Chapter 7 #3
I turned my focus back to Goober. Calling It Goober was ridiculous.
Calling the other one Cheese Dick was just as stupid.
It did bring a little second-grade boy humor to the situation, but I wanted their real names.
If Goober wasn’t going to be agreeable, I knew how to get them.
It was also possible that I could get all the information I needed by touching It.
Granted, It had lived since the beginning and I’d have a lot of history to sift through, but I didn’t care.
I’d come for information and I wasn’t going to leave without it.
“Hold my hand, Goober,” I told him, extending mine.
Goober was wary. It had no clue what was going on. We were in my territory now.
“I think not,” It snapped, backing away.
I shrugged. “Fine. Touching you isn’t appealing. It’s disgusting. I just figured you’d like to get out of here.”
It was torn. I wasn’t going to let It out yet… if ever, but that wasn’t for Goober to know. It had lied for centuries. Giving It back some of Its own medicine didn’t feel bad at all.
“You have no intention of letting me out,” Goober said, watching me as closely as I watched It.
“I’m out of here,” I said coldly. “I’m happy to leave you here for the rest of time. It’s rather fitting.”
“You need me,” It challenged, sounding desperate.
“Do I? Honestly, you’re suck a jerk, I’m not so sure.”
“Why would you be here if you didn’t need me?” Goober ground out harshly.
“Shitty Ritchie is getting bored,” the little dude announced with a mouthful of cookies and a sly wink at me. “I’d like to test out if my dong stays large back in the real world. I say we go and leave Goober here to rot.”
“Not a bad idea,” I replied. “Goober doesn’t seem to enjoy polite discourse.” I stood up and nodded to It. “I’d say it was lovely to see you, but it wasn’t. Good luck.”
“WAIT,” Goober bellowed. “I shall converse.”
“Agreeably?” I asked.
It looked as if It had swallowed a gallon of bile but nodded. “Somewhat.”
I sat back down. “Tell me your real name.”
Goober shook Its head. “Names have power. I will not disclose my name to you.”
“Boring,” Shitty Ritchie bitched.
I stood up again to leave. Goober didn’t like that.
“Ask me other questions,” Goober insisted. “I shall oblige.”
“Name the other two who were supposed to rule with you,” I said.
“No one was supposed to rule with me,” It answered flatly. “I am the supreme being.”
“Interesting,” I said. Had Goober lied to Itself for so long that It believe the bullshit? “That’s not what Cheese Dick said. It was very clear that there were three.”
“Cheese Dick LIES.”
I sat in silence and simply watched It. The range of emotions that It went through as It tried to figure out if I was serious would have been humorous if the stakes weren’t so high.
Pretending to be casual when I wanted to obliterate Goober was difficult.
Goober grew more agitated the longer I stayed mute.
This was a new game for Goober and the rules were unclear.
Finally, It cracked… a little. “What does this Cheese Dick look like?”
“You,” I replied. “Cheese Dick looks like you.”
Goober bared Its teeth at me. “More specific. If you want answers being vague will be your downfall.”
“Bells,” I said flatly. “Cheese Dick’s laugh sounded like tinkling bells.”
Goober’s expression went from irate to gob smacked.
“I’m dead?” It whispered, horrified.
I raised a brow. “You got eaten, Goober. What do you think?”
“Impossible,” It cried out, looking down at Its body.
“Nothing is impossible,” I said with a wink. “You just have to believe.”
Goober was still shocked and pissed. “That small cretin ate me? He ate me? The Higher Power?”
I raised a brow. “That small cretin is one third of the true Higher Power, and yes, he ate you because you’re an abomination.”
“Tasted terrible,” Shitty Ritchie chimed in with a gag.
Goober shook his head. He didn’t stop. For a moment I thought It might be having a seizure. Goob wasn’t having a seizure. It was just in such a state of disbelief, It didn’t know what to do.
When Goober finally got control over Itself, It walked over to an armchair and sat down.
It leaned forward and Its head dropped to Its hands.
Shitty Ritchie took a seat in the other arm chair.
Little man shoved cookies into his mouth as he watched the story unfold with glee.
I was on the couch. The scene was surreal.
“Chamuel,” Goober whispered. “Chamuel is the one you met.”
I glanced over at Shitty Ritchie. He shrugged. He’d clearly never heard the name. Not a huge surprise since he’d lived in a cave on the run from Goober his entire existence.
“How dangerous is Chamuel?” I asked, hoping Goober might shed some light.
Goober’s gaze rose slowly and pinned itself to mine. “You will need me to destroy Chamuel.”
“That’s rich,” I said with a laugh. “You got eaten by a person less than ten inches tall. Can’t really see how you’re all that and then some, Goob.”
“AND the person who ate you has an enormous dong,” Shitty Ritchie added.
I let it pass. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I felt a piece of paper. Oh my Hell. The questions. I’d forgotten about Tim’s questions. Before I could get a word out, Shitty Ritchie had what I could only call a psychotic break.
“YOU,” Shitty Ritchie shrieked. “You suck. Shitty Ritchie lived in fucking caves for millions of years because of you. I didn’t have ANY FRIENDS. None. So many times Shitty Ritchie tried to end himself.” The tiny dude was standing on his armchair and glowing like a fire work about to go off.
I wasn’t sure if he could cause a massive explosion in his own mind, but after the appearance of the sofa, chairs, cookies and dong, I didn’t know. Goober was as shocked as I was. Possibly more since the diatribe was directed at It.
“You’re disgusting,” Shitty Ritchie was on a roll.
Both of his middle fingers were extended and his tiny face was blood red with fury.
“You will tell us what we want to know, you motherfucker asshat. If you don’t, I will NOT drop the kids off at the pool until the end of time.
You can rot in my intestines, Goober. AND I will eat lots of blue cheese and garlic.
Shitty Ritchie is sick of this and I want to find Jennifer and Alana Catherine.
NOW. So, you will answer Daisy, or I will eat you again. ”
The silence was loaded. Shitty Ritchie promptly sat back down and continued to eat cookies as if nothing unusual had just occurred. I schooled my face to appear that I wasn’t at all alarmed at the bat-shit insane behavior of my comrade. Goober? Goober knew It was on very thin ice.
“Cheese Dick is Chamuel,” he repeated. “And the other…”
I waited. The names would be helpful, but I needed more.
“The other is Uriel,” he admitted, sounding hollow.
“You caged Chamuel and Uriel in the beginning so you could rule alone?”
Goober nodded. “It’s not that simple, but yes.”
I shook my head. Things were not adding up. “The Higher Power cannot be caged.”
Goober sighed dramatically. “Not by one. Only by two.”
“Not following.” Like Candy Vargo, I was too old to pretend I understood when I didn’t.
“Scum like you can’t comprehend greatness,” Goober said dismissively.
Shitty Ritchie didn’t like that. At all.
The tiny man went off for fifteen minutes straight in my defense.
He threatened to do things to Goober that would give me night and day terrors for a very long time.
Even Goober was horrified. After a graphically detailed description of peeling the skin from Goober’s body and inserting it into every orifice Goober owned, the tiny dude lost his mind.
When he dropped trou and mooned Goober, I freaked out thinking he was about to poop the abomination out.
Diving across the floorless room, I clapped Shitty Ritchie’s butt cheeks together with so much force it sounded like a gun shot.
Shitty Ritchie laughed like a loon when he realized what I thought he was going to do. He swore on his newly enhanced junk that he was just going to fart. And of course, he’d added that he’d enjoyed the spanking. To say I was appalled wouldn’t begin to cover it.
One, I couldn’t believe I’d touched his butt.
Two, I didn’t know why he thought farting on Goober was a good plan.
Three, we needed to get the hell out of here.
Pulling myself together took a few minutes. When I finally trusted that I wouldn’t scream, I turned and looked at Goober. He was still in the chair and still shell shocked.
“Vengeance,” I said. “Compassion. Logic.”
I waited for a reaction. I didn’t get one. I needed more than Goober was willing to give. However, he now was aware that he’d been eaten by Shitty Ritchie. He knew he was trapped. What he didn’t want to tell me today, he might give more freely later.
“We’re leaving,” I said, pointing at Shitty Ritchie. “You’re not, Goober.”
“You said if I gave you information I could leave,” It insisted, getting panicky.
I shook my head. “You kept far more than you gave, Goober. I’ll let you think about that for a bit.
Maybe if your ego hadn’t consumed you in the beginning, you could have ruled with Uriel and Chamuel and you’d still be the top dog.
But times change, dude. You were vengeance personified and it’s finally caught up with you. ”
Goober’s brows shot up. It was clear I’d hit a nerve. I had no clue what nerve that might be, but I needed to get back to Gideon, Candy Vargo and Tim. We had a little info. It was possible that the rest of the group could make more sense of it than Shitty Ritchie and I could.
“You will be back,” Goober bellowed. “You will set me free.”
I rolled my neck and sighed. “That’s not entirely up to me. It’s up to the true Higher Power. And until they’re safe, you’re fucked.”
I waited for a beat to see if It would say anything else. It didn’t.
Shitty Ritchie placed his little hand in mine and squeezed.
I smiled at him. He was nuts, but he was mine.
It was time to leave.
And we did.