23. Levi
twenty-three
It became easier every day to leave the places where I didn’t belong, and the accounting department at SUU was one such place. It also became easier to see which choices had been made for me and which ones I needed to make for myself.
My parents chose the church, Utah, and Gina for me, and in turn, the church chose my thoughts and feelings. My professors pushed me down the accounting path, and I sat back and let it happen. Letting others dictate my life led to nothing but entrapment and resentment.
I made my first choice the day I told my ex-wife that I no longer believed. All the choices that remained in my life would be mine.
I knocked on my boss’s closed oak door for our scheduled exit interview. I turned in my official letter of resignation a week ago, and he’d made several attempts since then to convince me to stay. I’d refused every offer with a smile.
The door swung open, and Tom greeted me with a heavy sigh. “Come in,” my boss of ten years said. He headed back to his desk and motioned for me to follow and take a seat. “I have to ask one more time: Is there anything we can do to get you to stay?” He let out a soft grunt as he lowered himself into his chair.
Nothing could make me stay. Nothing. Even if Thea hated my guts and didn’t want to be with me, I would have to leave Utah. Even if my family members adjusted their behavior and started respecting my beliefs, I couldn’t stay. The whole wide world called to me, and, as luck would have it, the most incredible woman I’d ever met did want me.
I smiled and stayed pleasant throughout the exit interview questions Tom had prepared. When he asked, “Is there anything we could do better on our end?” several thoughts ran through my head, but I said, “No. It’s just time for me to move on.” I’d learned that most people in my life didn’t truly want to hear how they could improve.
“Well, Brigham,” my former boss cleared his throat, reaching across his desk to shake my hand. “I hate to lose you.” When I shook his hand, his gray eyes settled on the tattoo that peeked from beneath my sleeve. I usually wore long-sleeved shirts at work, so Tom had never seen the tattoo before today. I got so tired of those lingering, judgmental gazes. “I hope you know what you’re doing. It doesn’t seem like the wisest choice to leave a job without another one lined up. The Lord gave us the gift of agency. Please be sure that you’re using it thoughtfully.”
I smiled and shook my head. “Tom, that crosses the line of professionalism. You are not my religious leader.” I stood, offered him a final wave, and exited his stuffy office. The grounds hummed with the excitement of the end of the semester, and the sun shone, offering promises of a new beginning.
I walked to my apartment and let myself in. My footsteps almost echoed in the empty kitchen as I pulled out another cardboard box. I loaded my mug collection, which had grown exponentially since I started enjoying coffee, and taped the box shut. I’d already sold my dining set, and some college kids were coming to pick up my couch and bedframe in a few minutes. The only things left to do were pack up my closet and drive to Durango.
The most delicious freedom and the woman of my dreams awaited.
Thea didn’t know about my new truck or the 5th-wheel trailer I’d purchased. She thought I was coming to visit and look for a place to live in Colorado. I was going to surprise her with the setup this weekend. We’d talked so many times about a life like this— one with no strings, no expectations, only freedom. We could travel the country in our trailer. Thea could paint with the most inspiring scenery surrounding her, and I could finish my graphic design degree online. We wouldn’t need tons of money. I still had quite a bit left from the sale of the house Gina and I had owned together, and Thea could sell one painting a month. I could teach a few classes at one of those fully online colleges if I needed to. They were always looking for qualified teachers.
It wouldn’t be much, but it would be enough.
I grabbed my empty suitcase and tossed in a pair of jeans and a few T-shirts. All the old plaid button-downs that Gina had picked out for me still waited in the back of my closet. They were shapeless and boring, and I hadn’t touched them in months. I selected a white one with baby blue stripes and slid it off its hanger. Gina bought it for spring photos with my family. I knew the framed picture still hung in my parents’ entryway beside the paintings of Joseph Smith and the Savior.
Would I ever walk through their door again? Would they ever meet Thea? See how I’d changed for the better? Would they ever notice that I had a different glow now, the kind you have when you want your life? They’d rather have me broken, sad, and standing in line to validate their beliefs.
I sighed and tossed the shirt into a box of stuff I’d donate that afternoon. It didn’t matter what my family thought or said about me. I was closing the door on the place I’d come from, but I’d leave it unlocked in case anyone wanted to follow.
When I’d finished packing and cleaning out my apartment, it was nearly 8 pm. If I left now, I’d reach Durango around 4 am. Would Thea be pissed if I woke her up that early? The thought of her moody little attitude made me grin.
I pulled up to Thea’s house at 5:13 am. I had to pound the coffee to stay awake all night, which required more bathroom stops than I’d planned. I desperately needed sleep, but I needed Thea more. All of the lights were off in her small rambler. I imagined her curled up in bed, not aching, sleeping peacefully.
I exited my truck and went into the trailer to set up one final surprise for Thea in the dinning area, then I made my way to her front porch. The sun hinted at rising by painting the horizon a warm orange. Even nature wasn’t as good of an artist as my goddess.
I knocked on Thea’s door, hating to wake her but selfishly craving the look on her face when I surprised her.
Her door creaked open. She looked adorable and perfectly fuckable in her tight black leggings and a black t-shirt with a skeletal hand flipping everyone off. Thea’s hair was piled into a messy knot on top of her head, and the smile she tried to hide was beautiful.
“Great. It’s another Mormon. When will you guys learn that no one wants your second Bible?” Thea closed the door in my face.
I laughed and yelled through the closed door. “Sister Traeger, I’d love to share a quick message with you about our Lord and Savior Joseph Smith — I mean Jesus Christ.”
Thea cracked the door open enough for me to see half of her face and the smile she wore. “Was Joseph Smith hot or something?”
“Very.” I nodded earnestly.
I cracked her. Thea burst out laughing and opened the door for me. “Don’t ever call me ‘sister’ again. That’s gross, considering what I’m about to do to you.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her lips into mine. I kissed her back and slid my arms around her waist. “What are you doing here so early?” she said between kisses on her front porch.
“Are you mad about it?” I pulled her more tightly against my body and slid my tongue into her mouth. She tasted like chamomile tea and honey. She’d clearly already been up for a while. It must not have been a painless night.
“No.” She started to pull me into her house, but I stopped her.
“Wait, I have something to show you.”
Thea narrowed her eyes at me like she wanted to be annoyed, but she couldn’t completely hide the tiny sparkle of anticipation. She’d never admit it aloud, but she loved surprises and grand romantic gestures.
I took her hand and led her down the driveway to my truck and 5th wheel. She arched a brow and looked at me. “So, you wanted to show me that you’re homeless, jobless, and living in a trailer?”
“Yep. Does that turn you on?”
Thea shrugged. “Yeah, a little.”
I laughed and kissed her forehead. “I want to do a cross-country national parks road trip that takes an entire year, starting in Olympic National Park and then heading east.” I pulled a folded sheet of paper from my back jeans pocket to show her the route I’d mapped. “See? All of the most beautiful places in the country and some of the best hikes in the world. I mean, I have to get that Junior Ranger’s National Parks pass filled out, right?”
Thea’s expression remained blank, and my heart raced. What if she didn’t want this? I opened the trailer door and waved her inside. My palms began to sweat. I bought the trailer second-hand, but it was still relatively new and hardly used. It had a bedroom, bathroom, full kitchen, and a stacking washer and dryer. On the small dining table, I’d laid out a canvas and an array of acrylic paints and brushes. Thea’s eyes went straight to it.
She stepped forward and ran her hands gently over the tubes of paint. “This is an amazing brand. I only buy it on Black Friday when it’s thirty percent off.” Thea glanced at me with a half-smile. “Are you taking up painting, Levi?”
Why did she look so sad?
“I…what?” I frowned at her.
She rolled her eyes, and I could have sworn they were welling up with tears. “The paint, bro. You’re taking paint on your trip.”
My confusion reached its peak. “That’s for you. I thought you’d like painting the Redwoods and Old Faithful.”
Thea blinked several times, hand still resting on a tube of black paint. “Oh.” She closed her eyes and sighed. When they opened again, her gorgeous green eyes were clear. “You want me to come?”
“What? Yes. Didn’t I say that?”
Now, Thea laughed. “No, you didn’t. Damn you. I thought you were leaving me. I thought you showed up on my doorstep at 5:00 am to tell me goodbye before taking a year-long trip.”
I gave her a blank stare. “Why would I do that? I’m in love with you. I love you.” It came out of my mouth so matter-of-fact, like it was the only truth I was sure of in this world.
Thea’s eyes widened and then softened. “I love you, too,” she almost whispered. She hugged herself tightly and averted her gaze. It hurt my heart that her fear of abandonment still took over sometimes, even with me. How could she have thought I’d leave her? I hoped I could reassure Thea that I would never willingly go.
I closed the distance between us and pried her arms open so that she’d let me in. “You don’t have to protect yourself from me, Thea. I’m not going anywhere.”
She let out a sharp breath and hugged me with all her strength. “I know that. Realizing how much I love you made me panicky and insecure.” Thea gazed directly into my eyes, then slowly and deliberately said, “You won’t leave me.” Then she buried her face in my chest. “Ask me.” Her words were muffled.
I smiled. “Ask you what?”
“Ask me if I’ll go on this stupid trip with you.”
“Thea, will you go on this stupid trip with me?”
Thea shrugged, still holding onto me tightly. “A whole year? You might annoy the shit out of me.”
I laughed. “I’ll do everything in my power to annoy the shit out of you. You might drive me insane.”
Thea nodded against my chest. “Yeah, okay. I’ll go with you, but I have to do a few things first.”