TRACK 04
PULL ME IN
DAV EN
Today is finally today. I’m so excited that I’m barely able to contain myself during the photo shoot.
Fortunately, everyone is so used to me being high strung that no one even pays attention to me bouncing on my toes for most of the day.
The few times Kyung does notice, we’re not alone so we do that silent communication thing that we’re good at when people are around.
Doesn’t help either that I had an iced coffee earlier.
Typically, those are banned from my diet for obvious reasons, but I definitely talked my hairdresser into sneaking me one at the start of the shoot.
She’s nice. I like her. We found out a few months ago that we’re related in some way like four generations out or something.
It might’ve been the reason that she risked it helping me even though she’d winced at first. I had to promise that I would sit still for them for the rest of the day, though.
As we’re leaving set, I find Kyung and bump my shoulder into his.
He smiles at me, knowingly, but there’s also something close to anxiety in his expression.
We’ve been friends since we were kids. We know each other’s tics, and I can tell that something is off.
I hate that I can’t tell what it is either.
I wasn’t lying to him yesterday when I said that I miss him.
I don’t even care if anyone would’ve heard me say it.
Even if I had to stand on a crowded street and scream it, I would’ve done it if it meant that he’d listen.
We’d played phone tag over the past few weeks.
Every time I’d call he’d be busy or I would be when he tried to call back.
People think that just because we’re in the same group that we’re always together, and it’s just not that way.
Maybe at first we were, but we all have different ambitions following the same path as each other.
Small side quests as Kyung would call it.
Going to talk to him yesterday, I didn’t intend to make him feel bad like he obviously did.
I just wanted to figure out what is going on.
Phone tag I understand. Him not texting me back, I don’t understand.
This withdrawn thing that he’s been pulling lately, but seemingly happy at the same time, I don’t understand.
Normally, when one of us starts withdrawing, it’s because of the pressure, or depression.
Both have happened to all of us. Some of us even more than once.
I glance over at Yoon Ji as we pile into the van.
He wasn’t in the best headspace when I left a few weeks ago.
He’s my next closest friend out of our members, and I felt bad for leaving him when I did.
I’d talked to him almost every day, though, and he seems to be doing better.
Albeit still a little sad. It’s caused him to drop some weight, too.
This is how we roll. We play different parts in each other’s lives depending on the day. Friend. Family. Therapist. Support system. We are all that we’ve got.
Switching my attention to Kyung, I watch him prop his chin on his hand as he looks out the window.
I’ve gotten the oddest feeling since I got back that he’s either met someone or forgotten that we’ve got his back without question.
Both make me sad on different levels. I really don’t know what I’ll do if I lose my best friend in any kind of capacity.
Slipping my earbuds in, I put on a high tempo beat song that I don’t really listen to, letting it calm me with the bouncing of my knee as we drive to our next stop.
A few hours later, I’ve just finished showering and throwing some clothes on when there’s a knock at my door. Kyung doesn’t wait for an answer like usual before he swings it open. “You ready?”
“Just,” I tell him as I slide a few of my beaded bracelets back on my wrist.
“Where are we going?” I ask him for what feels like the tenth time as we put our shoes out and walk out of the house. I didn’t even know how I should dress since he won’t tell me. The best I’d gotten out of him was to dress comfy and not in sweats.
“For a walk,” he finally answers, tucking his hands in the pockets of his hoodie after putting his mask on.
I follow suit with my mask, but leave my hands by my side. It’s weird just taking a walk with him. I can honestly say this is the first time we’ve ever done it. If he’s got free time, he’s normally gaming or something.
The movement helps with my hyperactivity and need to be doing something, but my brain is firing a lot faster than we’re walking. Plus, it doesn’t help that my curiosity has been burning a hole in my brain all day either. “Are you going to tell me your secret now?”
He nods, and glances over to me. “Do you ever feel like you get lost as a person inside our image?”
“Sure,” I tell him, not liking where this is heading, but prepared to stand by him. “Look who you’re talking to. I almost quit, remember? You were the one who talked me off that ledge. Do I need to do that for you right now?”
“I’m not on that ledge anymore, Dav En,” he admits. “I was. Right before you left. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want you to do something crazy like trying to cancel your schedule.”
“You’re not one to tell us when you’re feeling stuff, anyway,” I remind him. “I have to get you really drunk and pry it out of you. I was so caught up and didn’t even realize before I left.”
“Don’t feel bad,” he says, bumping shoulders with me. “Remember how I’ve always told you that everything happens for a reason?”
“Yep,” I answer, thinking about all the times he has in fact said those words to me.
I stop walking and turn to him. “What happened?”
He stops when I do, but he doesn’t face me. Instead, he keeps looking forward as a slow smile creeps up on his lips.
“Kyung?” A cautious voice calls out softly.
Jerking my head in the direction of the sound, I see a small figure walking towards us.
She looks like a Westerner only a little over half our height.
Dark brown hair falls around her shoulders.
Her bright green eyes are narrowed slightly in confusion.
She glances at me, but not in the way that most women do these days.
It’s not checking me out or in awe. There’s a spark of curiosity but more confusion than anything.
When she makes it to us, Kyung opens his arms and she steps into them easily. He takes off one side of his mask to lean down and drop a kiss on her lips. I’m glad that I’m still wearing mine, because my mouth has dropped open in surprise.
Kyung straightens but keeps an arm around her shoulders as he motions between us. “Dav En, this is Lizzy. Lizzy, this is Dav En.”
“Hi,” she says, surprising me even further by speaking in Korean. She glances up at Kyung, “This is not your dog.”
He laughs so hard that the other side of his mask falls off, forcing him to catch it before it hits the ground, but I’m not amused.
“Excuse me?” I say. “You thought I was a dog? What is even going on here?”
Kyung laughs again, but takes pity on us both. “I never said my friend was a dog, sunshine. Dav En, this is my reason.”
I hate that one of my theories was right, even if it’s not the worst one that crossed my mind. He goes on to explain how they met and the time they’ve spent together since I was gone.
My heart is racing, but I can’t figure out if it’s happiness for my friend, sadness for changes coming in our friendship, or anxiety because there might be a lot of people angry about this. It’s a lot to process all at once, but I need a solid answer on one thing. “So, are you guys a couple?”
“Yes,” Kyung nods, looking at me.
Taking a deep breath, I let it back out. I don’t want to bring up the problems this might cause in front of her. Especially when he just told me about his mental struggle. I decide to let the night play out. I will stand by my friend and his decisions. He won’t be taking this leap alone.
Kyung treats us to tteokbokki at one of the street vendors in our path as we walk.
We sit to eat and talk. She tells me about how she came to be here and why she’s stayed for so long.
Kyung and I get her to laughing, telling her stories from when we were kids.
When he says he felt a calling for being an idol, I confess that I only wanted to do it because he was.
The more I watch the two of them together and listen to the way that she talks, I see it. I can tell that Kyung’s feelings are real. It’s not a passing fancy that he used as a distraction from who we are. I also come to understand what he sees in her. She’s smart, nice, and so, so very pretty.
I tell Kyung this as we’re walking home hours later after we’ve said our goodbyes to her. “I like when you make her laugh.”
“So, you like her?” he asks.
“Of course, I do,” I answer. “You should know that if you like her then I would too. We haven’t been friends this long for nothing.”
“Mmm,” he nods with a smile at the ground.
“How much does she know about who you are, though?” I ask cautiously. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the brightest out of all of us, but I definitely picked up on the fact that who we are wasn’t discussed at all. Almost like we aren’t idols to her.
“She knows,” he says. “I told her that I didn’t want her doing a deep dive on us just yet. I wanted her to meet you and the rest of our members before the internet ruined her image of us.”
“That’s smart,” I tell him, tucking my hands in the pockets of my jacket. “So, when are you going to tell everyone else?”
“Soon,” he says. “We’re just always so busy. It’s going to be hard to drop something like this and expect everyone to accept it. Especially, Seong Su. He works himself into the ground. I don’t want to throw anything else at him until I’m sure that it’s not going to hurt us as a team.”
“Yeah,” I agree, then it hits me. “Hey, can I come back with you tomorrow?”
He chuckles, bumping into my shoulder. “You can come with me any time that you want to.”
I take his words to heart and join them every night for the rest of the week and the next one, too.
They never make me feel like the third wheel, including me in everything and all conversation.
When we get stuck out of town for another photo shoot, I find Kyung video chatting with her and say hi.
The next day is the first time that I don’t go with him to see her.
I’ve got to rerecord a section of a song in the studio, but I wouldn’t have gone even if I didn’t.
They might be inclusive, but I know that Kyung didn’t like being away from her.
Tonight should be just for them. Especially since he told me last night about their first time being recent.
I’m still slightly in shock that my best friend has a girlfriend.
Just thinking that makes me grin like an idiot, but then I have this inner fight with myself.
Am I happy because he’s got a girlfriend and is happy?
Or is it because she’s literally perfect?
There’s been more than once the last couple days that I’ve found myself smiling because I’m thinking about her.
The thought has me sitting in turmoil in my chair until he gets home late into the night. Seeing my door open and the light still on, when he gets home, he peeks his head inside. “Why are you still up so late?”
“I was waiting on you,” I confess, jumping right into what’s been bothering me for hours. “Is it normal to think about your best friend’s girlfriend all the time?”
He strolls into my room, pulling up the sleeves of his hoodie as he sits on the edge of my bed facing me. “I guess that really depends. How are you thinking about your best friend’s girlfriend?”
If there’s one thing that I will never do with Kyung its lie to him. At the risk of sounding completely crazy and having my time with him cut in half, I ask him. “How did you know that you like liked her?”
Instead of getting angry and yelling at me or giving me the silent treatment, I don’t know which would be worse, he seems to think on his words before touching his chest and telling me, “It was just a feeling right here that I can’t explain.”
He leans his head to the side until I bring my eyes up to his. “Do you like Lizzy?”
I drop my head into my hands not willing to answer him. There’s a rustle of fabric before his hands lock around my wrists, pulling my hands down so that he can see my eyes. “Answer me, Dav.”
Wincing, I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve never liked anyone before. But I’ve never felt like this before either.”
He lets me go and stands to his full height, but still doesn’t look angry like I expect. One side of his lips pulls up slightly as he looks down at me. “Do you get jealous seeing us together?”
“No,” I answer immediately without having to think about it, because I don’t. I get this unexplainable joy because I like seeing him happy with her.
Watching my face while his smile remains in place, he asks, “And how did you feel when you didn’t get to go tonight?”
This I think on before I answer, because it’s not something I considered in my jumble of confused thoughts.
“I’m glad that it was you because I knew that you missed her, and she didn’t have to be lonely again tonight.
I’ve been crashing your time for the past two weeks. You needed some time with her.”
“You weren’t jealous?” he asks. “Knowing that I was alone with her? Knowing that I slept with her?”
“Kyung,” I blurt, my tone louder and more scolding than I mean it to be. “Why do I feel like you’re trying to provoke me? My answer is still no.”
“Hmm,” he says, a different kind of smile tugging at his lips. “I wouldn’t have been jealous either if we’d have traded places tonight.”
My brows furrow, because I’m even more confused than when he walked in here. “What does that mean?”
He glances off to the side before walking out without another word, leaving me to call out, “Kyung, what does that mean?”
His door closes on my question as Jae-un’s voice booms from his room next to Kyung. “Shut up, Dav En.”
I don’t even care Jae-un is yelling at me.
It happens a lot actually, because it’s fair since I tend to be loud without realizing it sometimes.
Standing, I move to shut my door before turning off the light and crawling into bed.
I don’t like the feeling of having things unresolved before going to sleep, but it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get any kind of answer from Kyung tonight.
All I can hope is that my wandering thoughts don’t give me bad dreams.