Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
G ale was at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, New Mexico. Desert stretched in all directions, hot and ever-present. It was difficult to remember that verdant fields, lush green trees, and even water existed. Not here, where there was nothing but sand and sun and rock. Lucas was inside, buying waters and almonds (they’d gotten stricter about their road food since their road trip had gone on longer than they had initially planned).
It seemed impossible that they hadn’t kissed yet. But Gale didn’t want to rush them. She didn’t want Lucas to think she was jumping into this lightly after the drama of several decades of marriage. When it happens, it happens. Be patient. Enjoy the ride.
Gale raised her phone to take a selfie of herself in the desert. She looked tan and happy after so much mileage, after seeing so much and saying so much. After a brief hesitation, she sent the photo to her daughters. She hadn’t yet told them what she was up to. She felt reckless and free.
They texted back immediately with questions.
ANNA: Where on earth are you??
PIPER: You look pretty! But what is happening?!
ANNA: I talked to Grandma on the phone last night. She said she hasn’t seen you???
Gale sent back a text.
GALE: On a road trip with a friend. Don’t worry about your grandmother. I’ll see her soon.
Evelyn Dobbs had some things to account for. She had some stories to tell. She owed that to Gale. Maybe she owed it to Lily, too, if they tracked her down.
Lucas returned to the car with a bounce in his step. Ever since that night in New Orleans—which had ended with a look of longing that had terrified and captivated Gale—it was as though they couldn’t get enough of looking and touching one another. Lucas put his hand on her upper arm and showed her the snacks he’d bought. She touched his hip. He tucked a curl behind her ear. In the distance was the sound of a wild dog howling. It was as though nobody else existed.
Yet still, he won’t tell me about his wife and his daughter. Why does he want to keep it all from me?
It was Lucas’s turn to drive. Gale got in the passenger seat, buckled herself in, and considered her options. Maybe if she told Lucas everything she could about her failed marriage, writer’s block, and fear of the future, he’d open up too. Maybe that would bring them closer than ever.
“I got an email from my divorce lawyer this morning,” she said.
Lucas raised his eyebrows and glanced at her furtively. It was rare that they talked about real things in the real world.
“It looks like it’s going to be fluid,” she continued. “By autumn, Peter and I will be officially through in the eyes of the law. It’s wild, isn’t it?”
“No resistance from his end?”
“Not a lick. It helps that he’s moved on with his twentysomething girlfriend.”
Lucas winced but maintained a smile. He loves that Peter sucks, she thought. It made her laugh.
“How are your daughters taking that?” Lucas asked.
“Better than I thought they would,” Gale said. “But it’s not like they’re racing to get to know her. She’s just a few years older than they are.”
Lucas adjusted his hands on the steering wheel. “I think he’ll regret this one day. Probably sooner than he thinks.” His tone was serious.
“Maybe not,” she said. “Maybe he’ll marry Margaret and be as happy as a clam the rest of his days.”
Lucas shook his head. “He’ll wake up and realize he exploded his life for a passing fancy. He’ll wake up and realize he let the best thing he’d ever had slip through his fingers.”
Gale reached for Lucas’s hand and laced her fingers through his. After a pause, she whispered, “You know how it is when you’re young. There’s so much pressure to find the one and fall in love and have babies. There’s so much pressure to get in line with the rest of your friends. To have life experiences. But not everybody meets the right ‘one’ when they’re eighteen. Probably most people don’t!”
Lucas laughed and squeezed her hand. “It’s statistically unlikely.”
Gale gazed at him adoringly. Her heart swelled. “She was the one. Wasn’t she, Lucas?”
It surprised her that she spoke so freely. She didn’t want to scare him away. But she had to know if she would always compete with a ghost.
Lucas’s answer surprised her to her core.
“Monica wasn’t the one. No.”
Gale raised her eyebrows with surprise. It wasn’t like Lucas to speak ill of the dead.
“Maybe we can have more than one big love in a lifetime,” she said, her voice shaking. She wished she could control it.
But Lucas shook his head. “Monica wasn’t the love of my life. She’s the only woman I ever married, and I loved her in a way that nearly killed me. But she wasn’t the love of my life.”
Gale was taken aback. Why is he so sure?
Lucas’s words were so quiet that Gale had to strain to hear.
“I’ll always remember the last thing Monica said to me,” Lucas said. “She said, Being married to you is like following along with the narrative of us you’ve already written in your head. ”
Gale’s jaw dropped. She was speechless.
“Monica was spontaneous. She was free. And I was locked into my ideas and my sense of history and time. I wanted everything to go just so. And she was open to mystery and chance.” Lucas pressed his lips together. “She would be miffed if she learned I was on this road trip with you. She’d say it wasn’t like me. Or she’d say that I was forcing myself to try to like it in order to build a good story.”
Is Monica still alive? Gale was reeling. Or were those the last words she said before she died?
“The worst of it is that she was probably right,” Lucas said. “But being married to someone means putting all your vulnerabilities out in front of you and asking, is this okay? Am I okay enough for you? And ultimately, Monica decided it wasn’t. I wasn’t.”
Lucas’s voice broke. Gale squeezed his hand as hard as she could.
“I came on this road trip because of my obsession with stories,” Lucas went on. “That’s true.”
Gale raised her shoulders. Her vision was blurry with tears. “Is that a bad thing?” she rasped. “Because I’m obsessed with stories, too.”
On either side of the car, the desert whipped past, brown, colossal, and never-ending. Somewhere out there—beyond the cacti and over the shimmering horizon, Monica was out there. Monica, who’d known Lucas at his most vulnerable; Monica, who’d broken Lucas’s heart.
Monica, who’d taken Lucas’s love for her and thrown it away.
I won’t do that to you, Gale wanted to tell him. I won’t shove you away.
But there was still so much unknown. And Gale was terrified to make promises she couldn’t keep.
She decided to enjoy the story for what it was thus far. She decided to let it swallow her up.