Chapter Thirteen #2
I sigh, swallowing the last mouthful of cake and wondering if I can ask for more.
‘But I know everything you’re going to say to me.
’ I try not to let it, but I can hear the defensiveness creeping in.
‘You’re going to suggest we do some cognitive reframing.
You’ll tell me it would be a good idea to change my negative thinking.
You’ll give me some relaxation techniques to do when I feel the “anger” coming on.
’ I roll my eyes. ‘You’re going to say maybe I could practise mindfulness and try positive self-talk.
’ My voice is laden with sarcasm. ‘Come on, Edward, am I close?’ I lean in.
‘But the thing is, I don’t have a problem controlling my temper.
I never lose my rag! What you and Spencer and Fabian – and everyone else!
– don’t seem to understand is that the tantrum I had in the restaurant that night with Justin was a one-off.
’ I consider telling him about the cinema trip with Sam and the wanking teenagers.
‘If anything, it was the first time I’d properly let the fury out in a long time.
Maybe ever! So, I’m not going to do it again, am I? It was a one-off.’
‘And how did you feel afterwards?’ He’s looking at me with those calm, dark eyes.
‘What?’ I blink at him. ‘What does that matter?’
‘I happen to agree with you,’ he says, frowning. ‘I don’t think the problem is that you got angry. But I do think there is an issue here.’ He repeats himself. ‘How did you feel – physically – after you threw that, er’—he uses my word—‘tantrum? How have you felt in the weeks since?’
His question takes me by surprise. I thought this session would be all breathing practice and meditation. How do I feel? Physically?
I think about it. ‘Hmm,’ I begin slowly, ‘Well, since you asked, actually I feel… pretty good? I’ve felt strangely better in myself since that night.
’ I cock my head, considering it. ‘Obviously not emotionally, since my world has been crashing down around me but physically… yeah. I’d been having these migraines for months, and I would wake up some days aching all over.
I haven’t had that since. They’re gone. The pain is all…
gone.’ Shock is in my voice. ‘I haven’t felt this physically good in a while, if I’m being honest.’
He nods and takes a second. ‘You’ve heard of psychogenics?’
‘The body keeps the score,’ I whisper, and he nods again.
‘The link between mental and physical well-being. I see so many women in my office who don’t know how to express anger in a healthy, productive way.
They’ve been taught to keep it all in, socialised to be nice and polite.
Women are told that they’re good with emotions, but anger is the only one they’re not permitted to express.
Except there’s so much to be angry about in this world, especially for women.
It’s no wonder it manifests in a physical way. ’
I fight an urge to roll my eyes. He’s obviously one of these ‘not all men’ types who claims to be an ally and then calls you a fat bitch because you don’t want to give him a blowjob, even after he oh-so generously held a door open for you.
Edward meets my eye, his expression serious and earnest. Okay, maybe he’s not one of them.
‘You mentioned having migraines recently,’ he begins.
‘Did you know women are three times more likely to get migraines? That they’re four times as likely to have an autoimmune disease?
Not to mention, twice as likely to suffer from depression.
’ He clears his throat. ‘Some experts think it’s linked to the fact that women aren’t able to release their anger properly. They shove it all deep down inside.’
I take this in. ‘I wouldn’t exactly call that scene in TGI Friday’s a healthy way to deal with my emotions.’ I grimace.
‘That’s fair,’ he laughs dryly. ‘But at least you were letting them out instead of forcing them back down.’
‘But I feel angry all the time,’ I protest weakly. ‘I get so angry.’
‘I’m sure you do.’ He smiles dryly, then nods at the journal.
‘But look at those examples of your anger. On Tuesday you say you wanted to throw the Wi-Fi router across the room and scream, but did you?’ I shake my head as he continues, ‘I’m not saying that would be the right way to vent your frustration, but you could’ve called the provider.
You could’ve taken a walk while it fixed itself.
You could’ve had lunch to distract yourself.
’ He pauses. ‘And then on Wednesday, you wrote that you were stuck behind a man at the fridge in an M a good thing.
Unless it’s not dealt with properly and it becomes destructive.
That’s when we lash out or make bad decisions.
You can hurt people who don’t deserve it. ’
‘Justin did deserve it!’ I say fiercely, and he nods.
‘Of course he did!’ he replies with certainty, and I feel a rush of new affection for him.
‘But do you ever find yourself lashing out at people who don’t deserve it?
’ I hesitate, not answering. But I think about how the only person I ever really snap at is Sam.
Who never ever deserves it. I think about swearing all over the anger journal.
That could be construed as me lashing out in the wrong direction again.
At Edward. When he’s actually been pretty nice.
He continues, ‘You have to understand the underlying feelings, so you can manage them going forward. So you can develop healthy coping mechanisms and gain clarity.’ He pauses. ‘So what else were you feeling when Justin ended things?’
I take a deep breath, my head spinning as I think back to that painful evening.
‘Humiliated,’ I admit after a moment. ‘Vulnerable. Rejected. Hurt. Sad.’ I start speaking faster.
‘Afraid, ashamed, guilty, weak, exposed.’ I look down at my hands – they’re shaking a little. ‘A thousand things, I guess.’
He leans forward. ‘Feeling angry is a lot easier than feeling those other emotions, isn’t it?
Fury can make you feel in control, at least temporarily.
’ I nod as he continues. ‘That’s why I thought the anger journal might be good for you.
It’s a safe space to write things down – to vent.
A constructive way to make sense of how you feel.
I want it to help you express, not repress.
And it could help you release some of that pent-up, self-harming rage. ’
‘Right,’ I say softly. Because it actually – horribly and embarrassingly – makes so much sense.
‘But, for the record,’ Edward smiles. ‘I really don’t think the problem was that one-off tantrum in the middle of the restaurant.’ He pauses. ‘I think the problem is that it was a one-off.’
I let this sink in.