Chapter Thirty-Two
West
Grandpa Boone: Plane just touched down. Try to stay out of trouble.
I smile at my phone, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss him already.
West: I’ll do my best. And if you need me to fly down to kick Linden’s ass, just say the word.
I’m joking but also mostly serious.
I tuck my phone into my pocket and glance around. The smell of fresh coffee and lemon cleaner hangs in the air as my gaze settles on the bookcase across the room. I can’t read titles from where I’m sitting, but I imagine the shelves are lined with psychology and self-help books.
Or whatever therapists are into.
Making this appointment was a big step, but I’d put it off long enough. Yes, Blue’s mentioned seeing a counselor as a couple, but something about starting here, on my own, felt right.
Waking up on the couch together the morning after our date yanked me out of the bubble of stupidity I’d been stuck in for months.
There was something about realizing that the only thing stopping me from having more mornings just like that one…
is me. I was more aware than ever of everything I stood to lose, more aware of wanting to be a better man, and I decided to finally turn all my good intentions and promises into action.
So, I made the call.
A light knock hits the door, and I wasn’t expecting that sound to make my heart race. After a second, a small woman with hair graying at the temples pops her head into the room.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Golden.”
I nod and take a breath. “Good afternoon.”
She lowers into the seat across from the couch where I’ve made myself comfortable. Well, as comfortable as possible, considering I’m scared shitless right now.
“It’s a pleasure meeting you. I’m Dr. Lee.”
I nod again. “Pleasure meeting you as well.”
She adjusts her suit jacket, then pulls a pen from her pocket to place on the blank notebook resting in her lap.
“Now, I know seeing a new doctor for the first time can be intimidating, so just remember to take your time today.”
“Noted. This is actually my first time seeing a therapist period.”
“All the better. We’re truly starting with a clean slate,” she smiles. “Tell me what brings you in today.”
I take a deep breath and think for a moment. My thoughts shift to Pandora, all the shit she’s stirred up in all our lives, then I blurt out an answer that feels like it sums up the highlights.
“Basically, a public relations nightmare that’s spiraled out of control.”
Dr. Lee flashes a polite smile but doesn’t speak. Her stare leaves me unsettled, forcing me to dig deeper when I can guess she knows that’s not the real answer.
“My wife. We’ve been struggling lately. This feels like the next step to earning her trust again.”
This time, she nods but still doesn’t say a word.
My stomach twists, and I realize something.
There are several people I can bullshit about this situation, but Dr. Lee doesn’t seem to be one of them.
So, I try again, but this time I lower my guard completely, which feels counterintuitive.
But if I’m really going to do this, if I’m really going to become a better man… I have to put in the work.
So, keeping that in mind, I give the real answer.
“Me.” I pause to gather my thoughts. “I’m here because of me. Because I’ve become my own worst enemy.”
I half expect her to keep drilling me in silence, but when her smile softens, and she makes a note on her pad, I know I finally got it right.
“I’ve recently realized that I tend to take the ignore-it-until-it-goes-away approach to life, and that hasn’t worked out for me all that well. So, this is me trying to change that.”
“Well, I may be biased because this is my profession, but I like to think therapy is a great first step,” she says. “Have you found any other ways to make strides toward change?”
I give the question some thought. “I had another consultation with my orthopedic doctor yesterday, then I scheduled my shoulder surgery this morning.”
“That’s a big one.”
“Yeah,” I nod. “His office is in this building actually. That’s how I found you.”
“Oh, perfect!” she smiles. “So, I’m curious. Why now? Why make the call about surgery now? Why start therapy sessions now?”
My gaze shifts toward the window as I settle in. “Because I… was starting to hate who I’d become. And I’d like to not hate myself.”
I don’t say more after that, because I’m thinking about it all—the arguments with Blue, the anger, the drinking, the fight and arrest.
“It may seem like an obvious observation to make about yourself, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t allow themselves to go this deep with their thoughts. Self-reflection can be uncomfortable.”
Yeah, no shit.
“You mentioned there being issues within your marriage. Tell me a little about that.”
I stretch my legs, gathering my thoughts. “We’ve been together since high school, and we married young because I knew my career was about to take off.”
“Why was marrying her before your career took off important to you?”
I think back to college. Back to that afternoon I met up with Ricky to tell him what I decided. Back to how certain I was about Blue even then.
“Because there was never a doubt that she was what I wanted. It didn’t sit right with me that she might later look back on our wedding day with the feeling that our lifestyle eclipsed something so important.”
Dr. Lee nods. “A very keen line of thinking for someone in college.”
“Choosing her was always just easy. Out of everything I’ve done in my life, loving her is the one thing I never questioned whether I got it right.”
“Considering your status, the career you’ve built for yourself, that’s quite the statement.”
“I’m not blowing smoke up your ass,” I laugh. “It’s just the truth.”
I’m silent while Dr. Lee writes, and my relationship with Blue flashes before my eyes.
It seems like it was just yesterday when I spotted her at a party out at my family’s Bellvue mansion.
I’ll never forget the feeling when we locked eyes through that bonfire.
It was like the entire world stopped moving and then decided to orbit her instead of the sun.
I’ve loved her for so long and having her in my life has probably saved it. More than once.
“And yet, you’re here,” Dr. Lee replies, and that sits with me, hearing her point out that despite my deep love for my wife… something still went wrong.
“Yeah,” I say under my breath. “I see your point.”
“So, let’s dig into that. Since we’ve established that your love for your wife is still intact, perhaps we should discuss when your love for yourself began to wane.”
Another heavy revelation I’m not sure how to unpack.
“Tell me about your childhood, your formative years.”
“My brothers and I are really close. I’m close enough to my mother, but there were periods where things were strained.”
Dr. Lee nods. “And your father? What can you tell me about that relationship?”
I open my mouth then close it again. “It was rocky. But he passed away a few years ago, so…”
“Sorry for your loss.”
“Thanks.”
She makes a note, then focuses on me again. “In what way would you say that relationship was rocky?”
My gaze lowers to my lap. “He was hard to read, mostly because ninety percent of what came out of his mouth was lies. He was also highly manipulative, made me and my brothers feel like his love for us was hinged on how well we performed.”
“At football?”
“At everything,” I say, pausing a beat to let my thoughts form.
“We had to be the best at everything, and also be careful not to outshine him. It was this… sadistic, choreographed life none of us ever asked for. And he lorded money and status over our heads so much that, now that we’re adults, those things mean very little to us. ”
“Hmm. That must mean you truly love football to have gone so far with it without money being a motivator.”
I nod, but don’t speak.
“Which must mean your injury came with quite the emotional blow.”
I laugh quietly when I see how she connected all that. “Yes. Both times.”
“Was this most recent injury in line with when you started having marital issues?”
I pause to think. “Not really, but it definitely didn’t help.”
“So, you’re a man who admits that his wife and football are his two greatest loves, and now… you’re faced with the fear of losing both.”
The emotional blow hits me right in the center of my chest, so I give another silent nod when I can’t find words.
Dr. Lee sets her notebook aside, and leans in, resting her chin on her fist as she stares.
“Your father’s love depended on performance, on meeting expectations. But now that he’s no longer here, is it possible that… you’ve taken his place? Does your love for yourself depend on your ability to perform?”
She pauses, letting me think for a moment.
“I’ll reframe the question a bit. When you can’t perform, when you feel like you’ve missed the mark in any area of your life… what does that signal to you?”
I shift in my seat. “I… I guess I don’t know.”
She nods. “The question was about more than just football, but let’s start there. Perhaps it’d be simpler to tell me what changed when you got injured.”
I think deeper, and the answer comes easily. “I wasn’t starting anymore. I wasn’t playing. I wasn’t needed. I lost my value.”
Those words hang there.
“And when you feel you’ve lost value?”
“I get angry and lose myself.”
I’m motionless, deep in thought as I stare at the gray carpet beneath my feet, processing everything.
I travel back in time to when I first got hurt, long before I returned to Cypress Pointe.
Damaging my shoulder was the start of a spiral that I don’t even think I recognized at the time.
It got worse when Blue and I tried fertility treatment over and over again, only to come out of such a long, grueling process with the sense that it had all been for nothing.
And then those feelings deepened when it felt like all I could do was fail in my marriage, despite wanting nothing more than to make it work.
It felt like one disappointment after another.
Or maybe… it felt like I was the disappointment.
“Well, I know there’s been a lot to unpack here in one session, but I do have one final question for you. We’ve talked about what makes you feel disconnected, so I’m curious to know when you feel most like yourself?”
She’s challenged me too many times to count, and we’re just getting started, but this question is by far the easiest to answer.
“When I’m not trying to prove something.”
Dr. Lee smiles. “That’s a good place to start.”
I smile back, standing to my feet not feeling fixed or lighter. Just… aware.
“Same time next week?”
I shake Dr. Lee’s hand when she offers it. “I’ll be here.”
*
@QweenPandora:
#KingMidas was spotted leaving the medical building that houses the practice of his ortho doc two days in a row. There haven’t been any official updates on how his recovery is going, but could this be an indication?
Now that Reed’s seemingly out of the picture, and with our king on sabbatical… what’s the future looking like for the Emperors?
One thing’s for sure. You couldn’t pay me to be Coach Wells right now. With the stress he must be under, maybe we should all start a fund to get that man a lifetime supply of antacids.
Later, peeps :)
—P