Chapter Five #2
‘That’s not true either,’ he says looking guilty.
‘I can fold this washing just fine, thank you.’ He steps forward, taking a shirt from my hands and shaking it out.
He takes the sleeves in each hand and stares at them for a moment, then tries to make it into something resembling a shirt.
It’s laughable and cryable, but when I move to take over, Sam takes a step closer, glaring me down.
‘So, um, Liv, what happened with the restaurant?’ he asks as he crumples the shirt up into a pile, sleeves in all directions, and picks up some odd socks instead. ‘You said something about them being dickheads with a video? Was there CCTV? Have they been in touch?’
Sam looks startled, turning to me. ‘He doesn’t know what’s happened?’
He glances between us. ‘What do you mean what’s happened? What has happened?’
I swallow hard, eyeballing socks he’s just paired incorrectly.
He deserves to know. ‘Our break-up has gone viral,’ I sigh, then nod at Sam.
‘You better show him.’ Reluctantly, she retrieves her phone and pulls up TikTok.
I can’t watch, but I listen to the now-familiar dialogue as I wail from the screen about my nails and what pudding I did or didn’t order.
Justin’s eyes get wider and wider as he watches, taking in the number of likes and the comments, no doubt still racking up and up with every passing minute.
‘Nooooo!’ he says at last, looking up and directly at me.
‘I can’t believe it, it’s… oh my god, it’s us, and they’re saying…
and there are hundreds of… thousands of…
But… but…’ He trails off, his eyes wide and full of fear.
‘… But they don’t know who I am, right? They won’t come for me, will they? I’ll be okay? It’s just you?’
‘You are unbelievable,’ Sam says, her face twitching with disdain. ‘And it’s time for you to go.’
She marches him out, the washing pile in his arms, unfolded and teetering.
I resist a desperate urge to offer him a carrier bag.
It would be the decent thing to do, especially since we have close to ten thousand under the sink.
Sam slams the door behind him and returns to where I’m standing. She eyeballs me with concern, waiting.
At last, she speaks first. ‘Are you all right?’ she says softly.
I shake my head sadly, then look up. ‘Can you believe he doesn’t want to get back together?’ I lament and her eyes bug out. I take in her furious expression, adding quickly, ‘I know, I know! I’m an idiot and you’re wishing a plague of daddy long-legs would come eat me alive, aren’t you?’
‘Yep,’ she confirms in a biting tone. But then she takes a deep breath and moves closer.
‘What can I do? Tell me what to do. Do you want me to kill Justin? Do you want me to track down the person who posted those TikTok videos and eviscerate them? Do you want me to spend the day replying to every single comment calling them all cunts?’
I gasp. ‘You kiss your mother with that mouth?’
She shrugs. ‘I mean, no, not really. I hug her, but kissing my mother as an adult feels a bit creepy to me.’
‘Okay,’ I continue. ‘You hug your mother with that mouth?’
She grimaces. ‘Again, no. I’m not sure how that would be possible.’ She nudges me gently with her elbow. ‘But really, tell me what I can do to make this all right. Or, at least, to make this slightly less horrible. I mean it about the comments; I’ll take on each and every one of them for you.’
I smile, my eyes watery. ‘Thank you, but you’re meant to be working.
I’m about to be fired, so we need at least one of us to have a job.
You’ll have to support the two of us. I’m going to be your trad wife, cleaning the house, washing your clothes, making sure the meatloaf is on the table at 6pm for your arrival home from the office. ’
‘Ew,’ she says. ‘I don’t know what meatloaf is and I never ever want another human being to touch my smelly pants.’
I raise my eyebrows. ‘Are they that bad?’
She nods. ‘Yes, they really are. They’re, like, sell-them-on-OnlyFans-bad. I have a yeast infection something like eighty per cent of the time.’
I nod, knowing this. ‘That’s why you’re trying to fix your gut health,’ I say, and she parrots it back.
‘That’s why I’m trying to fix my gut health.’ She grins.
When we met, Sam was a person who would steal other people’s leftover chips in Wetherspoons.
Now she’s someone who recently pooed into a bag to send to one of those health companies for gut analysis.
I guess this is what being in our thirties means.
I sigh. ‘But don’t you want a partner one day who’ll help you with your disgusting underwear?
Who’ll bring you home cranberry juice and Canesten Duo, and then take you to the GP to collect your antibiotics? ’
She makes another face. ‘God no. Why would I want someone stealing my energy and my “me” time?’ She smiles at me. ‘I’ve got you to share the rent and Canesten expenses with.’
‘But what if I meet someone?’ I hesitate. ‘Or what if I… what if I get back with Justin?’
She looks disgusted. ‘You’d actually want…
’ She waves at the door, in the direction he went.
Then she throws up her hands. ‘Ugh, Liv, you’re impossible.
’ She crosses her arms, and I know she’s really annoyed.
‘But you’re right, I better get back to my work.
’ She stalks away towards her bedroom, wings flapping.
‘I LOVE YOU, SAM,’ I shout.
‘SHOVE IT, LIV,’ she yells back as she slams the door.
I pull out my phone. Maybe I’ll just message Justin quickly – just to check he got home safe with all that washing. And to check he definitely doesn’t want to get back together…
Sam appears like magic at her door. ‘Don’t you dare.’
I put it away.