Chapter 36 Jade
THIRTY-SIX
jade
The next day, I stare down at my phone and read for the third time the email from my adviser, a long forwarded message from one of the schools in Spain with all the details on the in-person interviews they’re holding in New York in December—the interviews I’ve spent weeks preparing for.
But it’s the three sentences Mark typed to me that are making my stomach knot up.
The deadline is this week, so I want to confirm you’re on board. Registration and the accompanying fee are due Friday, no exceptions. When we meet, be prepared with your final decision.
“Hey!” Right on time, Lenni appears and pulls out the metal chair across the little café table from me. Her curls have been pulled into a lopsided bun and dark circles ring her eyes, but she smiles as she sits down.
“Hi.” I shove my phone into my purse. “So? Are your applications done?” Lenni set herself a deadline to finish all her grad school applications by tomorrow, which means I don’t know the last time she had a full night’s sleep.
“One to go,” she says with a soft sigh. “I’m going to finish it tonight and then I’m going to sleep for a week. How’s your day?”
“Shitty. Mark just reminded me about interviewing in New York next month. Friday’s the deadline.”
“Wow, that came fast. So you’re not sure what to do.”
“Actually, I am. I’m gonna go for it.”
“For the interview?”
I nod. “For the interview.” I take a breath, the words on my tongue stirring up a storm of anxiety. “And for all of it. If I get into a program I can afford, I’m going to Spain.”
Lenni blinks at me. “What? I would have bet my life you were about to tell me you weren’t going! Last week you said you didn’t even know why you wanted to go anymore.”
Uncertainty swirls inside me all over again. “I know, but there’s a lot up in the air between me and Reeve. At least Spain I can control.”
“You know you’ve got issues when controlling an entire wealthy first-world nation seems more doable than being in a relationship.”
“I still want the relationship. But lunch with my mom yesterday? God, it was painful to see her. She’s immediately dazed and confused without my dad at her side while trying to laugh it off and act like life is so great.
Then she tells me how glad she is I’m not making the same mistake she did by setting aside her dreams for my father. ”
“Wow, she actually said that?”
“Well, no. Of course she has to hold tight to the lie that her marriage is just peachy, but she was crystal clear she’s happy I’m going to Spain.”
“So you’re taking your mom’s advice? This is a milestone moment.”
“Are you saying that just to piss me off?” I say, trying to inject a little humor into the conversation.
“It’s not so much her advice, it’s seeing her life and where her choices led her.
Reeve’s mom too. Too many women make sacrifices for men that they regret, and I don’t want to make that mistake. ”
A look of sorrow crosses Lenni’s face. “Hard to argue with that.” I know what she’s thinking. She wishes I was wrong because she wants me to stay. “I’m not trying to change your mind, but you said a few days ago you weren’t sure you even wanted Spain anymore.”
“I know. But I’d rather regret going than regret giving it up.”
“So you’re going.”
“I’m committing to the interview. And if they accept me . . . I guess I’m going.”
Lenni nods and gives me a brave little smile that dissolves alarmingly fast into tears. “Sorry,” she chokes out, fanning her face.
The sight of her tears is all it takes for me to realize I’m on the verge of crying myself. “Oh, Lenni, no.” I reach for her hands across the table. “It’ll be okay, I swear.”
She nods quickly. “I know, I know. I’m proud of you, Jade, don’t misunderstand. If you’re doing what’s in your heart, then you’re doing what’s right. I’m just going to miss you.” She sniffs. “Everything’s changing.”
“Yeah. It’s fucking terrifying.” It’s terrifying what’s already changed.
A few months ago I was so sure of where I was going and what I needed to do.
Now I’m in love with the last man on earth I ever thought I could be happy with, and the only thing I’m sure of is I can’t imagine a future without him.
It’s dizzying the way things can change.
“But we’ll be okay,” I tell Lenni. “You and I will always be best friends.” So there’s one more thing I’m sure of.
She withdraws one hand to brush away the tears on her cheeks. “That’s true.” She nods. “What about you and Reeve?”
A swirl of emotions overcomes me: excitement, anticipation, fear, dread. “I can’t even believe I’m entertaining this idea, but . . . I think we can do long distance.”
Lenni squeals.
“It’s wild, right? I mean, it’s a huge ask. Imagine what I’m asking him to give up next year when he plays pro.”
“You’re giving up just as much.”
“You think there’s any chance he’d give it a try?”
“Of course there’s a chance. And if he doesn’t, it won’t be because of other women.”
“Then why?”
“Because it’s going to be hard. Really hard. But you’re willing to do it for him, and if he’s not willing to do it for you, that’s something you want to know sooner than later.”
I nod. She’s right. But what if I don’t want to know? Things are so good right now. I don’t want to change a single thing by bringing up a hypothetical future—especially not a future he might never have considered.
“So when are you going to ask him?”
“When the time is right.”
“Uh-oh. I feel a cop-out coming on,” she teases.
“How dare you. Jade Kelly doesn’t cop out of shit.
” At least she never used to. But that was before losing Reeve Dalton was on the table.
“I’ll ask him. I just have to find the right words.
” The right words to ask him to change his life for me.
The right words to tell him I’m in love.
No big deal—just my pride, happiness, and entire future on the line.