Chapter 50
JULIET
After visiting Roderick before work, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it through my shift without picking apart every piece of our conversation. That’s definitely how I spend the first few hours. But then Thad comes in, asking for my help researching thyroid cancer.
Apparently, his human father just got diagnosed.
We spend an hour seeking out academic articles and medical publications that could help clarify what the guy is going through and can expect.
Thad is amazing with computers, so I doubt he actually needed my research help. My guess is, he just wanted someone to talk to. A human, who might better understand the fear of such a deadly illness.
Cancer is not normally a werewolf problem.
“Will you go visit him?” I ask.
“I want to. But they live in Bear Valley. I’m not welcome there anymore.”
With Thad’s mother still being a pack member, I’m assuming his switch to Pine Falls didn’t go over well. Even if the Utah pack never appreciated him when they had him. Thad going there without permission could get violent.
“Would they come see you here?”
“I don’t want to ask my dad to travel.”
We share a commiserating frown before I go to collect another article we printed.
After months of signing with Thad, I’m finding myself approaching something like fluency in American Sign Language.
He barely uses his voice when it’s just us, and I’m comfortable now with the different grammatical structure of the language, my mind more easily translating his gestures into full, nuanced sentences.
On my way back to the computer we are working on, I glance at the clock and realize my shift ended five minutes ago.
I have plans to meet up with Tanya tonight.
At the Thanksgiving gathering, she mentioned she was struggling with writing essays for her English class.
Books are my jam, so I offered to tutor her over a plate of nachos from the food truck parked just off Main Street.
But I don’t like the idea of abandoning Thad to deal with this alone or making him feel like he has to hurry. Only, when I reach his side, he seems to be packing up.
“Are you leaving?” I ask.
He sighs. “If I read any more, my brain will explode. I think I need time.”
I nod, helping him gather all the papers we printed and made notes on.
“I’m sorry. Please come back if you need to search more. Or need to talk.”
Thad offers a heartbreaking smile, and no matter how much I’m falling in love with Roderick, I think Thad is the handsomest man I’ve ever seen.
A sentiment I’ll keep to myself.
I grab my coat and purse, and we walk out together.
He pulls out of the library’s parking lot on his bike, and I start up my reliable station wagon.
As I head toward Main Street, I brush my thumbs over the worn steering wheel.
The smart thing to do would be to sell the car.
Just in case any connection could be made.
But I feel sentimental toward the vehicle that broke me out of Bear Valley. I push the idea away for another time as I parallel park a block down from the parking lot of an abandoned Laundromat that Sylvia’s Tacos has commandeered.
Despite it being a mobile operation, there are multiple tables set up with strategically placed heaters, warding away the early December chill. The smell of strong spices greets me as I approach and catch sight of Tanya waving at me from the table she’s claimed.
“I already ordered the nachos supreme and a pair of virgin margaritas,” the teenager says by way of greeting. “I need to pretend like I’m drinking alcohol after the therapy session I had today.” There’s a sprawl of books in front of her with hand-scribbled notes in the margins.
That last statement catches my attention, and I sit down hard across from Tanya. “You go to therapy?”
She snorts. “Yeah. You might have heard, my home life isn’t the most stable in the world.
” That’s putting it mildly, with her mom getting kicked out of town by her brother.
“Plus, Courtney said if I went, I could borrow her spare truck when I get my license back. She doesn’t think I hit the cop car on purpose. ”
“You … okay … I’m just …” Just going to let that cop car comment go as I try to wrap my head around anyone in the mythical-creature world getting mental health care.
I’ve considered trying to find help for myself since settling in Pine Falls, but how could I talk about my toxic relationship with Cory without also mentioning—even if I was trying my best not to—the fact that he was a werewolf?
And when I did eventually let that fact slip, would the therapist think, in addition to whatever anxiety and PTSD I was dealing with, there might also be psychotic issues?
Having a professional tell me that Cory changing into a wolf is a hallucination would not help with my trust and safety issues.
I couldn’t fathom being emotionally vulnerable enough to work on myself while also actively trying to hide important facts about my abuser.
Unwillingness to open up seems to be one of my issues on all fronts.
Only the problem with Roderick is that I’ve actively tried not to be emotionally vulnerable with him because the last man I let close used every one of my weaknesses to torture me.
“How do you talk about your life,” I ask carefully, “without telling them you’re a werewolf?”
“Oh, she knows.” Tanya waves a dismissive hand like this isn’t an earth-shattering fact for me. “Dr. Amy is human, but her partner is pack.”
A worker in the food truck calls out a number, and the teenager pops over to grab our food, leaving me shell-shocked with this potentially life-changing info.
There’s a human therapist who knows about werewolves.
Could she help me with my panic attacks?
Maybe my fear of intimacy?
Could she help me work through the trauma of my past and keep me from hurting Roderick during the process?
Even if the answer is maybe, I’m willing to try. More than that, I need to try. Because if I let what Cory did to me infect all my future happiness, then my ex really will have claimed my entire life.
And I refuse to let that happen.
“Hey, Tanya,” I start as I help her get our food settled on the table. “Could you give me Dr. Amy’s contact info?”
She texts it to me without question, and the string of digits feels like a lifeline.
Over a deliciously tart drink and a plate full of cheesy chips, Tanya dives into all the ways having to analyze The Scarlet Letter confuses her. As I break down the story and different avenues for writing an essay about the book, I enjoy the distraction from the problems in my life.
“Is Isaac writing a paper too?” I ask when Tanya takes a break from drafting new ideas to eat and sip her nonalcoholic cocktail.
She shakes her head. “He tested out, the nerd. And I could technically ask him for help, but like every time one of my brothers tells me to do something, I want to give them a swirly, you know?” Her grin is a touch wild.
But then she rolls her eyes. “Never mind. You probably think Roderick’s so charming or whatever. ”
The distraction I’ve clung to while helping Thad, then Tanya evaporates when she mentions her older brother’s name. He must not have told her how I took a wrecking ball to our fragile beginning.
Only I don’t feel like I’m the only one tainted by my past. Yes, I lashed out when he mentioned mating, but Roderick came back at the same level. It’s like we’re trying to intertwine with each other, but instead, we just collide and shatter into pieces on impact.
Tanya slides off her seat to trot over to the truck for another margarita while I try to sort through the muddle of emotions in my brain.
After talking with Hester, I think I have a better handle on my over-the-top reaction, but I can’t help thinking our fight partly arose from whatever issue had had Roderick acting cold toward me in the first place.
“Gods, what is it with outsiders?”
When Tanya sits back down, I ask the question that’s been itching the back of my mind.
“Hey, did outsiders do something to the Pine Falls pack?” I ask.
The young werewolf licks some salt off the rim of her glass before answering, “Well, people from outside this town have screwed our family over multiple times. Plus, Roderick got shot by some.”
“What?” My whisper is low and horrified.
“You didn’t know?”
I shake my head.
“All right”—she glances around, eyeing the family who’s dumping out their trash, and waits for them to leave before speaking again—“settle in for morbid story time, and I’ll tell you about the clusterfuck my family, specifically my eighteen-year-old brother, had to deal with.
” Tanya relaxes back in her seat, picking up a pen to gesture with.
“The first—and worst—event was Dad dying. He was, like, the best guy. I mean, I was super young, but I still remember him, you know?” Tanya gets this sad, faraway look in her eyes that breaks my heart.
“Always smiling. Everyone loved him. Dad was a firefighter.” A shadow flits through her gaze.
“And that year, there were some intense forest fires in the northern part of the state. They put out a call for help, and he went.” There’s a husky quality to her voice now, and I feel my own throat getting thick.
“Our kind isn’t easy to kill, but getting caught in a wildfire will do it. ”
“Oh hell, Tanya. That’s … I don’t even have words. I’m so sorry,” I murmur.
“But the worst thing is, we didn’t find out because someone called.” Tanya focuses all her attention on me. “Roderick found out immediately. Because the pack leadership transferred to him.”
I press my fingers against my suddenly numb lips as all the blood leaves my face.
What must that have been like? To suddenly feel a rush of power and responsibility and know also, in that moment, that your father died?
That would mess with anyone’s head.