Chapter 35
Matti stood with her back pressed to the door, her hands clenched at her sides.
Her chest ached, her throat burned from holding back the sob rising within her.
She’d stood outside Sam’s bedroom and listened to every word Ryan had said before slinking back to her bedroom.
Heard the pain in his voice. And it gutted her.
She told herself she was doing the right thing.
Ryan had his life, a demanding career. She couldn’t ask him to give that up for her.
The day would come when he’d resent her for it.
Her father’s broken promises had taught her too well what came from marrying a man who belonged more to his job than to his family.
Even if Ryan wasn’t her father, even if everything inside her screamed that she’d made the biggest mistake of her life, she stayed behind the door, silent.
And let him go.
He didn’t know, and she wouldn’t tell him that she was falling in love with him. That was why she had to end this thing between them now, before she couldn’t.
She spent the next two days with Sam. After she turned him over to the Baileys, his new family, she would only see him when she did her home visits. She should take him today, not let him get more attached to her…and her to him. But she was going to be selfish and have this last time with him.
Tomorrow night, she would tell him about the Baileys and how happy he was going to be with them.
He wouldn’t understand, not right away, but he would grow to love them.
She was sure of it. Maybe they’d even adopt him.
They’d talked about the possibility of adopting a child. That was one reason she’d chosen them.
* * *
Matti sat cross-legged on the area rug in her small living room, pretending to focus on the picture book open in her lap. Sam was curled beside her, a tangle of skinny limbs, his little body warm and soft against her side.
“When will Doc be here?” he asked. “I like when he reads to me and talks funny. When he talked like a cat, I laughed so hard.”
“Doc had to go to work today.” She’d expected him to ask that question at breakfast since Ryan had always been here when Sam woke up, but he hadn’t.
“He’ll be back when his work is done?”
She should have prepared for that question. She smiled down at the book, blinking fast before the tears could form. “No, sweetie. He won’t be coming back.”
Sam lifted his head to look at her. “But why?”
“Because his work keeps him really busy, and he had to go help people who are sick. That’s what doctors do.”
He was quiet, his little mouth pressing into a stubborn pout. “But he’s my friend.”
“I know.” Her voice quavered, so she cleared her throat and tried again. “He likes you a lot, Sam. We both do. But sometimes…people can’t stay, even when they want to.”
Sam frowned, confusion clouding his big eyes. “Did I do something bad? I’m sorry if I did.”
“No, no, honey.” She dropped the book and pulled him into her lap, holding him close. “You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t about you, okay? You’re perfect.”
He didn’t answer, just burrowed his face against her neck. She rocked him gently, stroking his hair, her throat tight with emotion.
“Do you know what a foster family means?”
“No.”
“They’re a family who makes a home for a child who needs one. Tomorrow, we’re going to visit a family called the Baileys. They’re really nice, and they live in a house with a big yard, and they have a boy your same age. His name is Miles. They’re so excited to meet you.”
Sam leaned back to look at her, suspicion tightening his features. “Are you coming, too?”
Her heart cracked, the splinters slicing deep. “No, sweetie. I’ll still see you sometimes, but you’ll be living with them.” Hopefully, longer than just for a while.
“I don’t want to go.” He clutched her tighter, panic in his voice. “I want you and Doc to be my mommy and daddy.”
She kissed the top of his head, the ache in her chest spreading like fire. “No, we can’t be. This is what’s best for you, Sam. The Baileys are going to love you so much. And you’re going to have so much fun there. You and Miles are going to be best friends.”
His small hands fisted in her shirt. “But I already love you. And Doc.”
The tears she’d been holding back slipped free. She didn’t try to stop them. She buried her face in his hair and whispered, “I love you, too.” So much.
She bit the inside of her cheek, her heart cracking in places she didn’t want to name. God, she hated this part. Hated it every time. But this one… This one had slipped past the guardrails she’d put up after Mikey.
“Sam, I want you to have everything. A family that can keep you safe and love you forever. Not just for a few days.”
He leaned into her, pressed his forehead to her chest. “Is forever a long time?”
“Yes. So, you’ll be happy for a very long time.”
“What if I miss you? I think I will. And Doc.”
And just like that, she couldn’t breathe. They sat like that—he curled up on her lap—for a long time, neither moving, the room filled with the quiet hum of the refrigerator and the weight of goodbye.
When he finally fell asleep in her arms, she didn’t carry him to bed. She just held him, rocking slowly in the silence, memorizing the feel of him in her arms, the scent of his shampoo, the soft sighs of his breath, because tomorrow, she would have to let him go.
The clock ticked on. Each second louder than the one before. Each tick a second closer to walking up to the Baileys’ door, Sam’s little hand in hers, and giving him away. Because that was what it felt like she was going to do. Give him away like he was a piece of furniture she didn’t want anymore.
No, she couldn’t think like that. She was doing what was best for Sam. End of story.
* * *
“Where’s Ryan?”
Matti shrugged. “At the hospital, I assume.” Emily had been sitting at the island, drinking a cup of coffee, when Matti walked into the kitchen. What was she doing here so early? Her mother didn’t do early. “The sun’s barely up. Why are you here?”
Her mother narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean you assume?”
“Just what I said. I’m not his keeper, so I can’t say for sure where he is. Again, why are you here?” Not that she minded her mother dropping in, but she was never up with the sun without a reason.
“Can’t I visit my daughter without being interrogated?”
Matti rolled her eyes. “It was a simple question, Mom. Why are you even up yet? You write your books late into the night, and mornings are not your thing.”
“Jon ran into Ryan at the hospital this morning, asked if dinner was a go for Saturday night. Ryan said probably not. That the two of you mutually decided to take a break from each other.”
“So, Dad called and woke you up with the latest hospital gossip? Both of you need to stay out of my business.” And Ryan…
He could have rightly put all the blame on her for their breakup, but he hadn’t.
That’s just the kind of man he is, Matti.
Yeah, it was. Had she made the biggest mistake of her life, sending him away? Not giving them a chance?
“Harsh, Matilda. I will never stay out of my children’s lives, and I’ll do everything in my power to help them find happiness. Ryan may say it was a mutual decision, but Jon said he’s never seen the man so devastated. It was solely your decision, wasn’t it?”
“Yes,” she whispered. Leave it to her mother to see what was the truth and what wasn’t.
“Why? I’ve seen the way the two of you are together. Both of you have big hearts in your eyes when you look at each other. Why would you walk away from the best thing that’s ever happened to you?”
“Because he’s a doctor!”
“A lady doesn’t yell, Matilda.”
“Sorry.” She dropped her chin to her chest. Surely, if anyone could understand, it was her mother. She lifted her gaze to the woman who’d been left to raise six children without the support of her husband.
“He’s a doctor, Mom. How many times have you told Kelly and me to never marry a doctor?
Look at you and Dad. Your marriage didn’t last. Why?
Because he as good as abandoned you, left you to raise us on your own.
How many of his children’s birthdays did he miss?
More than once, he was called to the hospital on Christmas Day. Why would I—”
“Stop right there, missy. I was wrong to tell you and Kelly that. You want the truth? I would marry your father all over again, even knowing what I know now.”
“Why?”
“For one, I love him.”
“You mean you loved him, past tense.”
“No, I mean exactly what I said. I’ll always love Jon. And two, he gave me six beautiful, wonderful children.”
“That he abandoned you to raise on your own.”
“He did not. He was always there for me, for you children, even after we separated. He may have missed some birthdays and Christmases, but he loves us with all that he is. Never doubt that, Matilda. I did for a while, and I have regrets.”
“Shouldn’t we have been more important to him than his patients?” Didn’t his family have a right to ask that from him?
“No, we should not have. Let me ask you something. Suppose Jon wasn’t a doctor, just a man with a nine-to-five job.
Suppose that on Christmas morning he had a heart attack.
How would you feel if the doctor who could save his life said, ‘Sorry, but my family comes first, so if you don’t die today, I’ll try to save your life tomorrow’? What would you think of that doctor?”
Before she could answer, Sam walked in, all sleepy-eyed with hair sticking up at all angles. His eyes lit up at seeing Emily. “Nana!” He ran to her.
While her mother and Sam chatted like magpies, Matti couldn’t stop thinking about that question. What would she think of that doctor? Not very much.
Emily stayed to have breakfast with them, and then, when she was leaving said, “Ryan’s your person, Matilda. Everyone can see that but you. Don’t let the day come when you regret sending him away.”
Matti stood in the doorway after her mother left, staring out at the empty driveway, her arms wrapped tightly around herself.
She was a coward because she hadn’t told her mother that Sam was going to his foster family tomorrow…
Yes, she’d put it off for one more day. She almost had, but knowing her mother would have a lot to say about that, she hadn’t been able to get the words out.
After Sam was settled and happy with his new family, she’d take him for a visit to see her parents.
She lifted her face, seeking the warmth of the sun. The morning sun warmed the porch, but it didn’t touch the cold knot in her chest.
Would she have her own regrets?