Chapter 43
Emmett
W
ith my eyes still closed, I notice that there is no bare back pressed to my chest, and my arm isn’t draped over the delicious curve of Drew’s hips. My eyes slowly open as I reach my arm further, hoping she is just a few inches out of my reach, but I feel my palm meet the edge of the mattress. No Drew to be found.
I spring up, instantly feeling like something is wrong.
We were supposed to wake up to her alarm and get ready.
I was supposed to drive her to the middle school, and I was going to wait for her there.
Our backpacks are both currently sitting side by side in my entry way with our work stuff ready to go… Right?
I was dreaming about rubbing her lemony body wash all over her in the shower before having to officially start the day.
Something is wrong.
I grab my phone and notice hers isn’t next to mine, so I jump out of bed and head to the bathroom. Her toothbrush isn’t next to mine, her face wash isn’t there for me to steal, her cucumber deodorant isn’t where she set it down before bed last night.
No.
This is wrong.
Where is she?
My phone is still in my hand, but I have yet to check it. I tap the screen to see the time—7:58 AM.
Fuck!
I overslept.
She probably tried to wake me up, but I was too tired from my shift yesterday. Spending so much time with her, her keeping me up at night in ways I have only dreamed of, the shifts at the bar have been taking it out of me way more than I’m used to.
I feel like the biggest asshole after convincing her to let me take her and then fucking it all up.
She had to go alone.
All by herself.
I quickly go to call her, and I’m sent straight to voicemail.
Her first meeting starts at 8 o’clock this morning, and she probably can’t take my call right now.
I hope she’s not mad at me.
I send her a text, hoping to hear from her in some way. I’m so sorry I overslept! Call me when you can.
I don’t want to freak her out, but I am freaking out.
How could I have been such an idiot?
Why didn’t I think to set my own alarm?
I knew how nervous she was for today, and I’m supposed to be there for her.
She shouldn’t have had to go alone.
Getting dressed, ready, and out the door is a complete blur. I don’t know what my plan is when I shut my front door behind me, but I let my body take over for me because my mind is incapable of stringing together coherent thoughts.
I don’t have time to wait for the elevator, so I just book it down the stairs. Feeling like I fully deserve the strain and slight pain in my quads as I race down the flights separating me from the parking garage.
The spot that houses Drew’s car is currently unoccupied, further pushing the dagger into my gut that she had to face today alone.
Is she going to be okay?
I jog to my Jeep and hop into the driver’s side. I grab my car key to stick in the ignition, not yet noticing that it is missing a key that was there last night.
I throw the car into reverse and closing the distance between me and my girl.
I’m cruising on the highway, driving safely but with a sense of urgency that other drivers on the road don’t seem to have at 8:15 AM on this Monday morning.
When I was thinking about this drive yesterday, I pictured it much differently. I pictured holding on to Drew’s hand as I drove, asking her about the agenda for the day because I knew there would be no point in trying to get her mind off what the day held for her. I knew she would be too anxious to let herself forget so asking her about it felt like the right thing to do.
Right thing to do.
Do I even know what that is for her?
I planned on listening to her explain the day full of meetings and what they were about, assuming they would be about the trauma-informed care presentation that administration had sent out in advance. She got last night while we made dinner.
I was going to ask her what breaks she had and remind her to eat lunch because I knew she would be too nervous to remember to eat.
I was going to ask her if she was going to go to her classroom and see how she felt about that, and I was going to squeeze her thigh and give her kisses on her knuckles.
Kisses of reassurance that I was there if she needed me or not.
As I’m getting off the highway, shaking away what may have happened this morning if I didn’t fuck it up, I can’t help but wonder if maybe she didn’t want me there. Maybe this was something she needed to do on her own, and I was getting in the way of that.
But why wouldn’t she have told me?
I thought we told each other the truth because we knew the other could handle it. I thought we both knew she was strong and capable, but I still wanted to be there for comfort and support. I thought we were the beauty that came out of a tragedy.
I pull into the staff parking lot 20 minutes after her first meeting started. I see her car parked in a spot near the exit of the lot, and luckily there is an empty spot next to her. It takes everything in me not to rush into the school and find her, but I know the policies and would not want to do anything to upset anyone, especially Drew.
I’m not sure if she will be coming out to her car for anything, but if she does, I’m going to be here… Just in case.
I make the time pass by scrolling on my phone after trying to do the paperwork I had planned but not being in the right mindset. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, so scrolling through Reddit and Twitter, endless amounts of distractions, was all I could manage.
At about noon, I hear the voices of a few staff members walking together to their cars. I assumed the staff had a break for lunch, and it was probably a much-needed opportunity to leave the space for a bit. I watch the small crowd of teachers and other staff members file out the exit leading to the lot, but I don’t see the one face I’m looking for. The door shuts behind a small group of men and women chatting, and my heart sinks.
I’ll just have to wait longer.
Right as I’m about to look back down at my phone, the door opens again and the most beautiful woman appears. The red of her hair contrasts with the snow around her, brightened by the sunny January afternoon. She is alone, holding her backpack in front of her as she walks, presumably looking for her keys.
She doesn’t see me yet, so I take this moment to notice every part of her. She is wearing black joggers that accentuate her legs, and her black long sleeve is tucked in, hugging her frame enough for me to notice the curves of her upper body and her slender arms that I love having wrapped around my neck.
Drew looks up to unlock her car, and our eyes meet through my front windshield having backed into the spot to keep an eye on the door. The green in her eyes in overtaking the strokes of gold that sparkle bright enough to light my darkest days.
She stops in the middle of the parking lot, and my protectiveness takes over as I can’t have her standing in the way of possible cars coming through.
I open my door and begin walking towards her, but as I approach, she takes a step back and holds a palm out, making me stop a foot further than where I would like to be.
“Drew, sweetheart,” I begin, and she slowly drops her hand to her side and swings her backpack on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry about this morning. I overslept. Did you see my text?”
She steals her eyes away from me, looking at the concrete to the left of my Vans. “Yeah, I saw it.”
Why won’t she look at me?
“I promised I would take you and didn’t, and I know it was shitty.” I’m expecting her to tell me she is mad at me, yell at me, or react in some way, but there is a coldness to her. The warmth I have always felt around her is nowhere to be found.
“I needed to do this myself,” she finally says. “I don’t want to have to rely on someone else.”
This is not the conversation I thought we were going to have.
“No, of course not. You’re strong, you can do this, but I want to help—”
“No,” she cuts me off. “I don’t need your help.” Her words are sharp enough to break skin, and I see her eyes grow foggy behind tears she doesn’t want to let fall. “All my life, I thought I wasn’t worth the love you didn’t have to work for, and I became weak. Weak enough to let a guy determine if I was happy or sad, alone or worth company, empty or fulfilled, and I didn’t even realize it was happening. I let Reed convince me I wasn’t capable of love that didn’t come with string attached.
“These past three weeks have reminded me how weak I am and how, if I want to get stronger, I can’t rely on someone else’s strength. I have to find it myself. And I’m getting there. I know I am, but I can’t let you get in the way of something I need to do myself. I have to put myself first.” She wipes the one stray tear that escaped the corner of her eye and sighs. “I have to give love to myself first, Emmett.”
The world is closing in on me, and I don’t know what to say to convince her that she is right, but also that she is stronger than she even realizes. Yes, it is not my job to do it for her, but I want it to be my job to support her.
“Drew,” I manage to say her name before she’s walking right past me to her car. She goes to the passenger side door and grabs a bagged lunch she must have packed at her place this morning.
“There’s nothing left to say. It was nice of you to come here, but you should go. I’ll see you around.”
And with that, she is walking back towards the school, not saying another word or looking back to see me watching her walk away.
She leaves me with my heart in her hands, broken but still hers.