Chapter 23
Ash
I didn’t want to be here.
That was a tough realization to come to–this had been the only place I wanted to be for months now. I’d wanted to be here every day, living my life alongside Thayer and the comfort he used to drown me in.
Now it was cold here.
His bed was cold.
Thayer gave me space when I was out of the bathroom, taking longer than needed to brush my teeth because I couldn’t go out there with obvious signs I’d just been crying. I couldn't show him how sad I was–hurt, yes, upset, sure, but sad.
It was like I was watching our breakup happen in slow motion, only I was still in it. I was still in the part where we tried to salvage this, only to find out in a week that it was a Band-Aid on a bullet hole.
You didn’t come back from broken trust in a normal relationship, but definitely not one like ours. Ours needed a lot more trust than a vanilla one…and I didn’t see myself trusting him again.
So, what was left to salvage?
That logic didn’t seem to match the action of lying in his bed. I could know in my head that this was destined to fail now…
But I still craved him. I still wanted him so badly–I wanted this to be a thing we laughed about tomorrow.
So badly.
Thayer didn’t try to touch me when I got in bed, but I felt him shift, so I knew he was awake. A little part of me wanted him to try one more time, but I was glad he didn't.
I would have caved.
His bed had never felt that foreign to me, but tonight, the sheets were scratchy. The blanket wasn’t long enough, and the pillow didn’t form around my head the right way–the mattress was lumpy, and cold, and wrong.
It felt the way I would have assumed my first time in his bed would feel…not my hundredth.
And that was my last seal.
Pathetically, I turned on my side, away from Thayer, and coughed out the cry I’d been biting back since I laid down. It took that one little crack for the floodgates to open, and suddenly, I was crying into a pillow that no longer felt like mine.
“Ash, baby,” Thayer whispered, hesitantly moving closer to me and resting a large hand on my back.
It wasn’t controlling in any way, but it wasn’t comforting anymore either.
“I’d rather you chew my ear off for an hour than ignore me and cry alone, baby.”
“I don’t want to.” I hiccuped, messily wiping my face, but not turning over to face him. “I don’t want to yell at you, or argue with you, or…ignore you–I don't want to do any of that.”
“Okay,” he said softly, moving stiffly behind me as his hand slipped from my back again. “Then we don’t have to do that. We can just talk, or, if you want, you can just cry, but at least do it over here, baby.”
“It seems awfully lonely over there–”
“It’s all lonely,” I mumbled, settling on my back reluctantly. “It’s like the pain thing again–I know what it’s like to not feel lonely…so now it sucks more.”
Thayer froze.
Maybe he wasn’t expecting me to actually turn over, or maybe it was just from what I said, but he didn’t move for a minute–just watched me. He finally moved, but only to settle onto his side, propping his head up on one arm in the dark room.
“I don’t want you to feel lonely, Ash,” he said softly, mindlessly toying with the sheets between us. “I was just…I was really scared,” he whispered. “I wanted to trust you, baby–I wanted to believe that you were fine…but what if you weren’t? What if you thought you were and you got hit again–”
“I know what a concussion feels like.”
But he didn’t know that.
I didn’t know how detailed my file was, but I was sure it didn’t have stuff dating back to middle school. My concussion was minor, so no need to include it in the permanent files.
Like the ones they gave my college coaches.
Thayer stuttered, his mouth opening and closing like he didn't know what to say next. I didn’t even know what he could say or what I should or shouldn't say. I just knew that I’d hated every second of being here so far, yet I refused to leave.
At least a little part of me was hoping for some magic–something to fix this.
“It’s scary,” I breathed, breaking the long silence of uncertainty between us. “I…It’s scary how badly I need you… I can’t even walk away from you right now when I know that I should.”
“I’m scared of it, too,” he sighed, his hand going still and flat on the bed.
I wasn’t sure what I was hoping for when I said that, but having him confirm that it was wrong…it made me sick. I wanted him to shush me and tell me something sweet, but agree with me?
“Because I should have walked away from you months ago…but you have a hold on me so deep, Ash.”
My eyes fell on him fully against my will, catching the slightest flash of moonlight against his glassy eyes. I took a closer look at him–at how uncomfortable he was, but not because I was here.
Because he couldn’t touch me.
He was stiff in his spot, his hands twitchy and tense–he was messing with the sheet to give his hands something to do that wouldn’t invade the space I’d asked him for.
This was killing him.
“You ruined my morning,” I said quietly, turning fully over on my side to face him. “I had to spend my morning alone, and then you broke my routine–”
“I know,” he breathed weakly, his eyes stuck on me now. “I felt awful about it–I tried like hell to get home faster, but you’d already–”
“Then,” I said a little more firmly, sniffling. “When I really needed you to just trust me, you didn’t…”
“How am I supposed to trust you now?”
Thayer hesitated for a second, his hand stilling. “You will,” he said, surely, confidently. “Let me comfort you, baby.”
Thank God– I couldn’t take this anymore.
With no hesitation, I crashed straight into Thayer’s chest, burying my face in the shirt that I already hated being there. We’d been sleeping naked for months now, so all these clothes felt even more foreign.
But it still felt better than the last four hours of my life.
Thayer let out a relieved breath, clasping a hand over the back of my head and dropping his head to kiss mine a few times. I was so scared that this wouldn’t feel right either–that would have killed me–but it felt exactly right.
He was still exactly right.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” Thayer mumbled, kissing my head again as his hand slipped down, closing around the back of my neck in a grounding hold.
There was a new, unfamiliar pause in me when I felt it, but Thayer massaged away the icky feeling with each stroke of his warm thumb.
My hands closed into a fist with his shirt tangled in it, pulling on it a few times like that would make it go away. Thayer got tense, torn between keeping that hold on me we both needed right now, or letting go to give in to the obvious request from me.
“Baby,” he whispered, pulling back on my neck to make me look at him through blurry eyes.
“Awe,” he almost cried, kissing my wet cheeks tenderly, but quickly.
“I want to do something that will help, but I have to let go of you for a minute–can I?” he asked, waiting for me to untuck my left hand from under me to tap his chest a few times–our nonverbal yes.
I didn’t even think about it–I just needed him closer.
Thayer nodded, kissing my forehead as he released me, far too quickly, even when I knew he was doing it as slowly and softly as he could. He sat up fully, pulling off his shirt and kicking off his sleep shorts like they were burning his skin.
He then switched his focus to me, helping me sit up and get out of my clothes as gently as he could, while still moving quickly.
The second those sandpaper clothes were off me, I felt better.
Thayer hesitated for a second, almost unsure of himself, until I nodded, letting him guide me back to lying down.
Facing away from him.
“No,” I whined, half turning back over before his firm hand was on my back, pushing me back into place.
Thayer settled behind me, one large hand on my back, just to keep contact with me while he did something. I felt the familiar warm, slick hand between us, working me open nice and slow, like he was going to fuck the sadness out of me.
I didn’t know if this would actually fix anything, but I needed it anyway…just kind of wished we were in a different position.
I missed him.
Thayer’s fingers slipped out of me, replaced by the head of his cock pushing into me and filling me up in one slow push. His chest was flush to my back, and it was surprisingly nice…
But that was it.
I adjusted perfectly fine, but he didn’t move.
“W-what?” I asked in a wobbly stutter, turning my head back to find Thayer wiping off his hand and settling into bed behind me, like we were just cuddling.
He shushed me, wrapping his arm around me and holding me tightly against him, a warm, firm palm on my chest. He pressed a slow kiss to the back of my neck before settling with his face nuzzled into the back of my head like he did when we slept.
My body was very much ready to have sex, but the longer he just stayed there…the calmer I felt.
I felt the confused storm in my stomach settle slowly, stopping tears from coming out of my eyes again, and the unease drained out of me until all that was left was Thayer.
My mind was hyper-aware of all things Thayer– his breathing and whether mine was matching his. His heartbeat against my skin, the rhythm a relaxing thumping. His skin touching mine somehow everywhere.
He had me again.
And that should have scared me more than it did.
Every part of me knew it was probably an even worse idea to stay with him than choosing to cross the line at all…
But I couldn’t help it.
I loved him.
“This is supposed to help,” Thayer murmured, his lips brushing my skin and his calloused hand gently stroking my chest. “I’ve heard it helps ground subs…helps us connect.”
Speaking felt like it took so much more effort than before, which I was used to when I’d fall into my subspace. I wasn’t surprised by that, but I was deeply surprised by how satisfied I felt having now actually been fucked.
Falling into this place was relaxing, but there was always this little unsatisfied part of me. I never brought it up to Thay and just thought it was a normal thing to feel, but he was finally satisfying whatever that piece was.
That piece of me that just needed him as close as possible while I was like this.
“Heard?” I finally mumbled, my hand falling over his to hold it against me. “You never tried before?”
“Never had someone I cared about enough to worry about our connection.”
Maybe it was wrong, but my whole body felt comforted by him. I felt calm and centered…I felt connected to him.
It did exactly what it was supposed to do–ground me and connect us.
“I love you, Ash,” Thayer whispered, kissing behind my ear as my heavy eyes shut for the last time.