30. Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty
Ali
Despite having such a late night, Ali woke up the next morning alert and restless. Her legs twitched beneath the weight of her blanket, but she tried to calm her nervous energy, afraid she might wake Nik.
Nik…who was still passed out to her left. He slept on his stomach with one arm bent beneath his cheek and the other at an odd angle on his side. The sight almost made Ali laugh. She’d never seen Nik drunk before, and last night had been more entertaining than she would’ve guessed.
Until everything went south and another attack was carried out in Berland. She knew little about what had happened since she’d been taking care of Nik, but it seemed serious. As a council member, she knew she should report for duty early today, but her body rebelled.
Although her mind was racing with the energy of a full-grown mare, her heavy limbs requested that she stay in bed and take it easy. It was like her body and brain couldn’t get on the same page. Ever since her loss, it had been hard to regulate her emotions and thoughts. She felt out of control.
Her heart began to ache, seemingly out of nowhere, but she was familiar with this course—the one that took her down a dark path where her chest felt like it was caving in and hope was out of reach. She pinched her eyes closed and breathed deeply, wishing for it to go away.
She wrapped her arms tightly around her chest, heart beating wildly. She hated how these bouts of overwhelming emotions hit her out of the blue sometimes. While she concentrated on her breathing, tears welled in the corners of her eyes, spilling down her cheeks.
She had every right to be emotional. After losing her child, no one could fault her for having hard days. But that didn’t stop her from being angry with herself. She wanted to be stronger than this. She didn’t want to lean on people or need anyone’s help.
But it was inevitable.
She opened her eyes again, still clutching at her beating heart, though it began to slow. Her tears flowed freely though, and she turned to her side, curling into a ball.
The room went dark, and there was a buzzing in her ears. She felt as though she might be sick.
She was faintly aware of something… a hand touching her back, moving in slow circles.
“Ali, look at me,” Nik said. She could hear the concern in his voice but couldn’t bring herself to turn around and face him. In fact, her body felt entirely drained of energy and she couldn’t move her limbs if she tried.
Nik’s hand slipped under her shirt, and he continued to rub her back gently. Her vision was still clouded, but she sensed his body hovering close to her, waiting for her to look at him.
Another wave of nausea rolled over her, and she tensed. Taking slow, deep breaths, she felt the pressure ease from her head and stomach. With a small shiver, she realized she’d been sweating.
Nik’s voice broke through the white noise humming in her ears. “Ali, are you with me?” His voice shook a little, and she wondered how long he’d been whispering in her ear, waiting for her to respond.
“Yes,” she said softly. “I’m okay.”
She was far from it, but if she said it enough, she figured she’d eventually be okay with it all. With losing her mom, almost losing Eli, losing her baby…
She licked her lips and tasted salty tears, numbly wiping them away. “Can you get me a glass of water?” she asked, needing a moment to collect herself.
“Of course,” Nik said. The bed shifted from the loss of his weight.
Ali blinked away any remaining tears and used the blanket to dry her face. By the time Nik returned with her water, the tears were gone, though her cheeks still felt hot to the touch.
“Here you go,” he said, handing her a mug of tea rather than the water she’d requested. He’d made the right call, as the steam helped clear her sinuses and soothe her inflamed chest.
“Thank you.”
Nik climbed back into bed with her. She could sense him staring, but she waited, taking a few more sips of tea, before she turned to face him. Worry was etched over every facet of his face.
“I’m fine,” she said, but the words fell flat.
“I’ve told you before, you don’t need to mask your emotions with me. If anyone understands, it’s me. Lean on me, sweetheart.”
She knew he meant it figuratively, but she scooted closer and actually leaned on his shoulder, nestling against his warm body.
“I’m a mess,” she admitted. “One day I feel normal, or at least close to it, and the next I’m waking up in a cold sweat, unable to breathe. Is this what it will always feel like?”
Nik sighed. “I wish I knew.”
“I feel weak. Like I should’ve been taking care of you today, after the night you had, but once again you’re coddling me because I can’t cope.” More tears begin to form, which only made her angrier.
“You can’t compare our ways of dealing with tragedy, Ali. You are strong, even if your strength looks different than mine. You’re one of the strongest people I know—to go through so much and still be standing. I’m in awe of you.”
Ali sniffled and gazed up into his eyes. If only she could see herself the way he did. Strong and resilient. Capable of taking on anything. Maybe one day she’d feel the kind of unwavering fortitude that she saw in him. “I hate that you’re always the one taking care of me.”
“I don’t,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “I want to take care of you for the rest of our lives. And one day, I’m going to take care of our babies too.”
She smiled. “Babies? As in plural?”
“Yes, Ali. You and I are going to have lots of babies. We’re going to have a family full of love. They’ll have my charm and good looks, and they’ll have your big heart and generosity.”
Her smile turned into a short laugh. “Will they have your arrogance too?”
“One can only hope,” he said without missing a beat.
Together, they snuggled back under the covers, Nik’s arms wrapped around Ali in an embrace that she could only describe as protective and healing. It wasn’t long before she fell back asleep, exhausted from the brief anxiety attack.
When Ali woke again, it was to an empty bed. She sat up slowly and looked around for Nik. When she didn’t hear him moving about in the kitchen or hear the shower running, she got out of bed and wrapped a robe around her body.
“Nik?” she called. She rubbed her tired eyes and tried to figure out what time of day it was. Mid-afternoon, if she had to guess. She couldn’t believe she’d slept that long, but her body must’ve needed it.
“Where are you?” she called again, looking inside the bathroom to find it empty. Maybe he’d gone out for a run. It was something he did whenever he needed to release his frustration and grief.
Settling on the belief that he’d be back soon, Ali found the mug of lukewarm tea next to the bed and went to make a fresh cup. While the kettle warmed on the stove, she rinsed out the old dregs until her mug was pristine again.
The door slowly creaked open and Ali spun around, catching sight of Nik stealthily returning home.
When he noticed her watching, he stood straight and walked inside as if there was nothing abnormal about his entrance.
“I thought you might still be asleep and didn’t want to wake you,” he offered as an explanation.
Ali nodded and returned her attention to the now whistling kettle. She removed it from the heat and was about to pour it over her loose-leaf tea when another voice captured her attention.
“I hope there’s enough for all of us,” Grace said.
Ali looked over her shoulder to find Grace along with Heather and Amaya standing at her door. Grace was holding a basket of fabric in every color, while Heather held a brown leather bag that appeared heavy. Amaya, however, held nothing but the pinky fingers of two little girls, Julia and Kaydence.
The small party entered the room, making the quaint kitchen feel even tinier. But Ali beamed, thrilled to see their home full of love. She bent down to the girls’ level. “What are you doing here?”
Kaydence hid her smile behind a tiny hand while Julia rocked back and forth on her feet, peering around as though she’d just stepped into a magical portal.
Her eyes roved the room, taking in every nook and cranny with a look of bewilderment.
Ali forgot what it was like to enter one of these units for the first time, being amazed at the convenience and comfort hidden in simplicity.
She wondered how different it was from their current lodging with Ms. Carpenter.
Grace spoke on their behalf. “We were just in the area, burdened by these extra dresses”—she jostled the basket of fabric in her hands—“and Heather’s incessant need to fix people’s hair. Thought maybe you’d like to join in on the fun.”
Ali knew better than that. Nik had clearly sought them out to boost her mood. And after watching Kaydence eye the basket of dresses with curiosity, she was certain he knew just how to cheer her up. “Well, let’s get started then.”
Nik left the room, making some excuse about needing to find something, but Ali knew he really just wanted to get out of the crowded room of women. Julia and Kaydence eagerly ran toward the bed and hopped up, Julia bouncing a few extra times while Kaydence waited patiently.
Heather started first, pulling out all sorts of brushes and sprays and instruments from her leather bag. She brought over a chair from the dining area and gestured for Kaydence to have a seat. One look at the pair of scissors in Heather’s hands and Kaydence frowned, her eyes growing wide.
“What kind of hairstyle would you like?” Heather asked sweetly, doing her best to ease Kaydence’s fears. “We could cut it short to your shoulders, or I can just trim it and keep it really long like a princess.”
“I wanna be a princess,” Kaydence said confidently. She rushed from the bed to the chair in a flash, leaving the adults full of joy. The girls brought such light and happiness to the room. It was hard to be sad while they were around.