Chapter 18
KYRA
Kyra put down her phone and wrestled with the strange feeling of having woken up from a dream.
It felt like it had been years since she had last spoken to Adam, even though it had been less than two months.
Aside from the pregnancy, her life had almost gone back to some version of normal.
Then he called, and the change she once welcomed and now dreaded came flooding back without any kind of a warning. What was she supposed to do?
Luckily, her instincts kicked in and she was able to put on her customer-service personality and talk to him like she couldn’t be happier that he had called.
For a moment, there had been some hope that he would finally give her an explanation, maybe even an apology.
But he’d quickly let her know that wasn’t a reasonable hope.
Of course he hadn’t called to give her any kind of closure.
He’d reopened the wound that had only begun to heal.
She supposed having a crib made by the baby’s father would be a good thing.
In the future, she could tell her child all about how their father loved them enough to make this crib.
It would be a sweet story, without all the drama and angst that might be found in a more accurate version.
This way, at least, the child would know they were loved by both parents, even if their father couldn’t necessarily be there for them.
“Who was that?” Jasmine asked from the hall. Kyra was sure she already knew based on the conversation she likely overheard, but she was asking to be more polite about it.
“Adam,” Kyra answered. “He finished a crib he’s been making and wanted to know if I could pick it up on Friday.”
“A crib?” Jasmine popped her head into the room. “No kidding! You didn’t tell me he was making a crib. Well, I guess that’s a sweet gesture. Why do you look unhappy about it?”
Kyra sighed. “Because it isn’t a crib I want from him.”
Jasmine sat at the foot of the bed and made herself comfortable in the spare room, clearly ready for a conversation. “What is it you do want from him?”
“I don’t know.” Kyra sat next to her mother and lay back on the bed.
“I guess I was hoping he would treat me the way he did before. I mean, he was always distant, but I never got the impression he had anything other than respect for me. Now, I feel like… he just sees me as a walking, talking regret. He wants to see and think about me as little as possible.”
Her mom lay back next to her. “Are you sure that’s all you want from him?”
“There’s a difference between what I’d ideally want from him and what I can reasonably expect to get,” Kyra said. “I assured him I didn’t need him to be any kind of father, and I meant it. But he doesn’t have to treat me like something gross stuck to his shoe, you know?”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s not that bad. There’s probably a misunderstanding.
” Jasmine rolled onto her side to face Kyra.
“Listen to your mother now. I’ve been around the block a few times, and I happen to know a little something about proud men.
Most of them are just scared. They don’t feel like they can let it show because they’ve been taught they have to be strong all the time.
So when they get scared, and it’s too much to hide, they withdraw. ”
Kyra turned onto her side and looked her mother in the eyes. “Adam doesn’t get scared. He gets angry.”
“Honey, no man who spent his free time making a crib from scratch is all that angry.”
“You don’t know him,” Kyra said.
“I don’t have to.” Jasmine held her daughter’s hand tightly.
“Here’s what we’ll do. I’ll go pick up the crib on Friday, so you don’t have to have that confrontation.
Then I’ll make sure he knows that he’s welcome to call or visit any time.
Maybe I can smooth things over between the two of you by showing him that I’m going to be involved, so he doesn’t have to worry. ”
Kyra shook her head. “You know I love you, Mom, and I appreciate your offer so much. But I think this is something I have to do. If I don’t talk to him, I’ll always wonder what he would have said. I’m going to go and say what I need to say and be done with it.”
“Do you need me to come with you?” Jasmine asked.
“No.” Kyra pushed herself to a sitting position, and her mom did too.
“I think it’s important to do this one on my own.
But thank you. I’ll say everything there is left to say and then let go.
Even if all I get is closure, at least when I have this baby, things will be settled and I can focus on being the best mom I can. ”
“All right, honey,” Jasmine said, finally getting back to her feet. “That sounds like a good plan. I’ll be here when you get back. Remember I’m always here for you, OK?”
Kyra reached out and hugged her mom tight. She had no idea what she would have done without the support her mother offered. And she realized that she was going to be that person to someone very soon. “I hope I’m as good a mom as you are,” she said, squeezing her mother tight.
“Oh, I know you will be,” Jasmine said. “I have no doubt you’re going to be a natural.”
For the entire drive up to the ranch, Kyra rehearsed what she wanted to say to Adam.
She tweaked and reworded it over and over again.
If he couldn’t see how he could still be in the child’s life without being a conventional father, Kyra had some ideas to offer.
She was willing to treat him like a good friend.
The kid could call him Uncle Adam, and he’d play that kind of role.
It would enable him to enjoy watching his child grow up, spoil them whenever it was convenient, but he wouldn’t have to deal with the fear of being a father figure to anyone.
All she would ask for was the same respect he’d given her before the pregnancy, before they slept together even.
She wanted to be thought of as a person, not a mistake, and that was all she planned to ask of him.
It wasn’t too much to ask, was it? So why had she felt so nervous all morning?
She’d gotten herself so worked up that her stomach hurt, but she refused to chicken out.
How would she live with herself if she couldn’t even bring herself to face the father of her child?
All she planned to do was tell him exactly what he probably wanted to hear.
He ought to be grateful. He was being absolved of responsibility and all the unpleasant duties that went along with fatherhood. All that was left were the fun bits.
She nodded to herself as she formulated the exact wording she would use to explain this to him. Then she turned the radio on and tried not to think about it anymore until she got where she needed to be.
When she finally pulled onto the ranch, her whole body reacted to the sight of it.
She had done her best not to think about all the memories she was leaving behind the day she’d left, but now they were all flooding her thoughts, overwhelming her until her hands started shaking and her stomach clenched.
She told herself to breathe and got out of the car.
All she had to do was take care of this quickly, say what needed to be said, collect the crib, and then say goodbye. It should be easy, but it wasn’t.
Things got even less straightforward when Adam finally made his way out of the main house.
He was even more handsome than she remembered, tall and strong, rugged-looking with a perfect length of stubble on his chin.
He was exactly her type, which was probably the reason she was in this unfortunate situation to begin with.
“Kyra,” he greeted her as she stepped out of her car. After she closed the door behind her, he gave her an appraising look that she wasn’t sure whether she appreciated. “You look well,” he said. “How have you been?”
So it was to be the most basic small talk, was it? She wasn’t sure why she had expected anything else. “I’m fine,” she said, playing along. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been all right.” He offered her a hand, but she refused to take it. After a second or two, he gave up and said, “Follow me. It’s in here.”
She already knew it was in the garage, but again, she played along.
As much as she had rehearsed the things she wanted to say to him on the way here, the sight of him seemed to drive every word from her mind.
She couldn’t remember any of it. Her thoughts were a complete blank when it came to anything other than how badly she wanted to wrap her arms around him and beg him to take her back.
Of course, that would be a huge mistake, so she resorted to following at a distance and pretending not to care.
As soon as she saw the crib, though, all her determination to keep a cool head went out the proverbial window.
“Oh, my gosh! Look at this!” She rushed in to see it up close.
“How beautiful is this!” It really was gorgeous.
Not only was it a sturdy, hand-made crib, with vintage-looking rockers, but beautiful relief patterns had been carved into the head and foot of it.
“I didn’t know you were this good at woodworking,” she said.
Adam crossed his arms over his chest. He looked proud of his work, and she thought he had every right to be. “Do you like it?”
She laughed. “Can’t you tell? It really is wonderful.” She ran her hands along the reliefs, which had been painted with green and pink flowers over the yellow background. “Thank you so much. I’m not sure it’ll fit in my car though.”
“Sure it will,” Adam said. “I measured it while I was making it. Any part that wouldn’t fit is easily removable. You can reassemble it when you get it home.”
“You think of everything,” Kyra said. She couldn’t help smiling at him.
He really was a thoughtful, talented man, and she was more than a little depressed that their relationship had come to this awkward almost-friendship when it could have been so much more.
Why he thought he would make a terrible father was way beyond her.
“I love it.” She stood and turned to him.
“Thank you so much. It’ll be a good keepsake for the family, too.
” What she didn’t say was, if only you were going to be part of it.
She wanted to, but she knew it would not go over well.
He started telling her all about the process of making the crib, going into a lot of unnecessary detail.
She could tell there was something more he wanted to say, but he was too afraid to come right out and say it.
She couldn’t blame him. There was something she was afraid to say, too.
The more she thought about saying all those things she’d rehearsed, the worse her stomach felt.
While he was talking, he started unscrewing the legs and rocker, preparing to fit it into Kyra’s car, and she backed against the wall so she could prop herself up.
Her back was hurting. A lot of things were hurting, actually.
She knew she had more to say to him, but she still didn’t know how to bring it up.
If she started talking out of the blue, wouldn’t it sound like some kind of sermon or a list of demands?
She couldn’t see it going over well, and he looked so cute carefully disassembling the crib he’d built for her.
For her and their baby. How could she express any kind of dissatisfaction now?
A pang of what was probably anxiety-induced stomach-ache made her groan, and Adam spun around to see her crouched against the wall of the garage. “Are you OK?” he said, looking truly worried.
“Yeah.” She waved off his concern. “It’s probably gas or something.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re not sick, are you?”
She tried to push herself back to her feet but faltered, and Adam rushed over to help her. “There’s no way I’m sick,” she said when she was comfortably leaning on his arm. “I’m just stressed out. I have been all morning.”
“All morning?” He gave her a doubtful look. “Let’s get you into the main house where you can sit for a while.” As he gently led her back to his house, the same house she’d once lived in for months, he asked, “What have you been so stressed about?”
What kind of question was that? “Well, probably because I’m going to have a baby soon.
But I was also kind of nervous about coming to see you, considering how things ended with us.
I thought maybe we could come to an understanding or something, and I had planned what I was going to say.
But then I got here, and the crib was so cute, and I immediately forgot everything I was going to say and…
Ugh!” She doubled over, the pain suddenly growing to something more than could believably be caused by nerves.
Adam glanced over at her. “You are not OK.” He took her inside and sat her on the couch. Then he went into the kitchen to get her a cup of water. When he got back, he handed it to her and said, “Drink this.”
“It’s nothing,” she said. “Probably false labor or something. Happens all the time. That’s what the doctor said anyway.”
He put his hands on his hips and stared down at her. “And what if it’s real labor?”
She tried to laugh. “Don’t be silly. That’s impossible.”
“Is it?” he said.
Kyra thought about it, did the math, and then doubled over in pain again. When she was able to straighten up again, she found herself saying, “Maybe it isn’t exactly impossible, but I should have another week or two at least.”