Chapter 34
“Matti, Doc!” Sam yelled when he ran into the house. “I’m back!” He went to Matti first, and she kneeled to hug him.
Ryan laughed when the boy came to him and wrapped his thin arms around Ryan’s legs. Ryan picked him up. “Did you have fun at the zoo?”
“Yes. I saw elephants and monkeys and tigers and…” He looked over at Emily and Jon, who were standing close and smiling. “I forgot what else.”
“Don’t forget the snakes,” Jon said.
“The snakes were so cool, Doc. They stuck their tongues out at me.”
“Wow, that is cool. Missed you, buddy.”
“I missed you, too. And Matti. Next time you have to come to the zoo with me.”
“You bet.” But there wouldn’t be a next time. Matti was determined to turn him over to a foster family. He understood, he did. Didn’t mean he was happy, but it wasn’t his decision to make.
“Nana and Poppy took me to get a milkshake with a brownie on top, and I ate the whole thing.”
“He sure did,” Emily said. “Down to the last bite.”
“Poppy?” Matti said.
Sam nodded. “That’s what Poppy said I could call him. Nana and Poppy mean like grandparents. I never had them before, but I do now.” His smile reached both his ears.
A glance at Matti showed him that she wasn’t pleased with that revelation. She touched Ryan’s arm. “Why don’t you take Sam and his bag to his room and help him unpack.”
“Sure.” He dipped his chin at Emily and Jon. “Great to see you both again. Thanks for taking Sam for a few days.”
“I think we had as much fun as he did,” Emily said. “Why don’t you all plan to come over for dinner Saturday night?”
“Let me get back to you on that after I check my schedule.” He wasn’t sure he’d be around by then.
Matti was already pulling away. After they’d finished putting her living room back to rights, she’d said she was exhausted and had spent most of yesterday in her bedroom.
Since he wasn’t invited to stay in there with her, he’d lazed around on the couch, watching TV and napping.
Last night, he had slept in her bed, but she’d said she was still tired and had turned her back to him to sleep.
This morning over coffee, he’d tried to talk to her about their relationship, wanted to tell her that he’d like to see where this thing between them could go.
Wanted to tell her he was in love with her, but he knew that would be a mistake.
He’d settle for dating, spending time together to give him a chance to win that locked-up heart of hers that wanted nothing to do with a doctor, but she’d changed the conversation every time he tried. She was slipping further behind that wall she’d erected, and he didn’t know how to climb over.
He was at a loss. Didn’t know what to do. So, he’d take Sam to his temporary room and help the boy unpack…only to have to pack all his things up when it was time to take him to his foster family.
Ryan held out his hand to Sam. “Come on, buddy. Let’s get your stuff settled.”
“This is his,” Jon said, handing Ryan a backpack. “We bought him a few things.”
“I got a shirt at the zoo,” Sam said, sliding his small hand in Ryan’s as they walked down the hallway. “It’s got animals on it. I wanted to wear it, but Nana said it’s dirty because I wore it yesterday, so can we wash it now?”
Ryan smiled even though his chest felt tight. “We’ll do that as soon as we get you settled.”
“You can’t be having him think you’re his grandparents.”
He glanced back at hearing Matti. She was facing her parents, her hands on her hips.
Thankfully, Sam was chattering away about zoo animals and wasn’t paying attention to her.
When they were in his bedroom, Ryan closed the door so Sam wouldn’t hear the conversation between Matti and her parents, which was growing louder.
Apparently, Jon and Emily didn’t agree with her.
“Let’s get you unpacked.” He helped Sam unzip the small duffel and began placing folded clothes into the dresser drawers.
Sam chattered about his time with Nana and Poppy and the zoo.
Ryan kept nodding and smiling, but his thoughts drifted.
How the hell was he supposed to walk away from this? From Matti? From Sam?
* * *
“He’s finally asleep,” Matti said, returning to the living room.
“Too much excitement for a little boy who had nothing in his young life,” Ryan said when Matti joined him on the couch. Sam had chattered about zoo animals and his Nana and Poppy all through dinner, during his bath, and when he was supposed to be going to sleep.
“I need to put him with his foster family before he gets too attached to my parents.”
“Do you have someone in mind?” She’d sat at the other end of the couch, about as far away as she could get. Another sign she was pulling away from him. Why couldn’t she admit that there was something between them? He wasn’t imagining it.
Sam’s mean men were behind bars, and he was safe now. Why did Sam have to go to a foster family? If only she could see what he did, that the three of them could be a family. He would love that. Sam would love that.
“Yeah.” Matti picked at a loose thread on her jeans, not looking at him. “A couple who have a son Sam’s age. Their last foster child was just adopted. They’re really great. The kind of people who bake cookies just because. He’ll be happy there.”
Ryan leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “But he could be happy with us. I’d be happy with us. Tell me you don’t feel something for me and I’ll walk out that door right now.”
“It doesn’t matter what I feel.”
“Matti—”
“Don’t, Ryan. Please.”
Silence stretched between them, broken only by the quiet tick of the wall clock and the distant hum of the dishwasher.
“I know what you’re doing,” he said softly. “You’re pushing me away. Him, too. Because it’s easier to pretend none of this means anything than to admit it does.”
Her eyes flicked to his, wet but defiant. “I’m not pretending. I’ve been clear from the start.”
“No, you’ve been scared from the start.” He leaned back, forcing himself to stay calm. “You think just because your father was a doctor and missed every birthday and school play, I’m going to be the same kind of man. But I’m not him, Matti.”
“I can’t live that life.” Her voice cracked, and she stood, wrapping her arms around herself. “Always waiting. Always second to an emergency or a surgery or a pager going off in the middle of dinner. I watched my mother cry herself to sleep more times than I can count. I won’t be that woman.”
“I would never let you be,” he said, standing, too. “But you won’t even give me the chance to prove that. And by the way, I’m not a surgeon, so I’m not going—”
“I’m not asking you to change, Ryan. I’m not asking you to give up being who you are.” She looked up at him, eyes shimmering. “I’m just saying I can’t do it. I can’t marry a doctor.”
“You’re not marrying a profession,” he snapped, more harshly than he meant to. “You’d be marrying me.” Not that he was even talking marriage yet, but he’d marry her today if she’d have him.
Her chin trembled. “That’s the problem. If I marry you, I’ll fall in love with you more every day. And when you start missing birthdays and holidays and I’m left making excuses to a child who doesn’t understand why Daddy’s not there again…” She shook her head. “I just can’t do it.”
Ryan took a breath, tried to speak, but she beat him to it.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I love the time we’ve had together, but the threat to Sam is gone, and there’s no reason for you to be here any longer. It’s time for you to go home. Go back to your life.”
And then she turned and walked down the hall to her bedroom, closing the door behind her with a quiet click that felt more final than any goodbye ever could.
“You’re a coward, Matti,” he whispered.
His things were closed up in her room, but there wasn’t anything he had to have tonight.
His wallet and keys were on the coffee table where he’d placed them before he sat down, and he picked them up and put the wallet in his pocket.
He stared at the keys. It felt wrong to walk out without telling Sam he was leaving, but what would he say?
He bounced the keys in his hand a few times, thought for a moment, then went to Sam’s room.
Sam slept like a starfish, arms and legs spread out.
The covers had been kicked off, and Ryan eased them back over the boy before sitting on the edge of the bed.
He brushed a lock of hair away from Sam’s face.
“I’m going to miss you, buddy,” he softly said. “I guess Matti will tell you I’m gone. You’re a special boy, and it was an honor to know you.” He swallowed past the lump in his throat as he squeezed his eyes shut against the burning in them.
He stayed there a moment longer, just watching Sam breathe, memorizing the peaceful rise and fall of the boy’s chest. Everything in him rebelled against the idea of walking away, of leaving Matti and Sam behind. But she’d made her choice.
With one last look, he leaned down and kissed Sam’s forehead. “Be good for your new family, okay?”
Ryan stood and slipped quietly from the room, leaving the door slightly ajar like Matti always did. In the living room, the silence pressed in around him as he walked to the front door. His hand froze on the knob. He waited, hoping to hear her call his name.
Nothing.
He opened the door and stepped out into the night, letting it close softly behind him.