Chapter Thirty-Four
Carter
“You want to hit me? Do it and get it over with.” Ingram crossed his arms as he stared at me, not looking worried at all about what I might do.
Which made me want to hit him all the more. I could smell Yun on the asshole, despite the shower I knew Ingram had taken. How could he smell that much like her? I doubted she’d let him touch her, yet her scent clung to him like cologne.
And it pissed me off.
It set off all the territorial instincts inside me, made me want to go in and cover her in my scent.
Not that she’d let me…
“Hit you? Why would I do that?” I smiled widely, my trademark carefree attitude hiding my real feelings as it always did.
He made a derisive noise. “The fact that you can smile like that makes you one terrifying asshole, you know that? You can smile right before you take someone’s throat out—I’ve seen you do it.
The wider that smile gets, the more I start questioning what’s going on in that freak show of a brain of yours. ”
“No idea what you’re talking about,” I lied, then held out half of the croissant that I’d been eating to him. “So we’ve got rank testing today, right?”
Ingram took the piece and popped it into his mouth, chewing quickly before swallowing it down. “That’s what I’ve heard. Fuck, how long’s it been since we had to be graded?”
“Not since I left Diamond. Feels nice to show off sometimes.”
“Speak for yourself. I don’t like getting watched like a fucking science experiment or a circus show. I’ve been an S-Rank and stealth for fifteen years. No fucking point in this bullshit again.”
I understood his feelings—and honestly, I shared them—but bitching about it wouldn’t change anything.
At the end of the day, if they wanted us ranked again, if they wanted to ensure everyone was what they said, they were going to do that.
Better to hide my reaction to it, to bury that down deep and not let anyone see anything real.
It was the only way to make it in the world, to keep that all close to the chest, to play the game.
And I was fantastic at that.
So I kept that smile in place and shrugged. “You’ll be fine. It’s not even a big deal for you to rank compared to the rest of us. One day of stretching your esper legs and it’s done. We’ll have a delicious dinner, we’ll talk to other squads, it’ll be a great day.”
Ingram rolled his eyes before stealing another piece of my breakfast. He opened his mouth as though to speak when his gaze moved past me and toward the doorway that led into the large meeting room where we stood.
The vibrations that rushed through the room, the way he stood a bit taller, it all told me who had walked in without me having to turn.
Yun.
Even if I didn’t need to, I couldn’t stop myself from looking, my gaze finding hers with an ease that was almost terrifying.
She walked in, her shirt undone slightly more than usual—or was I just more aware of it?
—those black slacks hugging her thighs in a way that was far too tempting.
Her hair was pulled back, French braided to the nape of her neck and secured there with a small bit of hair from the bottom.
It made her look competent and capable, like any other badass here.
Mine.
The word bubbled up through my mind, percolating until it sloshed around, filling every last crevice.
I shook it away, smiling when her gaze found me, when she headed my way.
“You didn’t grab any food?” I asked. “There’s a table just outside that door with pastries and fruit.”
“I’m not hungry.” She crossed her arms and boy, did she make a valiant attempt to not look at Ingram.
Whatever happened between them, at least I didn’t have to worry that she’d fallen hopelessly in love with him or something.
The tension there said she wasn’t even close to addressing whatever they’d done. “Where’s Kenyon and Shear?”
“Kenyon is checking in the with medical. They do healer testing there.”
“And Shear?”
I shrugged. “He’s probably trying to avoid coming. He doesn’t like doing these sorts of tests, but I’m sure he’ll show up before long. Where are you scheduled today?”
“Guides are testing in the western wing.”
“All of them?” I lifted an eyebrow, surprised by that. “Normally, guides are tested in a few groups.”
“Yeah, it seemed weird to me, too.”
I considered it, then let out a soft laugh.
“They’re trying to create a sense of community between guides and espers.
It’s military tactics 101. Get people shoved together in close quarters, force them to rely on each other, and you’ll end up with a bond between them.
Squads don’t tend to do well together, so they’re trying to force it. ”
“They’re also probably trying to make guides feel responsible for one another so they’ll care for other squads,” Ingram pointed out.
Yun’s expression darkened.
“Don’t worry—won’t happen.” The reassurance left me unconsidered. It wasn’t just an attempt to make her relax or win her favor, but rather an absolute fact in my mind.
I wasn’t about to share her with other squads.
Fuck that.
I had no intention of handing over my guide to anyone. There were enough other guides for that, and I didn’t mind taking apart any esper stupid enough to even think they could touch what was mine.
Especially given the fear on Yun’s face. Her expression said she didn’t want that to happen anymore than I did, and that solidified my response. I wasn’t about to let something happen that she didn’t want.
Not a fucking chance.
Still, despite the way my brain freaked out, I kept my expression neutral and my voice casual. No reason to let her in on how exactly I felt about it all.
“If they say we have to…” Yun pressed.
“Don’t worry about that. Consider this a benefit of working with a squad—you don’t have to think about stuff like that.
You’ve got us to handle the Guild for you.
” I doubted my smile reassured her much—she’d glimpsed the mess beneath it a time or two—but I still offered it in an attempt to make her understand that it was our job to keep her safe.
It was the push and pull of guides and espers. She kept us from losing ourselves, from becoming a corrupted, and in exchange? We took care of her. It wasn’t enough, wouldn’t ever be enough for what she did for us, but it was our privilege and responsibility to keep her safe.
That meant from monsters, from other espers, and even from the Guild if we had to.
She narrowed her eyes until only a slit of darkness remained. Seems she doesn’t believe me.
It was hard to blame her, given how many times she’d gotten herself thrown out on her ass from other squads. It wasn’t like she had any reason to believe us, to put any trust in us.
“This place smells of desperation.” Shear’s odd comment broke the tension, a strange talent of his to throw any conversation into disarray without even meaning to. He had no food, but I didn’t offer him any, either.
He could feed himself if he needed to.
“It smells like cheap body spray,” Yun countered.
“That, too, but I mean the acidic smell of desperate ambition. All these espers and guides are hoping they can prove themselves and move up in the world. They don’t see this as a mission to save people, but as one to benefit them.” He crossed his arms as he cast a disgruntled look over the crowd.
Leave it to Shear to identify the nonsense of others, to not just willingly accept it. He lacked the social skills or planning mindset to keep the facts to himself, too. He simply blurted it out as it came to him, no matter how useful those details might have proven if he’d just played the game.
“Isn’t that normal?” Yun asked. “People always want to better their position.”
“It’s a losing game,” Ingram muttered. “No one stays in the top spot for long, and the fall down from it fucking hurts.” He shook his head, the shadows in his eyes ones that I knew all too well.
Yun stared at him—the first time she’d really looked at him this morning, like his words were enough to help her forget about whatever had happened between them.
Then again, she didn’t understand. She couldn’t. The limelight sounded great to those who didn’t stand in it, but they had no idea what it did to a person, what someone had to sacrifice to keep it, or just how hard it hit when it went away.
Good. I didn’t want her to know, because understanding would mean pain for her, and I found myself reluctant to hope for that.
“It isn’t like that’s a surprise,” I said to ease the conversation. “Every grouping like this has espers hoping for a leg up somewhere. It’s to be expected. Just keep your head on straight and do what you need to do, and it’ll be the same as ever.”
A ding from above us had me glancing up toward a PA system just before a distorted voice echoed over the crowd. “Rank testing will start in ten minutes. Please make your way to your section. Thank you.”
“Show time.” I clapped my hands loudly as though excited to get this over with, then smirked at Yun. “Try not to miss us too much.”
I left her sputtering out a broken reply when I winked and turned, heading toward the door, leaving her there with a million responses—none of them nice, I was sure.
Maybe I’d never outgrown being a young boy desperate to pull the pigtails of the girl I liked. If she was annoyed with me, at least she was thinking about me.
That had to be enough.