Chapter 7 #2
He only had to consider it for two seconds. That was how much he wanted to increase his assets. “Deal!” he shouted.
“Do it and be quick,” I insisted, keeping my eyes wide open for the reason I came here in the first place. Fake Tom Hanks was still a no show. “And don’t make it so large that you can’t walk.”
“Good advice,” Shitty Ritchie said with a thumbs up. “I wish for a weenie that’s bigger than what I have but not so big that it drags on the floor when I’m in my birthday suit!”
“Kill me now,” I muttered as silver crystals rained down from above.
His shriek of delight when he peeked into his pants almost made me laugh.
“Would you like to see it?” he asked, pointing at his crotch.
“Never,” I said flatly.
“No worries, but it’s fabulous! Anyhoo, your turn, Daisy,” he announced, cupping his junk like it was the Holy Grail.
With one last glance around to make sure my wish hadn’t shown up, I went for it. “I wish the former Higher Power would join us for a chat.”
“DONE,” Shitty Ritchie squealed. “I wish that Fake Tom Hanks would appear. He may not have any cookies. Those are MINE.”
Again, the crystals arrived and with it…
the very pissed off person I’d come to see.
It no longer looked like Tom Hanks. It was in Its true form—eye-blindingly beautiful on the outside.
However, there was something off. The being was here, but small sections of Its body were transparent, showing how rancid It was on the inside.
It was very possible that the Higher Power was dead.
Not dead-dead as in Shitty Ritchie had chewed him into a gelatinous pulp, but dead as in ghostly dead.
I wasn’t sure. Unless I chose to let It out, there was no way to know for certain. Taking that risk wasn’t on the table right now. But, if It was now a ghost, the former Higher Power wasn’t a threat to anyone.
I was going to play it as if It was still alive. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
The horrible being vibrated with rage. Calling the thing Tom Hanks would no longer work. The real Tom Hanks was the nicest man in showbusiness. This thing was despicable.
“Where am I?” It ground out.
It was difficult to tell if I was being played or if It didn’t understand what had happened. The truth was easier to remember than lies. I’d stick to the truth… for now.
“In Shitty Ritchie’s mind,” I replied, watching It carefully.
It threw Its head back and laughed. The sound was eerie and bounced around the floorless room making me shiver.
“We shall leave this place now,” It demanded. “And you shall be punished.”
Even though I felt safe, being around It was unnerving. Old habits were hard to break. It was still terrifying.
“Not happening,” I said, holding the furious gaze of the being who’d created so much pain and suffering. “You know why you’re here.”
For the briefest of seconds, I saw confusion in Its expression. It was fleeting, but it was there. I had the upper hand.
It came back at me stronger. “I will destroy everything you hold dear,” It snarled. “Trust me on that.”
“Trust.” My voice was cold. My expression was hard. “Trust is the belief in reliability. It has to be earned. I’d have to say, you’re not a trustworthy person.”
Again, It laughed. The sound was a fraction less ominous than before.
“We’re going to talk,” I explained. “You have the chance to earn a few points if you’re agreeable.”
“You don’t make the rules, Angel of Mercy,” It bellowed. “I do.”
“Did,” I corrected. “Not now. Not here. You had your time. You blew it. It’s over.”
It leveled me with a glare so vicious that I heard Shitty Ritchie gasp. I felt like doing the same, but kept my expression schooled to neutral.
“Do you have a name?” I asked. It was a person. At one point I would guess It had a name. I couldn’t imagine it came out of the womb or got hatched with the name, Higher Power.
“That is none of your business,” It said, looking bored.
“You sure about that?” I shot back.
Its eyes narrowed. “Quite.”
I shrugged and smiled. “Give It a name,” I told Shitty Ritchie.
The little guy cackled. “Hmmm…” he said, tapping his pointer finger on his lips as he considered his options. “Cheese Dick is already taken. Maybe, we should call It, Goober.”
“I think not,” the thing snarled. “I am the Higher Power. You shall address me as such.”
“You used to be the Higher Power,” I reminded It. “You got eaten. If you don’t want Shitty Ritchie to name you, and I would recommend that you avoid that fate, tell me your name.”
“Eaten?” It shouted in disbelief. “I was EATEN?”
I’d been correct. It had no clue what had happened. “Yep. Eaten.”
“Eaten by what?” It demanded, still in denial.
“Me!” Shitty Ritchie announced with a giggle. “I ate you! And I would do it again, Goober.”
It screamed. The sound was blood curdling. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. The interior of Shitty Ritchie’s mind trembled. I spared a glance at my little cannibalistic buddy. He was fine—grinning like the idiot he was. Its fury might be chilling, but it couldn’t physically harm us.
It began to pace the floorless room in a state of furious agitation—muttering and cursing. It was fascinating to watch. I might represent compassion as the Angel of Mercy, but I felt no pity for the abomination coming to terms with what had happened.
“You lie,” It finally snapped.
“Do I?” I countered.
We stood in silence and stared at each other. With each passing moment, I felt less afraid. It, on the other hand, looked far less sure of Itself.
“Name?” I asked again.
“Higher,” It ground out.
“Nope.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes.
“Power,” It tried again.
“For real?” I asked. “I’m leaning towards Goober right now.”
“HP,” It hissed.
“Goober it is,” I said, totally over it. It had Its chance and screwed it up. “You snooze, you lose, Goober.”
“Fine,” It shouted. “I shall be henceforth known as Phoenix.”
“Interesting. Is that so you can rise from the ashes and kick ass?” I inquired with sarcasm dripping off of each word.
Its eyes became slits of ire. That used to terrify me. Not anymore.
“I take it Phoenix is a no-go?” It inquired in an icy tone.
“I’ll give you one more shot before it’s Goober,” I said.
The conversation was absurd, but I wasn’t wasting time. I’d stated that I’d only be gone for five minutes. It didn’t matter if we spent what felt like hours in Shitty Ritchie’s mind. In real time, I’d be back in five minutes.
“I shall be Zeus,” It announced.
“You shall be Goober,” I snapped, done.
“Fine,” It ground out through clenched teeth. “When I get out of here, I will make you regret it.”
Bingo. Goober was running on the assumption that It was still alive even though It got eaten. I didn’t think so due to the transparent parts of Its body, but I wasn’t going to share that nugget just yet.
“About that,” I said, walking over to the couch and sitting down. “There’s only one way out and Shitty Ritchie doesn’t defecate all that often.”
“I’m sorry, WHAT?” Goober roared.
“You heard me,” I said with a saccharine sweet smile. “Of course, if you’re helpful, there’s a chance my tiny buddy might take a laxative, but that’s all up to you, Goob.”
“You’re diabolical,” Goober hissed.
“Pot, kettle, black,” I shot back. “Also.” I checked my watch. “I’m in a time crunch. I have places to be and things to do.”
If a person could combust from being angry, Goober would be fumes of vapor right now.
It was time to play ball.
I stared at the despicable being that had been revered by the Immortal world for millions of years. Goober glared back. A sadness overwhelmed me. How had someone who had once been good turned out this way?
Was it simply the inevitability of living forever? Was every Immortal destined to crack over time? Like Clarissa had? Like Zadkiel had?
Why had Goober caged the rest of the Higher Power? Had It been pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes since the very beginning? Was Its ego that big?
I had questions for Goober. I wanted answers, but here, in the void, I had many ways of getting them.
Goober held the keys to me finding the other parts of Its triad and getting Jennifer and Alana Catherine back.
I knew It wouldn’t hand them over willingly.
Maybe if I bruised Its ego enough, It might give me the keys unwillingly.
I didn’t care how I got the information I’d came for.
I needed answers, and I would do what it took to get them.
“You were never meant to be the only one,” I said.
Goober’s expression showed shock for only a fraction of a second, but it was there.
“I know nothing of the nonsense you speak,” It said dismissively.
“Three,” I stated. “Three Higher Powers.”
It growled viciously at me. I’d hit a nerve.
“One,” It replied silkily. “Only one and that is me.”
I shrugged and chuckled. “Oh Goober! No need to lie anymore. I’ve met Cheese Dick. That one really doesn’t like you at all.”
“WHO?” Goober snarled. “What are you talking about?”
“You know, silly!” I said with a smile that didn’t reach my eyes. “Your buddy who you caged in the beginning. Cheese Dick is pissed and talking all kinds of shit on you.”
“LIES,” Goober bellowed.
“Nope,” Shitty Ritchie said with a giggle. “No lies. All true. Cheese Dick tried to decapitate me and failed. I ate you and survived Cheese Dick. SHITTY RITCHIE IS ALIVE AND HAS A HUGE DONG.”
I did a double take when I realized the tiny dumbass had his hand down his pants, checking out his new and improved junk. A stern look made him yank his hand out of his grundies and zip his lips.