Chapter 44
Drew
I
t took everything in me to say those words to Emmett, but I knew they had to be said. I had to end things now, before I fell into the same trap I fell in with Reed. This morning was tough, and there were moments I wanted to forget what I told myself when I got up this morning, but I knew I had to power through.
It was bittersweet to be among the staff again, especially because there are members who are missing. There are also a handful who decided they didn’t want to come back, and no one blames them.
The trauma-informed care presentation and the presentation about how to address questions and concerns from students and families was tolerable, and I kept trying to remind myself that I was here for my students. To right the wrongs of what happened to us. To get stronger and show them how it is possible, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
After grabbing my lunch from my car, I head back into the building, trying to leave what happened in the parking lot out there, knowing I have other priorities to deal with inside these walls. Because my principal wants me to wait to go to my classroom, I head to the staff lounge.
I feel a sense of relief when I get there to see that it is empty. I sit down at one of the tables to eat the lunch I packed, but I can’t find my appetite.
I pull my phone out of my backpack and do some scrolling to pass the time before it’s time to be back in the cafeteria for the afternoon meetings. Those being the ones I’m dreading the most because part of my team was lost on that Friday, and it’s time to face that head-on in about 40 minutes.
I stick to my habit of skipping Instagram and Snapchat, not wanting to be reminded of the highlight reels of everyone else’s lives, and open my messages to text Lacey. I haven’t called her since I gave her all the details about Reed,and Emmett last week.
Emmett.
It would be so easy to send him a text, telling him we could talk more tonight.
No.
I had to stand my ground.
I never did that with Reed, not until recently.
I’m strong enough now.
Maybe Lacey can talk.
I send her a quick text asking if she has some time. I know she is at work, but I’m hoping she has a few minutes to spare. She texts me back a few seconds later saying she is swamped with back-to-back meetings but will call me tonight. She asks how my first day back is going and says she’s sending me all the good vibes.
I respond telling her it’s going, and that I’ll tell her all about it tonight.
My heart has been hurting since I left Emmett’s apartment this morning, and I think those individual pieces shattered after seeing his face in the parking lot.
Because Lacey can’t talk until tonight, and I decide to do what I do best and distract myself with work. I pack back up my untouched lunch and head back to the cafeteria where a few other staff members are discussing aspects of this morning’s presentations. I join them and talk about work, worrying about the after-effects of ending things with Emmett will have to wait until later.
“Drew! How was your first day back? I want to hear all about it!” As promised, Lacey called me this evening. I got home around 3 PM, leaving an hour early because the last hour of the day was planned as classroom time, and I didn’t have a classroom to return to just yet. My principal said I could just do the work I was going to do there at home. “Did you end up letting Emmett drive you?”
“No. I decided to drive myself,” I respond. “I actually decided that I wanted to do things all by myself from now on.”
Lacey laughs as if I’m joking, “What do you mean ‘by yourself’? That’s all you’ve ever done, Drew.”
“Not really,” I throw back.
“Yes, really.” Lacey voice is suddenly more stern than before. “You moved out at 18, by yourself. You went to college and paid for it, by yourself. You live in a nice apartment and pay for it with a steady job you got, by yourself. Must I go on?”
“No, I didn’t do those things by myself, Lace. I had you, and I had Reed, sort of.” I sigh at the thought of how intertwined Reed is in my life up until now. “I was constantly leaning on you two to get me through the shit I couldn’t handle myself. I couldn’t even live alone without calling Reed to keep me company. I could barely make it through college without calling you about shit my parents never taught me.”
Thoughts of having to learn about things like sex and love from my high school boyfriend or birth control and STIs from my best friend surface as I recall how my parents never felt the need to talk to me about anything of substance.
“I rely too heavily on the people around me to be my strength rather than just being strong enough myself.” I feel the tears I tried not to let fall when I was talking to Emmett roll down my cheeks now.
“Someone else’s strength doesn’t cancel out yours, Drew. When someone you love lends you their strength, it makes you stronger.”
Her words are somehow beginning stitching my heart together, but the doubt still overwhelms me.
“But that’s not what it felt like with Reed. I feel like I don’t even know who I am without him, and I don’t even want him in my life. Lacey, I can’t continue being this person who needs to depend on someone to keep them from crumbling, yet that’s all I feel like I’m capable of being.”
“Honey, leaning on someone who is there to support you doesn’t make you any less strong. And I’m not talking about Reed. Fuck him and make sure you talk about him in therapy.” I let out a laugh through the tears because she is absolutely right, and if I don’t laugh right now, I’m going to cry more. “You don’t have to be alone to be strong, Drew. You deserve to surround yourself around people who want to support you. Like me. Like Emmett.”
I sniffle, trying to make sense of everything she is saying. It makes sense, but it goes against everything I have ever believed. “I already pushed Emmett away. Just like I do to everyone else. My parents, Cal, you,”
“Me?! Honey, I’m not going anywhere.”
“But I’ve been such a shitty friend. Not making an effort. If it wasn’t for the shooting…”
“Hey. Don’t you dare think that. We made a promise in Kindergarten to be best friends forever, and I am keeping that promise.” I let out another laugh, my heart slowly becoming less and less pieces. “And pushing away your parents was something you needed to do, and Cal… Well, you should reach out. It’s never too late for your two. You guys have a lot of shared experiences growing up. Even if you didn’t support each other then, maybe you could now.” Her words are reassuring to hear, and I’m slowly seeing that I have a lot of re-learning to do about my relationships and how strength and support are not mutually exclusive.
“Maybe I’ll call Calvin tonight.”
“I think that’s a great start. What about Emmett?”
“I don’t know, Lace. You should’ve seen his face. I doubt he wants to hear from me after my complete 180.”
“What do you mean? Last we talked, you both seemed head over heels, you were talking about butterflies again, Drew! I haven’t heard you talk like that since junior year… Of high school!”
“Exactly! These past three weeks showed us that something beautiful can come out of something tragic, and then I woke up this morning feeling like I was losing myself again. And I just got myself back.”
“Butterflies don’t just symbolize falling in love, honey. They also symbolize change. You’re not the same girl you were at 17, and Emmett is not Reed.”
“Lacey. You didn’t see him. It was like I caught him by surprise. Then kicked him when he was down,” I deadpan. “Then ran him over with my car.”
She laughs even though I’m completely serious.
“Don’t let your mind trick you into thinking you know what Emmett is feeling. Let him be the one to tell you.”