29. Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Eli
Eli had known that keeping Ellen’s deteriorating health a secret would come back to bite him. If he’d known it would be so soon, he might’ve told Grace the second he’d realized something was wrong. Instead, he was forced to watch as Ellen explained to Grace that she didn’t have much time left.
Eli felt like an outsider inside Ellen’s bedroom.
While Ellen lay peacefully in bed with her husband and two children surrounding her, Eli stood in the corner and listened as the medic confessed there was nothing that could be done for Ellen’s condition.
Their only option was to ensure that she was comfortable in her last days.
“How long exactly?” Ben asked in a strained voice. It appeared even he was taken by surprise by the news. Had Ellen really kept it from her husband?
Eli shifted with guilt, realizing that he was likely the only person who had known something was wrong with Ellen. And he hadn’t spoken a word of it to Grace.
Grace…who now sat on the bed next to her mother with tear-filled eyes and pink, splotchy cheeks. As tumultuous as their relationship was, even Grace wasn’t ready to let her mother go.
The medic looked nervously at Ellen, and she nodded. “There’s no way of telling for certain. It could be a few days. Might be a few weeks.” He cleared his throat before continuing, “The chances of Ellen surviving for more than a month are slim, but not impossible.”
Ellen inhaled sharply but otherwise did not appear surprised by the statement. She reached for Grace’s hand to her right and Theo’s on her left. “Thank you,” she said, dismissing the medic.
Eli felt pulled to follow the medic out of the room, but before he could move, Ellen said, “Eli, could you fetch me a glass of water?”
Gladly, he thought. “Yes. I’ll be right back.”
Hurrying down the stairs, Eli made his way into the kitchen. He took his time finding a glass and filling it with water, not looking forward to returning to the somber room upstairs. But ultimately, Ellen needing a drink trumped his need to avoid the mourning family he didn’t belong to.
When he returned, Theo and Ben stood up to leave. Eli placed the cup on the stand beside Ellen’s bed and headed toward the door, assuming Ellen needed her rest, but she stopped him before he could get too far.
“Eli, stay.”
Grace, still holding her mother’s hand, stared at Eli for the first time since entering Ellen’s room. Her breath caught and Eli’s heart hammered, still riddled with guilt that he hadn’t told her sooner.
What difference would it have made? Ellen was sick either way. Grace would’ve faced this devastation regardless of how soon she’d found out.
His feeble attempts to ease his guilt were unsuccessful.
He pursed his lips and moved closer, sitting beside Grace on the edge of the bed.
“I was just about to share some advice with Grace before I go,” Ellen said.
“Mom,” Grace cried. “Don’t—”
“It’s the truth, honey. Don’t be scared and don’t worry about me. I’ve lived a good life with your father and you and your brother. I couldn’t have asked for more.”
Eli rubbed Grace’s back as she sniffed and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.
“I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but don’t ever doubt that I love you and only want what’s best for you.
I thought…I thought I was making the right decisions.
I was afraid of what an open rebellion would mean for you, so I pacified people when I shouldn’t have.
I turned the other way and ignored signs I shouldn’t have.
I thought compromise and collaboration were the answers.
I was determined to leave you with a stable society, to make things easy for you after I was gone, but I think… I think I was wrong.
“You’re so smart and compassionate and driven. No matter what happens in the future, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that you’re going to be just fine without me.”
Grace wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and let out a sob. “I’m not ready to do this without you.”
Ellen smiled. “Yes, you are. Your friends will be your support system, and your brother…and Eli.”
At this, Ellen nodded to Eli and for the first time, he felt like Ellen might’ve accepted a marriage between Grace and him. If only she’d been given more time.
“You’ll take care of her?” she asked.
Eli cleared his throat, the emotions of the conversation hitting him harder than he expected. “Of course.”
“Thank you.”
He watched as Ellen relaxed into the mattress, her eyes gently fluttering closed, her chest steadily rising and falling as she fell asleep. After a moment, he rose from his seat. “Are you ready?” he asked Grace. It had been a long day, and he was beyond exhausted.
“Give me a minute,” Grace said, not taking her eyes off her mother.
So Eli left her, grabbing his belongings, which were still abandoned by the door, and making his way to Grace’s bedroom. He had little to unpack, but he dug through one of his bags until he found a pair of shorts to sleep in. Then he found his toothbrush and prepared for bed.
By the time he was finished, Grace still hadn’t returned.
He climbed into bed, plagued with the image of Grace crying at her mother’s impending passing, wishing there was something he could do for her.
He knew what it was like to lose a parent—hell, he’d lost both of his—and he hated that she had to go through it too.
When the door to Grace’s bedroom finally creaked with movement, Eli’s eyes shot open. He must’ve fallen asleep and wasn’t sure for how long, but he sat up in bed and waited for Grace to join him.
First, she went into her bathroom and he heard the faucet and what sounded like clothing hitting the floor. When she emerged, she wore a thin silky tank top and matching shorts that clung to her curves. She wordlessly climbed into bed with him and sat staring at the far wall.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“No,” she said quietly. When she turned to face him, her eyes were puffy and pink, though she wasn’t crying anymore.
Eli pulled her in for a hug. “I’m so sorry, Grace.”
Her limp arms barely embraced him, but she leaned on his shoulder and he held her tighter. He’d summon strength for both of them.
“I feel like I lost out on so many years. So much time spent fighting with her over our differences in opinions and for what? In the end, none of it matters. She’ll be gone and I’ll be left with pain and regret.”
Eli brushed her hair with his hand, soothing her while giving her the shoulder she so desperately needed to cry on.
“She loved me…in her own way. I suppose that has to be enough.”
“I’m sorry she couldn’t love you in the way you wanted. But I believe her when she said she wants the best for you.”
“I know.” She cried against his bare skin. “I just wish she’d been honest with me. I would’ve understood if she’d explained her perspective. I want a stable society too, even if I don’t agree with what that looks like. If she’d told me the truth, we could’ve worked it out together.”
There was so much pain in her voice. It trembled with each word, and he felt her chest expand with a heavy breath. Her emphasis on knowing the truth especially pulled at his heart.
If she’d known…if he’d told her months ago after the first round of the Rite that her mother was sick… would it have made a difference? Would she have had time to make things right and work together with her mother instead of against her?
“Shit,” he muttered beneath his breath.
Grace heard him and tilted her head, still resting on his shoulder, but turned to see his face now. “What?”
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
She took another deep breath, preparing for another blow. And Eli hated that he was the one who wasn’t going to serve it.
“A couple months ago, I ran into your mother down in the study and something happened.”
Grace swallowed audibly before he continued.
“She had a dizzy spell and passed out. When she came around, she had me fetch her some medication. I wasn’t sure how serious it was at the time, and I told her she needed to tell you—”
Grace suddenly sat up. “You knew?”
Slowly, Eli nodded. “I knew something was wrong, yes. I just didn’t realize it was this bad. If I’d known…I would’ve told you, Grace. I never meant to keep it from you.”
“But you did.”
Eli felt as though his chest was being split open. Grace looked at him with hurt in her eyes. She didn’t seem angry, just devastated that he’d known and hadn’t shared with her. “I’m so sorry.”
He tried to pull her in against him, but she sat back farther on the mattress, creating a divide between them that ripped Eli’s heart out. His throat went dry as he searched for the right words. But the right words didn’t exist. The right time did, and that time was two months in the past.
“I should’ve told you sooner,” he choked out.
Grace nodded but remained speechless. So much grief. She’d been put through so much in the past few hours and she looked like she was nearing her breaking point. His ray of sunshine was losing her light, and he couldn’t help but blame himself for failing her.
“Grace…”
She held a hand up and closed her eyes, breathing deeply. “I need some time.”
The weight of the world landed on Eli’s shoulders, and he slumped over, his heart breaking. He’d do anything to take it back. To go back in time and be honest with her. How could he fix this?
Grace shifted and pulled the blanket over her legs, settling in for the night.
“Do you want me to leave?” Eli asked, praying she’d say no but knowing he’d find another place to sleep if that’s what she wanted.
She thought for a moment before answering. “No, you can stay.”
But she turned on her side, away from him, and Eli knew the conversation was over for tonight. He’d have to try again tomorrow to make amends. And the day after that. And the day after that.
He’d work every day to show her how much he cared for her. He would never keep the truth from her again. She was the most important person in his life, and he didn’t know if he could handle losing her.
His time with her was only beginning, and he was determined to spend many more years by her side, loving her and supporting her.
He clung to that future for dear life as he crawled under the covers beside her.
Even though he was so tired—physically, mentally and emotionally—it took Eli a long time to fall asleep.
He was too focused on the woman beside him, the hurt that he was unable to alleviate, that he’d added onto instead.
He was furious with himself. All he wanted to do was hold her and comfort her, but instead, he had to watch her suffer on her own.
At some point, fatigue finally got the best of him.
Hours later, when he woke, he immediately looked to his left to find Grace and plead for her forgiveness once again. Instead, he found an empty bed where she should’ve been.