Chapter 14
Zoe
“How’s your heart?”
Diane’s question caught me off guard. Seeing her and Rodney after all this time had been nice.
They were great partners, great parents, who’d raised a great man.
When Haji invited me to have dinner with them, I didn’t hesitate to agree.
They were so good to me and my family after Zina died.
Even though that time was hard for me, their kindness softened the experience as much as it could.
Being around them made it easier for me to believe Haji was who he said he was—who he presented himself to be.
We’d been done with dinner long enough to go for a walk. After we settled in the backyard, Diane brought out a pitcher of sweet tea, lemonade, and cookies. While Haji and his father talked, smoked, and listened to music, it seemed Diane was trying to get into my heart.
“It’s . . . better. I haven’t considered Jasper Lane home for a while, but that’s what it feels like. Being with Haji has done wonders for my heart. He’s reminded me that it works.”
I smiled as I looked over at him.
“You love him? I know he loves you.”
“I do. I know it’s soon and not really something I can explain with words. All I can go off is what I feel, and what I feel is real.”
“I believe you, and I believe his love for you.”
Our conversation shifted to lighter topics, but every once in a while, she’d throw in a question that shot to the core of me. How long I planned to stay. What I’d do when I left. If I wanted to get married and have babies. How close I was to my family.
“We’re definitely not close,” I said through a bitter smile.
“I haven’t been back to Memphis in a while.
Since I came here for college actually, so about fifteen years.
That’s where all my family is. My parents bounce around every month with their travels.
We’re closer than we were a decade ago. I see them if I’m sick or for the holidays.
We talk a couple of times out of the month, but I just let them live their lives and do their thing. ”
“Are you content with that?” she asked, and as it stood, she was the first person to ever ask me that.
Licking the corner of my mouth, I swallowed. “For a while I wasn’t. I felt like they abandoned me. I know that sounds silly because I was technically a grown adult when they started traveling all year but—”
“Make no excuses or apologies for how you feel, baby,” she said, cutting me off with love. “You are validated in how you feel, regardless of how it makes anyone else feel.” Diane patted my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“No,” I admitted. “I’m not okay with that.
I know I was twenty-two and technically an adult, but I still had a lot of growing up to do.
Then I lost the closest person to me, and I felt even more alone.
Even more lost. I longed for my parents.
Mama’s nurturing and Daddy’s guidance. But I felt like I had to let them live.
They’d sacrificed a lot for me and Zina and wanted to focus on themselves.
So I either gave them hellish anger or nothing at all.
Now we’re in a better place, and I just accept their lifestyle.
I do wish I could see them more and spend time with them, but it is what it is. ”
“Have you considered inviting them to your home or joining them on their trips?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t want to impose. I feel like if they wanted to spend time with me they would.”
“Hmm, I don’t know,” she said with a smile. “Back in our day, we were raised with the mentality of aging out our kids, but when they needed us, we showed up for them. I have a feeling if you were honest with them about how you felt, they’d come around more.”
“That would make me feel bad. Like, clearly they want to travel. I can’t ask them to settle down for me.”
“That’s fair, but I want to give you something else to consider.
Your parents are living life the way they are because they think their job is done with you.
If you told them you missed them and wanted more time with them, I guarantee you they’d make time for you.
Even if it was something as simple as coming to where you are every month for a week or two.
Your parents see to your needs. If they know you need them, they will happily give themselves to you. ”
She stood and went to refill Rodney’s and Haji’s glasses, giving me time to process what she’d said.
It was sound advice, and more than anything, I didn’t want to seem overly needy by reaching out to my parents.
I didn’t want to feel like I was inconveniencing them.
But she was right; everything I needed over the years, my parents provided regardless of where they were in the world.
Did I have the courage to tell them I needed them? That I wanted them?
Diane looked back at me with a warm smile and shot me a wink.
I appreciated her urging me to do what was best for me.
It had been a long decade of me taking care of everything for myself.
Surrendering to Haji doing things for me and taking care of me had been a task within itself, but the reward made it worth it.
Now, his mother wanted me to tell my parents their hyper-independent daughter missed them and wanted them to come around more.
Logically, it sounded easy, and maybe it was.
Maybe it was just my pride or my fear of rejection that made it difficult for me to make that call.
Still, I pulled my phone out of my purse and dialed Mama’s number. I didn’t know where in the hell they were, which was insane.
“Hey, baby,” she answered, and I heard the smile in her voice.
“Hey, Ma. You busy?”
“Never too busy for you. What’s up?”
“First, where y’all at?”
She laughed softly. “We’re in New Orleans for the rest of the month. Why?”
“Um . . . well . . . I miss you. I was wondering if you and Daddy could come see me? It-it doesn’t have to be this month. Just whenever you guys can find some time.”
“We have all the time in the world and will always make time for you. We travel so much because”—her tongue clicked—“I feel like this is a conversation to be had face-to-face, but when your father and I found out I was pregnant with Zina, we took account of our lives and decided we wanted to be better to her. And to you. Our parents were strict and overbearing. Even when we were old enough to drink and go to the army, they still tried to control our lives. When it came to raising our kids, they always wanted to have a say. Especially your daddy’s parents.
They were the meddling type. Ethan and I decided when you and Zina turned twenty-two that we’d let you both do your own thing.
We realized that was easier said than done, so we started traveling to give you space to make your own choices and live your own lives.
But we’re always here for you, hon, and we’ll always come when you want us to. ”
“I never asked for that,” I said with a crisp tone. “I get it, and it’s sweet, but I didn’t ask for space. I’ve needed you, and you weren’t here.”
“I’m sorry for that, baby. We thought by giving you space and independence we were doing the right thing.”
“Well I don’t want space,” I countered with a pout. “Your parents may have smothered you, but you had no hold on me at all. I need that hold. That guidance. That covering.”
“Then that’s what you’ll have.” She said it so simply it caught me off guard. “Hello?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Did you hear me?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good. When would you like for us to come visit?”
“It doesn’t have to be now,” I repeated.
Mama laughed. “Girl, when do you want us to come?”
“Can you come next week?”
“Of course. We literally have all the time in the world for you, baby. We stayed away because we thought that was best, but now that I hear you say you need us, I promise you we’ll be there. However that looks in your life and in your heart, we’ll be there.”
Tears poured down my cheeks as I smiled.
We continued to talk as my feet swung. Diane walked over, tilting my head by my cheek.
She gave me a warm smile and kiss on the forehead before going back into the house, and I made the mental note to buy her something to thank her, because saying the words wouldn’t be nearly enough.