Chapter 17 Gracie #2
“There was always a plan.” He twists a silver ring, one of four he wears between both hands.
This one has a pale stone set into it that makes me think of Darius’ eyes filled with stars.
“You were a child when I found you. Far too young to claim as a fae bride. I knew you were born from two witch lines, but I never was able to find out more about your parents. Darius and I, we wanted you to have as normal a life as possible. Your father didn’t even know what you were back then.
He would not have responded well to either of us showing up on his doorstep.
We knew that the reality of what you were would be introduced to him in time.
We decided to take those years to lay the groundwork for our exit from the family. ”
“You said that much the other night,” I mutter.
“Gracie, I know this version of myself isn’t the best I can be. I am… Painfully aware of my faults. You’ve only known me a few years. But I have been preparing to meet you for decades. I’m well aware of my obsession.”
“Obsession? Puck, sometimes I wasn’t even sure if you liked me.”
He stares at the ground and rolls his lips between his teeth, biting them.
“I’m sorry. Being open, showing emotion, and letting you in are…
It’s difficult, Gracie. That’s not the fae way.
Everything is a composed mask. You keep everyone at arm’s length…
There’s a part of me that worries you’ll become afraid of me. You’d have good reason to.”
“I’m not afraid of Ezra or Vyslan. Are you more powerful than they are?”
He rolls his eyes and flops back. “Darius says they’re stronger than I am, but sometimes I wonder if he says shit to get under my skin.”
I’m so tuned into my own feelings, my face stony, so I hope I don’t give away the fact that his brother is totally yanking his chain there. Maybe it’s wrong, but I really don’t want to see what the collateral damage would be with a three-way pissing contest between Vyslan, Ezra, and Puck.
“Why would I be afraid of you when you’ve given me no reason to be physically afraid?”
“Physically afraid?” he parrots back at me.
“Yeah. Puck, I’m not scared you’re going to suddenly flip a switch and drain me of my blood to juggle… I don’t know. Blood knives or something.”
“Juggling? Blood knives? What?”
“Okay, not juggling or blood knives. Not the point. I’m not physically scared of you.
But twice now you have left me. You have done the one thing that hurts me the most. How can I honestly trust you won’t do it again?
I’m scared you’ll break my heart again. I’m scared you’ll make me feel small and helpless and less than. Again.”
He stares at me, lips parted, and blinks several times. It’s like he never connected the dots.
I lick my lips and continue when he doesn’t have a comment.
“I like to think I’m well-adjusted. I like to think it doesn’t matter that my egg maker and sperm donor weren’t part of my life, but the truth I can’t ignore is that the things I fear the most relate back to them.
I have abandonment issues, Puck. And you’ve ripped those wide open.
The lying and being you and Darius? I can deal with that.
I can understand it. But the disrespect and abandonment? I don’t know.”
“I… I never saw it like that,” he says. “I never abandoned you. I just—”
“You just left for a year and a half?” I shrug and let my hands flop in my lap.
“I get that to you eighteen months isn’t much, but that’s a long fucking time to me.
Six months is a heck of a long time to ghost me, Puck.
At least the first time you occasionally reached out to let me know you were thinking about me.
I get that there were other things going on.
That it was necessary. But at what point do you respect me enough to trust me?
And I’m not saying you have to tell me everything.
I am aware enough to understand that there’s probably more going on than is safe for me to know.
You’re someone with a lot of cultural significance riding on your shoulders.
That comes with… I don’t know. Baggage? But…
Puck? Couldn’t you have sat me down and said there was something you have to do, you don’t know how long it’ll take, but you’re coming back? ”
He nods slowly. “Yes.”
“Okay. So… Why didn’t you?”
He lifts his shoulders and rubs his palms together.
“Because when I’m with you… I don’t always know where that line is.
Gracie, I don’t know why you can’t feel it, but this is fate.
I can feel it singing in my bones. I think a side effect of what our parents did to Darius and me, I think it wired me differently.
I don’t want a relationship like other fae.
I don’t want it to be transactional. I care nothing for power, or glory, or unifying the courts.
I want to be with you. I want to take care of you. I want us to be a team.”
“And where does Darius fit into this?”
“With us, of course.”
“Do you mean that? Because you keep talking about wanting me to yourself, and things aren’t lining up.”
He pushes to his feet and walks around to stand behind the sofa, hands braced on the bookcase. “I’m jealous. Yes, I want you all to myself. Is that what you want me to admit? That I’m a shit brother sometimes?”
“No, Puck. No. I want to understand what you’re thinking and where you’re coming from. Jealousy is natural. It’s normal. I don’t expect you to not feel it. That’s totally unreasonable. But I do expect you to not be a shit about it.”
“I’m not proud of the fact that sometimes I think about keeping you to myself. But I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t do that to Darius. He’s too good for this world. He… He probably deserves you more than I do.”
“And what do I deserve?” We haven’t untangled things, yet I’m pushing ahead.
“Do I deserve to have you make me feel like I have to choose between you and the others? You know what witch culture is like. You know women take multiple husbands. You knew who they would be. You probably even knew who Ezra would be to me when you saw him, but you’re acting like I should pick. How is that fair?”
He turns and paces behind the sofa, back and forth without speaking.
Puck was the favored son. The one hand-picked by his family. They stacked his shoulders with their burdens, but I suspect they showered him with gifts, too. Always a double-edged sword that cut him as much as it served him.
He’s not used to sharing. He’s not used to being denied.
“You know the binding with Luc can’t be undone,” I say.
“He’s not a problem.”
I nod. I’d gathered as much. The fact that Luciu’s power is less than the three overpowered men makes him a non-threat in Puck’s eyes, along with the fact our binding is unbalanced. All of this is acceptable because he’s assessing us as if we were fae.
Ah.
That’s it, then. And likely the reason Darius is yanking Puck’s chain.
So long as Puck believes he’s not the most powerful, he doesn’t see himself as the de facto leader of this family. But I need to confirm this theory.
“Then the problem is Vyslan and Ezra?” I ask.
He stops and whirls to face me. “They could hurt you, Gracie.”
The way his face creases and the wide eyes? He believes it. Puck is genuinely worried about my safety. I don’t think he’s realized this is basically a dick-measuring contest. And if we’re talking dicks, Vyslan will put them all to shame. It’s a simple fact.
“Tell me, can fated mates hurt each other?” I ask.
“No.” He scowls and shakes his head before pausing, “Well, not the sane ones.”
That makes me chuckle. “If Darius says this is fate, then…”
“The bonds aren’t there. For some reason, the mate bond isn’t snapping into place.
I’d hoped having Darius here would help.
That you’d feel it, too. But… You don’t.
I talked to Briella,, and she wonders if the pain is perhaps blocking it.
But I don’t know. If they are also your mates?
Well, that would be remarkable. Two mates is statistically improbable. But six?”
“Improbable isn’t impossible. I can’t begin to wrap my head around mates.” I shake my head. My concerns are still far too small by comparison. “I’m still… I’m still struggling to feel worthy. You left me. What’s to stop all of you from leaving me?”
“Gracie…” His face falls, and he comes around the sofa to sit next to me.
His hand hovers in the air before settling on my knee with a firm grasp.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I… I didn’t think how the duration of our separation would hurt you.
It never entered my mind. I was focused on what came next.
I suppose I bought into the visions a little too much… ”
“Puck, what we had wasn’t healthy. I was constantly afraid that if I said or did the wrong thing, you’d leave me.
You didn’t do anything to make me feel that way.
I want to be clear about that. It was my head getting in the way.
I’m too young. Too fat. Too unimportant.
So I let you be in charge all the time because I was scared to do or say anything that would push you away.
That’s not a good way to be with someone you supposedly love. ”
“I didn’t…” His mouth hangs open, and he stares at me. “I had no idea…”
“I know. And you’re not responsible for the stuff I was thinking.
You can, however, blame Vyslan for the backbone.
I’m still adjusting to it. He got me to be more honest about what I want.
Puck? I can see where you’re coming from.
I get why you’re scared. I can even understand why you made the choices you did.
But we’re all going to have to grow in uncomfortable ways if this is going to work.
And for me, I can’t make myself small again. ”
He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses the same spot four, maybe six times, quickly.