Chapter 12 #2
The brush filled with the sound of crashing footsteps and loud swearing.
I forced my expression to neutrality and stood up, dusting my palms off as I did.
The clearing was no longer my secret—S?ren had insisted we needed to train somewhere off the castle grounds, where I wouldn’t be distracted by the occasional ogling passerby. I’d begrudgingly agreed.
So we practiced here.
And afternoons were our practice time. I’d been headed this direction anyway when I ran into the group in the foyer. It made sense he had followed me here.
Finally, the Hellbringer pushed through the last of the foliage. S?ren glared. “The moment we get back, I’m clearing that path.”
Right. Because in the morning, we were leaving for the wastes again.
The thought made me nauseous. Several days alone with the Hellbringer.
Here, his presence was bearable. We were nearly always surrounded by people, our training the only real time we spent alone.
And it was easy to think of practicing my Lurae as nothing more than a professional collaboration.
Solitude in the wastes was another story entirely.
I didn’t have the energy to fight with him. “Sure.”
“Before we start, there’s something we should discuss,” he said. “I heard a concerning rumor when I was down at the Sharpened Axe last night.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What rumor?”
S?ren glanced around, despite already knowing we were alone, then lowered his voice. “That the priests are still in the city. They’re unrecognizable without the veils, and apparently they’re meeting in the tavern, plotting something.”
I stiffened. “We ran the priests out of the city.”
But even as I said it, I wondered. I hadn’t been there when Halvar led the charge that sent the Holy Order running for refuge. What if some of them had split off and taken shelter, stripping off their robes and becoming as innocuous as the other Nilurae?
I would never have known.
S?ren shrugged. “It was only a rumor. I didn’t see or hear any of them myself, but the person who mentioned it seemed quite convinced.”
I frowned. “Who spoke with you about it?” The Sharpened Axe was a Nilurae haven, and most of the Nilurae were suspicious of newcomers.
“Halvar.”
My stomach sank. Jac had told S?ren of these rumors, but not me.
Jac doesn’t trust you, my thoughts insisted. And why should he? You’ve forced him to play this charade for too long. He asked you to tell the truth and you refused.
S?ren spoke softly. “The pub was busy. I’m sure he would have told you himself if he could.”
I cleared my throat and tried to wipe the expression off my face.
S?ren could read me like an open book, and I didn’t need anyone else knowing the secret of what had happened to Halvar.
Better to keep him in the dark for as long as possible.
I pasted a faux smile on my face. “I’m sure you’re right. Let’s start training.”
When we settled in our usual position, cross-legged on the ground and facing each other, I readied myself for the breathing exercises he’d been teaching me.
Gods knew I needed them right now. We ran through them over the course of half an hour, and the tension slowly left me.
The threads felt close, like they always did, but far less volatile.
But when I moved to stand and leave, S?ren shook his head. “Time to take the next step in your training.”
My throat tightened. The breathing exercises were simple, easy. They helped take the edge off my Lurae. I hadn’t lost control again since we sparred in the courtyard four days ago.
But the queen wanted my Lurae mastered in two weeks. Maybe it was manageable now, but it wasn’t mastered. Despite the nerves clawing at me, I nodded. “Okay.”
“The first rule is to not fight angry.” S?ren stretched his long legs out and leaned back on his hands in the grass. The wind caught his hair, and for a moment I wanted to lean forward and run my hands through it. “The second lesson is similar—power is not worth having unless you can control it.”
I clenched my teeth until my jaw ached. But before I could snap a retort—because honestly, no insult could have been more pointed than this one—he spoke again.
“Most Lurae struggle to control their gifts when they first manifest. It can take years to hold true mastery over them. I’m sure you can remember plenty of instances when your brothers fumbled with their new magic. ”
“Jac went through a phase where anytime he saw an animal, he’d turn into it on accident.
He’d get so excited to see a cat or a dog…
It was even a chicken once.” As I remembered a disheveled young Jac, head hung in despair, cheeks covered in grime after transforming back from being a kitten for several hours, a smile tugged at the edges of my cheeks.
“He started covering his eyes when we visited the local farmers as a family that spring, worried he’d see a cow or a duck and be stuck like that for a while. ”
S?ren’s chuckle resounded. “I’ve read records of other shapeshifters having similar issues. Any other instances you recall?”
Memories cascaded through my mind. Finding nine-year-old Bjorn in minutes during a game of hide-and-seek because the cabinet he hid in had started smoking. Erik breaking Frode’s arm during a training session by mistake. Jac transforming into my father while the two of them were mid-argument.
The first time Bjorn had reached for me, his too-hot palm searing my skin, he had apologized.
Less than a year after that, he’d groaned, “Am I just never supposed to touch you again? Grow thicker skin, Revna.” Father setting things on fire when he grew angry, the castle workers knowing to keep a full bucket of water in every room of the castle at all times.
“Plenty,” I said, not elaborating further.
S?ren didn’t push. “Right now I want to work on actively choosing to use your Lurae without letting it take control. We’re going to practice sensing the heartbeats around you.”
I frowned. The nervous edge had brought back the faint hum of the lullaby. Trying to use my Lurae scared me, but besides that…“I can sense heartbeats?”
He shrugged. “You should be able to. Your magic is attracted to blood, right? It would make sense. Every Lurae is different, but there are a few basic things they all have in common. For those who can manipulate already existing matter, the simplest task is awareness—sensing that matter in the near vicinity.” When I didn’t respond immediately, he probed. “What?”
I studied him. “How do you know all of this?”
S?ren wouldn’t meet my eyes. Were his cheeks turning pink, or was I imagining things? “The scholar title isn’t all a facade. I’ve been researching magic for nearly fourteen years. When you used your Lurae on me, after the Trials, I returned to Kryllian and did some research.”
I shifted my weight. “The only heartbeat around to sense is yours.”
“Yes.”
“And what if…” My voice trailed off, the steadily increasing tempo of my pounding heart warring to be heard over the song in my mind. If I had a choice in the matter, I’d hand my Lurae away in an instant. The last thing I wanted to do was use it.
As I watched, he lifted a hand, reaching it in my direction before halting it suddenly. When he clenched his fist over one leg, his knuckles were pale.
I opened my mouth and inhaled sharply, the icy air against the back of my throat steadying me. “And what if I kill you?”
I waited for him to smirk, to act like he was immortal. But he didn’t. “You won’t. I trust you.”
I laughed. “A mistake on your part. Can’t we just…wait until I feel ready for this?”
“You won’t ever feel ready.” His voice was gentle and I hated it. “We’re not manipulating any of the magic yet—just using your Lurae to listen to what’s around you. It’s entirely safe.”
“I get it,” I snapped. “But I don’t even know where to start. Until now it’s been holding everything back until it explodes.”
“Start by relaxing and closing your eyes. And then let yourself feel. Your Lurae will naturally guide your awareness to the living things around you.”
Relax? Not likely. Not when the thought of feeling the threads connecting me to every living thing around me sent a chill down my spine. Think of the treaty, I told myself. You’re doing it for your people.
I closed my eyes, my surroundings becoming darkness; the only sensations remaining were the cold ground beneath me and the rustling of the wind through the leaves. I took a deep breath in, then let it out slowly.
“Good.” S?ren’s voice was a quiet murmur. “Now allow your Lurae to show you what surrounds us.”
I struggled not to tense up again. His voice made me hyperaware of his eyes on me.
My mind threatened to slip into the familiar ease of imagining the time we’d spent together in the prison—his arms wrapping warmth around me, his lips on my neck, his low voice in my ear.
The lullaby pounded in my head like it sensed my anxiety.
My eyes flew open. “I can’t do this.”
I pushed to my feet, unsteady. My breathing was fast, like I’d just run a mile, every exhale accompanied by a brief cloud.
I can’t do this. I’m going to kill him and it’s going to be just like Halvar and then two people I love will be dead by my hand and—
The next thing I knew, the castle stood before me again. S?ren was behind me, calling my name, but I ignored him.
You can’t do it, my thoughts hissed. Don’t even bother trying.
I shut myself in my father’s office for the rest of the day, grateful for the lock on the door. No matter how many times S?ren, Volkan, or Halvar called my name from the corridor, I was able to ignore them.