CH 41 - #raw
#raw
Madison
I was reeling from my confrontation with Luke. It didn’t matter to our son, though. He was still crying because of our raised voices and also because he was hungry and hadn’t taken a long enough nap.
“I need to nurse Beau,” I told Luke as he kept trying to console him.
“I don’t want to let him go. He’s my son.”
“He is definitely your son, albeit with red hair. He came into the world big and strong and with a huge appetite.”
“Then feed him.”
Luke placed Beau back into my arms. I stepped into my bedroom, which was right beside all three of us, and sat in the rocking chair in the corner, unbuttoning the top half of my dress and undoing my nursing bra on the left side as Beau squirmed in anticipation of getting fed.
Luke kept standing in the open doorway, watching us.
I didn’t mind. He deserved to see that I took care of our son’s needs.
As Beau began nursing, I stroked his soft cheek. He kept his eyes on mine, randomly smiling. He was such a beautiful boy, perfect in every way, like his big sister.
When it came time for me to switch Beau to my other breast, Luke was still standing in the doorway watching us and wiping his eyes. After Beau latched on, I looked back at Luke.
“You can come in here if you want,” I said.
He nodded and cautiously approached Beau and me, his bottom lip quivering. Then he got on his knees on the floor a few feet from our son and me, watching us in seeming fascination.
“I’ve missed so much with him already,” Luke said, keeping his eyes on Beau.
“I will text you every photo and video of him that’s been taken. I have them starting from when I got my first sonogram. Meredith videoed me giving birth to Beau.”
“How long was your labor?”
“Long enough and intense.”
“How much did Beau weigh at birth, and how long was he?”
“Ten pounds, five ounces, twenty-one and a half inches.”
“That’s exactly what I was.”
As Beau continued nursing, Luke and I were quiet, randomly looking at each other. Then he spoke up about our relationship, which I knew was coming.
“You left me without saying goodbye, Madison,” he said.
“Because I felt a clean break was best.”
“We were together in the hay loft that night. I thought that meant we were going to be okay.”
“As much as I wanted us to be, I could not see how we would ever work long-term. I still don’t because we’re so different. Our lives are.”
“When you were here all those weeks with your family and me, you were so free and happy. I witnessed you blossom and become whole. Even if I hadn’t been in the picture, I believe your being here would’ve affected you the same.”
“No, it wouldn’t have without you.”
Luke swallowed hard, searching my eyes. “Do you love me at all anymore?
“I never stopped. I never hated you,” I said, breaking down.
“Then why did you tell me that?”
“Because I hated myself for loving you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Luke, you were like this extraordinary gift of a man that the universe gave to me, but I realized I would always be too much for you to handle. I’m stubborn, hot-tempered, and erratic.
I’m far from easy to be with, and I can admit that without any problem.
I’ve owned all that I am. You deserve better than me. ”
He stood up as I continued nursing Beau.
“Madison, you’re all I’ve ever wanted in a woman and partner.
You were a dream come true for me. The only man walking this earth who understands you is me.
But I now know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don’t stand another chance with you because you think we’re so different and that you’re so difficult to be with.
I will be contacting you about visitation with Beau,” he said, looking at him, then he leaned over and kissed him on the top of his head and whispered, “I love you, son.”
Beau cut his eyes up at his daddy and smiled with my nipple still in his mouth, some of my milk leaking from the corner.
Luke turned around and walked toward the doorway.
I watched him in his black felt cowboy hat, black jacket, black-collared dress shirt, black jeans, belt, and boots.
When I could no longer see him, I looked back at Beau.
He smiled at me, my milk leaking from the corner of his mouth again.