Chapter 17
COLT
It’s been a whole week of quiet for me.
Not completely quiet—the place is still buzzing with the excitement of the upcoming show, with sponsors coming in and delivery guys prepping tents—but the kind of quiet that presses into your chest. The kind of silence that feels wrong and empty. The kind that tells me I’m being a complete asshole.
I lean against the fence by the back pasture, hat low, hands on the top rail, knee throbbing in a slow pulse I’ve learned to ignore.
Everything hurts lately.
I still hear Lily’s laugh; her sunshine surrounds her when she’s with my brother, my parents, the NextGen Kids, and even the new sponsors. I see the way they light up when she enters the room. I’d be lying if I said I didn't light up, too.
But it’s like she reserves herself to be strictly professional when I'm around. She’s someone she’s not anymore, but only around me.
I can’t blame her.
And I didn’t realize how much space her presence filled in me until it was gone. And not just the flirting and sex, yes, that's great, but her voice, her warmth, her ‘you can do anything, Colt’. That damn sunshine attitude that I swore I'd never need.
“Been lookin’ for you.”
I hear my dad’s voice as he approaches. I knew it was only a matter of time before he found me.
“You’ve been too quiet lately,” he says,
“Always am.”
He hums. “Not like this.”
When I don’t answer, he continues, “It’s more than usual. I mean, we all expect the grump to keep to himself, Colt, but for a minute there, we saw a new Colt, with a new light about him.”
“Yeah, well, when I open my mouth, I get in trouble, so might as well keep it shut.”
He chuckles but then says, “Lily’s been keepin’ things runnin’ smooth. This rodeo is shaping up to be our biggest yet.”
“Good,” I mutter.
“That wasn’t a compliment,” he says calmly. “It’s a concern.”
I glance at him, but he’s not looking at me; he’s still just staring at the pasture.
“She’s different than when she first got here,” he continues. “She had fire and drive. I saw the heart coming back in Hearts RoundUp, and it was because of her. She’s still got it, but now she’s running on autopilot. Things are getting done, but,” he shakes his head, “not like before.”
“I didn’t ask for this,” I say.
“No,” he agrees. “But you took it when it came your way.”
There’s more silence. I don't know what to say. I’m embarrassed by the way I’ve been acting, yet I’m still stubborn as fuck and won’t admit it.
“You scared?”
“No.” My response is automatic.
He finally turns his head and looks at me. That same look that raised bulls and two wild sons—the look that survived storms, and built a whole damn life here.
“Son,” he says quietly, “men lie about two things more than anything else. Fear and love.”
My heart beats fast, and I exhale through my nose. “Everything I worked for is beginning to fall apart,” I mutter.
He nods slowly. “That’s life.”
“I’m not good at losing,” I say.
He gives a small, sad smile. “Nobody is, but especially you. It’s because you've never lost, Colt.” He shifts his weight.
“When I met your mama, I had two dollars in my pocket and a busted truck,” he says.
“But she was everything to me. I thought I’d meet my girl, and our love would be enough to carry us through anything, ya know?
Love is supposed to feel safe.” He looks at me.
“It didn’t. It felt terrifying. Because not only did I have nothing, but now I had nothing to give this woman. ”
I frown. “You must have done something right. She’s still here.”
“Know why she’s still here?”
“Why?”
“She didn’t let me run.”
Tears sting my eyes. Not because he’s hitting the mark, but because I never heard this story from my dad. Yes, I've heard how they sacrificed to begin this rodeo, but I never knew it was Mom who held it altogether.
“Men like us? Fear doesn’t show as fear. It displays itself in anger, silence, and pride.” He smirks as he turns to me. “Sound familiar?”
I huff a laugh. “Every word of it, old man.”
He claps me on the back. “You think you’re protectin’ the ranch, me, your momma, your brother, and your future. I get it, this is your future, and it's scary if it starts to slip.” He finally turns fully toward me.
“But if you don’t figure out how to move forward with what you have, what you’re really protectin’ is your own fear. And that’s a stupid thing to want to keep hold of.”
My throat tightens. I don’t like how accurate he is.
“You push her away,” he says, calm but firm, “and you’ll still lose everything you’re afraid of losing.”
“I think I already pushed too hard.”
He shakes his head. “No, I don't think so. I think there’s still plenty of her to pull back in.” He turns to walk away. “She’s not trying to take your life, son. She just wants to fill it.”
I stare out at the pasture, letting his words wash over me. “I don’t know how to do this, Dad,” I admit.
Dad nods and smiles. “That’s new for you.”
I huff a dry breath. “Don’t get used to it.”
A faint smile flickers on his face. “Good, I hope you figure it out. Start small, start simple.” He walks away. “Oh, and, Colt, you don’t fix it with words; they help, but it’s not everything. You’ve already hurt her with words, remember that.”
“Then how?”
“You fix it with choice.”
He walks away, leaving me alone with the quiet and the truth that I could lose the only woman who’s stuck it out with me, despite all my grouchiness.