Chapter Thirty-Six
Thirty-Six
I creep through the apartment in silence, barefooted.
It’s late, and I leave all the lights off as I sneak up to the door and check through the peephole. My body reacts so fast, I find myself clutching my chest.
I open the door.
Gus waits on the other side.
He looks tired, his curls array, a takeaway coffee and box of chocolates in hand.
I don’t know what to say to him so I just stare.
He half-grins. “You have no idea the trouble I went to in order to find a coffee at this hour. But I guessed you weren’t the flower kind of girl.”
He’s right. “I hate watching them die.”
He nods, like that makes sense. “Can I come in? Before I’m spotted?”
“It’s midnight,” I say, eyeing the road that is currently deserted.
He takes a step forward. “It’s just an excuse. I really want to come in.”
I open the door wider, then switch the lights on. He’s still in the same outfit from earlier. Has he come directly from the event? My mind is racing.
He steps over the threshold and I shut the door behind him, showing him into the living room. He offers me the coffee and I accept it, unable to hide a smile.
“It’s decaf,” he explains.
“Phew,” I say, taking a sip. “Er, this is my place.” I gesture vaguely.
He sighs happily. “It’s so intensely you.”
“Thank you?”
“It’s definitely a compliment.”
I take a deep breath, trying to ground myself again. “Can I get you a drink?”
“No,” he says. He looks like he has so much to say but doesn’t know where to begin. “Thank you. But no. I won’t stay long, I know it’s late.”
A wave of disappointment rolls through me. “Ok.”
He opens his mouth then closes it again, placing the box of chocolates on the coffee table. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
“No, please, I’m the one who should be sorry. I let my sisters whip me up into a frenzy and then ambushed you.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re like that. They get all excited about things…”
“No. I meant. Why were you in a frenzy?”
I swallow, feeling a knot form in my stomach. “They got it in their heads that I stood a chance with you.”
“Did they?” he asks, not giving anything away.
“Yes. But I realise now that it was a stupid thing to do. You had hundreds of people queuing to meet you today. And then I just crashed your event. I’m nobody. I had no right—”
“Stop it, Sara,” he says, shaking his head.
“You’re not nobody. You’re very much somebody.
You’re the beautiful blonde everybody keeps pestering me about.
You’re the one who rescued me not just in Croatia, but from myself.
You helped me escape it all, and you gave me the best gift of all.
” His eyes hold mine, so intense, so clear.
“You let me be myself. Sara, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since Barcelona.
I don’t think even a minute passes where I’m not thinking about you. ”
“Well, imagine how it’s been for me,” I say, finding his statement funny. “You’re everywhere! I couldn’t escape you even if I tried. I haven’t been able to go anywhere without hearing your music or seeing you on TV.”
“I’m not sorry. In fact, I’m glad,” he says. “I was so worried you’d moved on, that you’d just put aside our time together. It was killing me.”
“Me too,” I whisper. “I worried about that too.”
“Sara,” he says, taking a step towards me. “Where does this leave us?”
“Do you have a car waiting for you round the corner?”
He nods, chewing his lip. “I do.”
“What if…” my voice trails off.
“What if what?”
“What if… I want you to stay? What if I’m not ready to give you up?”
“Then I can stay,” he says. He watches me, holding his phone in his palm. “Should I do that?”
I groan, spinning away. “I want you to stay. I do. I’m just so scared, Gus. I don’t want to lead you on. I might not be able to handle this. What if I can’t?”
He releases a long breath, nodding as if he’s figured me out. “I get it. You’re worried I’m going to fall too hard. That I’m going to hold you to this relationship and blame you if it all falls apart. Am I right?”
“Maybe not even you. Maybe other people will do that. Maybe I will.”
He smiles. “And you’re way ahead of yourself. All those things you’re thinking, those are future things. Be here now, in the moment, right now.”
I swallow. “Stop figuring me out. It’s annoying.”
He steps closer. “What can I do to reassure you?”
I wrap my arms around myself. “I think the thought of being with you, of the scrutiny, is so terrifying that I’ve tried to put you out of my mind. But I miss you. I miss your smile, your energy, your laugh. I miss it all. I want to be around you.”
“Sara—”
“Let me get this out,” I put a hand up, making him wait. “I want to try. Because I think if I play this safe, I’ll never forgive myself, even it does eventually break my heart.”
His smile broadens. He dials a number on his phone. “Yeah. Go home,” he says. He hangs up, places his phone down then before I can gather my thoughts, my back is pressed against the wall.
The adrenaline hits me so fast, I lose all train of thought.
His hands work through my hair, lips crushing mine as we gasp into each other. It starts out calmly, until one nip here, one scratch there, and suddenly my legs are wrapped around his waist and he’s running his hands up under my pyjama top.
“Wait,” he breathes, dropping me back to the floor. “Wait. We haven’t talked this out. I just. I had to kiss you. It nearly killed me earlier, having you that close and not being able to touch you.”
“I felt the same. I’ve been so in my head about this. About us. I’m just so scared I’m not strong enough to handle all that comes with being with you.”
“And I hear your concerns. They’re mine too. But you’re selling yourself short. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You’ve dealt with so much and yet your focus and dedication to the people you love is so wildly beyond anything a weak person could offer. You have to know that.”
There are tears in my eyes that I blink away. “It doesn’t feel that way, but what I do know, after not seeing you, is that I very much don’t want to do that again. I missed you, Gus. I missed you in a really embarrassing, totally insensible way.”
“Please can we practise at you being mine?”
“Gus, I am yours.”
He brushes his nose against mine, kisses me deep and slow. “You were right, by the way,” he murmurs.
“About what?”
“About the contract. Today was the last time I represent the label. The last time I’m Gus from Just4Summer.”
I gasp. “What happened?”
“My agent didn’t have my best interests at heart.
I had this massive bust up with Will and Callum at the conference.
I was so tired of them shrugging this all off their shoulders without any consequences.
Turns out they’d switched to a new agency.
They have lawyers on the case. And so, I’ve done the same.
” He breathes out, a smile consuming his lips.
“I’m free of it. I can do whatever I want to do now. ”
“What will you do?”
He laughs, his hands squeezing my buttocks. “You, I guess.”
“Shut up. Be serious.”
“I am.”
“Gus.”
“But that’s the beauty of all this. I don’t have to decide just yet. I can write music. I can sign with another label, maybe. I’m free. Maybe for now, I need this time to review me. Who I am. What I want from life. I’ve barely had any time to do that free of other people’s opinions and directions.”
“I’m so happy for you,” I say, running one hand over his face and through his curls, tugging gently at the back of his head so I have free access to gorgeous throat.
Our lips graze once, twice, then before I know it we’re all hands and teeth and lips and wanton sounds. I’m not subtle about my needs, unbuttoning his shorts and taking him into my hand, hot and smooth.
He groans and it tastes like lust. If only I could bottle it.
We scramble backwards towards my room. I guide Gus through the dark to the bed where he sits on the edge and pulls me to him.
“If we’re doing this, I need to grab a…”
I can’t wait. “Are you clean?”
“Yes. I’m tested. There’s been no one…”
“I’m on the pill.”
“Sara,” he mutters, pausing me, his hand strong at my waist. “Are you sure?”
I press against him, testing his strength. He’s unmoveable. Stubborn. “So sure,” I breathe into his lips.
He releases me carefully as I use him to press my knickers aside and slide onto him. He moans and I throw my head back as I begin to bounce, enjoying the stretch, the ache.
“Sara, I swear,” Gus mumbles into my skin, his voice cracked, as he sucks on my neck, pulling my waist into him. “So tight. So good. I don’t think I’ll ever have enough of you.”
And we fall apart right there, Gus holding me to him like he promised, keeping all the pieces of me together for another night.
And maybe, hopefully, every night after.