your business, seeing as how you’ve been obsessively stalking her for the past three years.”
Lia’s eyes pop open. I sit up, my mind reeling both from the fact that he knows that, and that he’s just said it in front of her.
What the fuck is wrong with him?
“You’d better tell me what you’re getting at,” I choke out, rage strangling my chest. “You’d better fucking tell me, Damien, or I swear to god…”
“Fine. I guess what I’m telling you is that you’re not all that good of a stalker. Because I’ve been keeping an eye out too, not on your girl, because I’m not a sicko like you, but on Carmelo. And let me tell you something, Logan. Let me tell you something about your best friend.”
“He’s not my best friend,” I mutter. “You are.”
Damien chuckles. “Guess that tracks, huh? Your best friends are an asshole who enjoys making girls eat shit, and… a rapist.”
I stare at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”