Chapter 10
Chapter
Ten
HASH
I’ve never felt more like a bigger piece of shit in my entire life than I do right now.
I can’t say I thought kids were in my future with the life I live. It doesn’t seem like the best environment to raise a family. But I would never abandon them.
And that’s what I did.
Seeing Aisling in Hickory Hills about did my head in. One minute I was making sure Emily was okay, and the next I was chasing after the woman who haunts my dreams, hoping my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me.
She had my baby.
My fucking baby.
And I wasn’t there.
Relief is what I felt when Aisling told me we could talk.
Feeling desperate in a way where what you really want in life is slipping through your fingers and you’re helpless to do anything about it is a different kind of torture. But I know I need to do my time with her.
When I walked into her house, I stupidly expected her to greet me with my son on her hip with open arms, but he wasn’t even there. Evidence of his presence was everywhere, making me realize how much I’ve missed out on. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
It kills me she doesn’t want me to officially meet my son until I prove I’m not going anywhere. I get it, though. If the roles were reversed, I don’t know if I would want her around either. I’m a lucky bastard that she’s giving me the time of day to try because Aisling can hold a mean grudge.
If I could turn back time, I would do it in a fucking heartbeat.
But I can’t.
I know she doesn’t believe me when I tell her I’m not going anywhere. I can see the doubt clear as day in her eyes.
My word is as good as gold, and I’ll continue to prove that to her until the day I die. I’m not going anywhere.
The drive back to the clubhouse is a different kind of torture. I didn’t want to leave. The only thing that made it a little better is that this time I did it knowing I would be back.
“Where has your ass been?” Trick walks over from the bar, beer in hand, cigar in the other, and sits down on the couch in the living area.
I pull a joint out from behind my ear before sitting down on the opposite end and lighting it up.
“I was at Aisling’s house.” I’m going to need this to get through all the fucking questions. My brothers are worse than a bunch of bitches.
“Aisling?” Trick asks, looking confused. “Is she a new hang around? I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of meeting her.”
“No, she’s not a fucking hang around,” I growl, the idea of Trick trying anything with her pissing me off.
Does she have a man?
I didn’t even think of asking.
If she does, he’s about to be one sorry-assed motherfucker.
“Then who is she?” Trick asks, confused.
“She’s his girl.” Cyrus butts in as he leaps over the back of the couch, plopping down next to me and taking the joint out of my hand and placing it between his lips.
“Excuse the fuck out of you.” I rip the joint from his mouth mid-hit.
“Hey!” Cyrus whines.
“Get your own fucking joint.”
“We need to circle back around because I think I missed something. When did you get a fucking girl?” Trick asks, sounding equally shocked and confused.
“She isn’t my girl.” I take another long hit as I let that admission sink in. It hits deeper than it should because if I wouldn’t have dug myself into this hole, I’d be agreeing with Cyrus.
“Uh, are we just forgetting how you chased after her during the self-defense class? I don’t think I’ve ever seen your ass run.” Cyrus tries to reach for my joint again, but I move my hand out of reach.
“But when did you meet her? I don’t remember you talking about a girl. I’ve been wondering why you haven’t been with anyone in a couple of years, but not that. I would remember that. She got you by the balls?” Trick asks.
“Something like that,” I mumble, not wanting to have this conversation with him.
“Who has you by the balls?” Evan asks as she walks in.
My head falls back, pain radiating through as it hits the hard top of the back. The last thing I need is more people in my goddamn business, but I guess that’s what happens when you live with your family.
“No one,” I respond at the same time Cyrus says, “Aisling.”
My eyes narrow at him because why can’t this asshole ever mind his own business?
“Aisling?” Evan asks, sounding way too interested in my personal life.
I grunt in response.
It’s not that I don’t want to tell them. I do. I know it bothers Aisling that I haven’t introduced her to my brothers, but this isn’t the way I want them to find out about her. Especially when I’m in the fucking doghouse.
“Oh, come on, Hash! I know you and I had a rough start, but you can tell me anything! I promise I won’t repeat it.” Evan blinks innocently at me.
Yeah, fucking right.
The second she leaves this room, her ass is going to be telling Sutton everything, and Prez will be next.
“I’m working on it.” There. I threw her a bone.
“Oh,” Evan says excitedly. “So it’s new?”
“It didn’t look new.” Cyrus smirks.
“Will you shut the fuck up?” I swear to God I’m going to kill him one day.
I let out a deep sigh. “We had a thing back when Ink and Sutton’s shit was going on. I fucked up by ending it, and now…”
“Now you’re trying to win her back?” Evan asks dreamily. “That is so fucking sweet. Let me help. The season of my favorite reality dating show just ended. I’ve got nothing but time.”
Meaning she’s here for the drama.
“Thanks, but no thanks.” I let her down. “This is something I need to do by myself.”
“Can I ask why it ended? I mean, Ink and Sutton’s shit happened almost two years ago. You obviously really cared about her, or else you wouldn’t have wanted to try again this long after it ended.”
Trick and Cyrus lean in, hanging on to every word. Christ, they’re worse than a bunch of bitches.
“I didn’t want her in this world,” I mutter, barely audible. This is fucking embarrassing.
“What?” Evan asks, slightly raising her voice as her brow lowers.
I clear my throat. “I didn’t want her in this world,” I repeat louder this time.
When I was explaining my reason to Aisling, it sounded reasonable, but now that I’m saying it out loud to my brothers and Evan, it sounds stupid as fuck.
“What the fuck does that even mean?” Evan asks, sounding confused and slightly offended. “Are you embarrassed of us?”
“What?” I ask in shock because what the fuck? “No. Why would I be embarrassed of you guys?”
“Because you didn’t want her around us!” Evan exclaims.
“I’m offended.” Cyrus mocks, looking wounded as he places his hand over his heart. “I’m a catch. She would love me.”
“You’re not in this.” Evan pushes him away.
“It’s not like that,” I say, taking another hit, wishing I were anywhere else than having this conversation right now. Preferably in Aisling’s bed.
“Then what’s it like? Because what I’m hearing is you didn’t want her around us,” Evan says, looking pissed.
I take another drag.
“I didn’t want her around all the bad shit.”
“I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but the club hasn’t done anything to anyone that hasn’t deserved it. Any eye for an eye and all that shit.” Evan waves her hand.
“No, but all it takes is one person to be pissed off enough to get back at us. And what better way to do that than through one of our women?” Shit makes my chest ache just thinking about it.
“You can’t live in a world of what-ifs, Hash,” Evan says, looking less pissed as she tries to reason with me. “If you live your life like that, then you aren’t really living.”
“Yeah.” I scrub my hand down my face.
“It sounds like she’s giving you a second chance though, right?”
“I’m trying.” I shrug. I don’t know if I would call it a second chance just yet.
“What else did you do that you aren’t telling me?” Evan asks, her eyes narrowing as she reads between the lines.
“Do you two mind?” I glare at Cyrus and Trick, who are sitting back like they’re watching a show.
“Not at all.” Cyrus and Trick smirk. “Please proceed.”
Jesus Christ.
“Well?” Evan presses.
I guess it’s going to come out eventually, might as well be now. Life is just fucking with me today with shitty conversation after shitty conversation.
“She had my baby.” I try to keep my voice even, but it comes out broken.
Every time I think about it, I want to stab my knife in my eye, but admitting it out loud to the ones closest to me makes me want to shoot myself. I’m the biggest piece of shit.
Evan, Cyrus, and Tricks’ eyes widen, and mouths all drop open at the same time, rendering them speechless.
“Repeat that,” Cyrus says, the first to recover.
“She had my baby.”
“You had a baby and didn’t tell us?!” Evan screeched, making me wince.
“I didn’t know.”
“Brother,” Trick says, pity lacing his tone.
This is exactly what I didn’t want.
Pity.
I know it’s fucking bad.
“How did you not know?” Evan asks, dumbfounded. “It’s a baby, for fuck’s sake!”
“Because the cunt didn’t tell him, that’s why. There’s nothing worse than a manipulative baby mama.” Trick shakes his head.
“Watch it,” I growl. “She isn’t a cunt. She tried to tell me. It’s my fault all of this happened, so don’t blame her.”
“The way I see it, she didn’t try hard enough to let you know she was pregnant with your goddamn kid,” Trick shoots back.
I’m growing angrier and angrier by the second. If he says one more thing about Aisling, I’m going to knock his ass out.
“Boys,” Evan says as she lowers her hands between us trying to deescalate the situation. “There’s obviously more to the story, so let’s just wait until we have all the facts before you lose it.”
I look at Cyrus, who is still looking at me in shock. The one time I want him to chime in with his stupid bullshit to lighten the mood and the bastard is speechless.
“I need another smoke for this.” Grabbing the tray off the coffee table, I grind up enough tree to roll a fat fucking joint.
“You better be sharing this time,” Cyrus pipes up.
Now the bastard speaks.
Lighting it up, I take two long drags before passing it off to him. “She tried to tell me, but I blocked her number.”