20. Chapter Twenty
Weeks have gone by since the last time I saw Easton and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I thought my heart would slowly fuse back together, but instead it just feels like it’s happening over and over again.
Each day I wake up, it’s a little harder to get through the day.
Which is why I squeal in delight when I count the wad of cash in my hand. It’s money I’ve made working odd jobs around town, plus my pay from Easton and I finally have enough to get the hell out of here.
Even though they didn’t ask for it, I’ve been sneaking money into Savanna’s purse here and there as a way to pay them back for the expense and inconvenience of me staying here. She still hasn’t figured out I’m doing it and would probably hand it right back if she caught me, so I’ve been careful about it.
Easton hasn’t bothered to contact me since he showed up here and I hate to admit how much that hurts. I thought he’d figure out where my heart is in all this, then come rushing up Savanna’s front steps to declare his undying love for me. I guess real life can’t be like the movies, huh?
I’m researching different places I could go when Savanna walks through the front door. I’m not sure whether I’ll stay in Georgia or end up moving up north to experience a good winter. I’ve always loved the idea of snow and being able to play in it, but Georgia is one of those places that doesn’t get any. If we do, it’s definitely not enough for me to need to be bundled up in layers upon layers of clothes.
“New York, Montana, or should I stay in Georgia?” I ask her absentmindedly.
She drops her purse onto the counter and walks over to me with a frown. “For what? A girl’s trip or something?”
I sigh and shake my head. “My new home, Sav. I told you I wanted to leave.”
“I thought we’d talked about all that,” she says softly and shakes her head. “It’s a bad idea to just run away, Autumn.”
That’s rich coming from her, considering she did the exact same thing when it came to Dawson. Why is what I’m doing any different? I scoff and scowl at her. “Is that what you told yourself when you did the same thing?”
She blinks a few times, surprised that I’d bring up her own faults, but I can’t help it. I’ve finally gotten the money together to get the hell out of here, something she knows I’ve been trying to do for years now, and all she can do is try to stop me? “It wasn’t the same, Autumn. I was eighteen and didn’t know any better. Running away was practically programmed into me then.”
“I’m leaving, Sav. You can either get on board or leave me alone about it.”
Savanna chews on the inside of her cheek, holding in everything she wants to say, then rises from the couch with a small smile. “Fine.” With that, she leaves me alone in the living room while I contemplate if I’m doing the right thing after all.
Instead of focusing on my best friend being against me, I try to continue with my research. New York is too expensive, so I’m thinking that it could be a vacation eventually. I also don’t know how well I’d do with crowded places after living in a small town my whole life and considering New York City is the city that never sleeps, I’ll pass on all that.
My phone rings from the coffee table and tears well up in my eyes at Bethany’s face shining back at me. This is another reason that my heart cracks more every day. Although I’m not talking to Easton, I can’t bring myself to act like his little girl doesn’t exist.
Like clockwork, she calls me every day around seven o’clock once she and her dad have eaten dinner, and we talk about anything and everything. There’ve been a few times where I’ve helped her with homework because Easton wasn’t able to understand everything. Every single time she asks me if I’m coming back and I have to give her a fake smile and nod with a lie spilling from my lips – hopefully.
She’ll be crushed to realize that I’m never going to walk back through those doors. By the time her dad gets his head out of his ass, it’ll be too late. I’m done waiting for him. I want a future with someone and I have to start living my life for me.
“Autumn?” Bethany asks with her nose scrunched. “Are you okay?”
I give her an easy smile and nod. “Of course. I always am when you call me. Got all your homework done?”
She nods with a chuckle. “Dad understood most of it this time and was able to help me.” There’s music crooning from her radio reminding me of doing the same thing when I was her age, and it fills me with dread that I won’t be seeing her grow anymore.
When I was living with them, I’d have a fantasy of her walking on stage to accept her diploma with Easton and me sitting in the front row. We’d be screaming louder than anyone else in the room. I imagined helping her pack up for college, then driving however far away she decided to go and carrying her things into her dorm.
What will Easton do when Bethany decides she’s ready to have a boyfriend? I can only imagine his reaction. Would he think that since he doesn’t believe in love, nobody else should either? It wouldn’t really surprise me if he kept her shielded from the heartache.
“He’s doing better,” she whispers, almost low enough that I can’t hear her. “Just thought you should know.”
The same thing gets said every single time we are on the phone. Eventually we will venture off into a new territory and then go right back to talking about her father. I know she wants us to be together. She’s made that perfectly clear and I can’t bring myself to tell her she can’t always get what she wants.
That’s not the way life works.
I want Easton to wrap me in his arms and tell me he loves me, then beg for me to come back to him so we can live the life I’ve been dreaming of, but that’s not happening.
“Hey, I’ve got some things to take care of over here, why don’t you call me at the same time tomorrow?”
She nods and gives me a small smile, then waves before ending the video chat.
“Is that what you’re really willing to walk away from, Autumn?” Savanna asks from the kitchen, her arms crossed in front of her as she frowns. “That girl adores you, yet you’re so easily leaving her behind.”
“I’m not leaving her.” That’s what I’ll keep telling myself at least.
“It’s exactly what you’re doing. How do you think she’s going to react when she asks to hang out, or come over for another girls night, and you have to tell her you’re all the way across the country?” Savanna shakes her head and scoffs. “Autumn, I love you to death, but I’m disappointed that you’d walk away from Bethany so easily.”
I don’t have to sit here and listen to this. Without another word, I quickly gather my computer and stomp to the front door, pushing my feet into my slippers as I leave. The saddest part? My best friend doesn’t try to stop me.
As soon as I sink into the front seat of my car, the tears fall down my cheeks and I let my shoulders shake with sobs. Is Savanna wrong?
No, she isnt, I realize. I would be leaving Bethany. Maybe not in the way her mother did, but I may as well be.
What about me though?
How can I continue walking around this town knowing Easton is here, acting as if nothing ever happened between us?
I can’t back down from this, no matter who I leave in the process. Running is the only thing I know how to do.
I grunt as I try zipping my suitcase, frustrated that it won’t budge with only an inch left, and I groan loudly into the room. I don’t know where I’m going exactly. I figured I’d just drive and see where I end up.
It will be fun.
That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway.
With a long sigh, I lean back onto the king sized bed I’ve been sleeping on, and stare up at the ceiling with my thoughts running all over the place. I know that Savanna doesn’t agree with what I’m doing, but I thought she would at least see me depart. It hurts to know she’s not supporting me with this.
Bethany still doesn’t know I’m leaving. I figure when she calls me, I’ll be on my way already so she won’t be able to try and convince me not to stay. If she walked up to me right now with tears staining her cheeks and begged me not to go, I know I’d drop everything in a heartbeat and I can’t do that.
I need to do this life on my own.
Savanna might not understand, but that’s okay. I’m the only one who needs to. I’m haunted by dreams and fantasies every time I walk around Maple Creek, conjuring up images of what it would be like to live here with Easton and Bethany. I have no right to think things like that and I definitely don’t have the right to be hurt that they aren’t coming true.
A door slams shut in the distance and I hold my breath as I wait for whoever it is to approach my bedroom door, but the only thing I hear are Savanna’s footsteps as she heads upstairs.
Will she truly not come say goodbye before I go?
Tears sting the back of my eyes and I blink them away. I’ll find the strength to get through this, just as I have the last four weeks while waiting for Easton to choose me. I hiss in pain when I grab my suitcase and my manicured nail cracks in the process. Regardless, I put on a brave face and march toward the front door.
There’s nothing but silence as I glance around Savanna’s home which is filled with love and laughter, and I smile at the idea of her getting everything I’ve always wanted. Just before I’m about to walk out the door, I glance up the stairs and find Savanna standing there with tears in her eyes as she watches me walk away.
Each step I take toward my car hurts, but it’s what I need to do.
My vision is blurry as I reverse down the driveway, turning right to head out of town. Every mile that separates me from Maple Creek, the hole in my heart gets bigger and I start to wonder if I made a mistake after all.