Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
Gideon had communicated with Charlie and the Goddess Cecily through the Archangel Gabriel in the five minutes of real time Shitty Ritchie and I had been gone.
Alana Catherine and Jennifer had not come back.
Everyone was made aware that Shitty Ritchie was alive and with us.
Our people knew I was mind diving into Shitty Ritchie to try to reach Fake Tom Hanks.
Candy, Gideon, Tim and I had found far more than our friends, considering they’d found nothing yet.
On a hunch from the Keeper of Fate, everyone would continue on the path they were on at the moment, but would be on standby to back up whoever hit paydirt first.
“NO,” Shitty Ritchie cried out as he peeked into his pants. “It’s gone. I mean, not gone-gone, but gone.”
Candy, Gideon and Tim glanced over at me in confusion.
I held up my hands. “Don’t ask. Trust me on that.”
“Roger that, friend,” Tim said with a pained chuckle.
The field was slightly different than it was before I’d taken a trip into Shitty Ritchie’s mind. The riotous wild flowers, bunny rabbits and birds were still here, but there was the addition of four motorcycles.
It was my turn to look at Candy, Tim and Gideon in confusion. “Did the Fonzies come back?”
Candy shrugged. “Nope. Them bikes appeared out of nowhere right after you left. I’m guessin’ they’re for us.”
“To go where?” I asked.
Gideon shook his head. “Unclear.”
“Was hopin’ you’d be able to shed some light on that,” Candy added.
Walking over to the motorcycles, I ran my fingertips over the leather seats and hoped they’d tell me a secret. They didn’t.
“Talk, Daisy,” Gideon said, taking my hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze. “It’s possible we can figure it out together. Four minds are stronger than one.”
“Five. Five minds,” Shitty Ritchie reminded the group. “Shitty Ritchie has an excellent mind.”
“Debatable,” Candy muttered.
Gideon kissed the top of my head. “You’ve got this, and we’ve got you.”
“That’s what I’m hoping for,” I said leaning into his warm and grounding strength.
I spilled all the details, trying to leave nothing out.
Tim took copious notes. Candy went through a box and a half of toothpicks while I paced and spoke. Gideon stood as still as a statue and listened. Shitty Ritchie, realizing I wasn’t going to share the part about the dong deal, filled our friends in on that part of the adventure.
No one said much about that. There wasn’t much to say.
“Chamuel and Uriel,” Tim said, looking at his notes.
“The other two Higher Powers that Goober caged,” I confirmed.
Candy chuckled. “Gotta love that Shitty Ritchie named It Goober.”
“Thank you!” the little guy said with a shrill giggle. He was used to Candy handing him his ass for bad behavior. Getting a compliment from the Keeper of Fate was a biggie for him.
“Welcome,” Candy replied, then paused and scratched her head. “Somethin’ ain’t right, though. The Higher Power can’t be caged.”
“Yep,” I agreed. “When I reminded Goober about that, It said, ‘not by one, only by two.’”
“The fuck does that mean?” she grunted.
Gideon spoke up. “If we’re going for a literal translation, it could mean that Goober, which is wildly enjoyable to say, used the other two to trap each other at the same time. Meaning, both Chamuel and Uriel thought they were trapping the other to rule with Goober.”
“And Goober fucked both of ‘em over. Nuts,” Candy commented. “But we are talkin’ about egomaniacal asswipes.”
Tim was still clarifying facts. “So, Chamuel is the one who took our gals and almost decapitated Shitty Ritchie?”
“Correct,” I said. “I’m unsure if we should go after Chamuel or find Uriel to go after Chamuel.”
“Pretty safe to guess there ain’t no love lost between Chamuel and Uriel,” Candy said. “Especially if Gideon’s hypothesis is right.”
“Goober is an asshole,” Shitty Ritchie announced the obvious. “Cheese Dick is an asshole and Shitty Ritchie can safely deduce that Uranus is an asshole.”
Correcting his pronunciation would be useless. So, I didn’t. I laughed. It was impossible not to. The sound that left my lips kind of verged on hysterical laughter, but it was cathartic.
“This is interesting,” Tim said, paging through his notes at a quick clip. “Chamuel is widely considered to be the Angel of Compassion. Chamuel was committed to fostering love, empathy and emotional healing.”
“Coulda fooled me,” Shitty Ritchie mumbled. “Jackass tried to rip Shitty Ritchie’s head off.”
Candy Vargo walked over to the motorcycles and straddled one. “Them Higher Power fuckers were here long before any Angels,” she said, playing with the gears. “But, and it’s a big one, there’s a chance that Cheese Dick’s real name is Chamuel and then an Angel took it on later.”
“Because of what the name means?” Gideon asked.
“Possibly,” Candy answered. “I don’t think we’re dealin’ with Angels at all. I also don’t think Chamuel is compassionate, but who fuckin’ knows what Cheese Dick was like before the thing was caged for billions of years.”
“I agree that we’re not dealing with run of the mill Angels,” Gideon said. “However, we seem to be circling back to the puzzle pieces that were confounding us earlier.” He turned to Tim. “Tell me the meaning of the name Uriel.”
Tim smiled and nodded with approval. “My goodness, I have such smart friends! Uriel is known as the Angel of wisdom and enlightenment.”
“Logic,” I said. “Chamuel is compassion. Uriel is logic which means that Goober is vengeance.”
Shitty Ritchie raised his hand and bounced up and down. It reminded me of the moment right before he’d made the dong deal. If he ran in circles, I’d have to drop kick him.
“You got somethin’ to say that don’t have nothin’ to do with a wank?” Candy Vargo asked, squinting at him.
“Yes!”
“Then say it,” Tim told him with a smile. “You’re an important part of our friend group.”
“I am?” Shitty Ritchie asked, shocked.
“You are, friend,” Tim assured him. “The floor, or rather the grass, is yours.”
Shitty Ritchie preened with the praise. He did a few jazz squares then plopped himself down on a clump of pink and purple wild flowers. His goofy expression grew serious and it felt like I was looking at a different version of the little turd than I’d ever seen.
“Fonzie Three said vengeance, compassion and logic are balance. He said we don’t have it.
We’ve never had it. It stands to reason since Goober stole the birthrights of the other two Higher Powers.
If you follow that line of thinking, it would make sense why the Universe blessed Alana Catherine, Jennifer and Shitty Ritchie with the gifts to take their place. ”
Candy Vargo’s mouth was wide open. Tim’s eyes were huge. I was speechless. Gideon squatted down in the grass next to Shitty Ritchie and patted the tiny dude on the head.
“Keep going,” Gideon urged.
Shitty Ritchie gave Gideon a high five and did as requested.
“They said to find vengeance and it will lead us to compassion and logic. We found vengeance. Fuckin’ Goober is vengeance.
I say we dive back into my mind and beat the living shit out of Goober and make him tell us where compassion and logic are.
I would enjoy dismembering It, skinning It alive, flogging It with Its legs and shoving Its head up Its ass. ”
The brilliant Zen Shitty Ritchie was back to the batshit insane Shitty Ritchie. I realized in that moment, I adored both.
I scrunched my nose. “Not how it works,” I told him. “I don’t think we can beat the shit out of people in a mind dive.”
“Shitty Ritchie can,” he assured me. “Shitty Ritchie is a badass.”
“Well, I’ll be damned.” Candy Vargo slapped herself in the head and laughed. “I’m gonna say that Shitty Ritchie is vengeance. Them nut jobs at the diner said that the words vengeance, compassion and logic had three meanings. Right?”
“Right,” I said.
“It’s all in front of us,” she continued. “Three. Three Higher Powers. One is vengeance. One is compassion. One is logic. Together they work. Alone they fail.”
Gideon stood up. His eyes were glowing. “Shitty Ritchie is Goobers counterpart. Candy, didn’t you say that the Grumpys spoke of offing one’s counterpart to get the job done right?”
“I sure as fuck did,” she shouted. “And Shitty Ritchie already offed Goober! Hell to the yes!”
“I’m the man!” Shitty Ritchie screamed.
Candy tossed the little dummy about fifty feet into the air and caught him on the way back down. “You sure as fuck are.”
“Jennifer is compassion,” Tim said with an excited smile. “Chamuel’s counterpart.”
“Which makes Alana Catherine logic,” I said, feeling lightheaded. “Uriel’s counterpart.”
We were getting closer, but we were still far away. Knowledge was imperative, but action was necessary.
“Plan?” I asked.
“Not a clue!” Shitty Ritchie screamed as he walked around like he was drunk from the air toss. “I still think we should go back into my mind and beat the daylights out of Goober. And… if anyone would like it, I can eat Goober again. Shitty Ritchie is willing to take one for the team! YES!”
He was ignored. For being brilliant one moment, he was an idiot in the next.
“If we go off the advice from the Grumpys, that means Jennifer must end Chamuel and Alana Catherine must end Uriel,” Tim said with a concerned expression marring his face.
All of the elation I felt evaporated. There was a chance that Chamuel and Uriel already knew this.
There was also a chance they didn’t. Goober hadn’t seemed to know, and Goober had been in charge for billions of years.
However, Jennifer and Alana Catherine could be in a lot more danger than we’d thought.
The need to jump out of my skin was real.
Life just kept getting trickier and more deadly.
Gideon caught my mood in a big way. He was brooding and his eyes were sparking red fire. “Tim,” he said gruffly. “If names matter, tell me the Angel who represents vengeance.”
“Hemah,” Tim answered with confidence. “That’s the first one that came to my mind, so I’m sticking with it.”
“Hemah,” Shitty Ritchie ground out, back to the brilliant side of his clearly split personality. “Hemah. It will be surprised like Rumpelstiltskin when we next meet. If Its name has power, It has lost because I now know it. Its power is MINE. Shitty Ritchie is the MAN!”
“Umm… great,” I said, searching my heart and mind for the next move. Glancing around wildly, my eyes landed on the motorcycles. Not very much happened in our world for no reason. If the bikes were here, we were supposed to ride them.
“Motorcycles. Now,” I ordered.
I didn’t have to ask twice. Candy Vargo was already on hers.
Tim hopped on the bike to her right. Gideon straddled the one to her left.
I gifted myself the brief second to acknowledge how damned hot he looked on a motorcycle.
He was smoking hot. Instead of acting on the impulse of jumping the man and playing tonsil hockey, I grabbed Shitty Ritchie and plopped him onto the last bike and got on behind him.
Shitty Ritchie was the ultimate lady-boner killer.
“Where to?” Tim asked as he revved the engine.
“Let’s go…” I started then gasped as the bike took over.
The motorcycles, in perfect unison, took a left and zoomed into the fields. We might not know where we were going, but the engines under our butts sure did.
We were moving.
The goal was closer. Almost in sight.
I could feel it.
Nothing was impossible. Nothing. And I believed that with everything I had.