Chapter Twenty-Four
My attempt at sleep is fruitless.
I lay there, my heartbeat drumming in my chest until I hear Gus’s steady footsteps tread down the hall followed by the quiet creak of his door behind him.
What is happening to me? Why am I being so reckless?
I know deep down that I don’t want to be with someone famous. I could never handle the public scrutiny. The interference. There isn’t a single part of me who would welcome that into my life. I don’t want to be a part of that world.
I turn over and groan silently into my pillow.
Breathe. It’s not that serious. I’ve known him for barely a week.
And yet my body is ripe with need. I’m practically buzzing with it. I could sneak over to his room now and let what happens, happen. I’m sure he’d welcome it.
But no.
Ahhh!
Tomorrow we’ll (hopefully) be back on the cruise and who knows what change that will bring. Who knows how he’ll feel once we surface back into the real world.
We should keep it PG. Friendly.
I roll back over and scream silently at the ceiling. I need to cool off and the only way I can think to do that is with a freezing cold shower. I practically crawl to the ensuite, setting myself up on the pristine tiled floor and let the icy water trickle over my body until I feel more human.
In the morning, having managed only a few hours of solid sleep, I shower again and get dressed before making my way down to the kitchen for breakfast. We’re heading straight to the port to catch the boat, so thankfully there’s no time to linger.
Gus comes down, freshly shaven and ready to address last night.
My brain is gearing up to spiral but before he has the chance to corner me, Cole walks in to wish us a farewell.
He gives me a hug and I take a second to muse on how surreal this whole situation is.
Despite the cruise stopping off in Rome, it actually docks in a port almost an hour from the city.
The coaches, bringing holidaymakers to and from the tourist attractions, don’t return to the cruise until early evening, so Cole offered us his car and driver so we could travel in style and dodge any more mishaps.
I’m careful to avoid touching or looking at Gus, but I can tell he’s hyperaware of everything I do. His gaze warms my skin wherever it lands, which certainly doesn’t help. It took a solid thirty-minute, freezing cold shower to calm my nerves last night.
And I have things to say today.
As soon as we’re alone. I need to insert a healthy dose of reality into this situation because I don’t think Gus will be the one to do it.
Except my confidence in my own confrontational style flies right out the window the second I’m sat in the back of Cole’s dark car and I’m unable to start the conversation like a normal, adult, human being. Every time I try, my heart rate peaks and the words jumble on my tongue.
“Just say it,” Gus says to me after twenty minutes of silence.
I give him a look. “Say what?”
“The thing that’s driving you crazy.”
“Nothing’s driving me crazy,” I lie.
He smirks at me. “You’ve been pulling faces at yourself since we left.”
“Fine,” I say, sighing. “This isn’t a good idea.”
“No?” he asks, raising a brow. “I disagree.”
“That’s because you’re you,” I point out.
“That doesn’t feel like a compliment.”
“It’s just that this can’t work. It can’t last. You’re a famous popstar with an enormous fanbase.
You can have anyone you want. I’m going to go back to my reality after this cruise, and you’ll go to yours, and there’s no way you’ll want to follow me.
And, well, I won’t follow you… That’s just not who I am. ”
“I know,” he agrees, his smile fading.
“And so, I don’t know if I’m… strong enough for this kind of thing right now.”
“I see.”
“So, we’ll be friends.”
Gus doesn’t say anything for a disarming amount of time, his eyes tracking mine, running his teeth over his lips in contemplation.
“Ok, Sara. If that’s what you want. I won’t pretend it isn’t a shame, but I won’t pursue this. The next move is yours.”
“And I won’t make a move,” I clarify. “Because of all the reasons I just said.”
“Mmhmm,” he agrees, nodding. “Understood.”
“I’m serious.”
“You said.”
I narrow my eyes at his suspiciously relaxed response. “Ok.”
He moves his hand across the centre console and leans towards me, his lips close to my ear.
“But if that late-night shower is anything to go by, you will make the next move and I’m not going to stop you when you do.”
My neck gets warm as I turn to hold his gaze.
“I’m not going to make a move,” I whisper. I sound so unconvincing; I barely believe my own voice. In my defence, his woody, citrus-scented aftershave is distracting me. That and the tease of his curls falling over his forehead. My fingers twitch to push them back.
Gus nods and rights himself, sitting taller and fixing his collar as he looks ahead.
“Ok.”
When we arrive at the port, Cole’s driver drops us as close as he can and as we stroll towards our luxury cruise, the giant, pristine yacht, glinting in the sun, I can’t help but laugh at the whole thing.
Why was I even so stressed to begin with?
Oh no, poor me. Stuck in the gorgeous Mediterranean with a handsome popstar.
What a chore. Yes, I’ve wasted an insurmountable amount of money.
Not only for the nights I’ve missed on the cruise, but all the rooms, the coach trips, the train tickets, the food, the drink and clothes.
I dare not look at my bank account.
That said, I waste no time heading back to my room and lying face down on the soft mattress, absorbing the peace of my own space for over an hour.
Next, I wash my face, find my skincare products and do an entire cleanse.
I’ve been using a cheap standard face cream that I found in the pharmacy in Split, but thankfully, other than the slightly burnt nose and dry eyes, my skin is doing fine. Must be all the sunshine.
Once I’m done, I sit on the balcony and fidget with the ties on my soft white robe.
I shouldn’t be so twisted with excitement and nerves. It’s annoying!
I parted ways with Gus only a matter of hours ago, and yet this excited little buzz keeps teasing me at the thought of seeing him again. I try to shake it off. I am not a giddy teenage girl. I do not have a crush.
I can’t have a crush.
I bite the end of my thumb to ease the sensation pooling in my core, and lower, but it only intensifies it. I shake my head. There’s no way. I’m being ridiculous. And even if I did think he has a sexy charm about him, a million and more women feel the same.
There’s no way we’d make it work. That’s that. If I see him tonight, I’ll be cordial. I need to pivot. Now I’m back on the yacht, I plan on soaking up every last molecule of luxury and bathing in it.
I head back into the room and pick the sleek black mini dress with a low back for dinner that I nearly didn’t pack, not because of him, it just so happened to be the closest dress in my wardrobe.
I sit myself on the edge of the bed and make a call.
“Hattie,” I say, when she answers on the third ring. “I’m in need of some sensible advice.”
“Well hello there. And sensible advice? From me?” she asks, surprised. “Nah, if you wanted sensible advice, you wouldn’t have called me.”
“Ok. I just… I don’t know.”
“I usually call you for sensible advice. What’s going on? How is the Mediterranean and the cruise? Is it amazing?”
I fill Hattie in on my mishap adventure, travelling from city to city to city and how I nearly drowned on a fishing boat between Kotor and Bari. She listens, gasping and laughing in all the right places.
“Sara!” she exclaims. “You did this all alone? You actually got on some random man’s boat? Alone? Who are you? That’s wild. I mean, I get it, you’ve had a weird time of it lately and I guess you’re still hurt by… all that went down… Are you doing ok? This is all insanely reckless.”
I take a deep breath. “The thing is,” I say. “I wasn’t actually alone.”
There’s silence down the line.
“Hattie?”
“Yeah, I heard you. Is Mike there?”
“No! God. No.”
“Shit. I thought you’d gotten back together for a second there. So, who were you with?”
I frown. “I actually can’t tell you.”
“Ok…?”
“But it was a man.”
“Ok,” she says, lighter. “And?”
“And I have complicated feelings about him. I want you to tell me that’s insane.”
Hattie laughs. “Why?”
“Because Mike—”
“Betrayed you, Sara. Mike betrayed you. You don’t owe him anything.”
“I know but—”
“Oh, you really thought I was going to tell you to rein it in, didn’t you? Do you even know me?”
“I—”
“Is he hot?”
“He’s… yeah. He’s hot. But more importantly, he’s charming and funny. I’ve enjoyed spending time with him. Even in the crazy circumstances.”
There’s a crackle down the line as if Hattie has taken a seat. “Go for it. Fuck his brains out.”
“Hattie!”
“Hey, you’d tell me to do the same. If he’s up for it and you’re two consenting adults, then I say do it. Make him your rebound.”
“No.”
She laughs again. “Why are you calling me then? If not for permission to be reckless.”
“I haven’t been reckless in years and I was tougher skinned back then. I was open to heartbreak. Fuck, I actively wanted it sometimes. I enjoyed the pain and excitement it brought me, but life has knocked me down. I can’t do that now.”
“Ok, then don’t. Just flirt a little.”
I groan into my palm. She doesn’t understand, because she doesn’t know what I’m dealing with. I can hardly tell her who he is, because I know she is aware of Just4Summer. And that will lead to a whole other line of questioning.
I don’t know what to say so I just close my eyes and breathe.
“If this guy is flirty and funny and encouraging you to be silly, then let him. Let him energise you. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“It could never work.”
“How do you know?”