25. Chapter Twenty-Five
Ifigured Savanna would call me to come over and have the talk with me that she’s been desperate for since I asked her to go to the hospital and check on Autumn. I didn’t anticipate it taking days for the call to come.
She didn’t seem upset when I answered the phone, more like she was hiding something and that isn’t helping the nerves racing throughout my body. Maybe I should’ve asked her to come to my place and fight with her in the comfort of my home.
Too late now.
I’ve barely driven into town the last few days because everyone has had something to say every time they see me. The only thing I’ve been leaving my house for is to get some much needed work done, which has also kept me from thinking too much about everything.
My therapist told me I need to try finding ways to cope so that I can let more people into my heart. I wasn’t sure if that’s her way of telling me I need to let Autumn in or not, but I decided to ignore it for now. Bethany has been oddly excited and I know it has something to do with a girls’ night, but I don’t want to think about my daughter spending time with Autumn.
Why does she insist on continuing to get close to someone who isn’t going to stick around? Autumn already proved that she’s more interested in getting out of Maple Creek than staying.
I shake my head and make a sharp turn onto Savanna’s street, my heart hammering loudly in my chest as I get closer and closer to the large ranch-style home. My eyebrows pinch together when I pull in front of the house to find neither of their cars sitting outside. What am I here for if she didn’t plan on being home?
She probably had to stop in town for something and is on her way back. I’ll just go inside and wait for her. I’m sure the front door is unlocked since Savanna doesn’t have the sense to lock it on her way out. I take a deep breath before sliding out of the front seat and slamming the door shut behind me, heading straight for the large brown door that will lead me inside.
The door creaks as I push it open, but otherwise there’s no other noise and I shake my head. I come to a halt outside the kitchen where Autumn is sitting silently sipping a glass of sweet tea. “Uh,” I say before clearing my throat. “Is Savanna here?”
Autumn shakes her head and glances at me over her shoulder, prominent bags evident under her eyes. Is she not getting enough sleep? I mentally shake the question away – it’s not my problem to deal with and it would do me good to remember that.
“Do you know where she is?”
The woman my heart still yearns for shrugs her shoulders and looks straight ahead. “Nope.”
I blow out a rough breath and run a hand through hair which is getting longer every day because I can’t bring myself to go get it cut.
“Look, she asked me to come over here, but just tell her to give me a call when she gets back home and I’ll come by again.”
I’m about to walk away when Autumn clears her throat and the chair scrapes across the floor as she stands up. “I had her ask you to come here.”
“What? Why?”
She glares at me and hugs herself. “You never let me say my piece at the hospital so I figured now is as good a time as any.”
Say her piece? What could she possibly have to say? I nod and wave a hand out in front of me. “Well, what is it that you need to say?”
I’d rather not be standing here in front of her, not when all those things I feel for her are still very much alive. I’m looking at her now, seeing that she looks exhausted, and it’s taking everything inside of me not to take her in my arms and tell her everything will be alright.
This only proves that I should’ve asked Savanna to come to my place instead. At least then I could’ve avoided this interaction entirely.
“First, I have a question,” Autumn says softly, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip in a way that drives me insane.
“What is it?”
“Why did you do it?”
I stare into her eyes and tilt my head to the side, studying her features that look much more pale than I remember them. “Do what?” I’m almost certain I know what she’s talking about, but I still need her to say it aloud before I can give her an answer.
“Tell me you love me, then leave.”
“I already explained myself at the hospital, Red. Love isn’t enough right now. This fear is too much and I can’t get a grip on it. You deserve more than that.”
“That’s a load of shit,” she spits out, startling me for a moment. “What if I stood here and told you that I love you, too?”
“What?”
How could she love me, but then leave town?
“You don’t get it,” Autumn says with a soft chuckle, then she shakes her head. “You were always the boy I could never have. As a teenager I’d had a crush on you for years, watching you from afar. Then when I finally had the guts to admit my feelings to you, you found out about Elena being pregnant.”
How did I not know this? I mean, I had always sensed that she had a crush on me but I never thought it was anything serious.
“After that, I pushed my feelings into the very back of my mind and watched you with her.” Autumn sighs. “It sucked, but I got through it until the crush I had on you was barely a blip on my radar.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“You had your life all planned out and I didn’t want to get in the middle of it. Then she died and you put those walls up to keep everyone out.”
“What changed?”
“I came to work for you,” she says as if it’s that simple. “The crush I thought I was over came right back to the surface and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. We got closer and my feelings went from a crush to falling in love with you.”
“Stop,” I grind out. “I don’t want to hear anymore.”
She can’t say this to me right now, not when I have so much more to work through. If she wanted to deal with my issues, she would’ve stuck around and I’m not about to force her to be here any longer than she wants to. “I love you, Easton.”
I can’t listen to this anymore. The only reason she’s telling me this is because of what I said to her. It’s not because she actually feels that way.
Before Autumn can get any more words out, I quickly turn around and leave the house without another look over my shoulder. I’ve got no clue if she’s following me, but I’d rather not find out. I’ll do something stupid like give in to what she’s saying to me. Why would she love me?
I’ve done nothing but jerk her around and hurt her. She has no reason to feel anything for me.
When I get back into my truck and finally take the chance to look up, Autumn is standing on the front porch with wet cheeks and I shake my head at the sight. I hate that I’m making her upset again, but doesn’t she realize what she’s doing to me?
My heart is beating frantically as I listen to the engine purr to life, then I peel out of the driveway with Autumn still watching behind me. By the time I get to my house, I’m a sweaty mess as I hurry through my front door. Bethany is sitting in the living room, her gaze glued to the TV, but she jumps when I let the door slam shut behind me.
“Woah, what got up your butt?” She asks, her head cocked to the side.
I’m sucking in sharp breaths and I simply shake my head while making my way upstairs. The last thing I want is to have a conversation about this with my daughter. She’ll get entirely too invested in it. When I’m certain she’s not following me, I walk calmly into my room and sit on the edge of my bed.
How could Autumn tell me that? Do those words mean nothing to her? There’s no way she actually feels that way about me. And what about Bethany? In all the words she muttered, not a single one included Bethany and that only proves she doesn’t actually feel anything for me.
You’re thinking too much into it.
I’m not.
You’re just too scared to think that someone might actually want to be with you.
That’s true.
I replay the image of Autumn lying on the hospital bed after her surgery. Her eyes were darting every which way under her closed lids. There were bruises on her face that had faded slightly before she woke, but it was torture to see her that way. I wished it was me in the hospital instead. Anything to stop her from being hurt.
That’s what love is isn’t it? Wishing that you could take the pain away from the other person and have it as your own? It’s sitting in your room with no clue how to live your life, but still thinking about the one your heart beats for. No matter how much fear is coursing through me, I can’t stop myself from wishing that Autumn was sitting here with me or enjoying time with Bethany downstairs.
She doesn’t want that though. She left without a word, remember?
Autumn tried leaving us permanently without a single word to me or Bethany. She never came to say goodbye and she never bothered asking if we would go with her.
Why would she ask you to go with her, you dumbass? You pushed her away. Again.
That’s not the point.
God, what would my therapist say if she could hear me arguing with myself right now? It’s bad enough I have to worry about taking medication for anxiety I didn’t know I had, but apparently it’s why I can’t seem to let Bethany out of my sight.
A small tapping on my bedroom door forces me from my thoughts and Bethany pokes her head into the room with a smile. “Want to watch a movie with me?”
And just like that, the heaviness in my chest lifts for the briefest moment and I give my daughter a curt nod. “I’ll be down soon. Do you want me to make popcorn?”
She smiles and nods before closing the door behind her, leaving me alone for a moment to get my feelings under control. This is why I can’t let Autumn in. If anything were to happen, I’d be the one who has to comfort Bethany and how would I even do that?
This is for the best.
Or worse.