Chapter 19
SUPPORT AND COMFORT
“You’re not a loser and never think that,” he said.
Arden got up off his lap now, moved to the other chair and picked up the rest of her milkshake to finish.
The sun was setting. It was only eight thirty and it was still light out and would be for another forty minutes. Not that it mattered if it got dark. It’d be cozier. More romantic.
Sad that was where her mind was going with the day she’d had.
“It feels it today, though having you here makes it better.”
“I’m glad I could do that. What is it you want to know?”
“You mentioned you had an ex. Tell me about her?”
“Should have known you’d start there. Her name was Kristin and we met during my residency.”
Another doctor.
Nothing like her.
“Is she an ER doctor?”
“No. Pediatrics. But she’d be down in the ER when there were cases with kids before they were admitted. Or even if they weren’t admitted.”
“And that is how you met?”
“It is. I was year two, she was year one. We hit it off. Had the love of medicine behind us, cases to talk about and keep us sharp, help us learn, bounce things off of.”
Sounded boring to her. “Is that all you talked about?”
His head went back and forth before he finished his drink. “More than anything else, but not all. I didn’t realize that until just now.”
“How long did you date?”
“Over a year. Less than two. We didn’t get to spend as much time together as maybe she wanted. Or even I wanted.”
“Understandable. You work a lot. If you both had schedules like that it’d be harder.”
“We did. Not the same shifts either. We didn’t live together but stayed at each other’s places often. We both had roommates. We actually talked about moving in together, but I’m glad it never came to that.”
“What happened? Did you just drift apart?”
This didn’t sound all that scandalous to her. Not enough for him to have made the comment he had before about being haunted and shackled in her own way.
“We did but stayed together still. It was as if neither of us had the time to break it off until I did.”
“Why did you? You’re not giving me much. I believe you said she still had you shackled.”
“Remembered that, did you?”
He was smiling, not a forced one, but one that was almost sad.
“Yeah. You also said she haunted you. I guess that stuck more because it was the word on that note.”
He frowned. “I hadn’t realized it. For me, it’s the things she said and did.
Things she needed from me I always gave her, but when I said I needed it back, she brushed it off.
To her it was weak. That’s what I mean when I say the words.
It’s hard for me to open up like you’ve been doing after a hard day. ”
“Now I get it. Because one woman thought it was a sign of weakness for you to need support and comfort now you won’t do it again?”
“It’s not that I won’t. I’m doing it now. It’s that it’s hard for me to do it. And you’re the first to even question me on things, so it goes back to women seeing me as Superman. That nothing gets me down.”
“I don’t see you that way. Not at all. I know what goes on in the ER.
I know what you see and go through daily.
And maybe because I see the dirty side of it all, I can relate and understand how it can drive this tiny hole of despair inside of you wider with each case.
Where you feel helpless even when you’re doing your best.”
“I thought Kristin knew that too. I get it, she was dealing with children and maybe that’s more heartbreaking.”
“A life is a life, regardless of the age.”
“That’s always been my thought. There were times it wasn’t even her words that I’d be fine with but her dismissive actions.”
“Like?”
“Like walking away from me when I tried to talk. Saying she had a bad day and turning it to her and needing a bubble bath. She’d end a conversation to turn it into her. I’d spent my life around brothers and a father who were hard on the outside. Hell, even my mother.”
She hadn’t realized that. “So you felt alone if you wanted or needed some form of comfort?”
“No. I didn’t feel alone in my family. Never think that.
Ford, he’s tough, don’t get me wrong, but he’s got a heart of gold.
He was always there to talk to. Gale too, when she wasn’t busting my ass.
Ash, as adults I might see him more since he lives in Glens Falls, but still not often.
He works nights too, his shifts change and he has other jobs, but we try to meet up for lunch if we can.
My father has always been there. My mother, she knows her kids well and she can be very nurturing and always has been, but as an adult, it’s hard to have those conversations with her. Or them.”
“I stopped talking to my parents about my marriage years ago. I didn’t want to hear their advice. Even if I needed it or should have listened. I thought I knew what I was doing. I was wrong.”
“How are they now?”
“Great. And I’m sorry. I just did what Kristin did, didn’t I? Turned that to me when you’re talking.”
He put his hand out and she slapped her palm into his, their fingers hanging on loosely. “It’s not the same thing and I asked.”
“But I want to know about you and the last thing I want to happen is for you to shut it off.”
“I won’t. I got tired of being the support for Kristin and not getting it in return. It’s not that I can’t be there. And don’t get it in your head that I’m here for you and you’re not for me. That you’re some kind of burden because you absolutely aren’t.”
It had crossed her mind, but she wasn’t surprised he’d seen through it.
“I don’t. Or I’ll try not to.”
“Proof you’re not is this conversation right now. We are talking and you started it. You asked. She never asked. Never brought it up. The signs were there if I had a bad day and she pretended they weren’t.”
“Are you hiding them from me? I haven’t seen anything else.”
“I’m not hiding anything. So far, when I see you, I’m fine. I mean it. We are always going to have a rough one. It happens in our line of work. I go home, workout, take a long shower, distract my mind. I get out of it fast enough to be sharp for the next shift.”
Which wasn’t healthy, but he didn’t need her to say that. He was smart enough to know himself.
This wasn’t about lecturing. It was about being there and opening up.
“How was Kristin when you ended things?”
“Fine. She said it wasn’t working for her either and hoped she wouldn’t have to be the one to end it. She wasn’t good at that.”
“Bitch.” She slapped her hand in front of her mouth. “Sorry.”
“I might have thought the same thing. She took the easy way out. It made me realize I was only torturing myself by trying to make it work or hanging on not to hurt her.”
“Guess we have that in common.”
“No,” he said. “Not to piss you off, but if I had a child, I would have done things differently. Either worked harder or ended it sooner. I wouldn’t have been passive aggressive like we were being.
” He held his hand up when she went to speak.
“I’m not saying that you did that. Don’t mistake those words.
I’m talking about me and my relationship. ”
“Glad you cleared that up.”
She released the pressure on his finger that he’d obviously felt when those words came out. A tension she couldn’t control or hide even if she hadn’t spoken a word.
“I’m just saying I was as guilty as her in how I handled things. Your situation is different.”
“It is. It was. I’ve made mistakes.”
“We all have.”
And she didn’t want to get back to her drama. “That’s it? That’s all you want to share? I know you’ve been in other relationships.”
“That was the one that left the most lasting impact. The last serious one I had. I’ve dated on and off in the past several years. A few months here or there, but most get sick of me not being around. I can only give them so much. I’m not being an ass, but stating a fact.”
“I understand that about you. And because I’ve got so much going on in my life and a child, it works for me. I’m jumping back into this slowly.”
“I see and recognize that. Could be why it’s working so well. Or don’t you think that?”
“It’s working out better than I could have imagined.”
He smiled. “I’m glad.”
“Me too. Makes me feel less like a failure about my life and career.”
“Hey, don’t do that. I see the smile on your face and know you’re joking, but still, there is always a tiny truth to it.”
“I know. It was wrong of me, but I was trying to lighten it some.”
“I get it. I know failure too. You haven’t had someone die on you, or have you?”
She sighed. “No. And I’m willing to bet that if it’s happened to you, it’s not your fault. You can do everything right and everything can still go wrong. I don’t need to remind you that the body is a mysterious thing that reacts differently all the time, right?”
“No, you don’t. And telling myself that helps but doesn’t lessen the guilt. Doesn’t lessen the memories of those things you couldn’t fix or the people you couldn’t save.”
Arden moved over and sat on his lap again. Not for him to comfort her, but her to give it to him.
He was talking and she wanted him to continue. She wanted him to know that she was there for him too and would be.
Her finger was tracing his chest. “Tell me about it. Just talk. I’m willing to bet you didn’t get to do it when it happened and it’s still eating that hole inside of you.”
He dropped his head to hers and put a kiss on her forehead again.
“You’re right. I know I’ve had patients die, but it’s normally after I’ve treated them.
Could be days or weeks. It’s my job to patch them up and send them on, those serious ones.
Even listening to the family members, loved ones, the questions, the tears, the fears.
I have to be on my best. I have to be calm for them.
And it’s not easy. Let me tell you. Sometimes it’s harder than working on the patient.
But the one that hit me the hardest. The one that I still wonder if I could have done differently was over two years ago. My second day in the ER there.”
“Ouch. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was a Saturday night. Not that late. Multiple stab wound coming in, one to the chest. He’d already lost a lot of blood. Young guy. Early twenties.”
She kept the shivers from her body. “Why was he stabbed?”
“Bar fight. I never found out the details. It didn’t matter. Sometimes not knowing the facts on the person makes it easier to treat.”
“You’d never judge, Blaze. I know that.”
“I won’t, but best not to put it to the test. The guy that shot my brother, he came in and I treated him the same as anyone else when deep down it wasn’t what I wanted to do as I fought to keep my brother from bleeding out on the table while the surgeon was rushing in.”
“And you did it,” she reminded him.
“I did. And this kid, that night I did the same. Stabbed in the aorta. I doubt that was the plan, but it happened. We found it, I clamped it, he’d crashed once on the table, but we brought him back, the surgeon came in and took over from there.”
“Sounds like it was a success on your end.”
“It felt that way until hours later. Maddy, she was in the room with me that night, before she was the charge nurse. She called to get an update on him and found out that he’d died on the table. He’d lost too much blood and coded twice more. The last time they couldn’t bring him back.”
Arden’s throat tightened. “And you’ve been wondering if there was something more you could’ve done.”
“My second day here,” he murmured. “And yeah. I do. I still play it over in my head, every step. Some woman he was with screaming outside the doors covered in blood like she’d tried to help, the kid never gaining consciousness.
But the thing is, I can’t see anything I’d change. Doesn’t make it sting any less though.”
She looked up at him, her voice soft but certain. “Have you told anyone else?”
“No.” His voice dropped low and almost raw. “And saying it out loud to you makes it hurt just a little bit less.”
She smiled faintly, her heart twisting. “That’s why I called you down here tonight. Because telling you about my day does the same thing for me. That’s what I want, Blaze. Something real. Something that eases the weight a little. If that’s not what you want, I need to know.”
His arms tightened around her, his voice a rough whisper against her hair. “It’s exactly what I’ve been waiting for.”