Chapter 38
Lainey
You know those moments in movies where they freeze frame and the main character says something like ‘yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up here’?
Well, that’s me right now. Standing in my living room, covering up my naked body with my bedsheet as my best friend stares at me in complete shock and disbelief.
I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to explain this to her. This is not how she was supposed to find out.
“Okay, I know I’ve royally fucked up. Like, incredibly bad, I know. But please, listen to me,” I plead, hoping Ellie will let me just explain myself first before she storms out of here.
“How long?” she asks, a tear streaming down her face. My heart shatters as I watch the tear fall to the floor.
“What?” I ask, not completely understanding her question in my panicked haze.
“How long have you been fucking my brother?” she asks, a bit more bite to her tone. I know she’s pissed off because she never swears, and she just dropped the F bomb like it was nothing.
Holland steps out of my room, fully clothed, his arms crossed over his chest as he walks up to stand beside me. I want to be pissed at him. I want to place all the blame on him and tell him this is all his fault.
He did this. He made me fall in love with him. But it’s not his fault. None of this is anybody’s fault but my own. I’m the one that hid this from Ellie. I’m the one that told Holland to keep it a secret.
It’s all me, and for what? Because I was too afraid to confront my own feelings? Because I didn’t want my best friend to hate me? Well, now look where we are, stupid.
I’m the bitch. I’m the problem. I should have just told her when I started feeling differently toward Holland. I should have gone to her and explained what was happening. We wouldn’t be in this mess if I had just said something.
“El, calm down,” Holland tries, but Ellie shoots him a death glare so lethal it could kill anyone in its path.
“Stay out of this. I asked her,” she seethes, and I’ve never seen her so… hurt. She doesn’t seem angry. She just seems, betrayed. I think that’s worse.
Looking back at me, she asks again. “How long?”
Taking a deep breath, I begin to think back at the timeline. It hasn’t been that long, but it’s been long enough. I’ve had plenty of time to tell her, and I’ve been a pussy and chosen not to.
“Since the wedding,” I tell her honestly. There’s no point in lying about anything now. Everything needs to be out in the open if there is any hope of us getting past this.
Ellie’s face falls, her jaw ticking.
“Since the wedding? That was weeks ago!” she exclaims. I wince at the unexpected outburst. “You’ve been hooking up with my brother since Italy? What the hell, Lainey? You’re supposed to be my best friend. Why wouldn’t you say anything?”
Gripping the sheet tightly as if it could save me, I shift from one foot to the other. Ellie and I have never fought, never bickered, never had any differences. Unlike Gwen and I, Ellie and I have grown up together. We’ve been there for each other through everything.
Our friendship has never wavered. It’s been the one stable thing in my life since I was a kid.
I’m also not very used to being lectured or screamed at.
Since my parents were never around, I never had any actual consequences to my actions.
Sure, my nanny would ‘ground’ me, but she didn’t actually enforce it.
Mrs. Monroe tried to keep me in check the best she could, but I didn’t live with her, so there was only so much she could do.
There’s nothing I can say to make this right. Nothing I can do to make this situation better. I’ve made my bed, and now I have to lie in it. But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to at least put out the fire.
“I don’t know, okay! I don’t know. I should have told you, I know. But I didn’t know what was going on and I wanted to be sure before I said anything,” I try to explain, but she shakes her head, running her hand through her short hair.
“I didn’t want you to hate me. I didn’t want you to be pissed that I was… hooking up with Holland.”
“Well, how’d that work out for you?” she snaps, and I stumble back a bit, bumping into Holland who has been quietly watching our interaction. “I’m your best friend, Lainey. You could have told me. We all knew you two had a thing, it’s been so obvious.”
Wait, what?
“What are you talking about?” I ask, confused as to what she means by it’s been obvious.
Ellie huffs. “You guys have had this weird tension between you for years. We’ve all seen it. We even made bets last year on how long it would take you guys to finally hook up.”
What the actual hell? Is she serious right now?
“Who’s ‘we’?”
“Gwen, Haley, and me. Mason even put some money in. We all knew it would happen; we were just waiting on you two to figure it out,” she explains, and I don’t know how to feel about this new development.
My friends were betting on if Holland and I would hook up? They could see something between us? How is that possible when I didn’t even see anything there?
“You could have just told me. I’m your best friend, I would’ve supported you,” she tells me, her voice back to the soft, inviting tone it usually is.
I look down at the ground, unable to meet her eyes. I’m not used to this kind of confrontation. This talk about feelings. I’m uncomfortable and I’m trying my best to stay strong. I’m not the one that’s hurting right now, Ellie is. I don’t get to be hurt. This is my fault.
“I didn’t think you’d want me with your brother, El. I didn’t know how you’d react. I couldn’t risk losing you,” I tell her, and her features soften a bit more.
“I’m more pissed now that you didn’t tell me, than if you would have just come to me in the first place,” she says, and my heart drops because I can’t tell if she’s going to forgive me for this or not, and I don’t know if I’d blame her if she didn’t.
“I know, I’m so sorry, El.”
“You know I don’t care if you’re with my brother.
You’re basically my sister already, but I would have liked to know about it instead of walking in on you two…
naked, might I add,” she shivers, her face contorting in disgust. “Who else knows?” she asks, and my stomach drops.
Shit, I was really hoping she wouldn’t ask that question.
I peer up at her, trying not to cry because I know this will break her heart. Not only did I not tell her, but both of our friends found out before she did. She might never forgive me for that.
“Lainey?”
I look over at Holland who is watching me curiously. He doesn’t know that Haley found out. I never told him; I didn’t see a point.
“Haley and Gwen,” I say, ashamed.
“They both knew before I did? What the hell, Lainey?” she asks, and I honestly don’t even know what to say.
“Haley just… guessed it! She never really asked, she just assumed. She told me I had to tell you, and I knew I did. I just needed to wait until the right time. And Gwen, I told her about our kiss the day before the wedding because she practically dragged it out of me,” I explain, hoping she’ll understand.
“Kiss? What kiss?” she asks, and I grimace.
“We… kissed on the plane. Holland was having a panic attack, and I was trying to help-”
“With your lips?” Ellie shrieks, her face twisting in disgust.
“It was the only thing I could think of at the time!”
“I can’t believe this,” Ellie cries.
“Come on, El. It’s not that big a deal,” Holland tries, but Ellie doesn’t want to hear it.
“You. You’re supposed to be my brother. My twin, no less. We tell each other everything. Why wouldn’t you tell me you were hooking up with my best friend?” she asks, directing her anger at him instead of me for a change.
“It’s none of your business who I’m with, El,” he tells her, his arms falling to his sides and his hands bunching into fists. I’ve noticed he does that when he gets mad or frustrated.
“It is my business when the person your screwing is my best friend!” she yells back. Now I feel like I’m caught in the middle of some sibling war, and I want to get as far away as possible.
Holland shakes his head, his brow furrowing as he looks between his sister and me before his gaze lands on Ellie.
“I love her,” he tells her, and my heart falls into my stomach. Did he just…?
“You what?” she asks, about as taken aback as I am.
“You what?” I ask, looking at him and almost completely forgetting what this entire conversation is about.
He continues to look at Ellie, who is standing in shock.
“We’re not just fucking. She isn’t just another girl.
I love her, and it’s none of your damn business what we do or don’t do.
Yeah, we should’ve given you the heads up or whatever, but in the end, it wouldn’t matter.
Because if you were pissed about it or if you didn’t approve, I’d still love her.
I’d still want to be with her, and I wouldn’t let you tell me I couldn’t,” Holland defends.
Oh my God. Holland loves me? I mean, I think a part of me already knew that, but he hasn’t said it yet.
Ellie looks between us before focusing on her brother.
“Holland, I want you to be happy. I want you both to be happy. If you make each other happy, I wouldn’t try to stop that. I just don’t like that you hid it from me,” she says, another tear falling down her cheek.
“I’m so sorry, El. We should have told you,” I say, hoping she can forgive me., forgive us, and we can all move on from this. Holland and I can continue whatever this is between us, and Ellie will know about it so we no longer have to hide.
Ellie nods, wiping her tear-stained cheeks. “Yeah, you should have. But I understand why you didn’t,” she tells me. I let out a breath, feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
“You do?” I ask, hope filling my voice.
“Yeah, I do. Just, next time, if there’s something this big happening in your life, tell me, please. I want to know,” she says. I nod in agreement.
“I promise, I’ll tell you everything,” I say, holding out my hand and extending my pinky for a pinky promise. Ellie joins her pinky with mine and we both kiss our thumbs.
“Okay,” she smiles.
“So, we’re good?” Holland asks, looking optimistic.
“We’re good,” Ellie agrees, and I can feel the tension in the room disappear as we each begin to calm down. I already feel like I can breathe again knowing that this whole thing is out in the open and my best friend knows.
The front door opens and Haley walks in with her bookbag slung over her shoulder and a small pizza box in her hand. She doesn’t see us at first, but when she does, her eyes widen.
“What the hell did I just walk into?” she asks, and I look back at Holland and Lainey hoping one of them will explain. “Why are you wrapped in a sheet?”
I look down at myself, having temporarily forgotten that I am indeed wearing a sheet instead of actual clothes.
I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of me.
I can’t control it, and Ellie’s laughter follows.
Holland joins in too until all three of us are laughing hysterically at Haley’s perplexed expression.
The front door opens once again, and this time, Mason strolls in behind Haley.
“You know, I’ve been looking all over for you, man.
Wait, why are you wearing a sheet?” he asks, looking between Holland, Ellie, and me with confusion written all over his face.
“What kind of freaky shit did I just walk in on?” Mason asks, and that causes our laughter to reach a new level of hysterics.
My body feels lighter, my head feels less full, and I feel freer to do what I want and feel how I feel now that everything is out. But there’s still something weighing on me.
Holland said he loved me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?