Chapter 18
LILY
I stopped avoiding Colt. That was too obvious and definitely not professional. I don’t chase after him either. I called the meeting we needed, and he came. I had him sign the necessary paperwork before sending it to sponsors. I still went about managing the rodeo.
I just continue to do what I do best.
I work.
I show up early and don’t think about when Colt and I slept in.
I leave late and don’t think about when we spent the night out by the barn.
I run meetings and don’t think about when he waited for everyone to file out before slamming the door and kissing me like his last breath depended on it.
And I continue to walk the grounds and plan layouts, just not planning to stay.
I keep Hearts Roundup alive, and I keep my heart locked down.
The hardest part isn’t missing being with him or talking to him; it’s feeling him, planning future moves with him.
And I don’t mean marriage. I just mean, daily stuff.
Knowing I’d be starting and ending the day with him beside me, no matter where the day pulled us, was enough to get me through the hard spots.
Today was especially hard because I had a big sponsor back out. It’s never happened before, and, of course, I took it personally. Maria and Levi came in just as I was hanging up the phone, and they knew something was off.
“Hi, honey. I made some sweet tea.”
I place the phone down and scrub my face. “Does it have vodka in it?”
“I told you she was going for the wrong brother, Ma.”
I huff a laugh as Maria smacks Levi’s arm. “You hush.” She turns to me. “What happened?”
“Iron Spur Saddlery just backed out. They had a conflicting schedule, which is a nice way to say ‘I’m not working for a woman.’”
“How do you know it’s because you’re a woman? Maybe they heard Colt’s name and said fuck that guy,” Levi interjects.
I shake my head. “I’ve dealt with them before, and they’re just very demanding.
Asked lots of questions about who my superior was.
When I told them it was me, they didn’t believe it.
They did stick for one rodeo, and the partner approached me, saying how smoothly things went.
But I don’t know. Something felt weird. And now, here we are. ”
“Okay, well, it’s just one. And you still have big names coming. I saw the vendor list, Lily. We’ve never had anything like this here,” Maria says, her voice softening.
“I just hope it’s enough.”
“Are you kidding? Callahans are on the lineup. Of course, it’s enough.” I look at Levi. I added Colt’s name to the list a couple of days ago and sent it out via email. But I never got a response.
“He’s riding?”
Levi deadpans. “Come on, Lily. You’ve seen this movie before.
He’s going to accept, and you’re going to beg him not to.
You’ll worry, and he’ll tell you it’s fine.
Then he’ll win first place. You’ll run into the middle of the arena, and he’ll tell you he loves you—but that he can’t ride anymore.
And then you’ll live happily ever after. ”
The joke doesn’t land like he wants it to because all I can see is him hurting himself worse.
And now I’m worried.
Just like Levi said.
I look at him again, and he’s got his arms crossed, brow raised, just like his mom.
“You know,” he says as he leans against the doorway of the office, “we can fast forward that, and y’all can be back together right now.”
“Yeah, well, this isn’t a movie."
“It’s a nightmare,” he mumbles.
“You! Out!” Maria shoos him out of the room. “Let the women talk.”
He chuckles. “Pot roast for dinner. Right, Ma?”
“You need to learn to cook for yourself. Now, go find yourself a woman instead of worrying about your brother’s.” She closes the door, and I lean back in the chair, bracing myself for the motherly talk I know is coming.
She grabs the chair off to the side and slides it right in front of the desk. “You’re both miserable.”
“I’m not miserable. I’m functioning," I reply. “There’s a difference.”
She studies me. “You still love him.”
I begin to protest. Love is such a strong word, but before I can get the words out, it filters through my mind. “Do I love him?”
She smiles. “Do you?”
“You tell me! You said I still do!” My voice rises almost with a little panic. “I didn’t know I did!”
She laughs out loud now and rises to come next to me. “This is very out of character for you, Lily. Why are you panicking?”
My heart is racing. “I’m not sure. If I do love him, and he doesn't love me, that’s going to suck.” She laughs again. “And if I don’t love him, and he loves me then–”
“Can I interrupt?”
“Please,” I breathe out and sag on my desk.
“I know my son, and I’ve never seen him like this. Do you know what I'm getting at? He may look charming and suave, but he’s not.”
I giggle. “Yeah, that grump takes over instead.”
“Exactly. So, you’re going to have to give him grace over his fears, Lily. He’s never been here before, and now he has to learn how to love out loud.”