Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
The Fonzies watched us warily as we approached. They didn’t appear aggressive, but I wasn’t going to trust that. I kept my body relaxed and casual. I noticed that Gideon, Candy and Tim did the same. We were coming in friendly. It was up to the Fonzies if we stayed that way.
Whatever was on the ground near their motorcycles was definitely bloody. Even though my eyesight was excellent, I wasn’t able to make out what was soaked in blood. The wild flowers got in the way.
“Don’t look big enough to be a body,” Candy Vargo said, barely moving her lips.
We were about two-hundred feet from the Fonzies. Immortals, if that’s what the Fonzies even were, had outstanding hearing and eyesight. We were taking no chances that they could lip read or overhear us.
“Looks like a small animal in pieces from here,” Gideon said softly. He, too, barely moved his mouth.
“Do you think it’s their dinner?” I asked with a wince.
“I’d be surprised if it was,” Tim added. “Arnold’s Drive-In serves excellent hamburgers and fries.”
His statement was so absurd, I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.
“Aaaaaay!” the Fonzies yelled with their thumbs up as we drew closer. “Aaaaaay!”
Candy yelled, “Aaaaaaay,” back. The Fonzies seemed to relax a little.
Gideon’s brow furrowed. “What language is that?”
“1950s American biker reimagined for primetime television,” Tim told him. “Just say it back.”
“Seriously?” I asked. We were here on a mission to get my daughter, Jennifer and Shitty Ritchie back. Hanging with the Fonzies wasn’t part of the plan.
Or, maybe it was. I’d realized quickly that in the Immortal world very little was coincidence.
“Aaaaaay!” Candy Vargo shouted again.
Gideon and Tim followed suit with half-hearted thumbs up and an “Aaaaaaay” that sounded more like a question than a greeting.
I felt ridiculous but...when in Fake Milwaukee... I shrugged and shouted, “Aaaaaay!”
We were answered with more rounds of Aaaaaays and double thumbs up from all three Fonzies. It was surreal.
“Aaaaaay!” the Fonzie on the right called out. “Any of you cool chicks or sharp dressed dudes have medical experience?”
“I’m sorry what?” I asked as we walked closer.
“I’m a doctor,” Gideon called out, giving the bikers another thumbs up.
Gideon was a lot of things. I still marveled that one of his hobbies over his long life had been racking up degrees. The Grim Reaper’s skill set was long. He had his law degree, he was a surgeon, a dog trainer and a chef to name a few of the occupations he’d held over the centuries.
“Excellent-amundo!” Fonzie One said. “We rode up on this mostly decapitated little dude and weren’t sure what to do. Whoa!”
“He lived fast and dying young, but he’s not leaving a good-lookin’ corpse,” Fonzie two added.
“Correct-amundo,” Three quipped.
I was no longer walking. I ran. I ran so fast I disappeared from sight for a moment. The Fonzies were impressed.
I was not. When I saw who they were talking about, I screamed.
The sound started low in my gut and came out with such force that I was sure I’d severed my vocal cords.
The sound that left my lips was inhuman.
My body felt hot and cold at the same time.
I closed my eyes and begged the Universe that I was mistaken and that this wasn’t real. Slowly, I opened them.
It was real—very real.
It wasn’t an animal on the ground in the pool of blood. It wasn’t the Fonzies’ dinner unless they were cannibals. And it wasn’t one of the bunnies that Candy had visualized.
It was Shitty Ritchie, and I had no idea if my little buddy was alive.
“No, no, no,” I cried out as I dropped to my knees and tried to gather up the tiny body parts that were strewn around in the grass. My eyes filled, and my tears made the awful picture in front of me blurry.
“Mother FUCKIN’ fucker,” Candy bellowed as she fell to her knees beside me. “Who did this?” she snarled at the taken aback Fonzies.
“Whoa!” Fonzie Two said, holding up his hands. “We’re pacifists. We found him like this.”
“Correct-amundo,” Fonzie Three said.
“Fuck,” Candy Vargo hissed.
Shitty Ritchie lay on the ground in pieces. One arm and one leg had been completely torn off. His tiny torso looked unharmed, but his head was hanging on by only a tendon. His adorably ugly face was ashen and his eyes were open and unseeing.
Tim gently took what was left of Shitty Ritchie’s body into his arms paying mind to his barely attached head and held him close. Tears ran down Tim’s cheeks as he tried to stem the flow of blood. It wasn’t working.
Gideon growled like an animal and checked the little man for a pulse. The Fonzies weren’t looking quite as cool as they had only moments ago. My gut told me they had nothing to do with this, but the Higher Power’s plane was always filled with horrid surprises.
“Back away,” I told the bikers.
They obeyed.
“Pulse?” Candy demanded of Gideon.
“Faint but there,” he answered tersely.
“If he was truly dead, I’d sense his ghost,” I whispered, doing my best to contain my emotions.
Candy let out a relieved sigh. “My guess is that the shite stain didn’t chew. Otherwise. he’d be a goner.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, not following.
“Later,” she said. “If his head’s attached—even barely, I might be able save his sorry ass.
Not sure, but I can try.” Candy pulled out a dagger and tossed it to Gideon.
“I’ve only got enough juice to reattach his fuckin’ head.
It’s gonna take some trickly mojo to connect that thing. I’m gonna need a new arm and a leg.”
“Wait. What?” I asked. “Can’t we secure Shitty Ritchie’s arm and leg that are already here?”
The Keeper of Fate shook her head. “Nope. Real people ain’t like ghosts. You can’t just glue ‘em back together. I need something that has some fuckin’ blood flowin’ through it.”
My stomach roiled. “Where the hell are you going to get a new arm and a leg that will fit Shitty Ritchie?”
She chuckled. “It ain’t gonna fit,” she said, taking a pale and barely alive Shitty Ritchie from Tim’s arms and laying him gently on the ground. “It will eventually, but the tiny turd is gonna look weird for a little while if he lives.”
“He has to live,” I ground out. “Save him.”
Candy Vargo leveled me with a hard stare for a beat then tossed Tim a different dagger. “Tim, give me an arm. Gideon cut off your leg.”
“Holy shit,” I muttered, feeling faint.
Candy Vargo could perform miracles. I’d seen her do it. It was nightmare inducing, and if she was about to do what I thought she was going to do, this would top everything I’d seen her do to date.
“I’m gonna Frankenstein this fucker back together,” she grunted. “Daisy, you’re gonna put the leg and arm in the right places after Gideon and Tim hand ‘em over.”
I just nodded. If I spoke, I’d puke.
“Cut ‘em off, fuckers,” she commanded. “I’m about to leave my body for a hot sec and won’t be able to boss you jackasses around.”
Tim didn’t miss a beat. He quickly removed his leather jacket and shirt. I watched in horror as he jammed the dagger into his shoulder and sliced. He meticulously removed his arm at the shoulder. I thought there was blood before…
Gideon wasn’t as delicate at Tim. After taking off his leather pants, he stabbed himself multiple times at his hip then literally yanked his leg off his body.
The sound was grotesque and something I wouldn’t forget for a long time.
I knew their appendages would grow back.
They were Immortal. I’d lost limbs in battle and they’d come back quickly.
However, I’d never ripped my own leg or arm off. I wasn’t sure I could.
The Fonzies were definitely not expecting this. The three of them turned a shade of green that looked like special effects in the movies. Hell, they looked like Shrek in leather.
“NOW,” Candy shouted as her eyes rolled back into her head and bright orange glitter burst in funnels all over the place.
Tim shoved his arm into my hands. Gideon handed me his leg. I turned off the part of my brain that was grossed out by what I was witnessing and did as I’d been told. Putting the leg and arm into position on Shitty Ritchie, I pressed them against the bleeding holes where his appendages used to be.
If this worked, I’d be traumatized. I was already traumatized, but I loved Shitty Ritchie more than I was repulsed by what was happening.
Candy Vargo began to chant. It was eerie and melodic.
Strangely, the Fonzies joined her. I curtly nodded my thanks and received three thumbs up in reply.
The wind picked up and the wild flowers danced like their sweetly scented lives depended on it.
Gideon squatted behind Candy on his one good leg and made sure she didn’t fall.
With his remaining arm, Tim helped me hold the body parts that we were attaching to Shitty Ritchie.
The little guy was going to look freaking crazy when Candy was done.
As Candy chanted, her magic grew stronger and brighter.
I was pretty sure I saw the Fonzies’ doing the Twist in my peripheral vision.
There was no time to confirm it. My attention was on my task.
The need to close my eyes against the glare of the Keeper of Fate’s magic was intense.
I didn’t. It felt as if I was staring into the sun.
Too bad, so sad. There was no way I was going to fail at my job.
It would be horrific if an arm ended up where and leg should be or vice versa.