Chapter 9
Chapter
Nine
AISLING
Hash: Is this still your number, baby doll?
Hash: Aisling?
Hash: Guessing from your not responding, I’m going to assume I have the right number.
Hash: I’m sorry. Can we please talk?
“Did he text you again?” Frankie asks from my living room floor with Cormac playing in her lap.
We just got back to my house from Hickory Hills a couple of hours ago, and I’m… unsettled to say the least. Seeing Hash at the Rhythm and Brew festival in Georgia tilted my world on its axis more than it was the day I found out I was having Cormac.
I mean, what are the chances of me running into him? Especially there of all places?
“Yeah,” I respond as I stare down at my phone.
I’ve gotten a text every hour on the dot since I left him standing there at the hayfield.
I haven’t responded to any of them. Partly because I don’t know what to say and also because I’m just flat out pissed.
How fucking dare he have the audacity to pop up and act like I owe him anything?
And now you’re sorry? He had almost two goddamn years to be sorry. It’s a little too late.
“What did he say?”
“The same bullshit he’s been saying since yesterday.” I sigh, throwing my phone down on the cushion next to me.
I smile softly as I watch Cormac laugh and crawl around. His eyes are so innocent and full of life.
“I know it’s not my place, but don’t you think you owe Hash at least a conversation?” Frankie asks, treading carefully and not meeting my eye as she keeps her attention on Cormac.
I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before answering her.
The last 24 hours have been a lot. Logically, I knew that I would have to mention Hash when Cormac got older, and started asking questions about his dad.
However, with the way things ended, I did not think I would ever see him again, let alone this soon.
Seeing him brought everything back up and made me realize I never truly moved on from it. I just buried it all and kept going because I had to. There wasn’t any other option. I had to keep going for Cormac.
“I don’t think I owe him anything,” I finally answer.
Frankie’s attention moves to me. “But you guys have a baby.”
She says it like that’s the end-all be-all. Like I know we have a fucking baby. I’m the one who had him cut out of me and who has the scar to prove it.
“That he knew about…” I say slowly, unable to keep how annoyed I am out of my tone.
“I texted him multiple times and called, and you know what I got? Nothing. Fucking nothing, Frankie. So why now, after all this time, do I owe him anything? Just because he saw us in passing at a festival? The way I see it, I don’t owe that man a goddamn thing. ”
“Okay.” Frankie throws her hands up in the air.
“I said my piece. I didn’t mean to make you upset.
I’m on your side, bitch. Always. I just want you to think about maybe having one more conversation with him, that’s all.
At the end of the day, I only care about you and this little guy here.
” Frankie tickles Cormac’s stomach, getting a full belly laugh out of him.
“I know you are. I’m sorry for getting bitchy with you. I don’t mean to take it out on you. I think I need more than twenty-four hours to process all of this shit.”
And maybe a bottle of champagne while I’m in a bubble bath.
Frankie gives me a sad smile of understanding. “Get this little guy to bed.” She picks Cormac up and blows a raspberry on his cheek, sending him into another fit of giggles. “And wind down and relax. I’m going to head home. If you need anything, call me.”
“Thanks for this weekend,” I say as I stand up and take Cormac from her. “It was fun, all things considered.”
Frankie grabs her bag and heads to the door before she pauses and turns around. “Think about what I said though, okay?”
“I will,” I say, smiling tightly. “Drive safe.”
I wait until I see her make it to her car before I slam the front door closed, flipping the locks and releasing an exhausted sigh.
Cormac grabs a strand of my hair and starts tugging and giggling. Grabbing his hand, I gently remove my hair from his grasp. “We love Auntie Frankie, but this isn’t her place, is it, little man?” I tell him as I bounce him on my hip. “Let’s get you ready for bed.”
After I’ve given Cormac his bath and read him a book, he passed out almost immediately.
Thank God for that.
I’m too exhausted to shower, so instead I opt for stripping out of my clothes and throwing on a nightie and calling it a day. To be honest, Hash has been mentally exhausting me for over two years now.
One of the hardest things to accept is that no matter how hard you tried with someone, it wasn’t enough, and in the end you were left with crumbs of what you wanted. It’s a different kind of torture when you’ve had that person’s kid and they’re a spitting image of them.
Literally.
I haven’t seen baby pictures of Hash, but I would put money on it that he looks just like Cormac. I try not to be pissed at the fact that I did all the work only for him to look nothing like me.
Just as I get settled in bed, my phone vibrates on the nightstand.
I don’t need to look at the screen to know who it is because it’s about that time.
Hash: All I’m asking for is one conversation. I know you don’t owe me anything, and I don’t deserve it, but I think you want to hear what I have to say. There’s more than just us to think about now.
I throw my phone down on my bed as I pinch the bridge of my nose, inhaling deeply, trying to stop myself from committing a murder. Cormac doesn’t deserve a mom in prison.
Is he fucking kidding me right now?
My phone vibrates again. Picking it up, I look at the screen and see red.
Hash: Don’t cut me out.
Clicking on Hash’s contact name, I hit call.
“Aisling,” Hash’s deep, smooth voice picks up after one ring. He sounds relieved, which is funny considering if he were here, I would shove his phone so far up his ass.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I hiss, sitting up in bed. I’m too mad to stay lying down. “Just where do you get off?”
“Baby doll, calm down.”
Even with the Botox Frankie talked me into getting in my forehead, I can tell my eyebrows hit my hairline.
“Calm down?! Have you lost your fucking mind?!” I’m on the verge of shouting now. One more stupid sentence out of this man’s mouth and I will be. And then I’ll be even more pissed because I know I’ll wake Cormac up.
“Shhh. Don’t wake up our son. He’s sleeping, yeah?”
“Our son?” I bite out. “Now he’s ours? Funny, because about eighteen months ago when I tried to tell you about him, you didn’t even have the decency to respond. You didn’t give a single fuck about me or him, Hash.”
“Aisling.” Hash’s voice sounds broken, making my heart ache. “You don’t know how sorry I am.”
I want to cry.
Every emotion I’ve felt over the past two years has bubbled up and is stuck in my throat.
This is all way too much.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask, my voice cracking.
“Because there hasn’t been a waking moment since I walked out of your life that I haven’t thought about you.
I don’t have a lot of regrets in life, but leaving you is my biggest one.
” Hash’s tone is heavy as he pauses. “If I could go back in time, I would do it in a heartbeat. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking for one shot to make it right. ”
My chest feels like it does when my cat, Frigg, sits on me while I’m sleeping, slowly trying to smother me.
I can hear him breathing through the phone as I try to keep the anxiety attack at bay.
He’s offering me everything I ever wanted.
But…
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to forgive you. And I don’t know how you can make this right.” I finally admit in a whisper, tears clogging it.
“I don’t know either, baby doll,” Hash says, sounding as exhausted as I feel. “All I’m asking is that you give me a chance to try.”
“You’ve had so long to reach out and you never did.”
“I know,” Hash responds after a long moment.
I’m mad.
I’m so fucking mad.
I don’t understand why he did what he did and why now he feels the need to make it right. At this point, there isn’t anything he can say to me to make me understand.
But… there’s a huge gaping hole in my heart from the piece he took with him when he walked out of my life.
Maybe Frankie is right.
If I have one last conversation with him, it might give me the closure I need to move on. I owe it to myself and to Cormac.
I know Frankie would watch Cormac if I asked, especially if it’s to do this.
“When did you want to talk?” I ask, my heart pounding from anxiety as I wait for his response. I hate that part of me expects him to blow me off because it feels like I’m calling his bluff.
“Whenever. You tell me the time and place, and I’m there,” Hash rushes out.
“Well, I don’t know when you have something to do with the club.” I’m testing him to see how serious he is.
I never wanted to come before the club and his brothers. I just wanted to matter enough to be involved in his life. I didn’t get that. Not even close.
“If I’ve got something going on, I’ll move it around. Don’t worry about the club. Just tell me when and where you want to talk, baby doll.”
“Can you come over tomorrow night? I don’t want to do this in a public place.” As much as I don’t want to do this at my house, my safe place, I hate causing a scene in public.
And if there’s one thing Hash is good at, it’s getting a reaction out of me. It can be horny, happy, content, mad enough to kill him, you name it. He can do it. It’s why I always felt he was meant to be mine.
“Yeah, yeah. That’s perfect, baby doll. I’ll bring over dinner. I’ll see you tomorrow night.” Hash hangs up before I can tell him this isn’t a date and bringing dinner isn’t necessary.
The sneaky bastard.
He knows exactly what he’s doing.
Except this time it isn’t going to work.
I’m anxiously pacing back and forth in my living room as I wait for Hash to arrive.