Chapter 35
i’m choosing myself
RILEY
With a mug of tea between my hands, I sit at the breakfast bar, staring out the window. How I made it to my room without falling apart last night is beyond me. When he gave me his I can’t lose you bullshit, I was genuinely surprised my heart still had the capacity to beat.
Last night replays in my head like a movie: the way he touched me like he couldn’t stop, the way he kissed me like he was drowning and I was his life raft. Then, in a matter of moments, with a few simple words, he shattered my heart. I like you, but…
Doesn’t he know in a phrase like that, everything before “but” becomes insignificant?
At least he let me get dressed before he delivered his blow. If he had given me that speech while he was still inside me, I would’ve lost it.
Maybe I did. Because when he said those words, quiet and careful, like they were meant to protect me.
..they pierced my heart, went right through me instead.
Maybe what he did wasn’t cowardice in the way the world defines it, but hearing him talk himself out of something we’d barely had a chance to touch…
tasted like fear. Fear feels like rejection.
And rejection always feels like cowardice.
“Morning.” His voice snaps me back to the moment. He’s standing in the doorway in a pair of gray sweatpants, his hair a mess like it always is first thing. He throws a crooked smile at me. “How did you sleep?”
I nearly double over at how easy his greeting is. Wow. Apparently, I’m the only one suffering an existential crisis. “Okay.”
Brows lowered, he takes a step closer. “You don’t feel well?”
“I’m okay.” Annoyance brews inside me, ready to spill out at any moment.
He shuffles to the coffeepot, only to freeze when he realizes it’s empty. For weeks, we’ve had a routine. Whoever wakes up first makes coffee for both of us. But after he made a fool out of me last night, I didn’t feel like making any for him. I wanted tea.
“Is ‘okay’ suddenly the only word in your vocabulary?” he asks as he fills the pot with water.
I’ve known him my whole life. I get what he’s trying to do, but lightening up the atmosphere won’t work. Not after last night.
“No, but I don’t feel like pretending everything is rainbows and unicorns just to keep you from feeling uncomfortable.” I shrug.
He whips around, frowning. “Riley, I didn’t mean—”
A snort slips out. “That’s a very accurate observation, Hayden. You never mean anything.”
Fuck. I told myself I wouldn’t show him how much he hurt me, yet here I am, being dramatic.
My phone buzzes on the counter, cutting the moment short. A picture of Story appears on my screen, snapping me out of my anger. Without looking at Hayden, I grab my device and press it to my ear. “Hey.”
“Good morning,” she singsongs. She’s way too cheerful for my shitty mood. “How are you?”
The sound of her voice has a comforting warmth spreading through my extremities. “I’m okay. You’re up early.”
Hayden leans against the cabinet, legs crossed at the ankles, looking too damn good for my liking.
“I was too excited to sleep,” she blurts. “I’ve been dying to talk to you, and I couldn’t wait any longer.”
Elbow on the bar, I prop my cheek against my knuckles. “Did something happen?”
“Yes! You and Uncle Hayden! You’re his baby mama.”
Cold sweat forms on my forehead, and my heart thunks heavily. “How…how did you know?”
Story laughs wholeheartedly, clueless about the state she’s put me in.
“Piper said whoever it is, it’s none of our business, but I was too curious to let it go.
So, I did some Googling. And yesterday, I finally found what I was looking for!
” she squeals. “Photos of him bartending at a place called Alchemy. There were so many pictures of him from that night, and I almost gave up, but eventually, I found the ones that solved the mystery.” She takes a deep, dramatic breath.
“You were sitting at the bar, smiling. In another one, Uncle Hayden was with you, his hand on your waist. And in the last one, you were leaving the bar together, holding hands.”
“Story—”
“I’m so happy for you,” she babbles. “And for Uncle Hayden. You’re perfect together, and I promise to be the best cousin in the world.”
While she rambles on about how she remembered I didn’t feel well when I was in Santa Clara and connected the dots, I sit, frozen, my mind a mess. The photos could be easily explained, but my initial reaction basically gave me away.
“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything to Dad or Piper. Or even my grannies. That’s not my place,” she says. “I just wanted to call and say I’m happy for you.”
Hayden appears on the other side of the bar, a frown etched onto his face, his jaw set tight. He’s listening in.
“Uh-huh…”
“Riley, are you angry with me?” she whispers. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think—”
“No, no, no, Story. It’s okay.” I lick my lips. “We weren’t going to hide it forever.”
We end the call quickly, and as I set my phone down, my stomach twists into knots.
“So…Story knows?” he asks.
I nod.
“And she figured it out by looking at pictures online.”
“It was a baseless guess, but I all but confirmed it when I asked how she knew instead of telling her she was wrong.” I sigh, shaking my head. “Looks like it’s time to face the music. What do you think?”
“I’m in.” He gives me a small smile.
Without returning the expression, I grab my mug and pad into the living room. Once he joins me on the couch, his own mug in hand, I FaceTime Piper.
“Hey, hey. I thought you’d be sleeping in.
Better enjoy those lazy mornings now. It won’t be long before classes start up again, right?
” she asks. At first, all I see is the ceiling.
The phone jostles, and then she appears, smiling, her kitchen cupboards behind her.
Her grin quickly drops when she notices Hayden beside me. “Hi, Hade.”
“Morning.” He lifts his mug in greeting. “Any chance Hunter can join you?”
Piper bites her bottom lip, her gaze dancing between us. She nods and disappears.
I lean back, letting out a groan. “It’s only eleven o’clock.” Then, I notice how close we’re sitting. Annoyed, I shift away. “You could’ve put a shirt on.”
“Why?”
My annoyance transforms into real irritation. “Because you look like you just rolled out of bed.”
“You’re in your PJs.” He flashes me an infuriating smirk.
I huff. “At least I’m decent.”
He chuckles, but it’s dry, like my frustration is getting to him. “Decent is overrated.”
“Says the guy who pushes people away when things get too real.”
His face falls, but before he can respond, Piper and Hunter appear on the screen.
Hunter arches a brow, looking from Hayden to me and back again. “What’s up?”
“We have something to tell you.” I count to five and blow out a breath. “I’m pregnant, and the baby is Hayden’s.”
He tenses beside me, but I don’t look at him. Piper’s reaction is so much more important to me.
Her full lips part, and her eyes go round as she stares at me.
Hunter clears his throat. “When did you find out?”
“A couple of days before I left your place, but…I wanted Hayden to know first.”
“Understandable.” Hunter nods, calm and collected. “Congratulations, you two.”
“Sorry I wasn’t up-front about it after the news leaked,” Hayden chimes in. “We needed a little time to figure things out. We were—”
“I’m sorry,” Piper cuts him off. “You got my sister pregnant, and you didn’t have the balls to tell me? You are my fucking best friend, Hade. You know how much she means to me.”
Hayden bristles. “Pip, Riley and I—”
She lifts her hand to shut him up then presses it to her cheek, inhaling and exhaling slowly.
I know this reaction all too well. She’s pissed, but she’s also terrified…for me. She meets my eye, the look full of words unspoken. It lands hard, and I almost hear her voice in my head: I knew he’d end up hurting you.
A sense of clarity washes over me. I don’t want to stay here anymore. I’m tired of being his almost. I’m tired of being his distraction, his never enough to take the risk.
She shakes her head. “What does this mean? Are you together?”
He opens his mouth, but I beat him to it.
“No. We’re just friends.” I hold my head high, ignoring the slicing pain in my heart. It’s true, and it’s time to accept that. “We’ll be co-parents. Not a big deal.”
Hayden looks at me, his scrutiny like a brand, but I keep my focus on the screen. He has no right to argue, and thankfully, he knows it. Last night was our breaking point.
“Are you living together?” Piper asks.
No matter how tempting it is to say I’m moving out, I keep that to myself for now.
“Yeah.” Hayden clears his throat and scoots forward a fraction. “After the news leaked, I asked Ry to move in with me. This way, I can keep her safe, take care of her.”
Hunter snickers. “I’m afraid we need to discuss what it means to take care of someone. Despite what you may think, it does not include knocking them up.”
“Shut up. And lose the smug look.” Hayden crosses his arms, glowering at his brother.
“After the shit you gave us when Piper and I got together, you deserve a little clapback.”
Hayden is still annoyed, glaring at the phone screen, but I feel better. Hunter’s humor has relieved some of the pressure in my chest. With the way Piper keeps studying me, I know she’ll hound me later, when it’s only the two of us. I’m fine with it. I’m tired of hiding things from my sister.
I end the call and send a quick text to Nastya, asking her to meet me at our favorite pastry shop. Before I even stand from the couch, she responds, telling me she’ll be there in thirty.
“Can we talk?” Hayden asks. His voice is quiet, almost uncertain.
“Sorry.” I take a deep breath, centering myself. “I’m meeting Nastya in a half hour.”
He braces his elbows on his knees, his jaw tight.
“Bo, Jimmy and I are recording a podcast today, but I’ll be free later. Want to order in and watch a movie?”
I lift my chin. “No. I’ll be busy.”
“Busy?” He cocks an eyebrow.
“I’m going back to my place. It’s time.”
When he jumps to his feet, his knee bangs the coffee table, spilling coffee all over it.
Rather than give in to the urge to help him clean, I stand and back away. “I’ll ask Nastya to help me pack. You don’t need to worry about anything.”
With that, I head to the guest room to get ready, but his bare feet thunder across the floor behind me.
“Riley, wait.” He grabs my elbow, stopping me in my tracks. “Can we please talk?”
“About what?” I turn to him, shaking free of his hold.
“About us…about the baby.”
I take a deep breath. “There’s no us. We’re just friends. We’re going to co-parent, like we agreed. I’m not shutting you out. You’re always welcome at my appointments, and you’ll always have a place in our baby’s life. I’d never take that away from you.”
Emerald eyes glassy, he opens his mouth then closes it again, as if he’s at a loss for words.
With a shake of my head, I grab the doorknob. “You said you were worried you’d ruin everything. Well, congratulations. You did it without even giving us a shot.”
Before he can respond, I slip inside my room and close the door in his face.
With my heart galloping and my hands clammy, I lean back against the door.
For so many years, I’ve pined for him, loving him from afar, hoping for something.
That only magnified after we first slept together, then again when I found out I was pregnant.
But not anymore.
I’m done with the crumbs of affection he tosses me, with the way he pulls me in, only to push me away again. I’m tired of waiting while he stands on the sidelines, debating whether I’m worth it.
It’s on him to figure out how to be part of our baby’s life.
I’m choosing myself, just like I chose myself over ballet.
Because even my love for him is not a good enough reason to destroy myself.